Vol 2, Issue 7: the issue in which readme tries to calculate the lowest possible finals grade they need to pass
Rejected Headlines
- Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals
- Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots
- Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death
- Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeÂflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine
- CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots
- CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration
- In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeÂforÂall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza
- Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered
- Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals
- Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV?
- Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains
- 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer
- Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis
All this and more, not in this issue!
Student gives 75 classmates AIVs
On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …
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CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction
Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …
...So you're on a couple waitlists
This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …
...Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"
On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …
...The yearly CMU black market finals guide
Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.
In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …
...Some finals traditions!
Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …
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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy
The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …
...Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival
The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …
...Ethics final causes moderate ruckus
Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range. Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related to …
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