Why It's Really Called Au Bon "Pain"
Never, ever go near Au Bon Pain if you care about your dignity. Please humbly take my story as a cautionary tale.
It was a beautiful Thursday evening. I was headed to a dinner date with my girlfriend at Revolution Noodle, but young and foolish as I was, I took a wrong turn in the UC.
That was the moment I first saw it: the café that still taunts me with its beauty. Like the succulent apples and oranges they serve as sides, Au Bon Pain’s allure was beyond compare. With all consideration of my date thrown out the window, I ventured out on my own, ordering a Cheesy Chicken Bacon Ranch sandwich and taking a banana, a cookie, and a fountain drink.
While I was sitting and waiting ever so patiently for my sandwich to be ready, I received a text from my girlfriend: “where are u”. Where am I indeed, for I was so utterly lost in the aromas and decor of ABP.
Before long, it was time for me to pick up my food. The moment I saw it, I immediately realized that my love for my girlfriend would never be as powerful as my love for Au Bon Pain, and I knew what I had to do. I broke up with her on the spot. I texted her, “it isn’t you, it’s me,” but deep down inside I knew who it truly was: Au Bon Pain, with its beautiful and possibly Spanish name.
When I tried to eat my food, I was stopped at every turn. The sandwich was far too hot, by both definitions of the word. The fountain drink dispenser hissed at me angrily but seductively. The banana was missing most of its stem so it was difficult to open; yet, it was everything I longed for: ripe, banana-shaped, and full of potassium. I realized that the store must be playing hard to get. If I wanted to win it over, I would have to act. I walked up to the checkout counter and immediately started hitting on the employee.
This was met with immediate rejection and humiliation as I was kicked out of the store and had to leave my precious, tantalizing food behind. If you care about your life, don’t ever go into ABP, lest you be tempted to follow in my footsteps. I realize now that I will never be as high-value as the value you get for your meal block every time you purchase at Au Bon Pain.