Affable idiot with a pen
With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.
Regardless, our new goal as a newspaper of high esteem is to report fairly, an...
It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread in our time as an institution on this campus, and we hope you use it to blackmail as many of us as possible.
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As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which case you can enjoy Carnegie Mellon from the comfort of your own home, 24/7, on up to three different devices! Th...
As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the weather, and the lack of sex on campus, several staffers found a small box in the basement of Hun...
I was on break :)
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Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.
A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling ‘the worst curve in 14 years’.
Tensions ran high before the clock started. ~~S...
readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 in the morning, all the awards were revoked, and the prize money confiscated. With midterm season over, r...
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old laws, we were unable to do that. We are currently litigating in court to be the world's first AI ...
Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.
Find me a single example of the Tartan using the word "eccentricites". You can't. We're simply better.
Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up an idea nobody had ever thought about before could Carnegie Mellon students be fu...
