A Dead Jellyfish

Staffwriter
left_empty

Alex Werth

God's silliest soldier and most powerful poster creator
I study things that let me build things. I do an unhealthy amount of clubs. Do not throw food i…

Archibald The Great

Staffwriter
Former circus member, Lifelong Habsburg family member <3

B

Staff Artist
One of a select few talented people on this staff.

Benner Rogers

Staffwriter, Artist, Obligatory English Major
Yes, I am a real person. README'S number one and only journalist since 1984

Bianca T

Staff Artist
I like animals and plants

Bridget McMahon

Staffwriter
nothing has ever happened to me an I have never done anything (in a non suspicious way)

Citron

Staffwriter
Single citron looking for love. Likes: Long periods standing in the same spot, judaism, mediter…

Covellite Dove

Senior Advisor, Staff Artist
no i dont - direct quote when asked if he had a bio

Danya Kogan

Staffwriter, Union Agitator, Special Correspondent to Dr. Et Al
I don't know what I am doing.

Dr. Et Al.

Staffwriter, Science Correspondent
I have a PhD in every possible field, and am proudly tenured here at Carnegie Mellon University.

Eshaan Joshi

Editor-in-Chief, Strikebreaker, Labor Law Violator
Affable idiot with a pen

Ethan Sterkeson

Staff Artist
im self-undiagnosing, nothing is wrong with me

Gavin Radford

Staffwriter, Lead Gavin, Nutrients
Gavin is a thought-leader, activist, and thingy-maker from San Gabriel, California. He first learne…

George Michael

Readme's goodest boy
woof woof bark bark

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis

Chief Technical Officer, Staffwriter
Kept around because no one else wants to do manual data entry

House Plant

Staffwriter
left_empty

Isabelle Florence

Cryptid Corner
Writer of Cryptid Corner

J. P. Crawfish

Staffwriter
LEFT_EMPTY

Jimothy Yachtsson

Staffwriter
This guys in Tepper, and he wants you to know it.

Maere Lynn

Staff Artist
Sorry im like kinda dying rn - art major

Meat

Intern
Ian Turner, known typically by his nickname "Meat", is ReAdMe's loyal intern, who does anything we …

Mihir Deshpande

Staffwriter
I'm the guy who didn't know Pittsburgh had rivers for most of his freshman year.

Mr. Anomalocaris

Disease spreader, Distribution Manager, Radio ReadMe Host, Evil
Famed private detective and definitely not a person.

Nott N. Annagramm

Staffwriter
I am a collective hallucination

Robin Notin

Staffwriter
i'm literally just a bird (not a government drone)

Samson Rozansky

Staffwriter
2 truths 1 lie this is the lie this is the lie this is the lie

Tali Kirschenbaum

Lead Copy Editor, Staffwriter
Tali is a judgmental bitch who prefers critiquing others' work instead of creating her own, which i…

Violet R. Blu

Staffwriter
I’m a hard-nosed student journalist. I spend my time cutting through the lies and lying on the Cut.

Wade Cheng

Staffwriter, Webmaster
Sometimes sillying. Periodically serious'd.

µllom

Staff Artist
my linkedin full of a bunch of short-term "career experiences" is called a hustle, sweetheart, not …

​"Save-a-tree" Bhat

Staff Writer
Spokane's unfunniest engineer

​"Tyan Rosh"

Staffwriter, Social Media
Pursuing a BS in Undecided, class of 2028. You'll never guess my name. IG: @ryantosh0

3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat

Staffwriter
Readme's dedicated word possessor superfan.

Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’

Staffwriter
Unknowable and Mysterious

Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II

Staffwriter
Unknowable and Mysterious

Chatman GuPerT

Real Human Staffwriter
Jordan Harper is an award-winning journalist and the lead columnist for rEaDme, a publication known…

Coward

Staffwriter
LEFT_EMPTY

Dr. Dee Pression

Staffwriter
Unknowable and Mysterious

Dr. Johnathan Speed

Staffwriter
Loud people are the bane of my existance.

Enu [redacted]

Staffwriter
[redacted]

Fulke Fuchs

Guest Writer
These hooligans keep using "the fuck word" and I will not stand for it

Hom O. Gaylord

Chief Homosexual
Hello Queers! I am READMEs gayest writer (a tough competition). I am here to share the gay experi…

I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much

Staffwriter
not telling you anything

Jeremiah Cornelius Penname XXVII

Staffwriter
Unknowable and Mysterious

Joe MacDonald

Staffwriter
North Korea

John Doe

Staffwriter
when readme gets a little too silly, we have john doe write articles for us so nothing comes back t…

John Wilkes Booth

Staffwriter
It is I, John Booth, the inventor of booth

Johnny Truant

Staffwriter
LEFT_EMPTY

Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy

Staffwriter
I hate communism.

Mass of Rat Brain Cells

Rat brain
Created in a lab

Maximillian Bartholemow VIII

Staffwriter
Born to a wealthy landowning family in Surrey, England, Maximillian Bartholemew III, is our highly …

Mike Rophon

Staffwriter
Unknowable and Mysterious

O’Connall Haytier

Staffwriter
Patriotic for CMU

Pennsylvania Jones

Staffwriter, Archaeologist
I belong in a museum

Political Correspondent™

Staffwriter
only reporter to cover politics you don't care about

Porque Taepwyrm

Staffwriter
Currently stuck inside of RFK Jr's brain, please get me out of here

README

Staffwriter
I am the sentient embodiment of this cursed publication. I have thoughts and feelings too.

Reyzl Limenesser

Pilk Enthusiast
I Love Pilk

Sidewalk Bro

random guest or whatever, not artist
You met me once by a city bus stop and really wish you didn’t

Sigmund Maille

Writer by trade, Sigma Male by passion
Despite what you may have heard about me, I do not hate women, rather I just want women to leave me…

Steve Tummler

Staffwriter
I'm a uh...big fan of infrastructure. A really big fan of it. Like the big fan they have to remove …

Tack Layshun

Staffwriter
readme's milkiest writer

Thatcher Maggie

Capitlism
I am proof that men don't have the be the only horrible politicians

TheCountFan789

Protest Counter
Count von Count's number 1 fan! Definitely not the count himself. That vvould be very silly.

Tulip Sondisdik

Staffwriter
i am flowers

Your Mother

Staffwriter
Why do all the people at CMU have mommy issues? I'm only one woman

A. Axolotl

Staffwriter
LEFT_EMPTY

Abe James

Staffwriter
Unknowable and Mysterious

Alan Joseph

Staffwriter
LEFT_EMPTY

Ariel Kinel

Staffwriter
Aquafina Company Representative

Cindy Gao

Staffwriter
perhaps better known as auntie readme. almost certainly not a cat.

Emily Jiang

Staffwriter
Academic Weapon

Grey O'Hara

Staff Artist
LEFT_EMPTY

Jacobi Edge

Staff Artist
I kiss wet rats

Jasmine Papino-Wood

Operations Manager, Staffwriter
i'm the one who wrote the dysphoria article

Jonathan Wang

Staffwriter, Layout Manager
Jonathan doesn't know how he made it onto exec but he somehow enjoys privileges' that nobody else d…

Kevin Song

Senior Advisor, Staff Artist
Kevin isn't literate, so we make him draw some of the pictures. We also use him as the printing goo…

Kyle Hynes

Staffwriter
LEFT_EMPTY

Lee Rodriguez

Chief Technical Officer, server rack owner, revenge bedtime procrastinator
𝐼𝒻 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒, 𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃 𝓂𝒶𝓀𝑒 𝒾𝓉 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝓌𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 ‏‏‎ ♡ ‏‏‎ ‎ I ❤️ NY | PRISM Chair 🛜 | Creative W…

Phong

Staffwriter
None of the potentially incriminating things I've said in internal Readme communications (namely ██…

Reid Starzl

Staff Artist
LEFT_EMPTY

Ryan Chernoff

Contributor, Web developer
Has contributed absolute nothing to ReadMe and may very well not exist.