Citron
monoecious
Staffwriter
studies in fruitiness and zest, 2029
Bio
Single citron looking for love.
Likes: Long periods standing in the same spot, judaism, mediterranean and asian food
Dislikes: Lemons, people who make weird faces at me (it hurts)
Fun fact
idk, I can upDATE this later right
Location
morocco
Latest
A Day in the Life at CMU Miami
8 AM. My alarm beeps twice. I jolt awake, panic, and swing my arm at it. Miss. Shit.
“IT’S KENNETH C. GRIFFIN O’CLOCK!” it bellows, and tinny notes soon follow. Can’t switch it off now – turning off the official Kenneth C. Griffin theme song is liable to suspension from the university.
8:15 AM. I brush my teeth in the dorm bathroom. There’s no mirror; instead, a gigantic photograph of Kenneth C. Griffin watches me, grinning. I search for a message in his eyes. You’ve got some toothpaste on your lip, they say.
9 AM. Classes start. …
This Dog got into CMU with a 1100 SAT
“I didn’t really want to go to MIT anyways. I just feel like their campus culture wouldn’t have suited me,” explains 17 year old Basset Hound Elvis Johnson. “But CMU’s got these Tartan traditions, and, you know, that kind of thing. I think it was my number one choice, actually.”
The most remarkable thing about Elvis is, without a doubt, his college admission results. Despite scoring a measly 1100 after 2 retakes on the SAT, he was admitted to top Drama and Design university CMU for a degree in Statistics and Machine Learning.
“I was in shock,” said …
Lights! Camera! Action! The CMU Pornography Club
Much to the delight of erotism aficionados and carnality enthusiasts, a salacious new club is coming to the CMU campus in the 26-27 school year. The CMU Pornography Club, established by third-year Rajesh Cummings, aims high.
“We don’t just want to release the decades of pent-up sexual frustration that call this institution home,” says Rajesh. “I mean, decades. You can literally taste it in some of these classrooms. It’s frightening. But that’s not the point.”
“It’s fundamentally an artistic endeavor,” ejaculates head director Owen Dickens. “That’s what everybody else gets wrong.”
Owen believes that pornography is about …
What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?
He's in prison.
We're broke
Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing us to outsource this issue’s printing to one of our parents. To put it simply, we are pitiful, abject, and loathsome. Please give us money. Even a penny would go a long way; we need copper to fix the wires for the 5W generator that powers everything we own, so …
Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel
On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s President, “I know you have all come here today to hear about CMU’s past, present, and future. I know you are here to hear about our finances, our policies, and our officials. But sometimes, there are things more important than the lifeblood of a diminutive private school with a laughably …
What is Sex? An Investigative Account
In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, little is known regarding “sex” or its properties. The state of affairs being so, I have put forth my best efforts in order to discover more about the elusive “sex” and make public this information for the betterment of mankind.
To understand the first step of my research, some …