By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy 8 AMs where you wish there was a little something stiff in your pants to wish you a good morning. With 5-Hour Transgender, your birth certificate is no barrier to presenting as any gender you choose for a short amount of time, without the cost and complications of traditional transness.

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an air cannon. Formations dressed in solid tartan plaid rush the stage as a second attack group shatters the windows above to your right. Shots are fired, Honk dies in a cloud of stuffing. Iliano is rushed away, leaving a first-time TA in charge of the lecture, which continues on at …

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more options in case some delivery got botched.

However, it was a really great time! Most of my orders came from University of Pittsburgh students, who were all really sweet. Everybody around that university just radiated positivity and kindness, and were super understanding whenever I faced traffic. One girl even …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With the foundation of Carnegie Institute of Technology in 1900, overworking spread from the steel mills to the classroom. Carnegie’s famous quote, “my heart is in the work,” has been taken quite literally, with Celsius-sponsored heart attacks now driving school production 126 years later.

Carnegie also had indirect influence – …

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving parents, no prospect, no future, and he has been listening to AI Batman to help him overcome his chronic procrastination.

“So… now what?” asked Bob.

Well, you might jump to the obvious answer – Bob should start Binge Drinking. He gotta keep drinking until his problems seem to …

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the power to share information into the hands of everyday citizens, the bottleneck of a select few journalists to uncover and distribute truth is no longer a profitable point at which to rent-seek.

So what comes next? The board of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette has some ideas. On Tuesday, they'll be …

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hard­working American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. Recent events regarding a certain Pittsburgh newspaper owned by a certain set of twin brothers from Ohio have only served to emphasize this.

The U.S Supreme Court, in an affront to the enterprising American spirit, had ruled in favor of ungrateful striking journalists, forcing the owners to negotiate with …

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. Treat them with the reverence they deserve, and you shall be rewarded. When they make you buckets of money, I want half.

AI Doors

Doors are everywhere in modern life. So I find it a deplorable reflection of the sorry state of the “free market” that up till …

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble when I happened to go past a ratha interesting section.” Judd had always admired Blanc’s southern drawl, reminding of his boyhood obsession with cowboys and the south and ten-gallon hats. He loved ten gallon hats, he even knew that they derived from the spanish phrase Tan Galan. “Oh yeah? What …