An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine
Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell I would not wish upon my worst enemy.
Avid fans of readme know that we publish bi-weekly on Wednesdays. This means we print and distribute copies of readme on Tuesday evenings. I have just been informed that we are not publishing on Wednesday this week. Is this a sign …
Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol
In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to find out.
Au Bon Pain
Need to drown your Pain? Check out ABP's "signature cocktails," a new set of menu additions! Our reviewers found it confusing to order on a block, and the wait was long, but the drinks had unique spins and good flavor. We particularly liked …
I Hate Baker-Porter
Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.
Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. Where does Baker end and Porter start? No one knows. The hallway is so long by the time you reach the other end you lose your will to live. Baker-Porter consumes the entire South side of the mall, and we let it get away with it. Soon it will try …
Kirby's Adventure NES Review
If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a dumpster.
Firstly, the story is just pitiful. There are only three characters (and one twist villain) that have any importance, everyone else is just irrelevant. The game’s “twist” villain is not foreshadowed at all and is just a pitiful excuse to attempt to redeem the game’s main antagonist, King …
The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain
The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what good that would have done for the world. At first, I thought the brain of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. himself, well-known American politician, influencer, and current US Secretary of Health and Human Services would be a lovely, hearty meal- this guy’s an environmentalist, a lawyer, fights for minority rights, and …
Poetry Corner
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck
Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our lives would be as shaky as a fiddler on the roof
Oh no
That's not good
The fiddler
Has dropped the fiddle
From the roof
Onto Tevye’s eldest
She looks hurt
Ok it's just a bruise she’ll be fine
Surely nothing else bad will happen to the Jews of Anatevka
Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy
Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, after some careful investigative journalism (that did not include trespassing), our brave journalists were able to pinpoint the intended use of the laser.
According to internal SDC documents, the laser is able to get targeted wheels hot enough to burn them off of opposing teams' buggies. Additionally, CMU students …
All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things
As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. In fact, a lot of my friends are Jewish! Well, not that having Jewish friends precludes me from being antisemitic, but that — I mean, I’m not friends with them because they’re Jewish, they just happen to be both Jewish and my friends. So I’m definitely cool with the Jews.
…Torah Review
Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.
Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.
Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed off.
Joseph’s Coat of Many Colors
🔯🔯🔯
A bit too much if you ask me.
Passover Story
🔯🔯
Can’t believe they plagiarized from the iconic 1998 American animated musical drama film The Prince of Egypt. Is nothing original these days?
The Desert
🔯🔯🔯🔯🔯
t’s …
Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"
All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The judges disqualified us, just as we feared.
Ain’t gonna work on Saturday
Ain’t gonna work on Saturday
Double, double, triple pay
Won’t make me work on Saturday
Ain’t gonna work on Saturday
It’s shabbos kodesh
Next carnival I was a buggy driver
All Sundays fall and spring I …
Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married
1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen
Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother said? Rachel is moving to Philly for her residency. A doctor! Can you believe that? It would work out so well and you won’t even let me set you guys up. Fine, fine, I won’t. You know I do so much for you and this is all I get in …
People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed
Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian king Ahasuerus’s wife, at least until Ahasuerus got so royally drunk that he banished Vashti for refusing to appear naked in front of all the partying men for his seven-day-long party. This is widely considered to be within the top three least normal things Ahasuerus did. This required him to …
REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp
Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of 80-degree weather with no air conditioning. But as it turned out, being in the dorm was more like being in the bunk with the other friend group. “My roommates don’t want to play ultimate frisbee or Magic: The Gathering with me,” he complained. “But on the bright side, at least …
On the Four Questions
First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they all were at even though it was 4,000 years ago and also probably never happened at all (I can say that; most Jews don’t punish atheists for blasphemy these days). But before they get to telling you the story, the youngest person who knows Hebrew just well enough to do …
Wean is Shabbat Friendly?
On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that observant jews could go onto a different floor while still obeying G-d. One example of such an institution that uses this technology is Wean Hall at Carnegie Mellon University, a prestigious T5 tech school nestled in the foothills of the Allegheny Mountains. The way these elevators are shabbat compliant is …
Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder
Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of prayers and none of the traditional food,” they said. “It will be fun,” they said. I was naive enough to accept the invitation.
A few days later, I donned a formal dress shirt, combed my hair, and made my way over to my friend’s house. Although I was fifteen …
Campus Activity Report
Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the most serious crimes plaguing our campus.
Non-Jewish amnesty recipient claims he and friends were just celebrating Purim
On Thursday, an amnesty call had the third floor of Morewood Gardens abuzz. Jason Zhou, the student for whom the call was made, spoke with reAdMe on the condition of anonymity. …
Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader
Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.
Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old Jewish boy/girl becomes a Jewish adult. Your parents will not treat you as an adult though. (They never will.)
Birkat Hamazon: The set of prayers said after meals which at camp is accompanied by a near-canonical set of hand motions and sayings, among the more dubious of which is …
TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation
Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, another TSA was setting up for a GBM: CMU's own Taiwanese Students Association.
Due to the ensuing confusion, the entirety of the bodies of the two organizations were swapped overnight. Pittsburgh's hotels are swamped as over 60,000 former airport security officers are celebrating Taiwanese heritage, while the nation's airports …
Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic
This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In the past, the program has garnered rave reviews.
“This program got me away from Pittsburgh, as advertised. I hate Pittsburgh, so I’m happy,” said one student. “I learned a lot of Italian words, like pizza, pasta, espresso, and merda,” reported another. “I love how many naked people there are …
A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise
It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to business majors, or leave their dear native campus to party at Pitt. They take up spots in CIT and SCS, while forcing innocent students to live in cramped chambers, originally meant for two, in groups of three.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number …
Do you want to hear a joke?
Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s like WOMEN there! Amiright? Right?
[four seconds of silence]
Anyway, like. Traveling. Like you’re traveling uhhh, like, abuh. Like, a buh [Laughter] abuh- abuh- hold on. [Shaky breath] Abruhaha- hahaha- a broa- A- BRO [Cackling] Oh, oh ma [Continuing laughter] Oh, oh let me catch my breath. [Huffing …