Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel
On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s President, “I know you have all come here today to hear about CMU’s past, present, and future. I know you are here to hear about our finances, our policies, and our officials. But sometimes, there are things more important than the lifeblood of a diminutive private school with a laughably …
Proposal for a new meme
Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before the release of Grand Theft Auto VI. This is usually stated quite casually. For example, one may say “we really having WW3 before GTA6” or “we got aliens before GTA6.” I do not understand the value of these so-called jokes. Simply stating that one event happened before another is not …
Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another
No one noticed the first bottle.
It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, faintly warm, light yellow, she assumed it was hers, though she didn’t remember drinking anything much: just three Rockstars, the same as every morning.
By the time the sunrise brilliantly illuminated the CFA roof, setting flames dancing across the aluminum roof and ornate railing, there were three. They showed …
SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability
In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.
The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. “Civilizations can advance rapidly under the right conditions,” says lead researcher Dr. Victus, sharing his fears with our interviewers. “Rome has the infrastructure and ambition. The warning signs are everywhere: vast road networks enabling troop movements, advanced engineering feats like aqueducts and concrete. Rome is laying the technological groundwork for …
Triamgle Mightmare
I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.
Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my life, for the life of others. Mathematical operations were just not the same. Minus was called mimus. Math was called math. Integrals, even, were called imtegrals.
If reading this scares you, it should. Before you go to sleep tonight, think: what if it was different?
What if it was different, …
What is Sex? An Investigative Account
In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, little is known regarding “sex” or its properties. The state of affairs being so, I have put forth my best efforts in order to discover more about the elusive “sex” and make public this information for the betterment of mankind.
To understand the first step of my research, some …
CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday
As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.
Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss Babeigh certainly sets a new bar, pursuing a Ph.D. under all seven departments of SCS. Her seminal work in hyper-efficient Bayesian inference, which she published nine hours ago, is expected to revolutionize the modern fields of statistics and AI. Professors say Babeigh is a pleasure to have in class, with …
What are they carrying to the sky?
Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its place. Nobody knows what happens to the statue at the highest position. Presumably, it has walked to the sky.
Several months ago, such a shift occurred. But a student sitting on the Cut in a lawn chair with a superzoom camera lens noticed something odd: the newest sculpture was …
Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)
One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices against one another to prove once and for all that drunk driving is better.
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1. Drunk driving forces you to live in the moment.
In order to properly drive drunk, you'll be utterly black-out wasted. If you remember any step in the process of getting home, …
From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s
The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for hate, which they came up with shortly after inventing trigonometry: arc-agape, arc-eros, arc-philia, arc-storge, arc-philautia, and arc-xenia. One lesser known perk of attending school in the Pittsburgh area is getting to experience all of these sentiments in their natural breeding ground, the McDonald’s on Forbes Avenue. For the cheap price …
Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market
At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling and the sophomores buying is inefficient,” Manya stated from the Hunt Bloomberg Terminal, which she has not left in days, much to the annoyance of several Tepper students who have taken to networking with each other while waiting in line for the terminal to clear up.
Manya’s firm operates …
