A Letter from the Editor
readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 in the morning, all the awards were revoked, and the prize money confiscated.
With midterm season over, readme staffers have begun to feel joy and some emotions other than stress and pain. However, they've also stopped being funny, so the editorial staff has started employing torture methods like the …
Auntie readme's Advice
After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with experts in their fields!*
*Their fields being anxiety, mostly. †
How long is too long for a handshake? Am I gripping too hard? Is it too late to switch the eye I'm making eye contact with right now?
Ideally, a nice firm handshake should last until either …
15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation
Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.
A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling ‘the worst curve in 14 years’.
Tensions ran high before the clock started. Students The detainees were required to provide IDs, and a proof of their own handwriting for identification purposes. Under heavy fire from ed, students were ordered not to stress and to get sleep before the examination, …
Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department
In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and others at Carnegie Mellon University, came the closest to answering the age-old question of how to alter the fabric of contingency. The previous methods employed by the engineers in earlier studies involved fiddling with various criteria of the apparatuses that make up the bigger picture of the whatchamacallit. What our …
Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time
13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time
SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.
(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)
SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh! Uh, sorry to interrupt, but can I go by a different name? Don’t want mine on the record in case any rabid tech fans try to track me down.
SAFFRON: Alright, he wants to go by a pseudonym. Sure, shoot.
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh uhhh, fuckin, can …
CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72
The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for README, stated that the slight raise in costs was necessary for improvements throughout campus.
One of the improvements the money will go towards is the hygiene of dining options across campus. A recent investigation from the Allegheny County Health Department revealed a plethora of food safety violations. After fifteen …
Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!
Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s reaction also seemed to prove his guilt with him barking and charging at the camera to stop them from recording.
MARTHA IS OUTRAGED
Concerned fans began to tag Martha Speaks, Scotty’s current girlfriend, on the situation on X which caused her to say in a tweet that she …
The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side
Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with adequate rigor to keep them at the forefront of innovation, but it also offers a beautiful campus. With unique sprawling buildings, open walkways, the iconic fence traditionally painted by students, and a library that lights up with rainbow colors at night, Carnegie Mellon is truly a spectacle. One of its …
A Letter from the Editor
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old laws, we were unable to do that. We are currently litigating in court to be the world's first AI only magazine. We do have some corrections to issue from Issue #1 though. We'd first like to apologize for forgetting to credit on Evie Parke with the icon for the organization. …
Auntie Readme's Advice Column
The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!
should i take a job at lockheed martin if they offer me $300k a year 🤔
Military-industrial complex? I find it quite simple, actually. You and I have very different problems and I am unqualified to advise on yours. I direct you to my official Dietrich merch, reading “My major may not make money, but is too impractical …
Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On November 31, 2023, municipal workers sorting through old zoning documents found the original paperwork submitted by Andrew Carnegie to buy the land which would eventually become Carnegie Mellon University. While looking over the historic document, they discovered a clerical error that meant the 32.78 by 15.659 foot rectangle of land around the Fence had …
CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt
PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.
Twelve twentyfive p.m.
President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”
Four explosions, and four westbound cannonballs fired from Carnegie Mellon’s most archaic weapons, filled the air. Three made contact with the target, while one fell below the skyline, towards the streetscape, to wreak what minimal damage it could.
Three shattered windows were visible against the silhouette of the Cathedral of Learning, …
Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU representative stated that Donner will, in fact, still be used to house students both this and next year.
Nearly all of Donner was reduced to ash and rubble except for one lone surviving room: the band room for the Carnegie Mellon Kiltie Band. “It really is a miracle,” stated …
Readme Crime Report
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, so…..
Student Drives Forklift Recklessly, Causes Major Fire
A local student drove a modified forklift carrying two gallons of crude oil into the Tepper School of Business at an alarming speed of 90mph, causing millions in property damage. The glass on the building all shattered, and because CMU has …
The 'car' in Carnegie
Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.
A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et Al revealed that the curbs contiguous with the sidewalks that barely anyone uses serve as a potential hazard towards automobiles passing through, thus the sidewalks had to go, expanding the road’s shoulder in the process.
After the university had finished this construction, Dr. Et Al ran a subsequent analysis, …
The secret dark reality of ChatGPT
Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their homework. However, behind ChatGPT’s shiny facade lies a foundation of exploitation and a culture of overwork. To lay bare the problems within OpenAI, Journalist Benner Rogers conducted a bombshell interview with an anonymous employee on what it’s like working for the face of AI.
Before the questions begin, could …
readme returns!
Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up an idea nobody had ever thought about before could Carnegie Mellon students be funny? Unfortunately, during this meeting, Skip cracked the first ever joke told on CMU campus, leading to two hospitalizations and the death of Jim McDougal from excessive laughter. The tragic result of this meeting delayed the …
A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors
1. Introduction
Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after a brief countdown. These hand gestures represent a rock, paper, or a pair of scissors, respectively (some variants also allow for other objects, such as guns. However, we will only be considering the usage of actual guns to gain a tactical advantage). Rock beats scissors by denting them, scissors beats …
Carnegie Crime Report
README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an organization (aside from just generally fucking around of course).
Student Builds Homemade Fissile Core, Irradiates Half of Campus
The space from Baker Hall to the Gates & Hillman Centers is currently radioactive after a student at Carnegie Mellon built a homemade fissile core out of nothing but …
10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan
1) Better at news
Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.
2) Better words
Find me a single example of the Tartan using the word "eccentricites". You can't. We're simply better.
3) Lack of a sports section
Considering how much we here at Carnegie Mellon dislike sports, atheltics, and the general existence of nonacademic endeavours, readme stays true to the original vision of Carnegie Mellon by ignoring any and all sports …
The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications
In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not 2016 (see more in the methods section), therefore the year four years ago was 2020. We also managed to conclude that anyone reading this abstract is getting old.