Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming
Abstract
Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the conditions required for the promotion of mold growth are already present in a dorm room. The main deficiency, however, is adequate moisture. Hence, most of this study focused on increasing the moisture content of a standard dorm room. Multiple methods were tested for increasing the moisture content of a dorm …
Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you
It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.
You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.
Does Squeaky have rabies? you ask yourself. No, Squeaky doesn’t. What does Squeaky have? Courage. Gumption. Chutzpah. Probably the confidence to make a phone call. Maybe even the confidence to leave a message.
Shouldn’t this squirrel (let’s call him Sir Nutsworth) be afraid of humans and cars? You are a …
So you've heard of 122?
So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else laughs and makes joyful conversation. They might even crawl someplace dark and quiet, like a sick cat hiding under your bed waiting to die. Wondering why? Well, it might just be 122.
Taking care of a friend with 122 is tricky. You want to communicate that you sympathize with …
Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually
If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m sure you’ve been told about some of the benefits; a great community, parties, hands on experience, parties, engineering experience, and parties. I’m here to tell you the real benefits of being a mechanic: waking up at 4 am.
Do you have problems sleeping? Worry no more. After a few …
![[TODO]](/media/vol4/issue1/images/vampirism_NeB5Hf6.png)
A Disease for Every Department
CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: Black lung
MechE: Traumatic brain injury
Dietrich
CMIST: Spanish flu
Econ: No disease; paid for quick healthcare, let the poor die
English: Long COVID and bisexuality
History: Consumption
LCAL: Chlamydia
Neurosci: Syphilis
Philosophy: Abdominal brewery syndrome
Psychology: Toxoplasmosis
SDS: Addiction
Stats: Foodborne illness
Heinz
IS: Old age
…
Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)
Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before the deadline.
Repopulate the steam tunnels with bacteria from one spore colony.
Attend a meeting for one of the clubs you’re on the mailing list for.
Talk to Pitt students without being arrogant.
Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion
A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient X tosses and turns in their luxurious quad beneath a red velvet blanket. Lavender handkerchiefs have been supplied for Patient X to delicately hack up blood into. Mudge Mansion RAs implore Dining Services to make a thin gruel for Patient X to subsist on, for they have no stomach for …
CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze
It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.
We attempted to interview one student partaking in the trend on the Mall. "I've started guzzling my clear sloppy style," he stated. "I'm getting it everywhere. Dripping down my chin, my chest, splashing up on my forehead, ohfuck." The student proceeded to slam back a full, dewy Nalgene of cold water, splattering it across the dry sidewalk.
We …
Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip
The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four boats had fallen somewhat behind, and it was unclear what was causing the delay. One junior reported, “I could see the boats rocking back and forth, feathers were flying in the air, and a few minutes later we heard a splash. On the bus back, some of the people from …
CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!
Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with eyes full of curiosity and wonder, expecting to be inspired by CMU SCS’s great intellectual minds that will push the boundaries of computer science, dragging the world into an age of technological progress. But, as you approach your fellow computer scientists, hoping to discuss the absolute state-of-the-art discoveries within the …
![The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"](/media/vol4/issue1/images/tylenot_9zWks4g.png)
New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students
Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.
SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had already begun to notice the markings of a gifted child. According to Anderson’s mother, Sheila, “Lily would sit there for hours solving algebraic equations. If a kid asked to play with her, she’d cover her ears and drown out the sound of their voice until they walked away. I think …
CMU Cancelled, Go Home
Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!
Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid
Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.
We've used our decades of collective experience to compile CMU's most comprehensive guide to getting in the kilt of the nearest warm body on campus. You can trust you're getting the real deal: for the 10th year in a row, the Wall Street Journal has ranked us as having more staffers …
A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"
It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the attractiveness of freshmen) confidently strutting your way, smelling like a middle schooler who's just discovered Axe body spray, taking time during every stride to make sure your chest and/or groin hasn't gone anywhere in the meantime.
Time freezes. You've found someone who read the sex guide. Don't bother hitting …