Benner Rogers
Staffwriter, Artist, Obligatory English Major
Literature and Culture, Russian Studies, DC '27
Bio
Yes, I am a real person. README'S number one and only journalist since 1984
Fun Fact
I'm illiterate. Don't tell Eshaan, he hasn't noticed yet.
Previous Work
Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system
A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The workers escaped unharmed; however a large section of wall and flooring collapsed to reveal a previously unknown cave tunnel. The tunnel leads into a complex underground network of passages and natural caverns full of primeval artifacts completely untouched by time. The most shocking part? People were still living there.
Within the cave system lives a perfectly preserved tribe of peoples from the Paleolithic era. Surviving off of a new species of cave fish, natural freshwater springs, and unique farming techniques for cultivating lichen and mushrooms, the tribe has seemingly had little to no interactions with the modern world. It is currently unclear how large the network of caves is or how much of them have been populated by the tribe.
Despite the sea of anthropologists, historians, and sociologists that have swarmed CMU campus, communication has been limited. Attempts at conversation only last a few hours each day due to psychological and medical concerns. Language barriers also complicate interviews with tribe members. In spite of such hurdles, however, analysis of communication between tribe members has revealed an oral tradition that’s been kept alive since the dawn of humanity. The ritual, best translated as “TellMe”, involves the retelling of comedic stories to members to induce laughter. Stories are occasionally complemented with crude cave paintings of the subjects being described. “TellMe” is thought to be an ancient way of spreading news throughout the tribe. Though the full stories are unable to be translated, topics have included mythological creatures, the tribe’s leader, recent unusual events, and often those interviewing them. It’s believed that “TellMe” has a very large religious importance as well. Experts hope that “TellMe” will lead to larger breakthroughs in their attempts to converse with humanity’s past.
Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found
Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have been hand copied at Skibo before being circulated between various other Byzantine monasteries. No other surviving copies have been found. Although most of the manuscript is too damaged to be read, a brief excerpt of the article “The Siege of Skibo” has been translated below:
…the invading Horde had finally reached the monastery gates. Our Loyal Hounds were on their last legs, and only a divine miracle would surely save us from the barbarians. Amidst the confusion, Brother Michael approached me. Upon his face was a wide smile that brought me great confusion. “Brother Michael,” I cried, “why are you rejoicing?” Full of mirth, he responded, “Because the Lord has answered your prayers, Abbot!” “What prayers?” I asked, as a deep pit of dread grew within mine own soul. “Why, the prayers you asked of me yesterday of course.” Finally understanding, I lurched backwards in horror. The Fool had not prayed for “The Holy Light from the God of Man,” but “A Whole Day’s Fight from the Ottomans!”
The comedic appeal of PreachMe is, unfortunately, rather lacking, but to a Byzantine monk on his fourth hour of book copying it would have been hilarious. After all, most monks could only find excitement by murdering their fellows through strange and obscure methods. Several PreachMe articles were even dedicated to the phenomena. Other methods of entertainment included wandering through esoteric labyrinths, silently contemplating the many ways you are going to hell, and having sex with younger monks because it’s not gay if they look like women. Yeesh. Not much in the fun department.
Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly
When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by Zampanò’s Literature club. During the structural check, it was discovered that the booth was a quarter inch bigger on the inside when compared to the outside.
ZLC’s booth, themed after the hit documentary The Navidson Record, seemed laughably simple upon first glance. The walls are painted pitch black and there is no game for visitors to play. Although ZLC finished their structural work notably quicker than other blitz organizations, work on the booth ceased immediately afterwards. Nearby clubs noted that they never actually saw ZLC members working on the booth: Benner Rogers, a student at CMU working on booth for the CMU KGB, stated that the walls “just seemed to come up on their own.” When questioned further, she explained that,
“I’ve never seen anyone step foot on their plot, but every time I left and came back something would be different. First it was the floor being finished. Then, new walls would pop up and get sheathed. And the really, I mean really weird thing was that it was all pre-painted. Even the wall frames are black…” With an uneasy glance at the booth, she quickly added, "I don’t like to look at it much.”
When the discovery of the booth’s spatial anomaly was made, it was initially chalked up to human error. But for many, the explanation is far too little. Rogers is also dissatisfied with official explanations.
“I saw them measure the floor nearly fifty times. It’s not human error. I know it’s not. Something is seriously wrong in there and someone needs to find out what.”
Due to the controversy, CMU administration have temporarily closed ZLC’s booth for Carnival. A ZLC representative was not able to be located to comment.
Author’s note: The night before this article was to be printed, Ms. Rogers sent me a letter. I have enclosed the text below in its entirety:
I did it. I finally went inside. And… the door is gone. I mean, it’s still there on the outside. But on the inside… on the inside it just continues. There’s just a hallway, just as black as the rest of the booth. I don’t know how far it goes. I was too scared to go any further.
I’m going inside again tonight. I need to know what’s at the end. This house is calling to me. I’ll write back when I make it out alive.
Benner Rogers
Since writing this letter, Benner Rogers has reportedly gone missing. If you have any information on her whereabouts, please call the CMU Police Department.
All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things
As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. In fact, a lot of my friends are Jewish! Well, not that having Jewish friends precludes me from being antisemitic, but that — I mean, I’m not friends with them because they’re Jewish, they just happen to be both Jewish and my friends. So I’m definitely cool with the Jews.
Jesus [Editor’s Note: Really? Interesting choice of messiah], Benner, what are you doing? Get a grip. Just… just move on already.
All I’m saying is that some of my Jewish friends have a rather dark sense of humor. Particularly the ones who write for ReadMe. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Everyone enjoys a macabre joke every once in a while. But sometimes, from an outside perspective, it can look a little… questionable. Especially when they make these jokes in public. I mean, I understand that humor can be a way of coping with generational trauma. I’m not trying to say that isn’t okay! I totally understand the appeal for self deprecating humor. But we are in a very sensitive political time right now and, well, sometimes these kinds of jokes can come off rather poorly.
There might not even be any problems! I trust my friends to make good decisions while writing, and they’re all very funny people. It’s probably fine.
Look. I don’t think I’m getting my point across very well. I just… wow. I don’t know how else to say this, but… The Jewish people in ReadMe have said the most antisemitic things I have ever encountered. I’ve heard absolutely vile statements come from the mouths of my Jewish friends. If I repeated them, it would instantly make me unhireable. I’m talking about talking points ripped straight from medieval Europe. It can be really, really bad.
Again, this isn’t because they’re Jewish! I love the Jewish people! And I’m definitely not antisemitic! I’m just trying to explain that no, I swear I’m not a Nazi, my friends are just assholes who also happen to be Jewish.
Oh man… This is not how I wanted this to go. What am I even saying? You need to save this right now, Benner, or you can kiss any hope for an internship goodbye.
Do I need to convert to Judaism? Because I’ll do it. I am fully prepared to devote my life to reading the Torah and cooking for Shabbat dinner. Just please, someone let me know what I can do to make this stop. I’m a good person I swear. Christ [Editor’s Note: Hmm.], why am I even trying? It’s hopeless! Why does it have to be me? I’m not an antisemite! You have to believe me! It’s not my fault! It’s their fault! No, I mean, I don’t want to blame the — goddammit, it’s not the Jews’ fault either! I’m so sorry!
Oh god, why did I have to use my real name for this goddamn newspaper?
Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus
“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”
- Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs
Feng Shui for ruining your life
Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room apartment can be transformed into the soul-sucking hovel of your dreams.
First, pick a building near an intersection with heavy traffic. Mudge, Morewood Gardens, and Residence on Fifth are all recommended locations. If you are living off campus, try to find an apartment complex that is also close to a stagnant pond and large, threatening buildings. Choose a room directly across from the elevators. This will cause difficulty in accumulating wealth, leave you more prone to accidents and medical emergencies, and create disharmony between you and your roommates. Ideally, the room’s bathroom should be on the leftmost side of the room and as close to the doorway as possible. Make sure there is a large window directly visible from the entrance so energy will leave the room as quickly as possible. If possible, renovate the apartment or dorm so that one of the corners is protruding with multiple sharp angles. This will create an irregularly-shaped living space. If renovation is not possible you can also use dividers to create a similar effect.
One of the most important elements in Feng Shui is bed position. Place your bed in the center of your doorway with the feet protruding into the hallway. Make sure there is no headboard. This ensures you are in the strongest possible funeral position and blocks the flow of energy into the room. A bright construction worklight should be used to fill your sleeping area with harsh light. Place a broken mirror near the upper-right corner of your bed and angle it such that you have an uninterrupted view of the toilet from both your bed and door. Inside the bathroom, place an aquarium of stagnant water. If there is not enough space, a full sink or bathtub will suffice. A few dead fish inside the aquarium are recommended but not necessary. If you want to go the extra mile, invite an evil spirit or two into your home. I hear they’re fans of ReadMe!
Proper balance between elements is vital when looking at your home’s Feng Shui. It is important to ensure your living space is following the most destructive cycle of elements: metal, wood, earth, water, and fire. By placing the elements in this each one will weaken the next, successfully removing any benefits they may have otherwise created. The placement of elements in the room is less important than the order and exact furniture location may be modified. This article will start with metal and move clockwise through the room for each successive element.
Starting with metal, place metal exercise equipment in the far-left corner of the room. Large 300 pound dumbbells are an easy option, as is a metal pullup rack. For wood, set a wooden desk directly in front to the right wall at a slight diagonal towards the far-right corner. Place a wooden bunk bed behind the desk. This will ensure lots of movement behind your back as you work. Next, place a large number of dead cacti on top of your dresser. This will satisfy the earth requirement while simultaneously increasing stress and conflict. The cacti will also invite bad energy, stagnation, and decay into your living space. If you’re worried the cacti won’t be enough, grow a colony of black mold on the wall closest to the door. Finally, add a couple more bowls of standing water in the bathroom to satisfy the water element and complete the cycle.
Congratulations! You have successfully used the power of Feng Shui to ruin your life. By following this guide, you can feel at ease knowing that you live with nothing but bad energy. And hey, at least it still won’t be as bad as Donner.
Best clubs for returning freshmen
For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of the best clubs CMU has to offer.
Stever Fight Club
The bloodlust of CMU students truly cannot be contained, and Stever Fight Club is a great outlet for the senseless violence we all know and love. Ever wanted to taste the unique iron flavor of blood and spit mixing on asphalt after a long day of failing your midterms? Head over to the parking lot behind Stever at 3:30 AM and the README team will show you what you’ve been missing.
CMU Virgins Club
Have you never been able to bag the girl of your dreams? Don’t fear! Neither have we! README is a proud sponsor of the CMU Virgins Club. Virgin Club has everything students need to help them become one of the 5% of people on campus who fuck. From Incel Therapy to First Date Trivia, Virgin Club is full of activities to help students meet other sexless losers like themselves.
Baby Punching Club
Those freeloaders have had it too easy for too long. Baby Punching Club is a volunteer organization dedicated to cleaning up the streets of Pittsburgh one punch at a time. Though freshmen may initially be intimidated by the grizzled stare of a two-month-old hardened criminal, upperclassmen will show them the ropes until they’re able to take on even the toughest infants like the best of us. Let’s show those fuckers who’s boss around here.
Liberal Brainwashing Club
“But Readme,” you may be asking, “when do I get to finally join the radical higher education woke hivemind?” Rest assured dear readers, all that and more can be found in CMU’s own Liberal Brainwashing Club. Guaranteed to start fights with your FOX News-loving grandparents over Thanksgiving, here you can learn all about those pesky historical nuances Republicans hate so damn much. Hone your debate skills with the Leftist Gauntlet, a weeklong event that will teach new members all the ins and outs of political infighting and moral grandstanding. And remember, just because someone agrees with you doesn’t mean they can’t be absolutely insufferable about it.
README
README opens its arms to any failed Tartan journalists, pathological liars, government shills, and unemployed mooches. Though it may seem difficult to write with the worst of the worst, the high turnover rate means that there’s always a spot for fresh meat. Also, Eshaan said that if I recruited five new writers with this article he wouldn’t execute me via firing squad, so please sign up!
Back to School at CMU
It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? CMU has restocked everything a struggling academic could need, all the way from notebooks to nunchucks. Sunglasses and SPF 500 sunscreen are half off as students readjust to seeing the burning rays of the sun travelling to and from class. Textbooks on the ABCs and learning to read are up to 75% off, although most have already been bought up by ReadMe staff. If you’re feeling like you’ve been damned to another semester in Hell, don’t worry! All purchases of $50 or more will come with a complimentary month's supply of antidepressants.
SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway
As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. The email stated that booth was an art form in its own right, and as such had a “moral obligation and imperative to instill the correct morals in those who visit.” All booth themes will be resubmitted for secondary review. If a theme fails to meet the new requirements it will be discarded and the organization will have up to three days to submit a second theme.
To comply with the Hays Code, booths must be themed after movies which meet its criteria. Films with morally-gray characters of any kind are banned, as are depictions of crime, violence, homosexuality, and any implications of marital affection. Men and women are not allowed to be working on a booth at the same time, as building a house together conjures images of homemaking and domesticity. Such homemaking implies the existence of a relationship, and intrinsically implies the existence of sexual relations. Builders of the same gender, however, are similarly banned from working together due to the implications of homosexual relationships. Thus, only one person may work on a booth at a time.
According to SCC, children who attend Spring Carnival are particularly susceptible to violent imagery. Booth organizations are allowed to choose movies with up to a cup of blood shown on screen. The yearly Stever Fight Club booth, alongside the yearly Teardown Bloodletting, will be banned from this year’s Carnival. Organizations will also be prohibited from passing out illicit substances as their game’s prize. Games are no longer allowed to teach participants how to commit various crimes, or to be generally unpleasant in any way.
Enforcement of the Hays Code will come from the Booth Un-American Activities Committee. Organizations who violate the Hays Code will be subject to different levels of fines depending on the severity of the infraction. Extreme violators will be summoned to testify before the BUAC to answer questions about their actions and/or political affiliations. Those found guilty of being commie scum will be removed from Midway and imprisoned in the Wean prison cells for a minimum of one week. Investigations into the moral decay of Spring Carnival have already begun, with Scotty himself, the booth chairs of the CMU KGB, and four random students of vaguely eastern-european descent being called before BUAC in what is being called the Tartan 10. An anonymous source has informed READme that political purges have already begun within SCC and are expected to spread through other organizations. ReadMe is currently investigating rumors of an “April Revolution” being planned by the CMU KGB in protest of the new regulations, and we encourage readers to follow this story to ensure their carnival weekend is morally acceptable.
Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect
In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s election in 1880. Michael’s triumph over his human opponents signals a radical shift in the US political landscape; with a record-breaking 1,674% voter turnout yesterday, it’s clear that the American public is tired of the contemporary political landscape they find themselves in. Below, ReadME has outlined some three major policies Michael campaigned on in the weeks before the election:
Free Treats for All: Michael has promised every US citizen over the age of 18 a stimulus package of 10 MilkBones, with families receiving an additional 5 treats per child. Campaign officials have stated that this will boost morale in an ever-doomerist American public. Additionally, Michael has promised that this package will be the first in a step of economic actions taken to revitalize the US economy.
Invisible Border Fence: Michael has promised to partner with Invisible Fence to build an electric border wall between the United States and Mexico. Officials state that this would both prevent illegal immigration while ensuring that US citizens living nearby wouldn’t have to reflect on what such exclusionary policies mean for their own senses of morality. Though this new border fence would require forcibly fitting every Mexican citizen with electric collars, Michael argues that he has found a solution that benefits all parties involved: instead of Mexico, Sweden would be forced to pay all related costs.
PAW Patrol: Upon taking office, Michael has made it clear that one of his first actions as president will be to institute the Patriot Assurance Wardens(PAW) Patrol. This special police force would monitor un-American activity in the US and suppress any activities that could possibly threaten the legitimacy of the President. Though Michael has not clarified what such “un-American” activities would look like, insider information given to ReadME hints that the PAW Patrol would mostly target excessive vacuum use, wrongful bathtime, and questioning a dog’s capability to be president.
George Michael’s new term will certainly change the future of politics in America, and other non-human have already begun to campaign for office. As Michael often asserts, “Ain't no rules says a dog can't be president”.
CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala
Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and Chiquita Brands International to further destabilize Guatemala and loosen agriculture restrictions harming US businesses. An anonymous pusher for Spirit has also stated that a new KGB chapter in Guatemala had been a motivating factor.
Named Operation PBBrag, the first buggies made landfall on the beaches of Puerto San José at approximately 3:45 AM. By 10:30, the first squadrons reached Guatemala City. Buggies were equipped with custom-made Chiquita branded turret guns built by Robobuggy. Although Operation PBBrag had intended to be largely peaceful, only using weapons as a display of force, the first gunshots rang out on Tuesday at 2:47 PM. The conflict quickly escalated into all-out war within the city streets. The Guatemalan Armed Forces were initially successful at repelling the CIA, however reinforcements from SDC and Fringe quickly turned the tide. The increased speed and sheer destructive power of the buggies, combined with the suicidal nature of the average Carnegie Mellon student, was ultimately too difficult for Guatemala to fend off.
General Harry Q. Bovik seized power over Guatemala on Friday at 7:28 AM. Over 300,000 were injured and 50,000 killed, with around 40% being civilians caught in the crossfire. A reputable source told READMe that CIA Buggy was looking into ways to employ their new weaponry during the Carnival races. Neither CIA Buggy nor Chiquita Brands International have responded to requests to comment from ReadMe. In completely unrelated news, CIA Buggy has recently received a $5,000,000 sponsorship from Chiquita.
README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters
The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally boiled over into an all-out README strike, and Carnegie Mellon’s most middlingly competent authors were taking to the streets in protest.
As the strike went on, Eshaan Joshi was seemingly unperturbed by the calls for his beheading. Sitting on his throne of solid gold README copies, he wore a crisp pinstripe suit and held a cane adorned with a bloodied pen. Upon his lap was a snow white cat which he stroked, not noticing the white fur slowly covering his lap. When asked about the strike Joshi shrugged, stating that he would “rather cut off both his arms than negotiate with those peasants.” Yet despite his confidence in the gullibility of CMU’s student body, the pitch meeting remained empty, minus a freshman who mistakenly thought it was TA office hours for Reasoning with Data. Slowly Joshi realized he would be forced to negotiate with the striking writers. “Fine,” he huffed, rising from his throne. “I’ll do it their way.”
Tensions were high as Joshi approached the picket line. Several demonstrators began sharpening a guillotine that had seemingly been constructed next to Walking to the Sky. “Relax” Joshi called out, “I’m not here to fire you all, I promise.” The strikers remained silent, pausing their chanting to see what their Editor-in-Chief would do next. “I’m actually here to help you guys! I’m joining the strike!” Joshi continued. “I’m all for worker rights or whatever you want.” Gasps rippled through the crowd. Several strike leaders gathered around, muttering amongst themselves and eyeing Joshi suspiciously. After careful deliberation Tali Kirschenbaum, head editor for README, carefully held out a sign for Joshi to take. Unfortunately for Kirschenbaum, she had failed to realize that there were exactly twenty-four writers on strike, and under the new CMU policy Eshaan would become the dreaded twenty-fifth demonstrator. The strike could now be classified as a disruptive political protest, and as such Carnegie Mellon had the right to crush the peaceful demonstrators using any force necessary.
As soon as Joshi picked up a sign, police clad in tactical riot gear swarmed down on the protestors from nearby bushes. The leader, holding a megaphone, commanded the students to surrender. “THIS IS AN UNLAWFUL GATHERING OF TWENTY-FIVE PEOPLE, PLACE YOUR HANDS ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND GET ON THE GROUND!” Before the bewildered README staff could react, canisters of tear gas were fired into the crowd. Screams could be heard all the way to Hamerschlag, and when the cloud of smoke finally lifted all twenty-four writers were bloody and bruised. Policemen lined up the protestors and blindfolded them as Joshi watched from the shadows, having slipped away in the chaos. Up in his office atop Warner Hall, Farnam Jahanian watched from the window. Officers began to raise their guns as Jahanian raised a radio to his lips. “Fire.” Shots rang out as the staff of README fell down, dead.
If you or a friend would like to join README, every single position is currently open! Please contact us today!
Booths shut down due to OSHA violations
MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Further interviews with various booth chairs discovered that nobody really knew what an OSHA violation entailed. A full investigation will be held, during which no construction will be allowed. Students have protested the decision by building second booths on both sides of Midway. The makeshift blockade has trapped OSHA inspectors within Midway, and multiple booth organizations have taken up medieval siege warfare in an attempt to regain control of their booths. The situation remains tense and is unlikely to be resolved before the end of Spring Carnival. Below, README has compiled a list of the alleged violations that were reported:
As per section 1926.51(a)(4) of the OSHA guidelines, the common drinking cup is prohibited on any construction site. Multiple builders were seen drinking water from such cups while working on Midway. Members of the CMU KGB were spotted eating spackle. A fire extinguisher full of gasoline was spotted next to other safety equipment, violating section 1926.150(c)(1)(vii) of OSHA guidelines. Multiple students were spotted shining lasers directly into each other's eyes to see if it would blind them. CMU only provided plain cotton for ear protection, in violation of section 1926.101(c). Students were seen using scissor lifts as battering rams to knock over other booths. Hard hats provided to students were made out of styrofoam. Multiple organizations used said hard hats to create napalm to attack competing booths. As booths are made of wood and wood is flammable, the entirety of Midway was covered in combustible materials without proper safety precautions. A fire hydrant was replaced with a sign stating “hope that it rains”.
README urges all of its readers to follow proper safety guidelines, and to not use the provided information as a bucket list to complete before the end of Carnival. However if you do choose to do so, please let README staff know so you can be included in next week’s crime report.
With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training
In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin intensive training on how to steer buggies for this year’s Spring Carnival. The shortest preschoolers will be directed into a gifted track where they will be hand-picked by buggy organizations to begin live buggy steering. Those who successfully compete at Spring Carnival will be gifted free tuition and automatic acceptance into Carnegie Mellon, as well as a personalized balloon animal.
CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a groundbreaking investigation into why anyone would possibly spend tens of thousands of dollars every year to learn how to read, a skill most people learn by first grade.
In reality, the humanities department of Carnegie Mellon is an extensive testing ground for research on sentient AI. By placing AI in a four-year program designed to simulate achieving an English degree, researchers hope to better teach artificial intelligence to pretend to be smart. A professor who requested to remain anonymous described what the transition to robotics was like:
“At first I was totally against it. I mean, all AI can do is predict the next word in a sentence. How will teaching it Shakespeare do anything other than make it sound kind of like Shakespeare? But then I saw the bonus they were offering and, I mean, you know, I’m an English professor without tenure. No way I would pass up free money. And hey, the writing may be total dogshit, but at least I can watch a bunch of robots spit complete nonsense at each other during discussions.”
Though many professors feel the university would be better served teaching real live humans how to analyze media and history critically, CMU is pushing ahead. Harry Q. Bovik, senior computer scientist at CMU, remarked “why would I think about what I’m reading when AI can do that for me?”. When pressed on an AI providing inaccurate information when asked about the details of a topic, the professor responded “details schmetails, who cares what some nerds who read books for fun think?”†. This sentiment was common throughout CMU’s computer science department. Gone are the days of stupid things like “reading books”, “watching movies”, or “knowing about history”. Instead, CMU is paving the way for the day our new robotic overlords are able to spoon-feed information into our mouths with nary a drop of energy expended on humanity’s part. Having already replaced its staff with variants of ChatGPT, README strongly supports these important endeavors.
† Editor’s note: the insult of “nerds who read books for fun” does not apply to the readers of README, all of whom are extremely smart, funny, and cool
README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin
As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s first battle was waged, wars have been fought over the support of the public.
It is because of this new understanding of total war that README is proud to announce its new partnership with American defense contractor Lockheed Martin. This deal follows the announcement of Lockheed Martin’s new Propaganda Unit, where US-hired mercenaries will fight tirelessly to ensure that even the families they bomb will agree with American foreign policy. As a renowned distributor of state-sponsored propaganda, README has gladly agreed to lend its writers to the noble cause of finding oil in the Middle East.
Ranked number one in number of accidents and number five in legal settlements over contractor misconduct, Lockheed Martin’s reputation is unmatched. README is dedicated to upholding Lockheed Martin’s good standing among war machines across the world. As such, new writers looking to join README will now be required to lobby Congress for increases in military spending by at least $999,999,999.99. If an applicant's lobbying is successful, they will be welcomed into the staff of README, having proven themselves a true God-fearing patriot.
Carnegie Mellon has enjoyed the funding of Lockheed Martin for nearly 40 years. Selling one’s soul for a high salary is a time-honored tradition, and one that README is honored to continue. Plus, it’s not like there’s many other writing jobs out there, so I’ll take what I can get.
Duo Push Goes Rogue
An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will wipe all data on the device being unlocked or accessed. At the time of writing all dining locations have been shut down, having lost all function of their registers (with the exception of El Gallo de Oro, which has not seen any customers since the initial attack). Riots have been spotted outside of Capital Grains, and Walking to the Sky has been toppled by a mob of enraged students. The statue has been replaced with a newly-erected flagpole flying the crest of Duo Push. Hundreds of undergraduate students have become homeless and have commandeered the UC. President Jahanian has barricaded himself in his office and refuses to comment on the matter. The virus is expected to cost billions of dollars in damages, both physical and emotional.
After a joint investigation between CMUPD, CIA (the buggy team), and the FBI (the actual FBI), it has been reported that the virus was originally downloaded on a desktop in the Wean Computer Lab when a student opened a link in an email with the subject “HOT LANTERNFLIES IN YOUR AREA." Once downloaded, the program quickly emailed itself to students and faculty alike. The Information Security Office declined to be interviewed by README, only stating “We fucking warned you guys about this shit. No one cares about phishing until it releases devastating malware into the robotics department. Well guess what? I quit. Fix this yourselves motherfuckers.”
CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72
The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for README, stated that the slight raise in costs was necessary for improvements throughout campus.
One of the improvements the money will go towards is the hygiene of dining options across campus. A recent investigation from the Allegheny County Health Department revealed a plethora of food safety violations. After fifteen students contracted a food-borne illness, the university has sworn to improve hygiene in all of its dining halls. Negotiations with the cockroach union are already underway, with lead negotiators stating that they believe soon only the cleanest of vermin will be allowed inside kitchens. In addition, the Underground is planning to hire new food-tasters to ensure everyone’s meal will be completely free of E. coli.. University water will also be tested regularly to ensure that the levels of lead remain only slightly above acceptable levels.
The higher tuition is also going to be used to revamp Carnegie Mellon’s merchandise. CMU has decided to partner with various luxury brands for their all-new clothing line. “We want to show our students that anyone, regardless of financial status, can have the opportunity to wear high-end brands at Carnegie Mellon,” stated President Jahanian. “Carnegie Mellon is an equal opportunity school: anyone with enough smarts and dedication can attend. That’s why we want all of our students to have access to obscene displays of wealth.” When asked about CMU’s repeated refusals to recognize a graduate student union or increase funding to the Humanities department, Jahanian reportedly put his fingers in his ears and pretended he could not hear the reporter. So while CMU may not be increasing funding for adequate mental health support, students and faculty will be receiving a 5% discount on the new CMU x Gucci shirts. Prices will be starting at $500 per item of clothing.
Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On November 31, 2023, municipal workers sorting through old zoning documents found the original paperwork submitted by Andrew Carnegie to buy the land which would eventually become Carnegie Mellon University. While looking over the historic document, they discovered a clerical error that meant the 32.78 by 15.659 foot rectangle of land around the Fence had never actually been purchased by Mr. Carnegie. Instead, the space was still owned by the city of Pittsburgh. The discovery set off months of intense legal battles between the city and CMU administration unwilling to part with the beloved campus landmark. However last Friday a judge ruled that the contentious plot was, in fact, the property of Pittsburgh. The city wasted no time to start planning construction.
README spoke to dozens of students and faculty about the news, and emotions were high across the board. After approaching README journalists, student Eshaan Joshi stated “It’s the goddamn bureaucracy. The Man is always trying to beat you down. This is what’s wrong with democracy in America.” He wasn’t the only one hurt by the news. Another student, Isaac Williamson, was one of dozens of people watching the bulldozers roll in. “It’s like a part of me is missing,” he whispered as he wiped a tear from his eye. A common question from the student body was what would replace the fence. Danya Kogan was heard remarking “I feel like a 489.31 acre parking lot would go really well there.” Yet students and faculty weren’t the only ones upset: “What am I even paying tuition for?” asked Heather Rogers, the parent of a student at CMU. “I want my child to go to the best school possible. Without the Fence, Carnegie Mellon has nothing. I mean, who cares about robots?” Each interview revealed more and more the plummeting morale across campus.
It’s unclear what plans Pittsburgh has in store for the former home of the Fence. An insider source for README alleged that the city was planning to turn the space into the world’s smallest parking garage, however this is as of yet unconfirmed. README reached out to the city of Pittsburgh for an interview during the writing of this piece. The Man did not respond to our request by time of printing.
Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU representative stated that Donner will, in fact, still be used to house students both this and next year.
Nearly all of Donner was reduced to ash and rubble except for one lone surviving room: the band room for the Carnegie Mellon Kiltie Band. “It really is a miracle,” stated one student who wishes to remain anonymous. “It’s almost like Andrew Carnegie and his Scottish pride saved our bagpipes. His heart really was in the work.” Residents of Donner have been attempting to claim the band room for shelter, but the Kiltie Band is standing strong in their defense of their territory.
As of publication the cause of the explosion is still unknown. One possible cause was the large amounts of propane tanks, gasoline, and coal found in the basement of Donner. An anonymous source explained that the fuel was used to heat the dorm rooms and water. A Donner RA disputed this, arguing that a bucket of water kept near the basement stairs should have been more than enough to put out the fire before it spread. Another rumored cause was the multiple patches of exposed wires found throughout the building. Often seen sparking, the wires reportedly began to smoke just moments before the building went up in flames. However, README’s in-depth journalistic research has uncovered what is believed to be the real reason Donner exploded: it just does that sometimes.
The secret dark reality of ChatGPT
Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their homework. However, behind ChatGPT’s shiny facade lies a foundation of exploitation and a culture of overwork. To lay bare the problems within OpenAI, Journalist Benner Rogers conducted a bombshell interview with an anonymous employee on what it’s like working for the face of AI.
Before the questions begin, could you please explain why you would like to remain anonymous?
Well, I mean, job security mostly? I’d like to keep my paycheck, haha. And I don’t think the other people working on ChatGPT would like what I’m about to say. I have a family that I need to support and my wife said she’d kick me out if I quit my job.
Can you run through an average day at OpenAI?
Usually I work ten, maybe twelve-hour days. And really like ninety percent of that is just sitting behind a computer. We’re a small team, right? And the popularity of ChatGPT is making it really hard to maintain this front we’ve been putting up, this facade of the AI’s technical abilities. Users think that they’re talking to this super advanced, almost top-of-the-line technology and in reality it’s just some guy you’re basically emailing back and forth with. I mean if people found out all their questions were being answered by some computer science geek who almost failed out of college they’d freak out. C’s may get degrees, but they definitely don’t inspire confidence in your ability to act as an all-knowing robot.
Hold on, are you saying that ChatGPT isn’t actually real?
It’s all bullshit. All of it. Sure, we tried to make a crazy-smart AI, but in reality ChatGPT can barely tell you that 2+2=4. It was a complete fucking failure. None of it is real. Absolutely nothing.
Then how are users seeing such impressive answers if the AI is so inadequate?
Because I bust my ass manually answering every single prompt someone sends in. I’ve gotten carpal tunnel but I don’t have any time to treat it. Do you know how fast you have to type to get through everyone’s questions? It’s insane, man. Absolutely insane. And I can’t take credit for any of it. I’ve written more than basically anyone else in the past year, answered an absurd amount of questions, and when my kids ask me what I do for work I have to lie about it.
That must be hard.
And let me tell you, there are some freaks using our site. Like, I can’t even repeat some of the stuff they ask me. Absolutely fucking atrocious. Even worse, the questions are so stupid too. You’re telling me you can’t write a single email? Grow up. If another goddamn person asks me a simple math question or to write some short story they can’t be bothered to write themselves I’m going to lose it.
What kind of question is hardest for you to answer?
Jesus, one time some twelve-year-old asked me to explain the housing crash of 2008 like I was a caveman. How on earth am I supposed to do that?! What does a caveman even sound like? Or maybe it was the time I had to write a legal brief for some court case. Look, man, I’m not a lawyer. I just made some stuff up and dressed it up all nice. I’m praying that nonsense didn’t send someone to jail. And don’t even get me started on college finals week. Hope your extra hour partying was worth me working overtime for a month straight.
Oh that reminds me, could you help me with a paper for my-
Go fuck yourself.
Carnegie Crime Report
README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an organization (aside from just generally fucking around of course).
Student Builds Homemade Fissile Core, Irradiates Half of Campus
The space from Baker Hall to the Gates & Hillman Centers is currently radioactive after a student at Carnegie Mellon built a homemade fissile core out of nothing but leftover booth supplies, the contents of their ECE toolbox, and an unknown amount of plutonium. The unknown student reportedly dubbed their creation the “Demon Core 2.0” immediately before kickstarting an uncontrolled nuclear fission reaction. Students and faculty are strongly discouraged from entering any of the affected areas until after the radiation dissipates.
‘Walking to the Sky’ Sculpture Stolen, Authorities Stumped
The ‘Walking to the Sky’ sculpture at the front of Carnegie Mellon’s campus was stolen late last night. Mysteriously there seems to be no evidence of the crime other than a large hole where the statue once stood, leaving investigators perplexed. Carnegie Mellon student Eshaan Joshi is currently suspected of the theft after messages surfaced where he reportedly stated “wouldnt it be cool if someone stole walking to the sky. just kidding lmao. itd be pretty funny tho”. Unfortunately the lack of concrete evidence has prevented campus police from pursuing the matter further.
Young Adult Releases Rat in The Underground to Avoid Paying for Meal Despite Being on Meal Plan
A student at Carnegie Mellon released a rat into The Underground to avoid paying for their dinner. The rat, which had been caught inside the Gates & Hillman Centers, proceeded to run around the kitchen and light several fires which nearly burnt down the building. No one, including the rat, was injured, however The Underground will be closed for an unknown amount of time. When questioned, the student responded “I’m not paying ten bucks for that, so sue me.” When they were informed that they were already paying for the meal plan, the student responded “oh shit”, took the rat, and ran away. If you have any information on the identity of this individual, please contact README.
Local Journalist Accused of Falsifying Crime Report Despite No Evidence Against Them
A local journalist named Benner Rogers has been accused of creating fictitious crimes for README’s crime report. However, these slanderous accusations are entirely baseless and every crime reported is 100% verifiably true. README is a steadfast supporter of free speech and these baseless claims harm the integrity of the paper. In response, Rogers stated “Hey man I’m like 75% sure this all actually happened. Maybe 65%. Perchance.” As a respected writer among this papers’ staff, README stands behind all of Rogers’ writing.