By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of people who like to think we’re funny, we have decided to look for loopholes in any rules we can find in order to participate in it all. Pedants that we are, we found section 6.9 (yes, actually. You can look it up.) of the Sweepstakes bylaws, which dictates buggy size:

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin intensive training on how to steer buggies for this year’s Spring Carnival. The shortest preschoolers will be directed into a gifted track where they will be hand-picked by buggy organizations to begin live buggy steering. Those who successfully compete at Spring Carnival will be gifted free tuition and automatic acceptance …

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to stop, because it’s so central to who we are as Tartans. It’s a miracle no one has yet died flying around the bends in Schenley Park in a fragile tube built by a couple of crusty nineteen­year­old MechEs. You could be the first!

2. Alcohol: self­-explanatory.

3. Falling …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a groundbreaking investigation into why anyone would possibly spend tens of thousands of dollars every year to learn how to read, a skill most people learn by first grade.

In reality, the humanities department of Carnegie Mellon is an extensive testing ground for research on sentient AI. By placing AI …

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to campus, I saw it with my own eyes. The SAE Lions were gone.

I knew this day would come, but I was not prepared. In our lives, we rely on our constant truths. I relied on the SAE Lions to welcome me to campus. They got me up in …

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of food poisoning on campus on April 1st, 2024”

We are unaware of which individual would provide you with such abhorrent misinformation.

“Readme likes to place banana peels all over campus so that people will slip and die”

We do not dabble in the realm of banana peels …

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations like that, I’ve decided to not do a Notes app apology or make a video apology or something–don’t have the energy for that. Instead, I’m outsourcing this week’s advice column to the world’s most renowned scientist, Dr. Et. Al!

AUNTIE README: Hello, it’s a pleasure to have you …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

By Mike Rophon • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, skewered to the Walking to the Sky monument and the autopsy found that this was the result of several misplays over the course of the preceding days. Now Auntie Readme's first and biggest mistake was getting stabbed 47 times. This happened in the early stages of the first quarter and …

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous issue to prepare it for publication, and upon investigation (which consisted of multiple sleepless nights fueled exclusively by Monster Energy during which we pored over every issue of every newspaper ever written), we discovered that every single one of our writers has lifted their content directly from the 16th issue …

By Phong • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up to element 118. This race, however, has slowed to a halt after the most recent discovery, element 117, tennessine, in 2009. In 2017, the director of Riken, Dr. Hideto En’yo, not only announced that the search for element 119 had begun, but that elements 119 and 120 would be discovered …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s first battle was waged, wars have been fought over the support of the public.

It is because of this new understanding of total war that README is proud to announce its new partnership with American defense contractor Lockheed Martin. This deal follows the announcement of Lockheed Martin’s new Propaganda …

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier scientist to educate you on ten things the high school curriculum certainly didn’t cover!

MYTH: Humans only use 10% of their brains.

FACT: Humans actually use 0% of their brains at any given time. We’re more bacteria than cell, and it is the bacterial hivemind that’s keeping the …

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and three-half turn long game. But in a nauseating turn of events, RandomBot blundered the king straight into the { x ∈ ℝ | 155 < x < 195 } file, losing immediately to a trivial capture by the rook. The future of rotchess isn't looking good for developer Wade Cheng …