By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried in the past- lashings, paternalistic brainwashing, foremen - which are certainly things university administrators should try, but may not be the most effective. This project found that the answer lies in the Yerkes-Dodson law, not external disincentives. The Yerkes Dodson law is a psychological theory stating that humans are most …

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided it was important to finally chart it. The journey was fraught with danger, with the narrow tunnels below the building constantly putting lives at risk. Upon reaching Carnegie's tomb, a grad student asked if they'd be paid overtime for the expedition, only to find that the entire area had been …

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not an attempt to phase out its talented staff of wordsmiths.

"We value our writers tremendously," a readMe spokesperson declared. "Their creativity, nuanced understanding of language, and ability to, uh, connect with readers on a deeply emotional level cannot be replicated by a machine. Rest assured, our esteemed writers are …

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, and even ended up interviewing both awake and asleep people to help us answer this very important question. What we found was that people who are awake spend their money on various goods and services², while people who are asleep spend virtually none³ (Or at least the sleeping people we …

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved bY our carnegie mellon FAMILY, Has fallen under rOugh timeS due To An onGoing strikE. readme’s wrIters, after previously beiNg conTent witHout pay or hEalth benefits, Decided that leading the glamOrous life of sweatsHop workERs was noT enough. in mY opinion, (which is unaffected By Any Standing thrEats) being coMpENsaTed …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is only the grey plod of Carnegie Mellon.

Meanwhile, it seems my entire writing staff has gone on strike, and personally, as a disciple of good ol' Andy C., I don't think there's anything that can be done except shutting down the entire organization. This will, in that case, be …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, which he refused to pay, while Mr. Joshi went on to buy avocado toast and gold plated toilets. The staff attempted to negotiate with their boss numerous times, and to each Mr. Joshi replied: “there is nothing to negotiate.” After at least 47 attempts to negotiate, the Amalgamated Satire Syndicate …

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their faith in their job security crumbles. Sure, much of the movie scripts and visual art produced by AI is inferior as they lack the elevated human touch of real art created by real artists, but it’s not like the corporations who would hire you give a shit. There is, however, …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally boiled over into an all-out README strike, and Carnegie Mellon’s most middlingly competent authors were taking to the streets in protest.

As the strike went on, Eshaan Joshi was seemingly unperturbed by the calls for his beheading. Sitting on his throne of solid gold README copies, he wore a …

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a nightmare,” one student said, “I can’t even do group work in the library without that purple bastard coming up and saying ‘One! Ah-ah-ah. Two! Ah-ah-ah.’ and counting the whole damn group. I’ve become so irritable lately from his counting that I’ve lost friends. His lavender ass needs to return to …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread in our time as an institution on this campus, and we hope you use it to blackmail as many of us as possible.

In other news, following a hectic week of classes, many readme staff members have dropped dead from exhaustion, overwork, and other CMU­-specific diseases. A new ChatGPT …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of this popular game. On Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024, a group of students were seen chasing each other on bicycles in front of Hamerschlag hall in the morning dew. I at first could not believe my eyes, no one was wearing any helmets, and when I questioned these young folks everything …

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This violent fever took down the Russian Empire in 1917, the Roman Empire in 476, and nearly toppled our great American Empire in the 1950s. If we do not purge our righteous organization of these 15 communist spies, it will certainly join other nations in a slow and painful death.

…

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

AY, AY! LOCAL MAGAZINE UNDER PFETA FIRE

Recently, a local CMU satire magazine has come under fire from PFETA, the slightly more radical version of PETA, for using the endangered aye­ayes to help write articles. When asked to comment, the editor­in­chief has denied all claims of any animals being …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in front of our eyes. While one may not hear anti­trans rhetoric from no one other than the schizophrenics putting up posters that "jews are kidnapping our eastern european Page 2 children" , people who worship today's political equivalent of a golden calf, and pickup truck owners, its spirit manifests in …

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its official re­opening, Scobell House will be closed or risk being repossessed by the Pennsylvanian government to be subsequently demolished.

According to CMU Housing Services, an anonymous student, who is in no way associated with the author of this article, alerted the Pennsylvania government that Scobell House was in violation …

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The police investigation is still ongoing as to whether he claimed the insurance, but from what is known it seems there are several clauses in readMe’s employment contract written in white font. One of these makes Eshaan the claimant of the signer’s life insurance. It seems that this then led him …