By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a new national holiday has been created to celebrate this occasion, where we have been guaranteed that every citizen WILL be joyous. I was informed the military will be working around the clock to enforce the festivities, so I am sure all of the strong and sexy soldiers of North Korea …

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with a publication named The Tartan, with RU's student publication also sharing this exact name. "Given our school's namesake, we would be remiss not to pursue legal action in the name of the great American spirit of enterprise and capitalism", explains the spokesperson.

Details for legal action against RU were …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which case you can enjoy Carnegie Mellon from the comfort of your own home, 24/7, on up to three different devices! This place has a long and storied history, as one of the first institutions of higher learning on this side of the Appalachians. From the Fence, first constructed in 1917 …

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to the school that spawned the monstrosity known as the Duolingo owl, has an inscription on one of its buildings suggesting that women should be responsible for “domestic pleasures” or whatever, and has had almost every one of its buildings flooded, and those of you who aren’t are beyond my help …

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of the biggest changes to this contract in Carnegie Mellon history. Read them (or don’t) here.” Below is a non-comprehensive list of the changes made:

Article 2, section 3 now states: “By attending Carnegie Mellon University, you agree to grant Carnegie Mellon University and all of its known affiliates full …

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such endeavors, each student is given a Lab Kit containing various electronic components, such as transistors, resistors, estradiol, and op-amp chips! After the semester ends, students get to keep the lab kits as long as they would like! This poses the question, what should you do with your kit when you …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth of interesting activities it gets to call its own. Adding to this proud list, a new sport has captured the hearts of CMU students and onlookers alike. Inverse Bungee Jumping, as the sport has been dubbed, involves strapping participants to a bungee cord anchored to the ground, and raising them …

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read this to catch up on all the terrible horrible things that have happened to our beloved CMU while you all were away.

WEB OF LIES In a shocking twist of events, a large crocheted web was erected over the main campus buildings. According to authorities, this web had been …

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What about IDs? Won’t we need to show you our IDs? I went through the trouble of making fake IDs in preparation for college life all for nothing?”, my overactive imagination envisions you, the reader, thinking. Obviously, we won't serve alcohol to partygoers if we see their IDs stating that they …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the weather, and the lack of sex on campus, several staffers found a small box in the basement of Hunt that included documents dating back to the first ever buggy race.

While Carnegie Mellon would like you to believe that Buggy was founded by a group of well meaning fraternity …

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, because whether you’re a freshman eager to escape your academic hazing for a weekend or a senior who wants to make the most of the rest of your time here, I have tips on several of Carnival’s tamer traditions!

Douse A Pre-Frosh

This carnival tradition involves finding tours …

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone except IS students, who aren’t allowed to spill the beans. If they do, they get hunted for sport by the ghosts of Andrew Carnegie’s uncles and uncles-in-law.

Our Booth is a totally immersive experience in which you get to pretend you are an impoverished employer working for us, the …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Further interviews with various booth chairs discovered that nobody really knew what an OSHA violation entailed. A full investigation will be held, during which no construction will be allowed. Students have protested the decision by building second booths on both sides of Midway. …