Benner Rogers

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s election in 1880. Michael’s triumph over his human opponents signals a radical shift in the US political landscape; with a record-breaking 1,674% voter turnout yesterday, it’s clear that the American public is tired of the contemporary political landscape they find themselves in. Below, ReadME has outlined some three major policies …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and Chiquita Brands International to further destabilize Guatemala and loosen agriculture restrictions harming US businesses. An anonymous pusher for Spirit has also stated that a new KGB chapter in Guatemala had been a motivating factor.

Named Operation PBBrag, the first buggies made landfall on the beaches of Puerto San José …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally boiled over into an all-out README strike, and Carnegie Mellon’s most middlingly competent authors were taking to the streets in protest.

As the strike went on, Eshaan Joshi was seemingly unperturbed by the calls for his beheading. Sitting on his throne of solid gold README copies, he wore a …