Benner Rogers
She/her
Staffwriter, Artist, Obligatory English Major
Literature and Culture, Russian Studies, DC '27
Bio
Yes, I am a real person. README'S number one and only journalist since 1984
Fun fact
I'm illiterate. Don't tell Eshaan, he hasn't noticed yet.
Location
Wean 5202
Contact
bennerr@andrew.cmu.edu
Latest
README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters
The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally boiled over into an all-out README strike, and Carnegie Mellon’s most middlingly competent authors were taking to the streets in protest.
As the strike went on, Eshaan Joshi was seemingly unperturbed by the calls for his beheading. Sitting on his throne of solid gold README copies, he wore a …
!["CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]](/media/vol2/issue0/images/cryingClub2_RRGP6T3.png)
!["CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]](/media/vol2/issue0/images/GraphicDesignClubAd_BpFs1M8.png)
!["Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]](/media/vol2/issue0/images/HaveYouSeenGeorge_ADSgaPM.png)
!["John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]](/media/vol2/issue0/images/notBidenAd_POM9DU9.png)
Booths shut down due to OSHA violations
MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Further interviews with various booth chairs discovered that nobody really knew what an OSHA violation entailed. A full investigation will be held, during which no construction will be allowed. Students have protested the decision by building second booths on both sides of Midway. …
With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training
In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin intensive training on how to steer buggies for this year’s Spring Carnival. The shortest preschoolers will be directed into a gifted track where they will be hand-picked by buggy organizations to begin live buggy steering. Those who successfully compete at Spring Carnival will be gifted free tuition and automatic acceptance …