By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator wasn’t crowded, so I got in and got to my class. Right outside the elevator on floor 5, the person who called the elevator I presume, was looking at their phone. They were so locked in that they didn’t realize the elevator had arrived, opened its doors, closed its doors, …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. However, in recent years the tool kits have not been sufficient. Complaints of the hefty weight of the toolkits have come from freshmen already burdened from carrying their 6-pound 17-inch gaming laptop to and from class. Recent complaints have also included that the tool kit is too small to store …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and under strict copyright protections. Until recently, even the state of Pennsylvania has taken such a restrictive view on licensing: driver's licenses, despite being easy to copy and modify, are placed under unnecessary and limiting restrictions.

CMU, as an institution for the promotion of knowledge, stands in opposition to anything …

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance past industry 5.0 and the 4th scientific paradigm (ever so edging toward stage 1 on the Kardashev scale), it becomes more evident that our technological advances are only a thin veneer hiding away the grotesque reality. Allow me to provide a very personal example, highlighting the dialectic of modern inclusivity.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon on film. Once closely analyzed, a CMU forensics team discovered that the plank was in fact being lifted, but by a 19 year old in camoflage, disguised perfectly against the CFA parking lot.

Further investigation revealed something shocking: CMU's own detachment of the Army ROTC had been building an …

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – the unique, insane school it is – has turned their plot completely on its head.

Texas Instruments professed just one reason for their calculators to completely stop their modification. TI calculators have long had a dedicated, passionate fanbase of programmers and hackers, modding and sharing detailed games and elaborate …

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and Wellness & Meaning-Making Programs and the Ampersand Support Group. In a shocking wave of terrible news, however, numerous upperclassmen have been found dead near the former UHS entrance, piled up like the lanternflies near Walking to the Sky. “I had a really bad cold, so I wanted to come to …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and Chiquita Brands International to further destabilize Guatemala and loosen agriculture restrictions harming US businesses. An anonymous pusher for Spirit has also stated that a new KGB chapter in Guatemala had been a motivating factor.

Named Operation PBBrag, the first buggies made landfall on the beaches of Puerto San José …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, we have the star of the beloved Christmas movie "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York." Despite the strong partisan contenders, we have decided to endorse an independent candidate: our very own Wean Hall.

Wean Hall, built in 1971, is a 9-story brutalist structure just off of the Mall. …

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were intrigued to discover what appeared to be a small whiteboard containing an answer to a programming assignment.

After closer inspection, the homework problems were determined to be from the 15-122 class, Principles of Imperative Computation. Fearing the horrific consequences of what was to come, CMUPD immediately declared a state …

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the most pro-palestine professors will be fired and their positions will not be replaced.

CMU’s contract with chartwells will also be nullified — say goodbye to true burger! We will have False Burger in it’s place — even lower quality food and even less staff.

Libraries will now be …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state of Carnegie-Mellon Republic (CMR) encompasses approximately 0.6 square kilometers, with a 4.8km border, soon to be secured with concrete walls with many bottle-cap-sized holes. Carnegie-Mellon is yet to establish diplomatic relations with any nations, minus one. Scotland has been receptive, and sent a bouquet of thistles to the CMR embassy …

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If one were to simply unpack the “arguments” of former president Abraham Lincoln, one would be disgusted to find an abundance of deceit and trickery littered throughout even the most mundane of speeches. Therefore, I will now proceed to reveal to you a small fragment of his chicanery by meticulously analyzing …

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 that “ Whoever knowingly aims the beam of a laser pointer at an aircraft shall be imprisoned for 5 years, or both“.

As we all sat for years, marinating in our pent up desires to blind a pilot, unhealthy habits emerged - heroin, crack cocaine, etc. Psychologists from Carnegie …

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the Pentagon expected the US public to still remember the massacre that took place 56 years ago. Although finding a replacement for this role was of utmost importance, one can not help but wonder if it was worth it to dedicate so much time and a part of the US military’s …

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out of crime material on campus.

Election Plinko Causes Confusion

Pittsburgh city officials were in a state of confusion when it was discovered that all electoral ballots were somehow replaced one to one with mini plinko machines. These plinko machines had the point values replaced with political parties. When …