By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 colonies and the mountainous geography of the region. While the North and South have largely moved into the same “accent group”, Southwestern Pennsylvania prides itself on being different. The way of speech here combines morphosyntactic structures from Scotch-Irish (My car needs warshed, as opposed to my car needs washing), and …

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to remain anonymous for official Association purposes (and not because this reporter forgot to take their name). The spokesman was quick to clarify, “This endeavour is completely legal. There is no rule prohibiting a Scotty dog from driving a buggy.” In response to criticism that a dog driving a buggy was …

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies hopes this new program will boost grades by as much as 69%, and contribute to "a more revealing understanding of academic success."

The workshop includes hands on demonstrations for how best to flirt with much older professors, as well as some wardrobe pieces provided free of charge from randomly …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I need. Despair set in as students with unfortunate registration times (me) panicked about getting graduation requirements. However, there need not be panic. There are many benefits to being on the waitlist, but it's fine as it is.

First, if you’re stressing about taking concepts and 15-122 in the same …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous for its strictness on academic integrity, do you think– [Iliano: Infamous?] –infamous, yeah [both chuckle] that's the word they used. Do you think that students are more likely to cheat in 122, or just more likely to get caught?

Maybe both? They are more likely to cheat because it's …

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically questionable and all. But since the end of the Cold War, those glory days have faded, and a once ambitious pursuit has been pacified.

Today, however, there twinkles in the Strontium and Zirconium-95 dust a glimmer of hope that physics may rise from those still-radioactive ashes. That rebirth may …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

The gist of MIT is pretty simple: it's basically a smaller, shittier CMU. With an undergraduate population of 4500 and a graduate population of 7300, it hasn't quite caught up to our Carnegie Tech, which boasts 7700 undergrads and 8600 graduate students. While CMU's historic campus spans a range …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. The email stated that booth was an art form in its own right, and as such had a “moral obligation and imperative to instill the correct morals in those who visit.” All booth themes will be resubmitted for secondary review. If a theme fails to meet the new requirements it …

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of dropping a 60-tonne boulder. Some have voiced their concerns, worrying that the giant boulder could crash through the roof and roll down the Gates spiral, leading to an impromptu and unwelcome reenactment of the Boulder scene from Indiana Jones. Others have stated that the experiment is unorthodox and unneeded, referencing …

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. The installation depicted the multiple paint layers on the Fence from 1993 to 2023. CMUPD and CMU administration are unsure of how the sculpture could have been stolen. Witnesses from the night of the attack deny ever seeing a suspicious person(s) near the sculpture. Students residing in Forbes Beeler did …

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but by indefatigable electricity and steel.

Unfortunately, at our own Carnegie Mellon University, residents have bought in so heavily to indefatigable electricity and steel that 98% of all elevator use on campus is used to traverse a single floor (Et Al and others, 2021). This causes wasteful energy consumption—as expensive …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU announced that it will begin construction on a new, shittier Donner. The new Donner, aptly named Downer will be constructed directly next to the current Donner, so Donner residents are reminded that it could always get worse.

A competition was hosted among the architecture students to design a building …

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s election in 1880. Michael’s triumph over his human opponents signals a radical shift in the US political landscape; with a record-breaking 1,674% voter turnout yesterday, it’s clear that the American public is tired of the contemporary political landscape they find themselves in. Below, ReadME has outlined some three major policies …

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small part due to our proud CMUPD. This past Monday, police successfully raided the Tech Street lemonade stands, run by the young children of the local daycare – another successful hit against the threats to our proud Scotties.

The lemonade stands, as described by the tangentially-involved Officer Jones, were taken …

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse character wearing gloves on campus grounds. When readme correspondence interviewed the two, they responded that the color and the gloves were the only similarities. In fact, their mouse wore a shirt and had whiskers unlike the Mouse himself. The Mouse is demanding $2.5 million in compensation and emotional damage. Only …