Read Me's Recipes from Last Night
The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka
The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.
The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• A shot of tequila with a depressed lime and salt spilled into the drink
• “Arriba, abajo, acentro, adentro”
The Wedding Crasher:
• Four shots of Tequila
• Two shots of Bailey’s
• Pepsi and Milk to Taste
• Four regrettable text messages
The Amnesty Call:
• Two …
Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop
PITTSBURGH, PA
(Whis L. Blower)
In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa Whis, what's up with the hostility right out of the gate? Aren't you supposed to be an unbiased arbiter of the truth?" to which I would say, yes, but I am also craving mediocre fried chicken. So I am jealous.
Further details have revealed that the Senate, through a …
Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch
It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. Whatever the circumstance, the sun has set and you feel like the steaming hot pile of garbage outside Donner. Naturally, the best solution is to call your parents, right? WRONG. And if you thought that for even a moment, then the only reason you should be anywhere near CMU is …
Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices
If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths of the CaPS offices and lived to tell the tale. I will give you one piece of advice: if you are ever brave enough to go back, it’s possible that you’ll never return.
As many know, the first floor of E-Tower is home to old counseling offices long left …
![An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"](/media/vol4/issue4/images/undercovercop_eczrIaF.webp)
I wrote this article while drunk
It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My dignity’s in the trash too. Anyways, my laptop screen is blindingly bright and my roommate’s just fallen asleep again. They woke up just to yell at me for arriving back at this unholy hour.
Why do I do this? Not because I’m an alcoholic. An alcoholic could never sustain …
I wrote this article while sober
We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. Play some some tetris. All the blocks fit in together. So perfect. The line, it disappeared. Why? Why did it go? Awayyy. The lights are too bright. Like life. Psshhh. I’m a coward.
President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be
This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most important speech.
“I’m here today to warn you about the impending military industrial complex,” the president said solemnly. “It’s gonna be fucking lit, so be prepared for the levels of unprecedented awsomeness some of y'all youngins will see in your lifetime.”
The military industrial complex, or MIC (not …
My mommy says I can't go to war
My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.
My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in war.
My mommy said I can’t drive the tank.
My mommy said I can’t have a gun.
My mommy said I can’t die on the battlefield in a drawn out war for my country.
So no Mr. Recruiter, I will not give you my name.
Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review
I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.
I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very Hungry Caterpillar (rainbow foods? Wow). To prevent further contaminating the minds of my three-year-old triplets, Kelly, Ann, and Kelly Ann, I quickly sought to review the rest of their bookshelf to make sure everything was consistent with the teachings of the Bible. All I found was blasphemy. Harold and the …
The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding
As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office is said to follow.
After several Tartan war correspondents were parachuted into various global conflicts, tragedy arose. The first wave was killed almost immediately by snipers, indirect artillery fire, and trench foot. Editor-in-chief Arden Ryan promised several weeks later to address the situation through the proper channels set up …
Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled
It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable forced laser cutting perpetrated by the two members of the Donner house, or the various chemical burns perpetrated by Mudge? Certainly not the individuals from E Tower, who retaliated with an attempted poisoning with an unlabeled powder that ended up being table salt. But the most dramatic part was when …
![A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"](/media/vol4/issue3/images/walktoskysexy_Wl0KjRf.png)
CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds
The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.
“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, BAE Systems. Ten rounds of interviews, some of them. So I just got fed up and wondered, well, what can I do to give myself that competitive edge, you know? Beat out the applications with really high GPAs or good jawlines. And it just came to me.”
…War flashbacks to now include midroll ads
There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it instead as potential for new business opportunities. Now, neuroscientists and marketers are finding ways to take advantage of the ad space created by these veterans’ grief stricken war memories.
Take Cody Daniels: He served two tours in Afghanistan and now suffers from post traumatic stress disorder. Several weeks ago, …
![[TODO]](/media/vol4/issue3/images/giantkandahar_R8fOxcX.png)
Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall
After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by Carnegie Mellon for use by the Heinz College of Information Systems and Public Policy and renamed to Hamburg Hall. This may have seemed like an acceptable name at first, but a mere 41 years later it has become clear that Cheeseburg Hall is much more fitting. ReadMe conducted street interviews …
How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot
Dear Reader,
I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie Mellon University, but I thought all my problems were solved when I met Nicky.
Reader, Nicky is beautiful, a dumb blonde with nothing going on in her head. She replies “lol” to all the nerdy jokes I send her. She doesn’t seem to have any interest in the ethics …
Beloved Football Chants At CMU
The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. Nothing is a better example of our school spirit.
Mrs. Gerlach’s cheer!
Go, go! Maim em’, maim em’!
Go, go, go, maim em’ maim em’
Rip off their legs! [Clap x3]
Rip off their legs! [Clap x3]
Why this chant was named after the beloved old …
Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut
In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it will house one ICBM, with more to be stored in the Stever basement. Its purpose is currently unknown, but experts conjecture that likely targets include the Tartan Express Food Truck and Warner Hall, and the political power gained from the nuclear arsenal may be leveraged for improved aerospace facilities. Lockheed …