By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while I sleep
An older brother (the bane of many people’s [mine included] existences)
A United Airlines staff member (if Carnival is overfilled)
A human trafficker (if, unlike me, you have strength or sex appeal)
Your stalker
A smooth criminal
That friendly guy you know whose name you feel guilty for …

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring schtick of screaming “FIRE” or yelling at hungover people through a megaphone. Not to worry, for the past thousand years I have been honing myself in the art doing a little trolling. So, let me tell you some of my favorite gags and gaffs to pull at Carnival.

First …

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by Zampanò’s Literature club. During the structural check, it was discovered that the booth was a quarter inch bigger on the inside when compared to the outside.

ZLC’s booth, themed after the hit documentary The Navidson Record, seemed laughably simple upon first glance. The walls are painted pitch black and …

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in thinking it was gonna be the usual. No natural lighting, no furniture, and one of those heaters that sounds like the Bombing of Dresden,” Novak recalled, still visibly shaken. “But then…I saw them…”

Novak, who pays $2,700 a month for a 100-square-foot apartment on the Lower East Side, was …

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who peaked in university.

1. Are they a grad student?

Grad students are just people who peaked so hard in college they’re spending a few hundred grand to avoid leaving. Instead of building new lives, starting families, growing savings, they are just doing the one thing they know best: …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for weeks. While students and faculty are mourning the loss of several upstanding members of the CMU community, they're also relieved to have an answer as to why so many delays occurred during preparations for Booth. "SCC was so slow to put out the form for booth chairs," one student stated …

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally all of the important deadlines (it’s hard to keep track with the time zones) or their cowardliness in the face of rain. SCC only gets about 17 inches of rain per year, in comparison to Pittsburgh’s 43.

As the building of booths on Midway continued, Readme checked up on …

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In Headlights capacity. Looking for committed actors, authentic anxious wrecks, to maintain SDC external reputation. Build secret sharers will be BOOTED, protectors HANDSOMELY REWARDED. Apply direct: prepare lip-quiver for inspection.

FIELD TRAINING – Splendid opportunities to train youths in ag. trade of hay growing, cutting, baling. Short training; constant vacancies; …

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate tradition generation. Buggy racing, a sport originating from gilded-age fraternity brothers drunkenly racing each other down hills in buggies (Western Pennsylvania English for “shopping cart”), is probably the most well known tradition originating from this campus. However, there are many more that aren’t as well known: Painting the fence, “Gazorching,” …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first Michelin star.

The premiere dining experience on CMU’s campus is Schatz dining hall. We recommend alumni enjoy a delightful supper. However, be aware that the dress code is strictly enforced, and anything less than a suit will get you evicted from the premises. They didn’t pay for 2nd-floor window …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact based, objective review.

The course has two instructors, both appear to be super-super-super-super-seniors. It is concerning that StuCo allows instructors to teach when they clearly are unable to graduate from CMU in a timely manner. Furthermore, the course seems to have a third instructor in the form of a …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that this university survived another century, and for that, he deserved to be our first S tier president.

Thomas S. Baker (1922–1935): CMU's official website describes Mr. Baker as "giving Carnegie Tech a chance to breath," a typo which is ironic in light of Baker Hall's close connection with CMU's …

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to find out.

Au Bon Pain

Need to drown your Pain? Check out ABP's "signature cocktails," a new set of menu additions! Our reviewers found it confusing to order on a block, and the wait was long, but the drinks had unique spins and good flavor. We particularly liked …

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As such, there’s been much talk down in Washington about returning to our roots by colonizing and annexing another country. With our president eyeing such tantalizing targets as Greenland, Canada, and Gaza, our staff have combed through all 195 countries, give or take and picked out choice countries to storm by …