Dr. Et Al.
Staffwriter, Science Correspondent
Everything, Everything
Bio
I have a PhD in every possible field, and am proudly tenured here at Carnegie Mellon University.
Fun Fact
Memento Mori
Previous Work
STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh
Abstract
While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This study was designed to determine whether the same is true for STIs.
Methods
Test subjects were recruited using two methods. One group (Group 1) was invited to participate in a study investigating varying taste and texture across different types of unseasoned meat, cooked and raw. Participants were assured the raw meat was handled carefully to keep from being contaminated, although they had to sign a waiver indemnifying this research institution and all researchers from any diseases contracted during the experiment. The other group (Group 2) was called upon to donate small amounts of tissue for research purposes. These participants were compensated large amounts of money.
Each individual in both groups was tested for STIs in the genital area, rectum, and mouth. Those in Group 1 who were found to have an STI were removed from the experiment. Group 2 was put under full anesthesia, and tissue was surgically removed either from the genital area or from another randomized part of the body such as the calf or the shoulder. Tissue from both regions was randomly designated as either raw or cooked. It was also labeled as to whether an STI-carrying donor had only an infection or whether it had developed into a disease and which STI the donor carried.
As a control group, each piece of tissue from individuals without STIs was fed to one of the remaining Group 1 participants. Each piece of tissue from individuals with STIs was fed to other Group 1 participants. As stated above, half of the tissues were cooked and half Join our Discord were uncooked. Group 1 participants were asked to eat their entire portion and describe its taste and texture qualitatively as well as rate its overall deliciousness on a scale of 1 to 5. Although these questions were necessary only to hide the true purpose of the experiment from participants, out of curiosity, the results were recorded as well. Group 1 participants were asked to come back every month for a period of six months for some follow-up testing. They were not informed that researchers were testing to see if they had contracted STIs.
Results
Group 1 participants in the control group, as expected, contracted very few STIs over the time they were tested. It is suspected that any STIs they did gain were not due to the tissue they consumed. Out of the Group 1 participants who consumed raw tissue, most contracted STIs whether the tissue was from the genital area or not and whether or not the infection had turned into a disease. For those who consumed cooked tissue, several contracted STIs. It remains to be seen whether these infections were from the experiment.
Conclusion
It is not recommended to eat the flesh of someone with an STI, although there might be a lesser risk if the meat is cooked first. All cannibals are encouraged to exercise caution when choosing a meal. Many fellow researchers are concerned that this experiment did not give subjects the opportunity to provide informed consent, especially since several members of Group 2 have sued the institution for their loss of a testicle, finger, or other discrete body part. Fortunately, we expect no one from Group 1 to sue until the publication of this paper, in which case we would like to preemptively dismiss such lawsuits due to the waiver they signed, even if they believed the disease they might be put in danger of getting was salmonella. We invite anyone concerned about our research methods to replicate our experiment, preferably with a larger sample size and a more controlled environment.
Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming
Abstract
Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the conditions required for the promotion of mold growth are already present in a dorm room. The main deficiency, however, is adequate moisture. Hence, most of this study focused on increasing the moisture content of a standard dorm room. Multiple methods were tested for increasing the moisture content of a dorm room such as clogging air vents with chewing gum, stealing water vapor from showers, and utilizing air humidifiers. Our study succeeded in finding optimal mold growth conditions, and as a matter of fact, all the surfaces were covered in mold.
Methods
All conditions necessary for black mold growth are naturally present in dorm rooms at Carnegie Mellon University with the exception of sufficient moisture. Hence, this study focused specifically on increasing the moisture content of a dorm room. A common method in which standard building codes deal with moisture content in rooms is by mandating proper ventilation. Such requirements go against the needs of mold farmers and must consequently be disabled. In this study, every dorm room was broken into via air vent to confirm the presence of an air vent – with 100% confidence, each room had one. In order to create optimal moisture conditions for mold growth, chewing gum was used to clog air vents, resulting in a 237% increase in air moisture.
The moisture content observed in the experimental room was sufficient for black mold growth, but not optimal. More moisture was necessary from external sources. Many dorm rooms are directly connected to bathrooms, which are a major source of moisture, especially during a shower. In such dorm rooms, the door separating the dorm room and bathroom can just be left open when showering to increase moisture even further. If such an arrangement is not present, putting a shit ton of air humidifiers in your room might work. The maximum moisture content we managed to achieve in this study was 507% the moisture content of the original. This was sufficient moisture for ideal black mold growth. In fact, black mold ended up covering all open surfaces in the dorm room, and by our metrics, this study was beyond successful. The scientific and medical outcomes for this will be phenomenal. Absolutely tremendous.
Conclusion
Dorm-based black mold cultivation is a promising field with many potential benefits to tomfoolery and accidentally killing your roommate with significant fungal allergies. This study also serves as a great jumping-off point for future research regarding other types of fungal cultivation in a dorm room. We believe that this study will empower students to become hobbyist mycologists who might go on to solve the ever pressing issue plaguing Carnegie Mellon’s Campus: It is well known that CMU has a drug problem – where are all the drugs?
Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU
Introduction
When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but by indefatigable electricity and steel.
Unfortunately, at our own Carnegie Mellon University, residents have bought in so heavily to indefatigable electricity and steel that 98% of all elevator use on campus is used to traverse a single floor (Et Al and others, 2021). This causes wasteful energy consumption—as expensive as maintaining the Orientation Tent when compared by the day on non-summer school days (Et Al and the other others, 2020)—and aggravated foot-tapping of the 58% of people taking the elevator from Wean 4 to Wean 8 who somehow end up stopping on every intermediate floor (Et Al et al., 2018). As a correlational effect, students are noticed to be starved of exercise (Etward Alabama, 2019). But most importantly of all, the stairs are quite sad (Ed Allen, 2012).
We have developed a new methodology that is projected to influence these metrics positively by orders of magnitude. After describing our methods and their tested benefits, we will discuss potential counterarguments regarding this procedure.
Methods and Results
This study introduces a new type of elevator, currently installed in Wean. When a user inputs a commute of one floor, a secret door opens opposite the main elevator entrance. Thwarted in their attempts to circumvent exercise, and presented with a quick, easy, and free alternative, we found that after a trial period of one week, 87% of users faced with the open stairwell opted to use it for their one-floor trip instead of waiting for the elevator to slowly close and proceed to the rest of its destination queue. We find it interesting to mention that a large majority of the remaining users took the elevator up two floors, then took the stairs down: a less effortful endeavor compared to ascending outright, at the cost of time.
Overall, we have found a 500% increase in stair usage, a major success, and will likely reproduce our experiment in elevators campus-wide in future work.
Discussion
We conclude with some common perceived pain points we received during user interviews.
“Why do this? Just add one more lane, one more lane will fix traffic flow this time.”
While, at the surface level, a traffic clog in the Wean staircase between classes may seem to cause students to use the elevator as an alternative, we found that this was not the case. Students who use the stairs for one route practically always use the stairs, even during traffic congestion; similar patterns are true for elevator users. Maybe you would find some better luck applying this idea to our highway system.
“You still use O(n) energy.” What does this even mean? You should always define n, unless the term’s meaning is heavily implied (and even then, if you’re completing your latest 15122 written). Are you saying that we have exchanged one energy expense per one-floor elevator travel and opening for one energy expense per secret passageway opening? In that case, remember that in the real world, constant factors do matter; the power used to open doors close doors, increment a floor, open doors, and close doors is much more than simply opening and closing a set of doors.
“I use a wheelchair, suffer from a mobility impairment, am carrying a heavy object, etc.”
Just take the elevators up three floors and down two. There’s a small enough minority of you all that you can use the elevators in a more expensive way while not impacting the overall energy use significantly. Call that amortization, or something.
Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity
From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried in the past- lashings, paternalistic brainwashing, foremen - which are certainly things university administrators should try, but may not be the most effective. This project found that the answer lies in the Yerkes-Dodson law, not external disincentives. The Yerkes Dodson law is a psychological theory stating that humans are most productive at their given “optimal arousal state” - i.e. a mental state somewhere between underwhelmed and overwhelmed. By shifting this state rightwards, students will be able to undertake more stress and therefore be more productive than they currently are under present CMU workloads. While this study did not manage to discover a method for causing this rightward shift, we identify the need for such by comparing the effectiveness of other productivity-increasing methods in past literature.
An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People
In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, and even ended up interviewing both awake and asleep people to help us answer this very important question. What we found was that people who are awake spend their money on various goods and services², while people who are asleep spend virtually none³ (Or at least the sleeping people we interviewed refused to answer). This is because they are sleeping, and we cannot possibly stress how notably not-awake they are. Literature shows a strong correlation between spending money and declaring financial bankrupcy⁴ (Of course financial fraud exists and you can spend all of your friend’s money if you wanted to, but that does not count as them consciously choosing to gamble their savings away). Hence, we conclude that "going woke" makes one more likely to "go broke".
———
1: I’m not racist, but I hate minorities, Tucker Carlson, 2023
2: We made up this thing called money, Su Merriam, 5000 BC
3: Money-spending statistics of REM-stage sleepers, Austin S. Leep, 2018
4: If you spend money the total amount you have goes down, Spendjamin Currencer, 2012
5-Minute Crafts: ECE!
Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such endeavors, each student is given a Lab Kit containing various electronic components, such as transistors, resistors, estradiol, and op-amp chips! After the semester ends, students get to keep the lab kits as long as they would like! This poses the question, what should you do with your kit when you are no longer grinding out labs? You could donate it to the CMU robotics club, which will welcome more electronic components to their collection, or, you could build the following fun projects!
1) Car bomb (our legal counsel advised me to mention that this is in Minecraft!) 2) Missile drone that targets endangered species 3) Radio signal jammer 4) Bread teleporter 5) Vision canceling goggles 6) Missile drone that targets essential roadway infrastructure 7) Chess-solving buttplug 8) Missile drone that targets actual people what the fuck is wrong with you 9) Did you just glaze over 8 what the fuck is wrong with you :( 10) 4 bit adder
Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen
Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to the school that spawned the monstrosity known as the Duolingo owl, has an inscription on one of its buildings suggesting that women should be responsible for “domestic pleasures” or whatever, and has had almost every one of its buildings flooded, and those of you who aren’t are beyond my help anyways. So, without further ado, I will use my vast year of wisdom to answer REAL questions REAL freshmen have asked.
Where can I get a fake ID?
For best results, you should probably hit up the CMU Police—they’ve probably seen a lot of them in their day and likely have an entire archive of confiscated ones, so they’re likely at the cutting edge of how to make one look extra convincing! If you choose to go a freelancer and find that you’ve gotten scammed with a bad fake ID, you should immediately call CMUPD, explain your situation to them, and see if they can issue you a new one.
How do I get into Jane Street?
Legend has it that sometimes, if you’re walking home from a long day at Gates, frustrated by the seeming uselessness of computer science, a stray poodle may lead you to the crossroads where the Mall meets the Pausch Bridge. Oh, don’t be afraid! Little known fact, this poodle is a Jane Street recruiter. Unless you can successfully compress all fifty states into a 5x5 grid, or perhaps create a more optimal solution for the Enigma, he’ll disappear into the night. This will leave you with no more chances to be hired, and no more job prospects.
Heed this word of warning, though. One doesn’t realize that part of the “working for Jane Street” bargain means that you can’t ever feel a single moment of bliss and job satisfaction. Unfortunately, those who do forfeit their souls. Given souls will be immediately possessed by the recruiter and put to work continuing to make real-time market valuations.
(Haha, your Jane Street test has already begun. This advice is a puzzle!)
Best ways to fuck with my roommates?
Start by putting one grain of sand on the floor. For every day that passes, double the number of sand grains on the floor—two for the second day, four for the third, etc. This should remain undetected for the first few weeks or so.
Eventually, your roommates may see trails of sand on the ground, and start to have some questions. If you’re lucky, and you’ve cultivated your Bay Area persona well enough, they may dismiss this as a natural part of growing up near a beach. They will be unprepared for the day that sand leaks from the closets and under beds and out of drawers and pushes them out of the room entirely.
How to deal with bad professors?
Find their most groundbreaking/notable/cited paper, or their dissertation for grad school or whatever. Write one proposing the same ideas. Backdate it to exactly one year before they published theirs (yes, this may be before you were born. If questioned about it, say that you were just a really precocious child). Bring forth charges of plagiarism and watch as they are pushed out in academic disgrace.
If that fails, I may have an idea about a lecture hall and some bags of sand...
Where’s the best place to secretly drink?
If you’re a School of Computer Science student who wants to keep other SCS students from finding out about your emerging alcoholism, you should try Baker-Porter, or any other humanities building, or really anything that’s outside the Gates/Newell-Simon/Wean triangle. I guarantee they won’t be able to find it.
How do I transfer to MIT?
Now that is an iconically Tartan question! Props for already embracing one of the iconic CMU mottos— “my heart is in the work”, “everyone at this school is better than me and I’m an imposter”, and “why did MIT have to reject me?” are words we live by around here. Now you’re really getting into the Carnegie Mellon spirit!
Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al
After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations like that, I’ve decided to not do a Notes app apology or make a video apology or something–don’t have the energy for that. Instead, I’m outsourcing this week’s advice column to the world’s most renowned scientist, Dr. Et. Al!
AUNTIE README: Hello, it’s a pleasure to have you with us, Dr. Et. Al! We at ReadMe-
DR. ET. AL: Etward, actually.
AUNTIE README: What.
DR. ET. AL: Etward Alabama in less formal settings, please. Et. Al is so dry and stuffy, and I really only use it to gain respect in academic publications.
AUNTIE README: Sure, then. Etward-
DR. ET. AL: Doctor Etward, please. I worked hard for my PhD in every conceivable field.
AUNTIE README: O….kay then! Dr. Alabama, I’m sure ReadMe wants to know more about the scientist behind such respected studies as “The psychology of esports players’ ELO Hell: Motivated bias in League of Legends and its impact on players’ overestimation of skill” and “Will Any Crap We Put into Graphene Increase Its Electrocatalytic Effect?” Let’s start by getting to know you a little better. You’re based at CMU, do you have a favorite place you like to go to work?
DR. ET. AL: On nice days, I’ll jot down a few of my ideas sitting underneath Walking to the Sky. That statue reminds me that anything is possible, given hard work [inaudible] and the overworked PhD students and undergraduates I roped into my lab.
AUNTIE README: Could you repeat the last bit? I didn’t quite catch that.
DR. ET. AL: Don’t worry about it.
AUNTIE README: Okay, next question! You do lots of math! Got a favorite number?
DR. ET. AL: Hm. 46 is nice. It’s how many people I’ve gotten to stop disagreeing with me since I started publishing. Depending on when this gets published, it could jump to 47 or even 48–who knows what the future holds?
AUNTIE README: A number of great personal significance, then. That reminds me! Surely while making such a large swath of claims in the academic world, you face any number of people who disagree with your studies or have contradictory results. How do you politely respond to them?
DR. ET. AL: Knives are pretty great. You can use them to get up close and personal when disagreeing with people, and you don’t even have to break eye contact! Can’t stand the sort of passive-aggressive bickering-through-abstracts-and-paper-titles that goes on in modern academics. If knives don’t work well enough, I go for inflicting blunt-force trauma.
DR. ET. AL: Besides, who knows if the poor fools aren’t being pressured by research universities to falsify data, anyways? Maybe they tactically decide to criticize me because they know my results–unlike their bodies….of work! Are bulletproof, and it’s better to spread misinformation that goes nowhere than misinformation that goes somewhere. Sometimes when you’re faced with publish or perish, you just gotta perish, you know? No shame in that! Academia isn’t for everyone, and a good colleague is always willing to push people to recognize where their true strengths lie. And sometimes their true strengths lie six feet under.
AUNTIE README: What an…incisive…metaphor! Truly, not everyone can stand the toxic culture in academia, and sometimes you’ve got to be honest with people about that, you know? Push them towards being happy in industry, able to sleep like the dead for eight good hours, instead of struggling through yet another round of peer review. It’s needed sometimes, even if the blunt force of your statements feel like being stabbed. This is why I admire you so much, Dr. Etward–clearly, you possess a lot of grace and tact.
AUNTIE README: That brings me to my next question, actually. You’ve had the most papers retracted out of any scientist in history. As a discredited advice columnist, I have to ask–how do you take being wrong so many times with such grace?
[The interview was then abruptly and unexpectedly terminated.]
Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School
While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier scientist to educate you on ten things the high school curriculum certainly didn’t cover!
MYTH: Humans only use 10% of their brains.
FACT: Humans actually use 0% of their brains at any given time. We’re more bacteria than cell, and it is the bacterial hivemind that’s keeping the lights on up there.
MYTH: Humans need oxygen to breathe.
FACT: Nope! You really ought to have some more trust in our bacterial overlords. Next time you’re bored, simply stop breathing and let them take over. They’ve got this.
MYTH: The Sun is the center of our solar system.
FACT: Pluto is now the center of our solar system. Following Pluto’s demotion to dwarf planet and subsequent lawsuit in interstellar court for emotional damages, scientists have been forced to reject both geocentric and heliocentric theory and support the new Plutocentric theory of the solar system.
MYTH: Camels store water in their humps.
FACT: Camels store dark matter in their humps. That’s why astrophysicists haven’t been able to explain where it’s all hiding, and the origin of the phrase “the straw that broke the camel’s back”--imagine how you would feel if you were carrying all of the universe’s mysterious unexplained mass on your back and someone asked you to carry their drink for them.
MYTH: Fire is hot.
FACT: This one deserves credit for being partially true, but it’s not because of any energy being released or chemical reactions or anything, but rather because the subatomic bees that make up everything are rubbing really hard against the hot thing to generate heat for it. Thank your local subatomic bees the next time you take a nice sip of coffee or pop something in their hives (microwaves).
MYTH: The Earth has seasons as a result of how close it is to the sun. FACT: The Earth has seasons as a result of the subatomic heat bees’ schedules. During summer, they’re called to train a new batch of subatomic bees, and this increase in numbers is why it’s so hot. All of their vacation days fall during winter, which is why it’s so cold.
MYTH: There are 50 states in the U.S.
FACT: There are actually 49– “New York” was invented in 2018 for Into the Spiderverse, so all of the Spidermen could have a place to look really cool while slinging webs between buildings.
MYTH: Your hair and nails will continue to grow after you die.
FACT: At the time this myth was coined, the Tooth Fairy had cornered the market on collecting human body parts. After government regulation, the Hair Fairy and Nail Fairy have emerged as clear industry leaders, so don’t worry–if you die, you can fully expect your fare across the River Styx to be paid for by the two.
MYTH: The universe is expanding.
FACT: A few days ago, particles at the edge of the expanding universe saw what was still beyond and have been flying back towards the universe’s center at full speed. No one quite knows what they saw, but the universe is decidedly contracting and running away from whatever it is now.
MYTH: Bats are blind.
FACT: To give this one credit, bats are blind, but not for the reason you would expect. It’s not because they “live in dark caves where vision isn’t as necessary” or any of that nonsense. It’s because a long time ago, when bats were in charge of fulfilling the universe’s expansionary Manifest Destiny policy, they too saw something at the edge and promptly went blind from the horror. Maybe if we take good care of our planet, we, too, can live to see this incomprehensible horror!
Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department
In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and others at Carnegie Mellon University, came the closest to answering the age-old question of how to alter the fabric of contingency. The previous methods employed by the engineers in earlier studies involved fiddling with various criteria of the apparatuses that make up the bigger picture of the whatchamacallit. What our study did differently, however, was conducting various structural tests to figure out the glass transition temperatures of the gubbins, which are a central component of contingency-altering gizmos. Our widget ended up passing the Turing-Completeness test, and we conclude that our design is very human.
A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors
1. Introduction
Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after a brief countdown. These hand gestures represent a rock, paper, or a pair of scissors, respectively (some variants also allow for other objects, such as guns. However, we will only be considering the usage of actual guns to gain a tactical advantage). Rock beats scissors by denting them, scissors beats paper by cutting it, and paper beats rock by wrapping itself around the rock. Oftentimes, competitive games of RPS take the form of best-of-three matches, though quick one-of matches are commonplace when it is necessary to decide a “winner” of something between two people, and a coin-flip isn’t an option.
Given the nature of the game, one might prematurely assume that winning a match of RPS is no different to winning a coin flip. It is seemingly impossible to anticipate the move of your opponent and develop a counter strategy, as it is usually equally likely that your opponent has actually chosen the perfect counter strategy to your counter strategy, resulting in an impasse. This is the pitfall that many new, and even experienced players of RPS face. This paper highlights a new strategy, guaranteeing victory in a match of RPS once the prerequisites are satisfied, which is accessible to even those new to the deceptively simple game of RPS.
The authors hold no responsibility for the possible ramifications of following the strategy outlined in this paper, possible ramifications including: loss of friendships, imprisonment, death, and in extreme cases, losing your game of RPS.
2. Important Definitions
Before detailing the strategy, it is important to define a handful of other terms that will be referenced throughout the strategy guide, as some of these terms may initially be unfamiliar to those who are only familiar with the game of RPS, and nothing else.
2.1 Associate
An item or living being is an associate of somebody if there is a close relationship from this “somebody” to the item or living being in question. This relationship need not be reciprocated. Using John Doe as an example, some associates of his may include:
- His wife, Jane Doe. They were high school sweethearts, she being captain of the cheer team, and John the charming and well-liked quarterback of the American football team. Despite the fact that Jane’s opinion of John has diminished ever since she had to quit college to move across the country with John, John’s continued perception of Jane as being “better than nothing” qualifies Jane as an associate of John.
- His drinking buddy, Giles Corey. They became fast friends in college, and continued their relationship despite John’s sudden move across the country due to the ailing health of his parents, as Giles happened to live in the same area. The locals regard them as partners in crime due to their raucous behavior when intoxicated. Because most nights, John spends his time with Giles rather than with his wife Jane, Giles is considered an associate of John.
- His childhood hamster, Jeremy. Even though Jeremy has long since been deceased, Jeremy was the only other (formerly) living being that John would proclaim he loved unconditionally, the one other living being the aforementioned Giles Corey. Oftentimes, deceased individuals would not qualify as associates, however, because John would likely be incredibly shocked at the sight of Jeremy’s remains, Jeremy is considered an associate of John’s.
2.2 Intimidation
While the feeling of being intimidated is a primal emotion that many of us have had the misfortune of feeling, seldom do people get the opportunity to be the ones intimidating. Intimidation is any series of actions, or any one solitary action, that makes the target(s) feel intimidated. Continuing to use the example of John Doe, examples of intimidation include:
- Holding Jane Doe, John Doe’s wife, hostage. The later section will highlight in greater detail ways to hold someone hostage. By sending a picture of Jane in a position of danger, John will feel intimidated, thus this is a successful instance of intimidation.
- Threatening to reveal the nature of John and Giles’ close relationship to Jane. Although Jane is no longer as infatuated as she used to be with John, this will still result in John feeling intimidated as he wonders how you gained this information, thus this is an example of intimidation.
- Leaving the remains of Jeremy at John’s doorstep, ideally after 6:00 PM on a weekday, as if Jane were to see these remains when she returns home from work, she’d dispose of them without any further questioning. This timing would be crucial to ensure that Jane does not interfere with the presence of Jeremy and that John will be able to see these remains. John will feel intimidated regardless, but it is also worth noting that this intimidation attempt will be more effective if Jeremy’s corpse is somehow preserved, so it is immediately apparent that the remains are that of Jeremy, and not any small rodent.
2.3 Fear
Ultimately, it is difficult to assuage whether an attempt of intimidation is successful without understanding the meaning of fear. This section will try to briefly establish the concept of fear, for the lucky few that are unfamiliar. Departing from the story of John Doe, some examples of fear include:
- You return to your childhood home that you have lived in since you were born for spring break. College was the first time you were ever away from home this long, and you hope that this break is as rejuvenating as fall break was. However, you find that your parents often forget your name, and it takes multiple attempts for you to get their attention. When you do have their attention, the only expression you ever see on their faces is a wide grin which takes care to only expose a modest amount of pearly white teeth. When you are not in their immediate line of sight, they stand motionless, the same expression on their face. Every night, when your mother tucks you into bed and kisses you on the forehead, her clenched teeth pressing against your skin, you may feel fear.
- Everyday that your parents leave for work, you feel relief. However, on a sunny Wednesday afternoon, when you wake up and go through the motions of your morning routine, you realize that there is now an extra door leading from your bedroom, matching exactly that of the bathroom door. When curiosity gets the better of you, and you enter this new bathroom, only to find yourself reentering your bedroom from the normal bathroom door, you feel perplexed. Then, when this extra door is nowhere to be found, and the door behind you shuts and locks the moment you are no longer in the doorframe, you may feel fear.
- While you wander the unfamiliar new halls of your childhood home and your sense of time slips away, you notice how you don’t recognize the smiling child in any of the childhood photographs your parents had so lovingly hung up throughout the house. The child’s grin is far too wide, and despite you distinctly remembering having braces at that age, its teeth are pearly white. After descending the basement stairs to return to your bedroom on the second floor, you try the bathroom door once more to find it unlocked. As you reenter the bathroom, and look at yourself in the mirror. A wide grin can’t help but stretch its way across your face with glee, as you have finally made it to the bathroom to begin your morning routine. The first step of your routine is to count the number of teeth you have. Identifying the emotion you feel as you do so is left as an exercise to the reader.
3. The Strategy
Regarding RPS as purely a game of chance results in a game with little strategy to be had. However, understanding the many psychosocial dynamics that are at play in society are key to determining a winning strategy for RPS. These strategies usually require some amount of knowledge about the person you are competing against, such as knowledge of their associates (defined above), however, a general strategy is also included in case this knowledge is for whatever reason unobtainable. This paper will not go into detail as to how to obtain such information.
3.1 A General Strategy
This strategy is to be used when very little information is known about your opponent, and it is difficult to procure any information. It will be assumed that the opponent is a blank slate.
Materials list:
- A weapon
Procedure:
- There are two possible cases, depending on whether or not your opponent is capable of feeling emotion and pain:
- If this is the case:
- Boast about your flawless track record with games of RPS to your opponent. Regardless of whether this is true or not at the time of boasting, this raises the chances of instilling a sense of helplessness into your opponent. Otherwise, this has a chance of instilling a false sense of ease in your opponent if they assume that you are bluffing. Either result is advantageous.
- Point your weapon towards the opponent. If your weapon of choice has high firepower or is a bludgeoning weapon, point this weapon towards this head, as in society, brain damage is undesirable, and the brain is located in the head. If your weapon deals damage by piercing or otherwise cutting into the flesh, hold your weapon at chest level, to maximize the amount of vulnerable locations you threaten to strike. Most people do not walk around in suits of armor. If for whatever reason, you do not have a weapon, any other form of intimidation can be substituted here.
- Proclaim the move that you will make. Rock is recommended. If your opponent is exhibiting great amounts of fear, it may prove further advantageous to instruct your opponent what move to make. Figure 1 (below) highlights what instruction to give your opponent depending on the move you claim you will make.
Your move | Opponent’s move |
Rock | Scissors |
Paper | Rock |
Scissors | Paper |
Figure 1: Matchups in RPS that result in your victory
- Begin the countdown, and when it comes time to do so, make the move that you claimed you will make in step (iii). Use your other hand to continue pointing your weapon of choice at your opponent, in the same manner as described in step (ii).
- On the off chance that you somehow lose this match of RPS, follow through with the threat made in step (ii), to ensure further victory in games of RPS you might play, as failing to follow through with your intimidation will result in reduced efficacy of step (ii).
- Otherwise, cry.
3.2 The Ideal Strategy
The ideal strategy differs from the general strategy as it requires knowledge of your opponent’s associates in advance, as well as further amounts of preparation in order to succeed. In spite of this, this strategy is considered ideal because it avoids the risk of your opponent overpowering you when you intimidate them, as advance preparation for your intimidation method ensures that your opponent will be overcome with fear, and will also be powerless in undermining your intimidation at that immediate moment.
The overall strategy follows the same steps as in 3.1, replacing step (ii) with a different intimidation method, focusing on an associate of your choice. Therefore, this section will instead focus on methods to identify associates of your opponent, and suggested means of intimidation to maximize fear.
Associate | Intimidation Method | Notes |
Spouse | Hostage victim | The efficacy of this choice of associate is dependent on the nature of the relationship between your opponent and their spouse. Considering the example of John Doe, his spouse Jane Doe may not be the most ideal associate, whereas typically, spouses guarantee success. |
Pet | See notes | While it may be easier to take a pet as hostage as they are typically smaller, their lack of understanding of human language proves controlling them difficult. Outright disposal of the pet from your opponent’s life may prove sufficient for intimidation. When provided with multiple options, use this list as a reference for most valuable associate to least:
|
Close friend | See notes | Ideal intimidation method is highly dependent on the nature of your opponent. Consider having your opponent take the Rice Purity Test and choose an intimidation method based on the result: 90-100 - Anything will do. Your opponent is a soft soul. 80-89 - 70-79 - 60-69 - At this range, it is more than likely that your opponent has many secrets that they would prefer to remain hidden, potentially with a close friend. 0-59 - The strategy has met its match. Nothing can possibly faze this person, except perhaps their own mortality. Resort to 3.1 |
Figure 2: Common candidates for associates, recommended intimidation methods, and additional notes
4. Conclusion
Ultimately, guaranteeing victory in the turbulent game of RPS is dependent on understanding the societal context the game exists in. We can all fall prey to the whims of our brains in response to intimidation. Surviving in the dog-eat-dog world of RPS is a matter of becoming the intimidator, as opposed to the intimidated (the eating dog, as opposed to the eaten dog, if you will). Ignoring this reality can be considered reflective of the losing attitude many hold towards life. However, nothing is truly up to the Great Random. Taking the weaknesses of your fellow man in mind, victory will not be clean, but it will be in your hands.
Further research is recommended in understanding how to guarantee victory against those without emotions or fear of mortality, such as against computers. Considering growing fears in society regarding a robot takeover, discovering a weakness of computers in the game of RPS can then be translated to strategies to prevent the computer uprising. If computers are truly made in our image, then they will fall the same way we do. Our human hands can only hope for perfection, but everything will fall short, even our treacherous machines.
The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications
In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not 2016 (see more in the methods section), therefore the year four years ago was 2020. We also managed to conclude that anyone reading this abstract is getting old.