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KGB Presents: readme
Editor in Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Saturdays at 5:00 pm, Doherty Hall room 1117
ā€‹"Tyan Rosh"

ā€‹"Tyan Rosh"

📍 Doherty B, in a staring contest with the cameras | Pronouns: he/him
Email: rtosh@andrew.cmu.edu

Staffwriter, Social Media

Undecided, 2028

Bio

Pursuing a BS in Undecided, class of 2028. You'll never guess my name. IG: @ryantosh0

Fun Fact

My cat's name is Poppy and she knows how you die

Previous Work

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for ā€¦

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to ā€¦

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Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903ā€“1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that ā€¦

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Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to ā€¦

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Missed Connections


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TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, ā€¦

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself ā€¦

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Overheard at CMU


Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, Iā€™m sorry. ā€¦

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Color By Number With Readme


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One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes ā€¦

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CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived ā€¦

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I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm ā€¦

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How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a ā€¦

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Concepts Releases Merch


The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

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Overheard at CMU


Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

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Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. ā€¦

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CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it. This simplicity falls apart, however, ā€¦

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Overheard at CMU


Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "


"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on ā€¦

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Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to ā€¦

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Where to buy Adderall on campus


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Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters ā€¦

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Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous ā€¦

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty. ā€¦

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CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and ā€¦

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ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon ā€¦

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CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer


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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!


In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state ā€¦

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Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, ā€¦

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CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque ā€¦

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README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks


In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,ā€ "why,ā€ and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.ā€ The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of ā€¦

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