Abe James
Staffwriter
Major, 200000
Bio
Unknowable and Mysterious
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Latest
Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!
With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price range for many of us. Considering the heater will only be used for about another month or so, many of us can’t justify spending so much money! But, because staying warm is incredibly important, we here at ReadME have compiled a few cheap and easy ways to stay warm during …
This Week In Bears
Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.
Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles
Two bears have recently joined the CMU Unicycle Appreciation Association. These bears have been seen on campus for a few weeks, disguised in hats, scarves, t-shirts, shorts and tutus. Their reason for being on campus is unknown, however they have been seen riding their unicycles all across campus and greater Pittsburgh, perhaps in an attempt …
Readme Crime Report
So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.
Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation
Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. The installation depicted the multiple paint layers on the Fence from 1993 to 2023. CMUPD and CMU administration are unsure of how the sculpture could have been stolen. Witnesses from the night of the attack deny ever seeing a suspicious person(s) near the sculpture. Students residing in Forbes Beeler did …
Readme Crime Report
As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!
Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly
Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse character wearing gloves on campus grounds. When readme correspondence interviewed the two, they responded that the color and the gloves were the only similarities. In fact, their mouse wore a shirt and had whiskers unlike the Mouse himself. The Mouse is demanding $2.5 million in compensation and emotional damage. Only …
Readme Crime Report
The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out of crime material on campus.
Election Plinko Causes Confusion
Pittsburgh city officials were in a state of confusion when it was discovered that all electoral ballots were somehow replaced one to one with mini plinko machines. These plinko machines had the point values replaced with political parties. When …
EADME CIME EPOT
We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.
Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students disguised as a typical club email. Out of those 960 and 100 students, 400 students have downloaded malwae onto laptops. Computing Sevices is completely swamped with all the calls, emails and pleas. In the meanwhile, CMU advises all students to be vigilant about phishing attempts.
Table and Stool Heist …
The Best Crime Report
It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.
AY, AY! LOCAL MAGAZINE UNDER PFETA FIRE
Recently, a local CMU satire magazine has come under fire from PFETA, the slightly more radical version of PETA, for using the endangered ayeayes to help write articles. When asked to comment, the editorinchief has denied all claims of any animals being …
O-Week Crime Report
Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read this to catch up on all the terrible horrible things that have happened to our beloved CMU while you all were away.
WEB OF LIES In a shocking twist of events, a large crocheted web was erected over the main campus buildings. According to authorities, this web had been …
readme booth to bring back factory towns
Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone except IS students, who aren’t allowed to spill the beans. If they do, they get hunted for sport by the ghosts of Andrew Carnegie’s uncles and uncles-in-law.
Our Booth is a totally immersive experience in which you get to pretend you are an impoverished employer working for us, the …