Abe James
Staffwriter
Major, 200000
Bio
Unknowable and Mysterious
Fun Fact
...
Previous Work
Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!
With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price range for many of us. Considering the heater will only be used for about another month or so, many of us can’t justify spending so much money! But, because staying warm is incredibly important, we here at ReadME have compiled a few cheap and easy ways to stay warm during the harsh winter!
At-Home Sauna
Just turn on the bathroom faucets to hot and sit back on your porcelain throne. Eventually, the steam will act as a makeshift sauna. If you have a tub, sit in that instead. If you are using the tub, make sure you bring snacks and everything you need on a chair or small table. You’ll be staying in there for a while, getting out will be a fate worse than death! Be prepared to stake out the bathroom for as long as possible, even if you have roommates. While this solution is extremely easy, it may not be viable for everyone. If you pay for utilities, you will definitely incur severely high prices in the long run. Also, if you don’t have running hot water, this is not the method for you!
Feeling the Heat
Another idea to try is using the power of hot food to warm you up. Spicy food will be the best for this trick. Simply get some hot sauce in your eyes, nose, and ears and let them sit for a few minutes! You’ll forget that bed is literally a sheet of ice because of how warm you feel. That and the fact you’ll be in excruciating pain. If it gets too unbearable, you can always call the ambulance and get to stay in the warmth of the ER- although your overnight hospital stay may also make you bankrupt. You may also lose the ability to smell, hear, and see. Oh well!
Fun Dorm Campfires
If all else fails, a nice fire will warm you right up! If you have a butane stove, turn it on. A few minutes later, you will realize the icicles in your room are barely dripping. Not to worry because lighters and matches can be fairly cheap and available in many places. Alternatively, get some dry sticks and start rubbing. Consider using up all your past notes, tests, and readings as kindling. If decent sized wood fuel is too hard to find this time of year, consider using your roommate’s things–anything large and flammable. However, be extremely mindful about setting off any sprinkler systems. If you get wet, that’ll just make you more cold! There is also a non-zero chance you burn your place down. To combat any excessive fire growth, be sure to have a fire extinguisher and a bucket-full of water on hand! If not, you may be facing hefty fees and the extreme cold.
Leave!!!
The final option is to simply not live at your place anymore. The demons of ice and snow have won. Crash the rest of the winter with a friend, colleague, even a sworn enemy. If you must, show up to Farnam’s doorstep and start to sob uncontrollably until he lets you in. If your chosen host declines, try begging even more pitifully. Or, stage a hostile takeover of their place. Maybe find refuge on campus. The HOA couches and chairs might be a good place to sleep. You could shower in the UC or Gates! Or, just live outside in a tent. Because the tent is much smaller, heat from your body can radiate more, making it much warmer than wherever you were living. Wherever you go, just get away from the icy hell that is your living situation.
This Week In Bears
Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.
Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles
Two bears have recently joined the CMU Unicycle Appreciation Association. These bears have been seen on campus for a few weeks, disguised in hats, scarves, t-shirts, shorts and tutus. Their reason for being on campus is unknown, however they have been seen riding their unicycles all across campus and greater Pittsburgh, perhaps in an attempt to cover up their easily identifiable bear paws. Most likely, these bears are on the run from animal control and park rangers for their crimes against campers. The authorities have been contacted but they informed reaDmE that the bears were “Nothing to worry about”.
Sniffing For Meat Amongst Student Body
The bears have been seen handing out jars of salmon jerky and overnight oats for free at the UC, despite not being part of any student organization. While our reporters weren’t able to obtain any before stock ran out, we were able to find some residue leftover in a trashcan. Some of the residue was contaminated with other trash but a sample was obtained nonetheless for testing. Upon examining the remains, one reporter threw up immediately, a clear sign of poison. These bears are obviously trying to poison the study body to harvest their bodies for meat.
Deadly Pair Create Disguises for Escape
These two have also been found knitting fuzzy sweaters, hats, gloves, and so forth outside of Wean. Animal Control and park rangers must have pinned the bears for crimes against humanity and as such, the pair are making new human disguises. One reporter bravely went up to investigate and didn't return for several hours. He was later found sleeping in Sorrells Library in a very large and comfortable sweater with a mug of hot cocoa next to him. We can only conclude that he was knocked out deliberately by the bears who are now onto us. Unfortunately, it seems the bears have made off with their disguises and are now on the run somewhere else. If any readers have any information about the bear situation contact readME immediately!
Readme Crime Report
So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.
Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation
Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. The installation depicted the multiple paint layers on the Fence from 1993 to 2023. CMUPD and CMU administration are unsure of how the sculpture could have been stolen. Witnesses from the night of the attack deny ever seeing a suspicious person(s) near the sculpture. Students residing in Forbes Beeler did not notice or seem particularly upset over the loss of the statue. Currently, there are no leads. CMUPD is currently looking for any DNA evidence left behind that could point to a suspect.
Unknown Printer Menace Still At Large
In a scheme to make everyone suffer, someone has tampered with all the public printers on campus. All the printers were paper jammed or had no paper. On top of that, many of the printers had no toner. Students are frantically urging the university to put a stop to this madness, however there is no evidence that the printers were maliciously interfered with. Custodial staff and faculty have reported that there was no unusual behavior near the printers. One professor commented that he saw a student trying to print a hundred page reading single-sided, but nothing about a potential printer menace. Still, much of the student body is convinced that the printers are being tampered with. The university has urged students to contact the support person for whatever printer they are using if issues arise.
3D Printer Almost Burns Dorm Down
In one of CMU’s freshman dormitories, a 3D printer overheated and triggered the fire alarm. The student was trying to 3D print a life size model of the Statue of Liberty, and left their 3D printer running recklessly for weeks using ABS plastic. Thankfully, no fire actually occurred due to the sprinkler system. When the RA responsible went to investigate, the student’s prohibited electronic devices were discovered. The student was then forced to ship their 3D printer and coffee pot home. Currently no further action is being pursued against said student, who will stay anonymous.
Readme Crime Report
As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!
Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly
Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse character wearing gloves on campus grounds. When readme correspondence interviewed the two, they responded that the color and the gloves were the only similarities. In fact, their mouse wore a shirt and had whiskers unlike the Mouse himself. The Mouse is demanding $2.5 million in compensation and emotional damage. Only time will tell what happens to the case.
Hunting Head of Fake Licenses
A man was recently arrested for hunting sixteen doves within a day, one over the daily limit. Upon his arrest, it was revealed he had a fake hunting license. Several other men have been arrested who also had similarly fake licenses. With the wild turkey hunting season drawing close, the authorities are worried about who else is hunting game without the appropriate documentation. One CMU student noted that people will hunt illegally anyways. However, the authorities have said it is more so about the principal and taking advantage of the government. Now, the authorities are on the prowl for whoever is handing out these fake hunting licenses.
Carnivore War
An all out war has shaken out on campus. Two factions of the Carnivore Chomping Club have split up in regards to what is and is not allowed in a carnivorous diet. One side are the carnivore purists, only eating meat and nothing else, while another side also indulges in seafood and animal products. The Fence and the pathways have become victims to the war with taunting messages written to the opposite faction as well as the general student population. Other club executives are frustrated with the Carnivore Chomping Club because of the lack of ability to advertise. However, the general public doesn't seem to care too much with it just being an inconvenience.
Readme Crime Report
The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out of crime material on campus.
Election Plinko Causes Confusion
Pittsburgh city officials were in a state of confusion when it was discovered that all electoral ballots were somehow replaced one to one with mini plinko machines. These plinko machines had the point values replaced with political parties. When city officials tested the devices, it was discovered that certain plinko machines were missing pegs. As of right now, there is no sign of the culprit who has scampered off with the ballots.
Voter Fraud Ring Caught Before Elections
A large-scale voter fraud ring for the Holiday Window Display competition has been busted recently by the City of Pittsburgh. It was discovered five hundred people were voting multiple times under multiple names online and in person in the beloved competition. The city vows to crack down on voter fraud this upcoming holiday season to make sure this does not happen again.
Pittsburgh Signs Now Read Pitsburg
In a recent discovery by city officials, 81.3% of signs, flyers and posters mentioning Pittsburgh are now spelled, Pitsburg. Some of these signs were more subtle, replacing the sign with a new one misspelling the city. Other signs simply had the city name crossed out and replaced with Pitsburg in shoddily written handwriting. It was only noticed when government buildings also became misspelled. Several Pittsburgh native confessed they had seen the changes, but didn’t care enough to bring it up. Some citizens have suggested renaming the city to Pitsburg. Officials are currently discussing the matter. Until then, the signs will remain up.
EADME CIME EPOT
We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.
Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students disguised as a typical club email. Out of those 960 and 100 students, 400 students have downloaded malwae onto laptops. Computing Sevices is completely swamped with all the calls, emails and pleas. In the meanwhile, CMU advises all students to be vigilant about phishing attempts.
Table and Stool Heist Gone South Some business students have been caught by maintenance attempting to steal tables and stools out of HOA, CFA and Gates to sell on Discod and Facebook Maketplace. One of the students has confessed that the heist was because of an assignment in which they needed to yield funds. CMU admin, upon lengthy discussion, has decided the best action is that the tables and stools not immediately confiscated to be placed back in position. Many believe that this gentle consequence is because the man the business building is dedicated to, meddled in the decision.
Black Maket Steam Tunnel Tous The CMUPD has caught wind of a student-led black maket of steam tunnels tous and othe steam tunnel activities. Howeve, no offending students have been found as the deals happened in Sidechat via goup chats and DMS. The CMUPD asks that students contact them with details. CMU Sidechat do not have the same sentiments, complaining about the CMUPD taking away the fun afte months of complaining about academics and elationships.
The Best Crime Report
It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.
AY, AY! LOCAL MAGAZINE UNDER PFETA FIRE
Recently, a local CMU satire magazine has come under fire from PFETA, the slightly more radical version of PETA, for using the endangered ayeayes to help write articles. When asked to comment, the editorinchief has denied all claims of any animals being used to create and distribute the magazine. He says that, “I absolutely did not buy mysterious monkeys from some guy in a shady alley." PFETA has stated they will storm the university to find the lemurs and will use force if necessary. If anyone has seen a creepy looking lemur thing, PFETA is urging students to contact them immediately. However, we at readme strongly advise against this action for the safety of the university students.
TROUBLE IN PARADISE, ILLEGAL TRAFFICKING
Mysterious persons were discovered at the Pittsburgh International Airport transporting some mysterious animals. When the TSA discovered this, the mysterious persons apparently made a break for it. Apparently they got away and the airport is having difficulty identifying said people because of the fake nature of the passports and overly black clothing. The airport also claims that the mysterious animals were some kind of monkeys and probably illegal. The airport is now looking for any information regarding these monkey smugglers.
ILLEGAL AIRCRAFT CREATES EVEN MORE SUSPICION
A shoddily built aircraft made from cardboard and aluminum was found broken down in the Cut of CMU. It was painted with the logo of a certain satire magazine but the members have denied any association with the aircraft. This abomination of an aircraft had also been spotted in the skies of Africa and the Atlantic Ocean. Authorities are suspicious that the magazine not only built the aircraft but also flew it illegally. No word has come from the editorinchief as supposedly he has a bad case of sea and motion sickness as well as food poisoning and a lack of sleep. We here at ReadMe hope he gets better as it’s a real shame he’s sick and all.
O-Week Crime Report
Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read this to catch up on all the terrible horrible things that have happened to our beloved CMU while you all were away.
WEB OF LIES In a shocking twist of events, a large crocheted web was erected over the main campus buildings. According to authorities, this web had been up for about two weeks before anyone took action. It was only removed because many Pittsburgh citizens grew worried about the reason for such a strange creation. Also, the emails and phone calls were starting to pile up. Currently, CMUPD is trying to unravel the culprits and any students in the loop behind such a heinous crime. If you have any ideas on the case, please contact readme@cmukgb.org.
GREEK HOUSE HORROR Attention all CMU personnel! Authorities are on the search for the person(s) who stole all of the letters off of the Greek Houses. The English-looking letters were found in Schenley Park in what appeared to be an oversized game of Scrabble which was outlined in crudely done chalk. However, none of the exclusively Greek letters were found anywhere in Schenley. Authorities are under the belief that these letters are being held hostage in someone’s house or dorm. In an interview with a local fraternity brother, he suggested that it was “a tragedy” and was “calling for the safe return of [their] beloved letters”. Please help save these Greek letters and bring them back home!
FENCE GONE, CMU DISTRAUGHT Last night, a group of students staked out the Fence. It was reported that they poured about 100 gallons of paint stripper and distilled vinegar on it to clean up the built up paint. The Fence was constructed of 95% built up paint and only 5% actual fence, which happened to be super brittle and old. Unsurprisingly, it immediately fell apart when stripped of all the paint. Now there is no Fence. Many are left in deep pain. A group of students have created an ambitious plan to glue the Fence back with paint, but we at readme are not sure how successful it will be considering parts of the Fence have disintegrated and turned to ash. CMU staff and the student government have no idea what to do about the new state of the Fence and have elected to allow this to happen until a real solution is found.
FRESHMAN DECORATIONS GO AWRY Carnegie Mellon is in shambles. Who allowed the freshman dormitories to be painted their respective colors? The windows are one thing, the whole building? Donner, of course, is not affected in the slightest since the building was already the color of the Caribbean Sea. Many of the freshman RAs claim sabotage from the blue dorm. However, Donner claims this was all an attempt to smear their name. Who knows? Barely any of the upperclassmen care, and the staff believe this is some sort of dormitory spirit thing. The maintenance care though, as they have to clean it up now. Rumors flying around indicate that they plan to increase the cost of maintenance requests by a factor of 200 because of this.
Stay safe, Tartans!
readme booth to bring back factory towns
Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone except IS students, who aren’t allowed to spill the beans. If they do, they get hunted for sport by the ghosts of Andrew Carnegie’s uncles and uncles-in-law.
Our Booth is a totally immersive experience in which you get to pretend you are an impoverished employer working for us, the railroad tycoons. Super duper cool, right guys? Like all good Booths, we have fun games to play such as mining coal or laying down train tracks. When you’re done, you get a Readme coin which you can use to buy amenities like spare clothes, soap and water. We also provide Readme stamps which can be used to purchase food! We aren’t so boring as to just provide the snacks, it’s more fun for people to work for it! The extra fun part is the stamps cannot be used to buy coin items and vice versa. How cool! It’s basically like a strategy video game, but in real life and much harder since CMU students have twigs for arms.
You might consider using the coins and stamps elsewhere, but that’s where you’d get an extra big laugh. Readme coins and stamps are not usable in other booths and can only be used in the Readme Booth. Of course not, they’re Readme exclusives! I mean, the coins and stamps are just too valuable to be used anywhere else.
Our build draws architectural inspiration from Pullman, Illinois, and Lowell, Massachusetts during the Industrial Revolution. It’s kinda old-school but that's just part of the whimsy. We also have a sickly wife and kids to really amp up that charm and add to that immersive experience. I mean, you want Amelia and Bart to get a good education don’t you? So get back to work!
Hahhahaha, you can’t leave now. :)
Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!
Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s reaction also seemed to prove his guilt with him barking and charging at the camera to stop them from recording.
MARTHA IS OUTRAGED
Concerned fans began to tag Martha Speaks, Scotty’s current girlfriend, on the situation on X which caused her to say in a tweet that she was taking a break from social media. However, it is certain it is due to not wanting to post a hasty tweet on the current (or perhaps recently ended) relationship between her and Scotty Dog. We at README got an interview with Martha and were able to get a few questions in before she walked out and accused the reporter for being a “wannabe TMZ loser for the elderly” and “a stalker who cares too much about the love lives of dogs”. That’s mean of Martha to say because README is a very credible source of information and the reporter is not obsessed with dog romance.
TOTAL CONFESSION
In a recent tweet published on Scotty Dog’s private X account, a red heart was posted which basically confirms cheating allegations because Clifford is red. Using trash left outside of Clifford’s home which included black dog hairs, Turner’s lemonade bottles and plaid wrapping paper, we at README have deduced that those two are certainly engaged in a secret love affair. But what reason did Scotty Dog have for cheating beside being a playboy?
THE UGLY TRUTH ABOUT SCOTTY DOG
While Martha was known for her red collar, she had actually switched to blue in recent years. Many fans suspect that this sudden relationship with Clifford is a stunt to bring more students to CMU. When Scotty Dog was dating Martha students felt the mismatching colors were off-putting for the CMU brand. Prospective students also thought the same thing and instead chose colleges where the couples matched the color scheme of the school. While blue is a color in the tartan, red is the distinctive CMU merchandising color. Since Clifford is red and CMU is red, this is a great relationship for Scotty Dog to get more students. As we know, the only thing Scotty Dog loves more than bagpipes, kilts, and Snoop Dogg is branding. That and charging outrageous amounts of money for tuition.
FUTURE
It seems Scotty Dog’s love life is still so turbulent. In other news the reporter is no longer allowed to go back to the neighborhood Clifford lives in due to the neighborhood watch not appreciating investigative journalism. If you have any update PLEASE CONTACT README I’M BEGGING YOU. Go Tartans!
Readme Crime Report
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, so…..
Student Drives Forklift Recklessly, Causes Major Fire
A local student drove a modified forklift carrying two gallons of crude oil into the Tepper School of Business at an alarming speed of 90mph, causing millions in property damage. The glass on the building all shattered, and because CMU has no money, they elected to cover the glass with cardboard and bedsheets. Business students have set up a bakery sale to help fund the reconstruction of the building. The culprit was not caught but witnesses described the student as “definitely David Tepper himself and not a student at all”. Please contact README with any additional information.
Engines of Cars Stolen, Turned into Strange Statue Engines from cars parked on Beeler and Margaret Morrison Streets were unexpectedly stolen and replaced with fake bombs, causing panic and an overwhelming spike in calls to the CMUPD. When checking out where the engines could have gone, they discovered a statue made of melted engines in the shape of a toilet in Merson Courtyard. A printed note was left on top of the toilet in a mix of Russian and Esperanto but authorities were too confused to translate it. The car owners were not given any compensation for their lost engines.
Stray Cats Cause Ruckus In Underground After a rat was set loose, causing multiple fires, in the Underground by an unidentified student, another unidentified student brought several stray cats to deal with the aftermath of the fire. The cats however, seemed to have other plans and proceeded to sell anything salvageable for three times their value on Depop and rent the place out to their other cat friends for an ungodly amount for the condition. When the cats were captured, they told the local reporter “Mraow'', which can only mean they would have done more. They will be held at the local animal shelter to pay for their crimes and all their money gained was confiscated.
Magazine Editor Commits Various OSHA Violations A local satire magazine editor was recently handed several Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) violations due to unsafe workplace practices. Said editor forced staff to handle construction and heavy machinery without any training, fall protection or adequate equipment. Employees also handled hazardous chemicals without being informed they were actually hazardous. When the employees were asked about their thoughts on the situation one replied, “I did think it was strange when my arm started to glow neon purple.” It should be noted none of the employees questioned why a satire magazine needed to build or handle chemicals in the first place. Currently, the editor is trying to sue OSHA for “wrongful violations” and “being bad at their job”.