By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth of interesting activities it gets to call its own. Adding to this proud list, a new sport has captured the hearts of CMU students and onlookers alike. Inverse Bungee Jumping, as the sport has been dubbed, involves strapping participants to a bungee cord anchored to the ground, and raising them …

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read this to catch up on all the terrible horrible things that have happened to our beloved CMU while you all were away.

WEB OF LIES In a shocking twist of events, a large crocheted web was erected over the main campus buildings. According to authorities, this web had been …

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What about IDs? Won’t we need to show you our IDs? I went through the trouble of making fake IDs in preparation for college life all for nothing?”, my overactive imagination envisions you, the reader, thinking. Obviously, we won't serve alcohol to partygoers if we see their IDs stating that they …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the weather, and the lack of sex on campus, several staffers found a small box in the basement of Hunt that included documents dating back to the first ever buggy race.

While Carnegie Mellon would like you to believe that Buggy was founded by a group of well meaning fraternity …

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, because whether you’re a freshman eager to escape your academic hazing for a weekend or a senior who wants to make the most of the rest of your time here, I have tips on several of Carnival’s tamer traditions!

Douse A Pre-Frosh

This carnival tradition involves finding tours …

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone except IS students, who aren’t allowed to spill the beans. If they do, they get hunted for sport by the ghosts of Andrew Carnegie’s uncles and uncles-in-law.

Our Booth is a totally immersive experience in which you get to pretend you are an impoverished employer working for us, the …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Further interviews with various booth chairs discovered that nobody really knew what an OSHA violation entailed. A full investigation will be held, during which no construction will be allowed. Students have protested the decision by building second booths on both sides of Midway. …

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of people who like to think we’re funny, we have decided to look for loopholes in any rules we can find in order to participate in it all. Pedants that we are, we found section 6.9 (yes, actually. You can look it up.) of the Sweepstakes bylaws, which dictates buggy size:

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin intensive training on how to steer buggies for this year’s Spring Carnival. The shortest preschoolers will be directed into a gifted track where they will be hand-picked by buggy organizations to begin live buggy steering. Those who successfully compete at Spring Carnival will be gifted free tuition and automatic acceptance …

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to stop, because it’s so central to who we are as Tartans. It’s a miracle no one has yet died flying around the bends in Schenley Park in a fragile tube built by a couple of crusty nineteen­year­old MechEs. You could be the first!

2. Alcohol: self­-explanatory.

3. Falling …

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a groundbreaking investigation into why anyone would possibly spend tens of thousands of dollars every year to learn how to read, a skill most people learn by first grade.

In reality, the humanities department of Carnegie Mellon is an extensive testing ground for research on sentient AI. By placing AI …

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to campus, I saw it with my own eyes. The SAE Lions were gone.

I knew this day would come, but I was not prepared. In our lives, we rely on our constant truths. I relied on the SAE Lions to welcome me to campus. They got me up in …