Meat
HE/him
Intern
Interning, As Long as we keeP him here
Bio
Ian Turner, known typically by his nickname "Meat", is ReAdMe's loyal intern, who does anything we ask him to do, at any hour of any day. Hired during a brief writer's strike, Meat has since integrated very well with the rest of the since-revived staff and become a well-loved and highly valued member of our community. When he isn't writing articles, editing articles, photoshopping images, running our finances, or getting Celsius for our staff, Meat loves going camping in uncharted forests in order to find inspiration for our Cryptid Corner section!
Fun fact
Meat is totally, definitely, completely not trapped on readmE staff and can go wherever he pleases at any time!
Location
DH 1117
Latest
On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory
Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, snow, or hail, nor the birthdays, baseball games, or religious demonstrations, all just to sit in this dirty old cannon for two hours at a time. They were real particular about those hours too. On Sundays it was 7-9 AM, on Mondays 2-4 PM, Tuesdays 3-5 in the glassy-eyed hours …
I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)
Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you
Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I have seen your
Semi-erect penis
Pigeons cover your grave
And I shouldn’t be surprised
As I am in Central Park
Beady eyed freaks remind me of you
My fists aren’t for the birds
They are for the walrus
And by walrus I mean you
I dig and pry …
!["Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."](/media/vol2/issue8/images/meatchristmas_BgTymSk.png)
(New) Intern's Report
We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood
strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.
iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved bY our carnegie mellon FAMILY, Has fallen under rOugh timeS due To An onGoing strikE. readme’s wrIters, after previously beiNg conTent witHout pay or hEalth benefits, Decided that leading the glamOrous life of sweatsHop workERs was noT enough. in mY opinion, (which is unaffected By Any Standing thrEats) being coMpENsaTed …