Jupiter

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large windows and creamy brick that leave nothing to the imagination. Of course, the sleek, modern design is often cited as one of its most desirable qualities.

As we watched, we noticed something shocking about ANSYS’s picture-perfect exterior. The lights of ANSYS Hall seem dimmer, no longer shining like they …

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the first half of the semester, I have struggled. The notes are little more than incomprehensible scrawl and Office Hours seem to be located in a building that only occurs in dreams. With the dawning of Spring Break, I was sure I was going to fail the class. As I wandered …

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left in the dust. And now you hear a voice from deep inside your psyche, calling you to take action, to commit sabotage?

Luckily, here at ReadMe, we have no conscience and are proud to bring you this guide to sabotaging your least favorite booth or buggy org this spring!

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe are happy to report that an easy and accessible solution has been found. If you’re a student organization struggling to stay afloat in the turbulent political climate of CMU, here’s how you can make some extra club money.

Step 1: Set Up

The first step in making your …

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting time of year comes an increased number of calls to CaPS, the university’s counseling and psychological services. Now, I know that finals can be an annoying time for CaPS with all these kids calling, whining about their “mental struggles.” I understand, it gets tiring. Since when did CaPS become the …

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English class. Like, this discrimination is going to kill my QPA.

From the very beginning, I could just tell that this professor and I were going to have problems. First, we’re sitting in lecture on the first day of class. The professor is droning on and on about the syllabus. …

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to broadcast their mad ramblings for the whole university to read:

I’ve tried all the doors but none of them seem to open. I walked up and down the spiral, searching for anyone else trapped in Gates, yet I have found no one. Perhaps I will just sit and study …