Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact based, objective review.

The course has two instructors, both appear to be super-super-super-super-seniors. It is concerning that StuCo allows instructors to teach when they clearly are unable to graduate from CMU in a timely manner. Furthermore, the course seems to have a third instructor in the form of a …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. Where does Baker end and Porter start? No one knows. The hallway is so long by the time you reach the other end you lose your will to live. Baker-Porter consumes the entire South side of the mall, and we let it get away with it. Soon it will try …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell I would not wish upon my worst enemy.

Avid fans of readme know that we publish bi-weekly on Wednesdays. This means we print and distribute copies of readme on Tuesday evenings. I have just been informed that we are not publishing on Wednesday this week. Is this a sign …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, after some careful investigative journalism (that did not include trespassing), our brave journalists were able to pinpoint the intended use of the laser.

According to internal SDC documents, the laser is able to get targeted wheels hot enough to burn them off of opposing teams' buggies. Additionally, CMU students …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

If you are going to España over break, please do not come back with an accent. You did not gain your “authentic” accent in 7 days, and we all hate you. No one cares that you were in “Barrrrrttttthelona”.

Antarctica

The ice caps are melting, it will make …

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that the court remove The Tartan from the trial due to emotional distress. The Tartan is currently blowing kisses to the reader.

10:18 AM

The Tartan has been removed from the room. Before leaving, The Tartan left a kiss on the reader’s cheek. README has turned bright red.

…

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to eat, to carry, to use those little spindly legs for their clandestine shuffling. The ants are not allowed in the wall. Installing one carbon monoxide detector on each wall is the only thing that keeps the ants away. The ants took my wife Linda. I miss Linda.

Sometimes, when …