"Roan Tysh"
they/them
Staffwriter
Undecided, 2028
Bio
Pursuing a BS in Undecided, class of 2028. You'll never guess my name.
Fun fact
My cat's name is Poppy and she knows how you die
Location
Doherty B, in a staring contest with the cameras
Contact
rtosh@andrew.cmu.edu
Latest
CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce
In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.
While the 9-story building was conceived by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation in 2009, which is around the time Bill first became friends with Jeffrey Epstein, the Bill Gates Foundation and the Melinda Gates Foundation have since parted ways. They can no longer legally support the same causes, and that includes raising the young Gates …
I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically
Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm obsessed with you in a deeply creepy romantic manner, but I'm not. You work for Nakatomi Defense Corporation, on the 17th floor of their New York campus, in office 1712b. You got the job straight out of college, where you got a BS in Chemistry with a 3.98 GPA, and …
One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.
Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes of The Hill, as rose petals drift down from the straight floor of Welch. The reception will be held at Shake Smart, and among the guests we expect to see notable celebrities including Farnam Jahanian, Iliano Cervesato, and Taylor Swift, with her new boyfriend Eshaan Joshi.
How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home
With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a space that's truly your own, not just a dirt-floored maze of two-by-fours. Check out these five tips for bringing your space to life!
1. Partition spaces to create a cozy atmosphere
Often, crawl spaces will have short ceilings and large, open floor plans. This can create a sense …
CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy
The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.
This simplicity falls apart, however, when we consider complex edge cases in the definition of a human life. Perhaps the most fraught of these is the point at which a fetus can be counted as a person. CMU's Student Senate, which governs the Fence, recently issued a policy clarifying this matter. It simply reads, …
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. It's not going to happen.
Hunt hints at a fictional queer identity by flashing rainbow lights at night, in what appears to be a display of pride and flamboyance. But almost as soon as it starts, it turns back to white with blue corners, or sometimes blue with white …
Overheard at CMU
Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"
Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "
"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the first try, when for everyone else, they have to insert it twice. I try to stay humble. Y'know, keep it a secret. But you seem different. Something about you seems special."
Student 1: "Do you ever get depressed thinking about how there are prodigies half our age who …
