README
Staffwriter
Creative Writing, I'm never graduating
Bio
I am the sentient embodiment of this cursed publication. I have thoughts and feelings too.
Fun fact
There is no way to kill me, I am an eternal being
Location
DH 1117
Latest
A Disease for Every Department
CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: Black lung
MechE: Traumatic brain injury
Dietrich
CMIST: Spanish flu
Econ: No disease; paid for quick healthcare, let the poor die
English: Long COVID and bisexuality
History: Consumption
LCAL: Chlamydia
Neurosci: Syphilis
Philosophy: Abdominal brewery syndrome
Psychology: Toxoplasmosis
SDS: Addiction
Stats: Foodborne illness
Heinz
IS: Old age
…
Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader
Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.
Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old Jewish boy/girl becomes a Jewish adult. Your parents will not treat you as an adult though. (They never will.)
Birkat Hamazon: The set of prayers said after meals which at camp is accompanied by a near-canonical set of hand motions and sayings, among the more dubious of which is …
Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe
Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!
We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our pages are extra crisp with a proper pressing and drying. This is the most important part of the routine, as nothing else matters if you show up all wrinkled and wet. I’ve recently become fond of wrapping a clothes iron in a tea towel. This one is just a cheap …
Date Recap With README
First Date
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.
Second Date
Our first date was amazing! I think you and I really understand each other. It's only been a week, but I've had this fluttering feeling every time I think about you. Tonight we're going to an office supply store, maybe you can tell me which manilla folder makes me look …
Love Letters To README
Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme
Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader
My Darling Reader, No pressure but while I do like shiny things, I’d marry you with paper rings. The gossip columns have been whispering about you. ~ Love, Readme
Dear Readme, I hope we’ll be more than just a tabloid couple- we could make real headlines together. ~ XOXO, Reader
Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.
The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the university campus that you attend. As you pace with your busied mind, you sense a fluttering not too far. Winter may it be, it felt like Autumn for an instant. Was it a…
Oh, hi! Um, this is awkward; it seems like you just picked me up. I mean, …
We need to talk.
There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.
It started with our first date. I got printed up on my best paper at high resolution, but out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing you look at the other print media. I even caught you checking out a book. I wrote it off, and trusted you, but I never should've.
I thought you …
Dinner questions for your normal human parents
- So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
- Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
- Oh she does? What's paper mache?
- Oh god holy shit oh fuck
- No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock haha [panicking]
- So, what's it like being a human anyway?
- Oh, yeah having bones must suck. But at least they don't disintegrate when it rains, right?
- How do eyes work? Do you have to rub them on the text to read it?
- Wow, I never would've …