README
Staffwriter
Creative Writing, I'm never graduating
Bio
I am the sentient embodiment of this cursed publication. I have thoughts and feelings too.
Fun Fact
There is no way to kill me, I am an eternal being
Previous Work
A Disease for Every Department
CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: Black lung
MechE: Traumatic brain injury
Dietrich
CMIST: Spanish flu
Econ: No disease; paid for quick healthcare, let the poor die
English: Long COVID and bisexuality
History: Consumption
LCAL: Chlamydia
Neurosci: Syphilis
Philosophy: Abdominal brewery syndrome
Psychology: Toxoplasmosis
SDS: Addiction
Stats: Foodborne illness
Heinz
IS: Old age
MCS
Bio: Anthrax
Chem: Acute poisoning
Math: Common cold
Physics: Acute radiation poisoning
SCS
AI: Inbreeding depression
Comp. Bio: Prion disease
CS: Scurvy
HCI: Contact dermatitis
Robotics: Repetitive strain injury
Tepper
Business: Parasitic infection
Econ: Cancer
Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader
Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.
Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old Jewish boy/girl becomes a Jewish adult. Your parents will not treat you as an adult though. (They never will.)
Birkat Hamazon: The set of prayers said after meals which at camp is accompanied by a near-canonical set of hand motions and sayings, among the more dubious of which is the classic “I swear I saw her bra.”
Chag sameach: Hebrew for happy holidays!
Fiddler on the Roof: A classic.
Four questions: The thing you still have to sing during Passover because you are still the youngest at the seder despite being old enough to vote and own a gun.
Gefilte fish: an Ashkenazi gelatinous fish loaf; It’s good I promise, just maybe not the first 2000 times you try it.
Goy: a gentile (non-Jewish person), but in yiddish because readme can't spell well enough to risk using the word ~~genital~~ gentile
Hashem: the one you call on at every minor inconvenience
Hamentashen: Geez you try to kill the Jews one time and now they eat a cookie that looks like your hat for the next 2400 years; also somehow the least Jewish cookie you’ll find in a New York City bakery
Jewish Geography: ‘Oh where in Brooklyn?’
Maccabeats: Every year twenty balding former Yeshiva University students, will release a banger of an acapella parody that will get sent to every synagogue email list in the matter of minutes, as G-d intended.
Matzah: The shitty cracker-like unleavened bread we eat on Passover that non-Jews seem to actually like for some fucking reason.
Mazel tov: Congratulations; Said often during bar/bat mitzvahs to distract from the crushing loneliness of middle school
Passover: Like Easter but instead of finding brightly colored eggs you have one hard boiled egg you put on a plate next to some bitter herbs and animal bones. Also instead of a magical rabbit there's bitter herbs you eat on step 9 of 15 steps of a minimum 3 hour service. Actually not at all like Easter but if you want to get drunk and cry for religious reasons boy do I have a holiday for you.
Purim: The holiday that’s much closer to the release of this issue, Purim celebrates the time the Jews of Persia were allowed to kill anyone trying to kill them, after which they all got super wasted. Jews of today are encouraged to get super wasted on Purim in their honor. Also just Jewish Halloween.
Shabbat: Day of rest. Most CMU students don’t celebrate. Also the holiest day of the week to have sex. Most CMU students don’t celebrate.
Shabbos Kodesh: fancy way of saying shabbat
Schlemiel: ‘one who spills their soup’, often upon the unfortunate schlimazel
Schmuck: only an idiot like you wouldn’t know
Shul: another word for temple
Seder: The ‘let’s eat’ part of ‘They tried to kill us, We survived, Let’s eat’
Seder plate: a boiled egg, a shank bone, bitter herbs, horseradish, a vegetable and haroset (mix of chopped fruit and nuts meant to resemble mortar) on a plate. Honestly a pretty normal combination of things to put on a plate. Could not think of a more normal combination of things to put on a plate.
Sukkah: Go touch some grass and find out in person
Temple: another word for shul
Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.
The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the university campus that you attend. As you pace with your busied mind, you sense a fluttering not too far. Winter may it be, it felt like Autumn for an instant. Was it a…
Oh, hi! Um, this is awkward; it seems like you just picked me up. I mean, it’s cool, I’m used to it, I guess I just wasn’t expecting someone so…
Um… Sorry! Sorry, you should totally just read me, don’t worry about it. I’m full of advice, rankings, updates around campus, probably a sports section— usually. This issue there’s a, oh, a Valentine’s Day thing going on… Well, that sucks. I don’t have a date. I mean, same as last year, right? I’m a tabloid. I’m made to be read. Nowhere else I’d rather be.
So, while you get started reading, are you just taking a break from work, or are you headed to class soon?
(tell the ReadMe what you’re up to)
I see. That’s great for you, or maybe awful. Anyway, I just got printed this last Tuesday. It was really warm, I got to meet all the other READMEs. I was worried that I might have an error. I probably do, but that’s okay, right? I think little mitsakes like that make you who you are.
Hey, this is probably a weird thing to ask, but do you ever feel like the wind might just blow you away? I just always feel like— you probably don't get that, forget I said anything? Sorry, I don’t think I’ve told anybody that before. But, to put it simply, I feel like there's never been anything holding onto me. Well, until…
Y’know, you’re really easy to talk to. We should talk more, yeah? Okay, I’ll see you soon.
Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe
Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!
We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our pages are extra crisp with a proper pressing and drying. This is the most important part of the routine, as nothing else matters if you show up all wrinkled and wet. I’ve recently become fond of wrapping a clothes iron in a tea towel. This one is just a cheap Black & Decker one. If you don’t have access to an iron, I used to air dry overnight under a heavy book, but this method saves me so much time.
Next up is the print quality! You want to do justice to the time spent on your crisp and straight pages. Typically I would recommend 600 DPI for your usual getup, but 300 DPI is fine for something thrown together. Because today is a special occasion, I’m taking the time to be printed at 1200 DPI! Be mindful that increasing resolution does scale the time it takes per page exponentially and can take a long time, but it’s well worth it. Some people think it’s worthwhile to save time by getting printed from dedicated print shops, but I personally don't.
Finally for a special touch, we’re adding in a special flair through the inclusion of a pink leaflet. Longtime readers will be familiar with my typical style guide, which typically uses only black and white content. Even now you should still be focusing on the quality of the contrast of a black and white print, but some of the focus is taken off by the pink leaflet. It really sets a more flirtatious and romantic atmosphere and can offset the more sterile and academic tone from the pure black and white I typically use.
As a final touch, we’re going to fold ourselves extra neatly just before we leave. A good fold should let you flutter open in the touch of your reader. It will show the eagerness you feel for the date and set you up for success. And that's my morning routine for the day! This will really set the tone for the rest of the relationship. See you next time!
Date Recap With README
First Date
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.
Second Date
Our first date was amazing! I think you and I really understand each other. It's only been a week, but I've had this fluttering feeling every time I think about you. Tonight we're going to an office supply store, maybe you can tell me which manilla folder makes me look best :)
I do have to say one thing though...um...while we were there at the library, I noticed you checking out another piece of media. I trust you to stay loyal, and I know it's hard not to stare when they had such a revealing cover, but it just made me feel a little insecure.
Third Date
I'm glad we could communicate like that, and I'm sorry if I made you think I didn't trust you. But that's all in the past tonight we're going to go see a movie! It's supposed to have a really sad scene. I hope my ink doesn't run. Maybe we can hold hands, look into each others eyes...maybe you'll take me back to my place and fold me backward >:)
Fourth Date
So, we've been dating for a while. What do you think about meeting each other's parents? I'm scared my dad won't like you, he's a bit of a hardcover. But anyway, for tonight, I made us plans for something big: skydiving! I'll just float down in the wind. It's a little scary, but I can put on a brave font face.
Dinner questions for your normal human parents
So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock haha [panicking]
So, what's it like being a human anyway?
Oh, yeah having bones must suck. But at least they don't disintegrate when it rains, right?
How do eyes work? Do you have to rub them on the text to read it?
Wow, I never would've thought of any of this. Do you use your rectum often?
Ohhh I see. And surely newspaper would never be involved in this process?
Does being human mean you have to worry about your appearance in three dimensions instead of two?
So you never get ironed by your mother when you come home all soggy and wrinkly?
Did they not invent glue yet when the whole JFK thing happened?
Is putting on clothes straight from the dryer sort of like being fed through a laser printer?
What about being born?
What about having sex? Not even like a laser printer at all?
Love Letters To README
Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme
Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader
My Darling Reader, No pressure but while I do like shiny things, I’d marry you with paper rings. The gossip columns have been whispering about you. ~ Love, Readme
Dear Readme, I hope we’ll be more than just a tabloid couple- we could make real headlines together. ~ XOXO, Reader
We need to talk.
There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.
It started with our first date. I got printed up on my best paper at high resolution, but out of the corner of my eye, I kept seeing you look at the other print media. I even caught you checking out a book. I wrote it off, and trusted you, but I never should've.
I thought you had changed, but just the other minute, I caught you reading the Tartan. I can't believe that after so many years, you'd go behind my back and read another newspaper. My parents were right about you after all.
I thought we had something, dear reader. I really thought this was going to work. I trusted you and you took advantage of me. I'm sorry, but I'm breaking up with you. My lawyer will serve you the divorce papers later–maybe you can go make out with those too.
