Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis
Chief Technical Officer, Staffwriter
ECE, 2028
Bio
Part time student, full time silly goober
Fun Fact
3 racoons in a trenchcoat
Previous Work
I Just Shat Myself in a Macys
Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didnât know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies
I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where the bathroom was
There is no bathroom in this Macys
I really have to poop
But there is not bathroom
I just shat myself
I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now Iâm Glowing
My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I ate the whole box of tic tacs. Please help I am now glowing radioactive. (I also ate a glow stick but that is probably unrelated) THe gllowies got to me heheherwhehhehreweherwherwhewehwehwhehwehwhehwhehwhehehhe hehwehewhewhehewhewhewhehehehwhehewehewhhehehehheewrhherw . Thbey are going to send me to an institution hehehehehe. WIth the glowies. The glowie jail they are going to jail me for seeing the truth. They dont want me to see the truth they cant see the truth i am the truth the glowies are the truth there is no truth there is no glowies what is a glowies what is in my wall the glowies are in my walls i love eating the cotton candy in the walls. Yummy insolatn yummy yopummy oh so tasty i eated all the wall candy i love drywall it is so tasty. Never call poison control they dont let you eat the drywall. They want to eat the drywall themselves poison control could never handle the raw unadultrated power of the glowies i need to meat the glowies the gloweis are so nice the glowies watn wats best for me. Poinson control hates me. They dont want to see me succeed. Posin control tells me to âcheck the carbon monoxide batteriesâ poison controll hates me. They want me to spend all of meny on battiers. I would nevef spend my money on batiers they die just like the glowies and poison control. I cant die i am god. Why are you taking me to an instatution?
My mommy says I can't go to war
My mommy said I canât go to war.
My mommy said I canât go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I canât go to basic training.
My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said Iâm her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in war.
My mommy said I canât drive the tank.
My mommy said I canât have a gun.
My mommy said I canât die on the battlefield in a drawn out war for my country.
So no Mr. Recruiter, I will not give you my name.
The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord
Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat broâs dreams. Here are readmEâs patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.
Tip 1: Your new home might have several maintenance issues, chipped paint, or a kitchen faucet that is held on by a stick of gum and one nondenominational prayer. DO NOT REPAIR THIS. Many tenants will complain about the so-called âlandlord specialâ of painting over problems instead of properly addressing them. To avoid your tenants hating you for landlord-specialing over any problem, simply do not address any problem at all. Ever. In fact, donât even step foot into your new property. By not looking at any problem you donât actually have to fix it. The biohazards canât hurt you if you never actually enter the house.
Tip 2: Many college students may complain that their landlord is overbearing. You can easily avoid this problem by including nothing in the lease. Keep your lease as minimal as possible to avoid having to pay for things like âmold damageâ or âmoveout cleansâ. Your tenants will be secretly grateful because you could have included things in your lease such as âno cars more than 8 years-old on the propertyâ. In fact, by simply not including anything in the lease, your tenants should really be tipping you 5-10% of their rent every month.
Tip 3: Do not respond to anything ever. Your second home is a perfect free money maker. If you have to do things like calling a plumber or electrician, your 100% profit margins will take a dip. ReadMe recommends keeping your phone constantly on do not disturb. Your tenants should not be able to contact you for any reason whatsoever. If your tenants start calling you to make you deal with the horrible plumbing or piles of trash left behind from previous tenants, simply throw your phone into a river. If that does not work and your tenants show up in person, pretend to not speak English. Readme recommends learning a few phrases in German to really sell this performance.
Tip 4: If none of these tips work and your tenants are insistent that you deal with any of the numerous issues on your property, we recommend dealing with one issue and then completely disappearing off of the face of the planet for 2-4 months. Your tenants should be so grateful that you handled the active biohazards in the second floor bathroom, that you shouldnât have to address the live high-voltage wire hanging off of the porch for at least a few months.
Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid
Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.
We've used our decades of collective experience to compile CMU's most comprehensive guide to getting in the kilt of the nearest warm body on campus. You can trust you're getting the real deal: for the 10th year in a row, the Wall Street Journal has ranked us as having more staffers "drowning in pussy" than any other magazine in the country. By the time you finish this brief article, you'll be drowning in it like a Navy SEAL at boot camp. You'll wake up resuscitated on the floor coughing up sex juices like it's pool water from a child's lungs on cold concrete in November. So sit down, put away your notebook, and strap in to strap on.
First, you'll want to consider men. Drop the bar to the ground, and you'll have other things dropping not too long after. To any woman, dear reader, you're like a 2. But to a man, you're something like a 7, maybe higher if he's desperate. And look at him, he is.
Second, go for graduate students. Trust me, they're totally into you. Did your TA make eye contact? She wants you bad. Is your lecturer still pursuing a PhD? They're looking for just the right kind of distraction. If you catch someone over 22 out and about on campus, shoot your shot. Don't even be subtle with it, you both know what you're here for.
Third, carry condoms at all times. You want them in your pockets, on your desk, and spilling out of your backpack. Nothing gets people turned on in an 8 AM lecture like seeing a little strip of foil-wrapped goodies sitting on the floor by your shoe, and that's when you make your move. Plus, it'll be reassuring to those around you to know that you're shielding others from the STDs you're carrying. If you don't have any condoms on you, just walk into the nearest 122 office hours and tell them you need sexual health supplies.
In this day and age, it may seem impossible to find mind boggling amounts of sex on a college campus, but with a little skill, you'll be sleeping around like the best of them. But if none of these tips work, become a TA for a difficult class and desperate almost-failures will be all over you.
Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus
Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMUâs changed a lot since youâve graduated, but donât fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.
Schatz has acquired its first Michelin star.
The premiere dining experience on CMUâs campus is Schatz dining hall. We recommend alumni enjoy a delightful supper. However, be aware that the dress code is strictly enforced, and anything less than a suit will get you evicted from the premises. They didnât pay for 2nd-floor window access for nothing.
Entropy has reasonably priced items.
Following popular demand Entropy has re-evaluated its pricing scheme. The cost of a bag of chips has gone from 1 kidney to $13.99.
Walking to the sky has been extended by 1 foot.
We donât really know why they did this one. Make sure to remind current students that when you were here walking to the sky was a foot shorter. But only âaboutâ, because youâre mostly sure, and it used to seem a little taller anyway back before Gates was installed or whatever.
15-122 is now an easy light hearted class.
Current students donât know the pain they could have suffered. Make sure to point out that when you were here it was a real class and this generation doesnât know how good they have it. You had to walk to check-ins uphill both ways, after all.
CMU Football is all the rage.
Students have finally recognized the talent of our football players. There are rumors of plans for a new, larger football stadium in the works.
Unfortunately Donner is still here.
If there's one thing that will never change about CMU, it's the empty promise that Donner will be torn down. This time they really mean it, guys.
Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo
Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMUâs StuCo program is unique. Itâs better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact based, objective review.
The course has two instructors, both appear to be super-super-super-super-seniors. It is concerning that StuCo allows instructors to teach when they clearly are unable to graduate from CMU in a timely manner. Furthermore, the course seems to have a third instructor in the form of a very large goose. The goose appears to go by the alias âChonk.â Readme reached out to the course instructors, Iliano Cervesato and Anne Kohlbrenner, for comment on the student status of âChonk.â We were told that âthe instructors of 15-122, cannot comment on any human, animal or stuffed entity called âChonk.ââ Readme was assured that â[15-122âs] hiring practice[s] follow the letter of the law and are in full compliance with the GGPA (Giant Goose Protection Agency).â
Furthermore, course instructor Anne Kohlbrenner claims to have ânever encountered giant geese on campus. I can assure you that I am definitely not a goose.â This feels suspicious and readmE has opened the Goose Intelligence Agency (GIA) to further look into these claims. Please call our silly goose reporting line at 412-268-2323 with any information.
The worker status of âChonkâ is not the only cause for concern. The information in this course is dubious at best, and utterly wrong at worst. This course claims that dictionaries implement âhashing.â Dictionaries are large books that do not have social media and cannot contribute to the latest hashtags and trends. We recommend that the instructors enroll in 76-103: Introduction to Books.
Books are not the only common object that the instructors seem to be unfamiliar with. This course claims that trees are isosceles triangles. Furthermore they claim that the root of a tree is at the top, and leaves are at the bottom of the tree. We recommend that the instructors take a trip to Schenley park and familiarize themselves with trees.
Readme reached out to course instructors for comment on the spread of misinformation and was told that â[course instructors] firmly stand behind all the disinformation disseminated by 15-122.â We admire 15-122âs honesty in their dishonesty practices, however, at a top institution like CMU we need to be committed to factual information. We recommend that StuCo take the spread of misinformation seriously and conduct a full investigation into 15-122.
While this course has a disregard for factual information, reAdme does have to commend 15-122 for amassing a large number of students in such a short period. We understand that being a student at CMU is a large time commitment, and we find it very impressive that the student instructors for 15-122 are still able to dedicate so much time to giving students AIVs. For students who received an AIV from 15-122 we recommend taking 98-305: A guide to cheating and succeeding. Furthermore, 15-122 has invented its own language: C0. While readME thinks that this is a bit much for a StuCo, we have to appreciate the dedication that the instructors have to this course (if only they had this dedication to graduating on time).
Ultimately, reaDme recommends that you enroll in 15-122 at your own risk.
An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine
Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell I would not wish upon my worst enemy.
Avid fans of readme know that we publish bi-weekly on Wednesdays. This means we print and distribute copies of readme on Tuesday evenings. I have just been informed that we are not publishing on Wednesday this week. Is this a sign from god that he finally loves me? In an ideal world everyone would have a rough draft of their content in by Sunday night. Does this happen? NO. Every two weeks like clockwork, articles slink into the drive on Monday. Every time this happens I am reassured that next issue we will enforce a strict Sunday night deadline. Does this happen? NO.
I have a family [Editors node: we are unable to fact check this claim, he just spawned here one day and hasnât left.] My mother hasnât heard from me in a year. My doctor thinks Iâm developing scurvy because all I do all day is sit here and beg people to send me articles. I havenât seen the outside in months. Please free me. You would think that when we finally publish each issue, my torment might end LIES. I, by virtue of being the only person in this organization who can do anything in a remotely timely manner, also manage our website content ( you should go check out cmureadme.com. Itâs a good website). I pride myself on uploading all of our content to the website day of. Youâd think this would be simple. NO. We have a shared Google Drive folder, yet each week without fail there is an article or image that is just missing from this folder. I then get to embark on the lovely process of hunting through Discord messages to locate these treasures.
Every week I am promised that the next issue will not be done in a last minute rush. I am Sisyphus, and the timely publication of this dear magazine is my boulder.
Editor's note: Guys I swear this magazine runs on a very reasonable schedule. Wait what do you mean we are printing right now?
I Hate Baker-Porter
Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMUâs campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no oneâs done it yet.
Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. Where does Baker end and Porter start? No one knows. The hallway is so long by the time you reach the other end you lose your will to live. Baker-Porter consumes the entire South side of the mall, and we let it get away with it. Soon it will try to take over Hunt, then Ansys, then Scaife, then Hamerschlag, then Roberts, then Scott, and finally it will come for my precious Wean. Do we really want the Baker-Porter-Hunt-Ansys-Scaife-Hamerschlag-Roberts-Scott-Wean building? NO. If we do not act now it will already be too late. When you come back to campus as an alumni every building will be Baker-Porter. Carnegie Mellon University will be Baker-Porter university. Imagine saying that you graduated from Baker-Porter Universityâ lame. This is the future Baker-Porter wants, and we should be scared.
Baker-Porter wishes it was Wean. It will never be Wean. Baker-Porter will never have an ounce of Weanâs simplicity or tact. Baker-Porter is impossible to navigate. The walls on the A level of Baker are plastered with arrows directing you to rooms. There are very few rooms on Baker A, but the place is so terribly designed that massive amounts of signs are needed. Wean knows its place and doesn't try to annex the rest of the mall. Baker-Porter spreads across the mall like some invasive fungus. It is a colony of bacteria in the petri dish of this beautiful campus.
Why does every classroom contain the letter A in its name? Classes are hidden in weird tunnels and corridors and everyone is ok with this. This is not acceptable. Wean has beautifully named corridors and clearly distinguishable floors. Baker-Porter blends into one long deep hell floor. Baker-Porter is a Deitrich building cosplaying as a STEM student. Why is my Concepts lecture in Baker-Porter? This is because the administration feels bad for Baker-Porter and gives into its demands.
Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy
Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, after some careful investigative journalism (that did not include trespassing), our brave journalists were able to pinpoint the intended use of the laser.
According to internal SDC documents, the laser is able to get targeted wheels hot enough to burn them off of opposing teams' buggies. Additionally, CMU students are like cats, and when presented with a laser pointer will go ballistic. This advancement comes on the heels of SDC buggyâs latest scandal, where ââââââââ ââââ with âââ using âââââ.
An anonymous SDC mech explained to READme that the new design was based on the revolutionary thinking of Marjorie Taylor Greene. âI remember her rant on Jewish Space Lasers causing the California wildfires and was inspired to put a laser on top of our buggy.â
The SDC public relations team would like to clarify that even though the idea was based off of a âJewish space laser,â the buggy space laser is ânon-denominational.â Furthermore, SDC buggy would like to clarify that Greed âholds no ill will towards the Jews, and if they need to start another California wildfire anytime soon, Greed is more than happy to help out with a good cause.â
Readme reached out to Sweepstakes to ask if this violated any rules. They responded that because the laser doesnât generate any momentum for the buggy, itâs âperfectly legal.â When asking if firing lasers at other teams broke any safety regulations, Sweepstakes stated that there isnât a policy explicitly banning buggy-mounted laser cannons.
Some drivers are voicing concerns with this safety ruling. A FRINGE driver told reaDme: âI was perfectly fine cramming myself in a carbon fiber tube and going 35 MPH headfirst down a hill, but I draw the line at a laser pointer.â However, not all drivers are concerned with this new advancement. An APEX driver told readME that âthereâs nothing to worry about, SDC is always disqualified before race day.â
Reportedly, CIA has already begun working on responses to this new buggy. Leaked messages show a machine gun mounted to the top of their buggy. A CIA spokesperson told readme that âthis is purely defensive, and only a countermeasure.â
CMU-specific Travel Advisory
With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed âunsafe for Tartansâ. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.
Ukraine
Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?
Spain
If you are going to EspaĂąa over break, please do not come back with an accent. You did not gain your âauthenticâ accent in 7 days, and we all hate you. No one cares that you were in âBarrrrrttttthelonaâ.
Antarctica
The ice caps are melting, it will make you very sad. Also those cute penguins will be brutally mangled and eaten by seals. What's left of the ice caps will be stained red.
Brazil
The weather will remind you that you could have gone to a college where it's sunny and warm year round. Your (not-so) seasonal depression will get worse upon return to Pittsburgh, you have been warned.
Denmark
There are too many happy people in Denmark. CMU has asked students not to travel to Denmark, as they may experience joy, and not return back to campus.
Japan
You are not finding a waifu in Japan. Save yourself the money and spend it on therapy.
Scotland
Students going to Scotland over break are asked to please hide their school spirit. Students are warned that if they mispronounce Carnegie, a group of 30 buff kilted men will rip out their entrails.
Readme gets divorced
I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.
10:06 AM
Readmeâs lawyer has requested that the court remove The Tartan from the trial due to emotional distress. The Tartan is currently blowing kisses to the reader.
10:18 AM
The Tartan has been removed from the room. Before leaving, The Tartan left a kiss on the readerâs cheek. README has turned bright red.
10:42 AM
It is time to begin dividing the assets. Reader wants the ring back, but README is not going down without a fight. README wants back the time they wasted. Things are looking nasty.
11:15 AM
Readme and reader have come to a deal to split everything 50/50. They have both handed over a list of their assets to the judge. A 1 hour recess has been ordered to give time to read over their bank statements.
12:15 AM
Court has re-convened. The judge has come back into the room and looks angry.
12:17 AM
In a dramatic twist, README was using the reader's social security number and credit score for money laundering. This proceeding has taken a whole new turn.
12:24 AM
Reader is sobbing in a corner. Their credit score is ruined. README and lawyer are talking in hushed tones, trying to figure out how to explain this one.
12:52 AM
The doors just broke open. The IRS has been on the hunt for README for years. They just caught up to readme. Readme is an international felon wanted for over 200 counts of money laundering.
1:27 PM
The truth has come out. README has been hopping partner to partner, using their credit score for money laundering, then leaving them out to dry. The Tartan would never. The IRS has put readme in handcuffs.
1:45 PM
README is taken away in a police car. Reader has been standing in a corner looking shellshocked for the last few minutes. The Tartan has come over to console the reader to no avail.
2:13 PM
The reader is hiding in the bathroom fully sobbing. We managed to capture a direct quote: âI canât believe readme would do this to me âŚsobbing sounds I thought we had something special! sniff I can't believe it was all for nothing. Did any of it mean anything? sobs.â
Well there you have it folks. README broke your heart and your credit score. Bet you didnât see those red flags coming. Better luck next time.
Oops Neighbors Lawn is All Gnomes
fuck you this took me three hours. I individually placed every gnome. You have gnome respect for my craft. I can't copy and paste them because then the layers wouldn't be right. Fuck you. You will never understand.
Concepts Releases Merch
The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.
A PSA to check the CO detectors
Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.
I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to eat, to carry, to use those little spindly legs for their clandestine shuffling. The ants are not allowed in the wall. Installing one carbon monoxide detector on each wall is the only thing that keeps the ants away. The ants took my wife Linda. I miss Linda.
Sometimes, when I forget to change the carbon monoxide batteries, the fuzzy guys whisper in my ear. They are so considerate. They give me batteries and tell me Iâm a good boy. I love their soft hair. They are so cuddly. When Iâm with them, I forget that the ants took Linda. The fuzzy guys hate the ants. They will keep the ants away. The ants will not take Linda again.
Sometimes, I feel that the ants want to be friends. I see sympathy in their eyes, their pain, their struggles of being in the walls. They want to escape from the walls. The ants want freedom. The ants beg me to remove the carbon monoxide detectors. I must not succumb to the ants. I love the carbon monoxide detectors.
Sometimes, the ants whisper 15-122 homework answers to me when I sleep. The ants want me to get an AIV. The ants deceive me. The ants trick me. The ants take me for a fool. I am above the ants. The ants are nothing to me. The ants want me to fail out of CMU. The ants flourish in my struggle. The ants are evil.
The ants stole my carbon monoxide detector. They hate me. I will die here. Alone. Suffering. Iliano has caught me. They are taking me away for the AIVs.
Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love
Tâwas a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all a cruel joke from a heartless creator?
The little gay nutcracker sat alone on the cold, barren warehouse rack â until he wasnât. One day a Target worker entered carrying a box of Christmas nutcrackers. The worker placed the box of Christmas nutcrackers on a shelf across from the little gay nutcracker. As the weeks, went by the box of nutcrackers slowly dwindled, until only one sad nutcracker remained at the bottom of the barren box. Christmas came and went, and no one claimed the lonely nutcracker.
In early January, a Target worker moved the sole nutcracker next to the little gay nutcracker, to make room for Valentineâs inventory. The little gay nutcracker did not notice this new acquaintance at first, as he had fully dissociated into the void. Until, one day, he felt a smooth wooden arm brush across his back. âHeyâ a kind voice said. The little gay nutcracker turned his head towards the sound, in front of him was the man of his dreams. Tall, blond, and drop-dead gorgeous. The little gay nutcracker began to blush: perhaps a higher power had heard his wishes. âMy nameâs Friedrich,â mustered the little gay nutcracker. âThatâs a pretty name,â replied the other nutcracker. âIâm Ludwig.â
Friedrich and Ludwig spent every second with each other. When the warehouse closed for the night, they would ride the Barbie cars through the floor and talk the entire night. They had pillow fights in the home decor aisle, movie nights in the tech display. Friedrich tried to fight back his feelings for Ludwig but he couldnât deny his heart pounding in his chest. Everytime he looked into Ludwigâs eyes, he saw forever.
Finally, Friedrich could no longer take it. While Ludwig was asleep, Friedrich snuck into the LEGO aisle and grabbed the largest flower set he could find. He worked the entire night to build a beautiful bouquet of roses for Ludwig. At the end of the night, he snuck back onto the shelf with Ludwig and carefully hid the flowers behind a box of candy canes. When Ludwig woke up, Friedrich knew what he had to do. He grabbed the flowers, got down on one knee and asked âLudwig, will you be my boyfriend?â
âYES!â Ludwig said, pulling his own set of flowers out from behind him. âI was just going to ask you that.â The two nutcrackers hugged and kissed. They had each other, and that was all they needed.
So you're on a couple waitlists
This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, itâs only a pre-req to every single course I need. Despair set in as students with unfortunate registration times (me) panicked about getting graduation requirements. However, there need not be panic. There are many benefits to being on the waitlist, but it's fine as it is.
First, if youâre stressing about taking concepts and 15-122 in the same semester, or planning on registering for whatever weedout course your major requires, donât worry, you wonât have to do these hard courses because you canât get in. You can spend this new found free time making fun of your friends that have to take hard courses (absolute suckers). You donât even have to take easy core courses at 8:00 am because the people with 3:00 pm registration times took them. If you were planning on doing a double major, that burden is lifted off of your shoulders because no way are you ever getting off of the waitlist for any of the courses you need for that second major.
Second, as finals week rapidly approaches, there is no solace in the fact that we have to do this all again in the spring. However, thereâs nothing to worry about! Only being registered for one course means just the one final. I get to spend the last half of finals week laughing at you nerds. Bonus: if you just drop out you never have to take finals again, and then other people (me) can get off of waitlists. Third, you can finally achieve a healthy sleep schedule. CMU students are known to spend 80-plus hours a week doing schoolwork. If you couldnât get the courses you need next semester, fear not, you will have plenty of time to fix your ruined sleep schedule. You can finally go to sleep before 3:00 am. No more late night trips to Scotties to buy a caseload of Celisus for your third all-nighter in a row. You can sleep soundly with the anxiety of getting employed at [insert quant firm here] without taking 15-210. Fourth, you can finally call your mom, with no courses to occupy your schedule you definitely have time to call her. I know you're addicted to your phone, so use it to call her. Why are you still reading this? Go call your mother, she misses you. Itâs not like you're going to get off the waitlist in the 30 minutes you spend talking to her.
18-100 to introduce larger toolkits
ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellonâs campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. However, in recent years the tool kits have not been sufficient. Complaints of the hefty weight of the toolkits have come from freshmen already burdened from carrying their 6-pound 17-inch gaming laptop to and from class. Recent complaints have also included that the tool kit is too small to store the ever-expanding egos of ECE students. Starting spring 2025 each freshman in 18-100 will receive a rolling toolbox. This should keep the strain off the shoulders, and the drawers offer a plethora of storage options for even more labs. The course will now be able to feature a 10th lab, where students are tasked with creating a 1:1 replica MacBook Air.
CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner
With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU announced that it will begin construction on a new, shittier Donner. The new Donner, aptly named Downer will be constructed directly next to the current Donner, so Donner residents are reminded that it could always get worse.
A competition was hosted among the architecture students to design a building just inhabitable enough to be zoned under student housing. Students were given 24 hours and unlimited cans of red bull. Current junior Eshaan Joshiâs design was selected. The building will have 9 total floors, 4 of which are sub-basements, each floor to represent one circle of hell.
To prevent constant flooding only the first floor will have bathrooms and water fountains. The space saved by having bathrooms on each floor will house amenities for the residents. The second floor will contain a practice space for Kiltie band, and the fourth floor will contain a completely blacked out study space for students taking 15-122. The third sub-basement will contain a game room featuring a ping pong table missing the net, a pool table, and random assortment of pool balls, and a vending machine that is never restocked. Each room will be just large enough to be feasible for a forced triple. Students who discover roaches in their room will be billed an extra $150 for housing extra tenets.
Unfortunately, the construction of Highmark was $5 million over budget, so some expenses need to be cut in the construction of Downer. Thankfully CMU students already enjoy constructing buildings for booth, so this year's carnival theme will be the construction of Downer. Students will build the foundations of this new building over the weeklong period, and then CMU will hire a construction crew to finish the rest. The 4 students in civil engineering will be tasked with leading this project, while current architecture students have shifted their studio focus to building popsicle stick dioramas of the new building. This new building will not feature air conditioning or heating, to further cut back on costs. Downer will contain washing machines, but dryers are predicted to be added by 2030, to help spread out the cost.
Many alumni are very excited about this project, especially those who lived in Donner, as they can now say they weren't assigned the shittiest housing on campus. Famous alum, David Tepper, has even agreed to donate a rotting whale carcass to serve as the new houseâs mascot.