A Dead Jellyfish
Staffwriter
being stepped on, 2029
Bio
A Dead Jellyfish washed up on Racoon State Park Beach on August 15th, 2025. After 48 minutes, it became dehydrated and died. All the water in its body evaporated, and the body decomposed over a period of several days. Freed from its mortal coil, A Dead Jellyfish joined reAdme as a journalist and editor and has since discovered the difficulty of operating a keyboard with incorporeal tentacles.
Fun Fact
Prior to its death, A Dead Jellyfish was a 4,000-year-old Turritopsis dohrnii.
Previous Work
Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim
Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There were seven people sitting at this table, which would mean Jeff had to divide the cake into seven pieces. However, seven was a very inconvenient number of cake slices to cut, so even though fruitcake was his favorite, Jeff decided to forgo a slice so that he would only have to cut the cake into six pieces.
An older cadet, Sally, recognized this maneuver, having performed it many times herself during plebe year. She, too, declined dessert, frustrated that Jeff was trying to get out of the hazing she once had to go through. Now, Jeff was forced to cut the cake into five pieces. Unfortunately, Jeff’s hands were shaking as he put the knife into a glass of water to clean it, causing it to clink against the sides. Jeff tried to remove the knife from the glass, but his trembling sent the glass tumbling to the floor, where it shattered. Even though Jeff was now standing in a pile of broken glass, he knew he could not leave without first finishing the slicing of the cake.
Jeff managed to finish dividing the cake into fifths. Sally leaned over the fruitcake, inspecting it closely. She found that the third cut Jeff had made was 0.3˚ off. Struck with horror at his failure, Jeff jumped. Unfortunately, Jeff was still holding the knife, and Sally was still leaning over the cake. Sally managed to jerk back in time to save her eyeball from getting punctured, but at the cost of her eyebrow. Sally faceplanted into the fruitcake, getting blood and a disembodied eyebrow on the dessert. In the commotion, Jeff fell backwards and landed in the pile of glass, lodging several shards in his posterior.
Everyone else at the table rushed to attend to Sally. Another cadet, Ignatius, tried to get the cake out of the wound where her eyebrow had once been and accidentally knocked several crumbs onto Ermintrude. In retaliation, Ermintrude grabbed a huge handful of the fruitcake and shoved it into Ignatius’s face, causing him to accidentally swallow Sally’s eyebrow. A dried prune in the fruitcake also knocked out several of Ignatius’s teeth, which he then choked on.
Eventually, several nearby officers noticed that the situation had escalated beyond the customary hazing and performed the Heimlich maneuver on Ignatius. Jeff, Ignatius, and Ermintrude were all summarily expelled from West Point. Sally was honored by the academy president for her efforts to uphold the sanctity of an important West Point tradition. Questions remain as to whether Sally will forever remain one-eye-browed.
Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable
BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is not a suitable environment for childbirth, referencing the statistic that 6% of women die in childbirth already. Giving birth in an unsanitary stable surrounded by donkeys, cattle, and goats raises the possibility that Mary will contract donkey-borne illnesses such as leptospirosis or brucellosis, increasing her chance of death to 19%. Celsus, an up-and-coming dermatologist from Rome, declares that the best environment for childbirth is “one devoid of disturbances such as braying, mooing, bleating, or indiscriminate hay-munching.” Celsus also expresses concern that goats, known to have diverse appetites, will try to bite the infant’s hair as it exits the birth canal. The owner of the manger is now facing criticism for allowing a pregnant woman, whose odds of dying were already 35%, to give birth in a stable instead of evicting some less needy guest.
Several magi were also present at the scene, each of them having brought gifts to aid the dangerous birth. One of them, Balthasar, testifies, “I was alerted of this important matter by an angel who gave me a dream to warn me of the poor mother’s 47% chance of dying in childbirth.” Balthasar presented a gift of frankincense to mask the smell of the animals. Another, Melchior, brought a sizable amount of gold to pay for any medical fees – or, if all else fails, funeral fees – incurred from the risky barnyard birth. Gaspar’s present of myrrh should help reduce inflammation in Mary and lower her risk of death to 66%.
Mary’s husband, Joseph, was also questioned as to why he did not seek out better lodging for his nine-months-pregnant wife. Joseph, calm in the knowledge that his wife bore the son of God and that such births have only an 85% mortality rate, points out that “the hay was the perfect substance with which to soak up blood without leaving too much of a mess.” This reporter is especially worried about the infant’s current proximity to the donkey, having been bitten rather painfully by said donkey. Mary was unavailable for comment, suffering from sepsis after having contracted an infection and potentially about to join the ranks of the 99% of women who die in childbirth.
Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare
After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit their families in months, hoping to desert their sacred duty to make the billionaire Andrew Carnegie more money. The strikers should rest easy knowing that their hard labor is going into the construction of libraries and museums they will never be able to see.
The Amalgamated Association of Iron and Steel Workers (AA) is promising workers a life of luxury and ease that they, unlike Andrew Carnegie, have not earned. Furthermore, the AA is only increasing inequality within the workplace by allowing only skilled workers into their ranks. The AA is forming an exclusive club that allows skilled workers to slack off while their unskilled counterparts are hard at work supporting the military industrial complex.
The strike culminated in egregious and shocking acts of violence committed by factory employees. Steelworkers tried to burn Pinkerton agents alive on their barges as they tried to approach the factory to negotiate, and attacked them even after they surrendered. Our hearts go out to the families of the two Pinkerton agents brutally murdered while sailing down the Ohio River on an innocent joyride that happened to pass the site of the strike. Andrew Carnegie defends his decision to implement high-pressure water cannons against the strikers, saying, “We protected ourselves with ingenious technology, just as the poor villagers of yore poured boiling oil down on the marauding Vikings who besieged them.”
As we all know, the devil finds work for idle hands of strikers. Discussions are now underway about building a school to institutionalize the grindset and train a new generation of morally upstanding workers to add to the wealth and reputation of Andrew Carnegie.
An Open Letter to William Shakespeare
How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!
Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.
Thy plays draw foolish sheep like flies to mead,
Deserting Sunday mass for comedy.
Marry, that time is better spent to read
That holy, worthy folio, ReadethMe!
To lull the mind with idle merriment
Shall push literacy into decline.
Thy noble patron in his golden raiment
Grows bored of poetry in which thou pinest:
Thy “Fair Youth Sonnets” published for his love
Replace with readEthme – a truer art!
Thy kickywicky’s close to heav’n above;
Thy fry as well from plague shall soon depart.
And when thou hast lost all, take one last blow:
Thy work attributed to vain Marlowe.
We pray the Globe Theatre burneth down posthaste.
The Editors of reaDethmE
Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion
A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient X tosses and turns in their luxurious quad beneath a red velvet blanket. Lavender handkerchiefs have been supplied for Patient X to delicately hack up blood into. Mudge Mansion RAs implore Dining Services to make a thin gruel for Patient X to subsist on, for they have no stomach for even emergency ramen and their frail body will surely waste away without sustenance.
UHS has been tasked with providing a treatment plan. They have prescribed Patient X with bed rest, giving them a brief but blissful reprieve from attending lectures. Windows in Mudge Mansion must remain open at all times to give Patient X respite from foul air. Maintenance is in the process of converting the balcony of Mudge Mansion into a solarium for Patient X to experience the benefits of heliotherapy and to soak in the fresh city air. If Patient X’s condition improves, they will begin daily calisthenics at the koi pond. Discussions are underway to convert booths into chalets to further isolate Patient X from the rest of Mudge Mansion.
If the ailment spreads, Farnam himself will consider converting the top floor of Mudge Mansion into a sanatorium. Some protest that Patient X should be sent to Saratoga Springs for more comprehensive and specialized treatment while others have expressed concerns that Patient X would be enticed to transfer to Skidmore by their superior dining hall and freshly baked cookies. Other residents of Mudge Mansion are advised to pull all-nighters in the library to avoid contact with Patient X.