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A Dead Jellyfish

A Dead Jellyfish

it/its

Staffwriter

being stepped on, 2029

Bio

A Dead Jellyfish washed up on Racoon State Park Beach on August 15th, 2025. After 48 minutes, it became dehydrated and died. All the water in its body evaporated, and the body decomposed over a period of several days. Freed from its mortal coil, A Dead Jellyfish joined reAdme as a journalist and editor and has since discovered the difficulty of operating a keyboard with incorporeal tentacles.

Fun fact

Prior to its death, A Dead Jellyfish was a 4,000-year-old Turritopsis dohrnii.

Location

The beach

Latest

Warning

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” stand at the intersection of Forbes and Morewood on the day of the death.

“It started off as a completely normal day,” Susan reported. “God had sent me someone to test my patience and strength of faith – a godless CMU student who was trying to debate the date …

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, I relate this to my slutty little waist. My waist is so slutty, and if you want to find out more you can contact me at 412-

Q: I don’t see how your waist is relevant. Now, which of your classes do you enjoy the most?

A: My …

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There were seven people sitting at this table, which would mean Jeff had to divide the cake into seven pieces. However, seven was a very inconvenient number of cake slices to cut, so even though fruitcake was his favorite, Jeff decided to forgo a slice so that he would only have …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is not a suitable environment for childbirth, referencing the statistic that 6% of women die in childbirth already. Giving birth in an unsanitary stable surrounded by donkeys, cattle, and goats raises the possibility that Mary will contract donkey-borne illnesses such as leptospirosis or brucellosis, increasing her chance of death to 19%. …