A Dead Jellyfish
it/its
Staffwriter
being stepped on, 2029
Bio
A Dead Jellyfish washed up on Racoon State Park Beach on August 15th, 2025. After 48 minutes, it became dehydrated and died. All the water in its body evaporated, and the body decomposed over a period of several days. Freed from its mortal coil, A Dead Jellyfish joined reAdme as a journalist and editor and has since discovered the difficulty of operating a keyboard with incorporeal tentacles.
Fun fact
Prior to its death, A Dead Jellyfish was a 4,000-year-old Turritopsis dohrnii.
Location
The beach
Latest
CMU Finals rife with cheating
A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through the head of the person in the next row and view their exam paper. Knowing such a pursuit would be laughably fruitless, the proctor at first paid this strange behavior no mind. However, as the cheater continued to glance back down at their exam paper and back up at the …
Warning
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Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD
Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?
A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, I relate this to my slutty little waist. My waist is so slutty, and if you want to find out more you can contact me at 412-
Q: I don’t see how your waist is relevant. Now, which of your classes do you enjoy the most?
A: My …
Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud
Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” stand at the intersection of Forbes and Morewood on the day of the death.
“It started off as a completely normal day,” Susan reported. “God had sent me someone to test my patience and strength of faith – a godless CMU student who was trying to debate the date …
Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim
Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There were seven people sitting at this table, which would mean Jeff had to divide the cake into seven pieces. However, seven was a very inconvenient number of cake slices to cut, so even though fruitcake was his favorite, Jeff decided to forgo a slice so that he would only have …
Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable
BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is not a suitable environment for childbirth, referencing the statistic that 6% of women die in childbirth already. Giving birth in an unsanitary stable surrounded by donkeys, cattle, and goats raises the possibility that Mary will contract donkey-borne illnesses such as leptospirosis or brucellosis, increasing her chance of death to 19%. …
An Open Letter to William Shakespeare
How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!
Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.
Thy plays draw foolish sheep like flies to mead,
Deserting Sunday mass for comedy.
Marry, that time is better spent to read
That holy, worthy folio, ReadethMe!
To lull the mind with idle merriment
Shall push literacy into decline.
Thy noble patron in his …
Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare
After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit their families in months, hoping to desert their sacred duty to make the billionaire Andrew Carnegie more money. The strikers should rest easy knowing that their hard labor is going into the construction of libraries and museums they will never be able to see.
The Amalgamated Association of Iron …
Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion
A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient X tosses and turns in their luxurious quad beneath a red velvet blanket. Lavender handkerchiefs have been supplied for Patient X to delicately hack up blood into. Mudge Mansion RAs implore Dining Services to make a thin gruel for Patient X to subsist on, for they have no stomach for …