Wade Cheng
Staffwriter, Webmaster
StatML, DC '27
Bio
Sometimes sillying. Periodically serious'd.
Fun Fact
Loved 122 (weirdo)
Previous Work
Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU
Introduction
When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but by indefatigable electricity and steel.
Unfortunately, at our own Carnegie Mellon University, residents have bought in so heavily to indefatigable electricity and steel that 98% of all elevator use on campus is used to traverse a single floor (Et Al and others, 2021). This causes wasteful energy consumption—as expensive as maintaining the Orientation Tent when compared by the day on non-summer school days (Et Al and the other others, 2020)—and aggravated foot-tapping of the 58% of people taking the elevator from Wean 4 to Wean 8 who somehow end up stopping on every intermediate floor (Et Al et al., 2018). As a correlational effect, students are noticed to be starved of exercise (Etward Alabama, 2019). But most importantly of all, the stairs are quite sad (Ed Allen, 2012).
We have developed a new methodology that is projected to influence these metrics positively by orders of magnitude. After describing our methods and their tested benefits, we will discuss potential counterarguments regarding this procedure.
Methods and Results
This study introduces a new type of elevator, currently installed in Wean. When a user inputs a commute of one floor, a secret door opens opposite the main elevator entrance. Thwarted in their attempts to circumvent exercise, and presented with a quick, easy, and free alternative, we found that after a trial period of one week, 87% of users faced with the open stairwell opted to use it for their one-floor trip instead of waiting for the elevator to slowly close and proceed to the rest of its destination queue. We find it interesting to mention that a large majority of the remaining users took the elevator up two floors, then took the stairs down: a less effortful endeavor compared to ascending outright, at the cost of time.
Overall, we have found a 500% increase in stair usage, a major success, and will likely reproduce our experiment in elevators campus-wide in future work.
Discussion
We conclude with some common perceived pain points we received during user interviews.
“Why do this? Just add one more lane, one more lane will fix traffic flow this time.”
While, at the surface level, a traffic clog in the Wean staircase between classes may seem to cause students to use the elevator as an alternative, we found that this was not the case. Students who use the stairs for one route practically always use the stairs, even during traffic congestion; similar patterns are true for elevator users. Maybe you would find some better luck applying this idea to our highway system.
“You still use O(n) energy.” What does this even mean? You should always define n, unless the term’s meaning is heavily implied (and even then, if you’re completing your latest 15122 written). Are you saying that we have exchanged one energy expense per one-floor elevator travel and opening for one energy expense per secret passageway opening? In that case, remember that in the real world, constant factors do matter; the power used to open doors close doors, increment a floor, open doors, and close doors is much more than simply opening and closing a set of doors.
“I use a wheelchair, suffer from a mobility impairment, am carrying a heavy object, etc.”
Just take the elevators up three floors and down two. There’s a small enough minority of you all that you can use the elevators in a more expensive way while not impacting the overall energy use significantly. Call that amortization, or something.
README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0
We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and three-half turn long game. But in a nauseating turn of events, RandomBot blundered the king straight into the { x ∈ ℝ | 155 < x < 195 } file, losing immediately to a trivial capture by the rook. The future of rotchess isn't looking good for developer Wade Cheng as Lockheed Martin considers pulling out funding: "We were promised an implementation for the intercontinental ballistic missile gambit, but it can barely keep itself out of check. Who let this idiot on the payroll?"
175,325 to 175,225
375,325 0rad to 0.51173rad
75,75 to 75,175
K225,25 3.14159rad to -2.63673rad
375,325 to 326.03059,237.81056
25,325 0rad to -0.40122rad
75,175 to 75,275
325,75 to 325,175
Q175,375 to 175,275
25,325 -0.40122rad to 0.09966rad
175,75 to 175,175
25,75 3.14159rad to -2.02807rad
R375,375 to 375,275
175,225rad to 0.92577rad
75,275 to 125,325
375,753.14159rad to 2.04415rad
R375,275 to 225,275
B125,375 0rad to -2.33055rad
125,325 to 75,375
B275,25 3.14159rad to -0.80829rad
B125,375 to 117.75000,92.25022
175,225 to 95.09141,164.87830
K225,375 0rad to 2.98350rad
275,75 to 275,175
N325,25 3.14159rad to -1.31169rad
Q175,275 to 175,175
95.09141,164.87830 0.92577rad to -0.99649rad
N325,25 to 302.29024,134.47267
B275,25 -0.80829rad to 0.49555rad
Q175,175 to 175,25
R225,275 0rad to 0.60554rad
K225,25 to 181.23792,49.18430
R25,25 3.14159rad to -1.10367rad
R225,275 to 175,275
95.09141,164.87830 -0.99649rad to 0.26916rad
R375,25 to 325,25
R325,25 3.14159rad to -0.92016rad
R175,275 to 175,75
Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number
As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up there. The fear of death that comes from doing multidimensional calculus at that height—gusts of wind blowing your notes around, the ledge so perilously close to your study nook, pset deadline three minutes away and ticking down fast—it was really just an immense boost to my productivity. I haven’t been able to focus so well since I was an undergrad. But now I can visit my alma mater, finally get some work done, and zap some pretentious CMU students all in the same visit? I wouldn’t pass it up for the world.”
Luckily for us, a recent email from the War Director at CMU states that Carnegie Mellon’s new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness and Athletics, replacing the now-demolished Skibo Gym, is on schedule to provide necessary shelter in the form of yet another turtle on campus.
As we all know, turtles have hard shells on their backs. Additionally, arbitrary cross sections of turtles' shells are smooth concave surfaces, and as such are suitable for deflecting lasers (see helpful graphic). The Director assures that the combined coverage of Wean, Gates, and the new Highmark Center will give CMU ample cover to remain safe under the watchful eye of Upitt's laser cannons constructing on top of the Cathedral.
Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time
13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time
SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.
(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)
SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh! Uh, sorry to interrupt, but can I go by a different name? Don’t want mine on the record in case any rabid tech fans try to track me down.
SAFFRON: Alright, he wants to go by a pseudonym. Sure, shoot.
BARTHOLOMEW: Oh uhhh, fuckin, can you make me Andrew Carnegie? But like, every seventh letter in Comic Sans and then tilt the last name like, four degrees clockwise and th—
SAFFRON: Fuck you we’re calling you Bartholomew now. Bart, why don’t you tell us about what you were so eager to show us?
BART: Yeah! See, the tech world’s been in uproar since you revealed in your guys’s first print that ChatGPT was actually just some guy. Now everyone’s scrambling to become the next big name in actual artificial intelligence. I’m very pleased to say that my team and I have been working on our own project for quite a while, and I think now is the perfect time to announce: Project Chris—the forefront, the real cutting edge of modern technology in artificial intelligence.
(SOUND OF SQUEAKY WHEELS)
SAFFRON: Alrightyie then. You’ve got a little demonstration for us? Take it away.
BARRY: Yep! A quick conversation to showcase the real power of our new chatbot. Alright, Christopher, how are you doing today?
MICROSOFT SAM: Doing today.
BARTHOLOMEW: Aw man, same. We all sure are just doing. But don’t worry, we can power through. Now, what should we discuss?
MICROSOFT SAM: Discuss?
BARTHOLOMEW: Should we talk about the meaning of life? Something with some crazy philosophical value? Or should we try to solve some complicated theorem together? Oh I don’t know, maybe you should tell a story? Or talk about how useful a chatbot like you can be?
MICROSOFT SAM: Talk about how useful a chatbot like me can be?
BARTIE: Oh what a wonderful idea!
