Sigmund Maille
Writer by trade, Sigma Male by passion
Alternative Gender Studies, Hustler's University '28
Bio
Despite what you may have heard about me, I do not hate women, rather I just want women to leave me alone, unless, of course, they are interested in going out with me.
Fun Fact
I am literally Ryan Gosling
Previous Work
CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!
Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with eyes full of curiosity and wonder, expecting to be inspired by CMU SCS’s great intellectual minds that will push the boundaries of computer science, dragging the world into an age of technological progress. But, as you approach your fellow computer scientists, hoping to discuss the absolute state-of-the-art discoveries within the field, a grisly fact makes itself apparent: CMU SCS has gone woke! Instead of talking about Rust or HolyC, they start purring and meowing at you. You have been surrounded by cat like femboys with their striped socks, short pleated skirts, and unbelievably slutty waists, beckoning you over like incubi. There is no space here for intellectual computer science discussions, and you may very well become one of them femboys if you linger any longer.
The above account isn’t a pure hypothetical: there are many such cases. As CMU continues to push for DEI in SCS, the level of wokeness in SCS has gotten out of hand. You may be fooled into thinking that DEI is harmless, but its push in SCS is much more insidious than you could ever imagine. As the woke agenda grows stronger, the very values that are foundational to the field of computer science are abandoned.
First, a history lesson. Computer science is a modern application of mathematics, and when examining its history, it becomes clear that these fields have their roots in the Christian tradition. Notably, in Kings 7:13, which reads “And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about.”, we see a calculation of the circumference of a circle. This passage implies an approximation of π = 3, which, although imprecise, is remarkably perceptive for the time, and the fact that this approximation continues to be used by engineers today is a testament to its value. This is proof that the Christian God himself revealed mathematics to man. Even more extraordinarily, this passage clearly references quantum computing, a field of research at the bleeding edge of computer science. One might be easily fooled into believing that the “cubits” being mentioned are only referencing the ancient unit of measurement based on the approximate length of the forearm, when in truth, the original Hebrew word may be alternatively translated to “qubit”, the fundamental unit of information in quantum computing. Therefore, we must be careful not to erase Computer Science’s single most important foundational principle: its connection to God.
Yet, it seems that SCS and the wider field of computer science had already abandoned its Christian roots. In fact, computer science has become so unbelievably woke that Alan Turing, hailed as the father of modern computer science, has abandoned these foundational Christian values by committing the two sins of being gay and committing suicide, after he was (deservedly, I might add) chemically castrated for his abominable sexuality.
So, what is it that God wants man to accomplish? How can we honor the Christian origins of computer science? God, the all-powerful creator of our universe, and hence the only source of objectivity, commands us to “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it” as written in Genesis 1:28. It is therefore an objective and inarguable truth that the purpose of life is procreation and to subdue Earth. Yet, CMU SCS’s woke agenda denies this truth. Whilst, indeed, the direction that SCS is headed in isn’t necessarily incongruent with subduing Earth, as evidenced by my short fling with Earth, a so-called “nonbinary” submissive femboy I had met thanks to CMU Missed Connections, the other part of his command is simply impossible to fulfill. No matter how hard you try, and trust me, I've tried, you can NOT impregnate femboys; even if they’re deliciously sexy with their striped thigh highs, short frilly skirts, and eyelinered bedroom eyes, they simply will not get pregnant. Despite this, SCS keeps on insisting that I be attracted to these femboy programmers, even though I'm not even in SCS! This utter woke nonsense from SCS will assuredly lead to the fall of computer science and the West at large.
It is high time SCS returns to its Christian roots to ensure the steady evolution of the field of computer science. This viral wokeness, if left unchecked, could spell the downfall for CMU… nay, for all of Western civilization.
Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law
Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its official reopening, Scobell House will be closed or risk being repossessed by the Pennsylvanian government to be subsequently demolished.
According to CMU Housing Services, an anonymous student, who is in no way associated with the author of this article, alerted the Pennsylvania government that Scobell House was in violation of at least one state law. As it turns out, and obviously I didn’t know this, it’s illegal for more than 16 women to live in the same house in Pennsylvania. Since Scobell House is an all-women dormitory that houses approximately 80 people, it is a given that there are always at least 17 women living in this house at any given time, and this flagrant violation of Pennsylvania state law will now mean that Scobell House and its residents face deserved punishment.
One has to wonder why the females at CMU have gathered in this one building, even though such an act was clearly illegal. Perhaps these witches have communed to plan the downfall of all that is good in the world. For far too long, we’ve allowed women to do as they please at this institution—let us not forget that the Carnegie Technical Schools began as an all-male institution for the able-bodied and able-minded, both qualities not present in women. The very idea that women could pursue a college degree is surely absurd, as we all well know that women have one purpose in life only, a purpose stated in the immortal words that are inscribed in stone at Margaret Morrison Hall, “To make and inspire the home…” Certainly, a woman's role in society isn't to be educated and become financially independent. To prevent calamity, CMU should strongly consider sending all of the women back to the other side of the fence—to Margaret Morrison—where they belong. I suspect the residents of Scobell House are plotting something right now, just as they did three months, two weeks, and five days ago when one of their kind rejected my very sincere and classy invitation to a date at the Stack’d Underground dessert bar. Surely, they’re scheming right now about how next to utterly humiliate me.
The most likely course of action is for CMU to simply close down Scobell House and relocate its current residents to comply with the 16-women-per-building limit. However, CMU’s administration should strongly consider expelling these students instead, preferably immediately, especially the one who rejected me. Relocating the current Scobellians would only delay the imminent threat they pose to this university. If allowed to fester, the annihilation of our campus will surely be ensured. I am making a very reasonable recommendation here, and I hope the university responds to this request.