Ryan Chernoff

Inside ReadMe Legal

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

One of the most significant duties of our department is to navigate the bureaucratic Red Tape[1] necessary to ensure ReadMe, the flagship newspaper and namesake of ReadMe & Co, maintains its status as a satirical newspaper and the legal protections that come with it. Of course, similar to most legitimate media outlets, ReadMe & Co. achieves this through the creation and deployment of several lobbying firms across the U.S. and its territories as well as the employment of private contractors to engage in persuasive acts with key political figures. Because of our status as a corporate entity, ReadMe & Co also invests hundreds of thousands of dollars into various Super PACs to ensure overwhelming political support in our endeavors. Our CLO, Sir. Maximillian Bartholemow VIII, has even gone so far as to release an official statement underscoring our commitment to ensuring these program have ample funding: “Our bribery [political investment] campaign has done so well that I have made the executive decision to half the salaries of all employees of the ReadMe Record Management Bureau (RRMB) to subsidize it”[2]. This ingenious maneuver had the added benefit of causing over half of the employees of the RRMB to quit, bolstering our bureaucratic relations as we are now able to cite the understaffing of the RRMB as reason to delay and deter[3] investigations from institutions acting on behalf of state, federal, and foreign governments.

Although most of the department’s resources go into bureaucratic relations, most ReadMe Legal staff spend their time protecting ReadMe & Co and its employees from malicious litigation. Every[4] employee at ReadMe & Co is assigned a personal Litigation Manager (LM) from the ReadMe Legal Department. Each LM is responsible for acting on behalf of their assigned employee in all legal matters and are thus entitled to unrestricted access to that employee’s belongings, habitable spaces, and third-party accounts (email, credit card, etc.). Because it is the priority of our department to perpetuate the freedom of all employees, LMs are highly incentivised to exercise extreme competence through a joint-punishment clause in their contracts agreeing to share all civil and criminal sentences with their assigned employee.

This policy is not without fault, however, as the LMs for the staff involved in the biweekly shooting of Benner Rogers[5] find the workplace disproportionately more stressful than other staff. To remedy this, ReadMe & Co. will be adding a pool table to the staff lounge at the end of this quarter. However, in response to several complaints from Rogers’ close friends and family, the ReadMe Legal Department found the Board of Murdering Benner (BoMB)[6] and has already established relations with a contracting firm that specializes in post-mortem rehabilitation. On the urging of our CLO, BoMB will also be allocated resources to assist in the deployment of mechanical devices capable of remotely creating localized sudden and drastic changes in air pressure. This should greatly assist in negotiation efforts with authorities on Benner Rogers related matters henceforth.

It is the hope that in divulging some of the inner workings of ReadMe Legal, we have provided a worthwhile educational experience to the public[7] and alleviated any concerns for the safety and security of ReadMe & Co and its employees. We also hope that this article will act as compliance to any and all current and future subpoenas into the operations of ReadMe Legal. Regardless, we believe that ReadMe Legal is capable of defending ReadMe & Co for the foreseeable future and can ensure that you can continue to rely on ReadMe for your authentic news[8].

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It should be noted that bureaucratic tape is referred to as red to appeal to the common idiom and not to mislead the public on the processes involved in dealing with bureaucratic institutions. If tape was used in one of these processes, we admit that it would most likely be a faded shade of yellow. Sir. Maximillian Bartholemow VIII denies ever making this statement. The use of ‘delay and deter’ to describe the state of the ReadMe Record Management Bureau and their work with regards to investigations into ReadMe & Co is purely hyperbolic. ReadMe & Co does not intend for the means of record keeping to be used to actively interfere with ongoing investigations, but merely lacks the proper resources to ensure records are kept in an organized manner. This excludes employees in the legal department. ReadMe & Co denies all allegations of involvement of any of its employees in the alleged murder of Benner Rogers. We further deny the existence of any former employee by the name of Benner Rogers and allege that no word (let alone crime) by the name of “murder” exists within the English lexicon. The use of the word “murder” in the title of BoMB is purely satirical and is in no way an admittance of guilt in the alleged murder of Benner Rogers. By reading this, you agree that you have in fact learned something and will testify as such if ReadMe & Co should pursue a tax write off for all resources allocated to the creation of the material you have consumed. This is false.

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee as we know the city of Pittsburgh takes great pride in the quality of their criminal activity. We had intended to hire a seasoned professional to contribute to Pittsburgh’s criminal enterprise in a tasteful and constructive way while making up for some of this quarter's heavy losses. However, a lapse in judgment on the behalf of our hiring manager led us to forgo a proper background check of our candidate. We were led to believe that they had Venmo. Clearly, this oversight severely hurt our community and we at ReadMe could not express any more regret. The ReadMe team therefore promises to never let anything like this happen again and to henceforth be nothing but a positive influence on the criminal underground of this great city.

ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for a new dog-watching ring. Very soon you will be able to enjoy some good old fashioned Scotty-Dog kerfuffles without the downsides of committing a class three felony.

But, you may ask, what exactly is dog-watching and how does it differ from dogfighting? Well, dogfighting is legally classified as engaging in one or more of the following: allows dogs to fight for amusement or gain, owns or acquires a dog for fighting, bets or hosts bets on the outcome of dogs fighting, or permits a place under your control in which dogs are fighting.

Now dog-watching differs from this by firstly and most importantly forbidding the amusement of all present. It is clearly dictated that dog fights require amusement by those organizing or spectating so to avoid engaging in illegal dogfighting, there will be several large signs warning patrons to forgo amusement during the dog-watching process. If anyone is amused it is our responsibility to report it as you would be engaging in illegal activity and possibly implicate ReadMe staff as your accomplices.

ReadMe will also not be profiting from these activities in any manner as any profits would be classified as gain and would make the activity illegal. Since it is illegal to acquire a dog for fighting, dog-watching will be hosted in Schenley Park where we will have access to several stray dogs that we can ask politely to fight for our non-amusement.

Although we can’t host bets on the outcomes of fights, there will be unamusing snacks offered. Due to severe economic stress, the price of these snacks will likely fluctuate at the end of each fight. We will therefore compensate everyone for any price differences caused by these fluctuations. All snack profits will be dumped into the Monongahela to avoid gain. Lastly, Schenley is not owned by ReadMe so all dog-watching activities avoid violating any of the Pennsylvania dogfighting laws.

Thanks to ReadMe, you can now engage in legal dog-watching every Saturday from 6 to 8PM ET. Don’t miss your chance to give it a try! After all, It’s only a matter of time until ReadMe reverts my budget changes.