Paid for by: Someone who got their Hanukkah money early
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211
Meat

Meat

HE/him

Intern

Interning, As Long as we keeP him here

Bio

Ian Turner, known typically by his nickname "Meat", is ReAdMe's loyal intern, who does anything we ask him to do, at any hour of any day. Hired during a brief writer's strike, Meat has since integrated very well with the rest of the since-revived staff and become a well-loved and highly valued member of our community. When he isn't writing articles, editing articles, photoshopping images, running our finances, or getting Celsius for our staff, Meat loves going camping in uncharted forests in order to find inspiration for our Cryptid Corner section!

Fun fact

Meat is totally, definitely, completely not trapped on readmE staff and can go wherever he pleases at any time!

Location

DH 1117

Latest

A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.
Meat • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025
A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."
Meat • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025
A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"
Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025
A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.
Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I have seen your
Semi-erect penis

Pigeons cover your grave
And I shouldn’t be surprised
As I am in Central Park
Beady eyed freaks remind me of you
My fists aren’t for the birds
They are for the walrus
And by walrus I mean you

I dig and pry …

"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."
Meat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved bY our carnegie mellon FAMILY, Has fallen under rOugh timeS due To An onGoing strikE. readme’s wrIters, after previously beiNg conTent witHout pay or hEalth benefits, Decided that leading the glamOrous life of sweatsHop workERs was noT enough. in mY opinion, (which is unaffected By Any Standing thrEats) being coMpENsaTed …

[TODO]
Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024
1