John Jahanian

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried in the past- lashings, paternalistic brainwashing, foremen - which are certainly things university administrators should try, but may not be the most effective. This project found that the answer lies in the Yerkes-Dodson law, not external disincentives. The Yerkes Dodson law is a psychological theory stating that humans are most …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, which he refused to pay, while Mr. Joshi went on to buy avocado toast and gold plated toilets. The staff attempted to negotiate with their boss numerous times, and to each Mr. Joshi replied: “there is nothing to negotiate.” After at least 47 attempts to negotiate, the Amalgamated Satire Syndicate …

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, and even ended up interviewing both awake and asleep people to help us answer this very important question. What we found was that people who are awake spend their money on various goods and services², while people who are asleep spend virtually none³ (Or at least the sleeping people we …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in front of our eyes. While one may not hear anti­trans rhetoric from no one other than the schizophrenics putting up posters that "jews are kidnapping our eastern european Page 2 children" , people who worship today's political equivalent of a golden calf, and pickup truck owners, its spirit manifests in …

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of this popular game. On Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024, a group of students were seen chasing each other on bicycles in front of Hamerschlag hall in the morning dew. I at first could not believe my eyes, no one was wearing any helmets, and when I questioned these young folks everything …