Jimothy Yachtsson
Staffwriter
Tepper, 2027
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This guys in Tepper, and he wants you to know it.
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I called Pitt Police to CMU
Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. (Don’t worry, we mostly don’t mean “throw” literally.) Stay tuned to see how CMU PD compares in our next issue.
First, Readme’s investigative journalists needed a crime for Pitt Police to solve. This need was not left needed for very long at all, when Readme’s very own Chimothy Yachtsson …
President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be
This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most important speech.
“I’m here today to warn you about the impending military industrial complex,” the president said solemnly. “It’s gonna be fucking lit, so be prepared for the levels of unprecedented awsomeness some of y'all youngins will see in your lifetime.”
The military industrial complex, or MIC (not …
Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm
As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article before room choices were due but then you’d have taken our advice when choosing your room.
Boss and McGill Houses - Your classic dorms. Both buildings are exactly the same. You’ll be in a quantum state of living in both buildings at once, which is great for having two …
Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'
Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.
Students at the University of Pittsburgh, henceforth Pitt because I’m not writing all that (I’m a business student don’t blame me), historically had low conceptions of CMU. Pitt students think CMU students work on problem sets and… yeah, that’s about it. CMU students don’t sleep, party, or talk to each other at all …
People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed
Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian king Ahasuerus’s wife, at least until Ahasuerus got so royally drunk that he banished Vashti for refusing to appear naked in front of all the partying men for his seven-day-long party. This is widely considered to be within the top three least normal things Ahasuerus did. This required him to …