J. P. Crawfish
Staffwriter
Class of hopefully before 2030 if all goes to plan
Bio
Unknowable and mysterious.
Fun fact
I like the rain
Latest
Another Night in Pittsburgh
The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at the blank paper on my mahogany desk, eluded, baffled, and with an unrelated stubbed toe, when a woman knocks on my door. Genevieve, she called herself.
She was all legs, except for the part of her that was her torso. Also the part of her that was her arms. …
I wrote this article while sober
We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. Play some some tetris. All the blocks fit in together. So perfect. The line, it disappeared. Why? Why did it go? Awayyy. The lights are too bright. Like life. Psshhh. I’m a coward.
Wait, people actually read this?
Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?
I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this magazine out to weigh down the newspaper stands so they don’t blow away in the harsh Pittsburgh weather. I thought that perhaps a passing student could make a fun ReadMe paper hat to amuse themselves in passing, but I never thought someone would read it.
Let me get this …
ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory
It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball game tonight. It’s 1984, and ReadMe is just getting started.
The markets are roaring. The lines are going up and then down a little and then up more. Telephones are getting slammed down at an unprecedented rate. ReadMe needs to move fast.
After countless sleepless nights drinking fine …
Buggy: An Introduction
So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:
1) You are short
2) You went up to the wrong table during club fair, but you didn’t realize and already took a lollipop, so you can’t do anything now except politely scan the QR code
3) You got so lost in Doherty that you ended up in the Stever basement
4) You are a mechanical engineering …