Eshaan Joshi

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, we reported on events like the flood (remember reading about Noah? We covered that.) and the fall of the Roman Empire. Eventually we decided that our purpose was to bring humor to the saddest place in the world, and once CMU was founded, we knew we’d found our forever home. …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free time a month. Naive enough that you'll believe anything you're told. Which is a big problem if anyone gets to you before we do.

So listen up, 'cause we've got some advice. First, the best thing you can do to acclimate is find the biggest guy on your floor …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our own survey. Your move, Tartan.

We'd give you the most desperate person's number but do you really want us matchmaking?

Fuck you Richard I'd be a sexy fucking worm

Take a gander at these dirty whores. Bet they're into you calling them that though.

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to Wean to Hamerschlag
Complained about insomnia with Red Bull in my sleeping bag
I try to brag but sometimes the imposter syndrome gets to me
I'm pretty sure that half this school still wants to go to MIT

But that's okay I know that I'm an academic superstar
I've …

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

Regardless, our new goal as a newspaper of high esteem is to report fairly, and accurately on any and all campus happenings. We would never lie to you, which is why we are saddened to report that nothing has happened this week, at all. Please start doing more newsworthy …