Eshaan Joshi
Editor-in-Chief, Strikebreaker, Labor Law Violator
Who the hell knows, Sometime this decade
Bio
Affable idiot with a pen
Fun Fact
Also known as the Dumbest Boy Alive
Previous Work
A Letter from the Editor
As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, we reported on events like the flood (remember reading about Noah? We covered that.) and the fall of the Roman Empire. Eventually we decided that our purpose was to bring humor to the saddest place in the world, and once CMU was founded, we knew we’d found our forever home. We recently took a dig through our archives, and found some articles we’d written long ago, featuring headlines like “Kids these days are lazier than ever” (an oped written in 1352) and "What do you mean, we have to pay people," (a complaint written in 1978). As it stands, our organization has decided to share all the material we've devised with the rest of you, in order of date published, give or take. If you've ever wondered what we thought about the birth of Jesus, the invention of the printing press, or the 1984 American Presidential Election, then you've come to the right place. Without further ado....
A letter from the Editor
It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free time a month. Naive enough that you'll believe anything you're told. Which is a big problem if anyone gets to you before we do.
So listen up, 'cause we've got some advice. First, the best thing you can do to acclimate is find the biggest guy on your floor and pick a fight with him to establish superiority. CMU is a prison, and the only thing anyone cares about is how tough you seem. Second, always remember you go to a private school. It's hard being that much better than everyone else. Do not let people forget that. Third, remember these CMU rules:
1) It's not underage drinking if you've aged from stress. I'm basically 35 at this point
2) Never invest in your roommate's startup. Those only work out at Stanford
3) Party hard, live fast. Run from the cops faster.
We here at readme are ecstatic that you've decided you've decided to come to CMU, of all places. Because now you're stuck here. There is no escape. Your attempts to 'have fun' will be overwritten by 60 FCE semesters that are required to graduate on time. Your dreams of partying and getting drunk will be relegated to a sad, lonely, "what's the move" text sent at 10:35 in your floor gc. Your weekend plans will get ruined because some sicko assigned the homework to be due at 8 P.M. on a Saturday. And when you, sobbing to yourself, try to find a transfer application for somewhere, anywhere else, you'll sit there, staring at a buffering screen, because when CMU boasts that it had the 'first campus wide Wi-Fi network', that's because that's the tech they're still using.
We're not trying to scare you off. We're sure you'll have a great time here. It's a four year experience that lasts between four-and-a-half and five, statistically. So lock in, buckle up, get ready for your one (1) life-changing college experience, and with a warm welcome to the place we love...
Readme Sex Survey Results
The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our own survey. Your move, Tartan.
We'd give you the most desperate person's number but do you really want us matchmaking?
Fuck you Richard I'd be a sexy fucking worm
Take a gander at these dirty whores. Bet they're into you calling them that though.
A Song for Dear Ol' Tech
I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium
I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to Wean to Hamerschlag
Complained about insomnia with Red Bull in my sleeping bag
I try to brag but sometimes the imposter syndrome gets to me
I'm pretty sure that half this school still wants to go to MIT
But that's okay I know that I'm an academic superstar
I've only bombed two tests, a quiz, a midterm, and a lab so far
I'll try to make a comeback when my mid semester grades come out
I've got a homework due at two but I don't know what that's about
I’m unsure what career of mediocrity will be my fate
But at this point dear god above, oh please just let me graduate
And thus with plans to triple major: AI, CS, ECE
I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie.
To the tune of "A Model of a Modern Major General", by Gilbert and Sullivan
A Letter from the Editor
With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.
Regardless, our new goal as a newspaper of high esteem is to report fairly, and accurately on any and all campus happenings. We would never lie to you, which is why we are saddened to report that nothing has happened this week, at all. Please start doing more newsworthy things. Someone got arrested for stealing copper wires from Highmark and that's some trailer park stuff y'all. Seriously, at least steal something cool.
Besides encouraging criminality on this campus, we've got a whole lotta begging to do, so without further ado...
readme, volume #2, issue #3
A Letter From The Editor
Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is only the grey plod of Carnegie Mellon.
Meanwhile, it seems my entire writing staff has gone on strike, and personally, as a disciple of good ol' Andy C., I don't think there's anything that can be done except shutting down the entire organization. This will, in that case, be the last ever published readme. Unless of course, I can use freshmen labor to supplant my workers. That just might work...
Without further ado, and with more than a few labor violations in the plans, we present...
readme, volume #2, issue #2
A Letter from the Editor
It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread in our time as an institution on this campus, and we hope you use it to blackmail as many of us as possible.
In other news, following a hectic week of classes, many readme staff members have dropped dead from exhaustion, overwork, and other CMU-specific diseases. A new ChatGPT update, luckily, has allowed me to replace all of them with sentient AI clones who have the exact same sense of humor. This change, we hope, will not affect your appreciation of this newspaper in any way.
New sponsorships, including those from North Korea, has given readme the necessary cashflow to compete with the big titans of Carnegie Mellon literature, like the Tartan, the Oakland Review, and Farnam Jahanian's Emails. The literary masterpieces produced by those publications are hard to beat, but our team of unpaid interns is ready to put in the overtime.
Finally, I wanted to thank and congratulate anyone who made it through the first week of classes. This place is stressful, and if you're already struggling, don't worry, you're not alone. The Carnegie Mellon Dropouts Association holds meetings every Thursday and Friday, and will help guide you on your path to unemployment whenever you're ready.
Without further ado, and with the many crimes committed by this magazine solely in the rearview mirror...
readme, volume #2, issue #1
A Letter from the Editor
As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which case you can enjoy Carnegie Mellon from the comfort of your own home, 24/7, on up to three different devices! This place has a long and storied history, as one of the first institutions of higher learning on this side of the Appalachians. From the Fence, first constructed in 1917 to keep students from jumping into The Ravine, to the secret tunnels under Purnell that drama professors use to escape angry mobs, to the prefinals scream all students participate in to convince their professors to curve, dear ol' Tech is a place with a good many traditions for you to engage in. And besides studying in Hunt, and studying in Sorrells, and studying in your dorm, and studying in bed, there is actually quite a bit to do here. I haven't even touched on all the good study rooms in the UC.
Readme, of course, is excited to see you all here, and we really do wish the best in your time on this campus. While we do not, in any way, endorse fun, it's important to remember to prank all your professors once a semester it's hard to get an A otherwise. CMU's a wonderful place, filled with wonderful people, and you'll make your governmentmandated one (1) lifelong memory here in due time. The rest of it? Honestly pretty forgettable. With all that aside, it's good to remember the three rules of college:
1) Don't increase the population
2) Don't decrease the population
3) Try not getting caught?
Without further ado, and with a warm welcome to hell itself...
readme, volume #2, issue #0
A Letter from the Editor
As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the weather, and the lack of sex on campus, several staffers found a small box in the basement of Hunt that included documents dating back to the first ever buggy race.
While Carnegie Mellon would like you to believe that Buggy was founded by a group of well meaning fraternity men hoping for a little carnival fun, the documents discovered show that the first ever incident of a buggy race occurred in early 1919, and included just one freshman. Jimmy “Snotnose” Peters, class of 1923, had rushed every single fraternity on campus, much to the annoyance of the brothers. After discovering he planned on continuing the frats until he finally received a bid, the brothers of Delta Delta Delta came up with a plan. They told him that Carnegie Mellon fraternities had a tradition of putting freshmen inside caskets with wheels attached and rolling them down the Frick Park hill. Should he go through with this tradition, Snotnose was promised that he could go to one of Delta Delta Delta’s notorious ragers for fifteen minutes. The young lad was overjoyed, and found himself inside a rather small pine box being rolled up down the hill in the wee hours of April 16th, 1919.
After a particularly drunk Delta Delta Delta brother lost control of the casket, it was sent careening into Maggie Mo. Snotnose did not survive, and in his memory, Carnegie Mellon students continue to harass anyone under the height of 5’2” in the hopes of shoving them inside a metal tube. Thus, in memoriam
readme, issue #6
A Letter from the Editor
readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 in the morning, all the awards were revoked, and the prize money confiscated.
With midterm season over, readme staffers have begun to feel joy and some emotions other than stress and pain. However, they've also stopped being funny, so the editorial staff has started employing torture methods like the ones used in Guantanamo Bay. We thank the Obama administration for introducing us to such cutting edge techniques. The rapidly approaching Spring Break has also caused quite a stir in the office, as the light at the end of the tunnel has gotten several readme writers to gnaw off their chains and escape into the wilderness. If anyone spots someone attempting to be funny, please call us immediately. They may need to be put down.
Finally, readme is getting bored with the lack of controversial opinions, and is proud to announce a "America's most racist relatives" competition. If your grandma knows one too many slurs, send us her contact info, and we'll make her famous. All this, and more, in...
readme, issue #3
A Letter from the Editor
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old laws, we were unable to do that. We are currently litigating in court to be the world's first AI only magazine. We do have some corrections to issue from Issue #1 though. We'd first like to apologize for forgetting to credit on Evie Parke with the icon for the organization. The person responsible for that issue has been summarily shot.
Additionally, we've been informed that Walking to the Sky was not in fact stolen. The person responsible has been summarily shot. Additionally, the person in charge of having people shot is not coming in to work on time, so we have had him summarily shot. We are now currently hiring anyone and everyone good at summarily shooting. Without much further ado, and mostly just to fill space, I present to you that harrowing, graphic, and miserable story of how Carnegie Mellon University began to fall apart. All this, and more, in
readme, issue #2
readme returns!
Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up an idea nobody had ever thought about before could Carnegie Mellon students be funny? Unfortunately, during this meeting, Skip cracked the first ever joke told on CMU campus, leading to two hospitalizations and the death of Jim McDougal from excessive laughter. The tragic result of this meeting delayed the foundation of readme until the early 2000s, where as a response to the attacks on September 11, 2001, Carnegie Mellon students once again attempted to be funny, but this time, to heal the nation. readme had a great run from 2000-2017. The magazine was a favorite of many dictators across the world, and Vladimir Putin called the August 2017 issue "the funniest thing he read since he threw his last political rival out the window." Similarly, Saddam Hussein requested a copy of readme prior to his execution in 2006. However, outside pressure led to our publication being dissolved for "excessive propogandization", though rumors have it a few issues are still in circulation in North Korea. A few of our members were expelled. Most of the rest were arrested, and had to finish their 122 final in jail. Luckily for us, it only took a few years for us to get picked up by the KGB. They helped rebuild the magazine from scratch, leading to our reestablishment in 2024, with a new message. We hope to be honest, truthful, informative, and above all else, entirely fucking useless. Without further ado, the Carnegie Mellon KGB presents...
readme, issue #1
10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan
1) Better at news
Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.
2) Better words
Find me a single example of the Tartan using the word "eccentricites". You can't. We're simply better.
3) Lack of a sports section
Considering how much we here at Carnegie Mellon dislike sports, atheltics, and the general existence of nonacademic endeavours, readme stays true to the original vision of Carnegie Mellon by ignoring any and all sports news. The Tartan, instead, has a bozo coediting the section.
4) We're monetized
While the Tartan has to strugle for advertisements and soliciations, we're one of the hottest advertising commodities on the market. Sure, companies willing to buy space with us are usually shady, but hey, it keeps the lights on and lets me pay for tuition, so it works.
5) We host events
Technically. Well, technically, KGB holds events, and we advertise them. That's because we're cool. And you want to be cool right? Who even reads newspapers anymore.
6) At least half of us are fully illiterate
I barely passed the fourth grade.
7) We're the fastest way to get a criminal record
You tell me how many crimes the Tartan helps you commit. None at all. Buncha nerds. Bet they're fuckin' narcs too.
8) We're not owned by CMU
Unlike the Tartan, which bends to the whims of the talking ghost of Andrew Carnegie, readme only answers to God, the KGB, and whoever is currently funding us.
9) We stop when we're out of ideas
The Tartan has been publishing for a hundred years. Really? How much fucking stuff has happened on campus since 1924? Not enough for a newspaper. readme, on the other hand, stops once we run out of ideas. Like right now. Think I had more of these? Ha.