Citron
Staffwriter
studies in fruitiness and zest, 2029
Bio
Single citron looking for love.
Likes: Long periods standing in the same spot, judaism, mediterranean and asian food
Dislikes: Lemons, people who make weird faces at me (it hurts)
Fun Fact
idk, I can upDATE this later right
Previous Work
Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures
Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.
“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. “The registration process was traumatic, let me tell you. 3:45 pm registration time, and I had to watch as the good slots trickled away, one by one. 2 pm lecture taken at 3:30. The only lecture left was at… 8 am.”
At this point, he started shuddering, and was only able to speak again when prompted about his current methods.
“Oh, yeah. Well, it’s simple: sleepwalking. I’ve always been a person who jerks and kicks a bit in his sleep. So it wasn't much of a leap to sleep-get-out-of-bed, sleep-change, sleep-brush, sleep-piss, sleep-shit (depending on what I ate yesterday), sleep-scooter to lecture, and sleep-take-notes. And sometimes I sleep-hit-up-Redhawk for coffee between 9:50 and 10. I usually set my alarm for around 11, which is after my three morning lectures.
“And I’m trying to extend how long I stay asleep. Eventually, I’m going to get it down just right so I don’t actually have to wake up, until I retire at maybe 65, nice and sleep-settled-down-with-Ms.-Merower-and-the-kids.”
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
1. Check your phone.
This should go without saying.
2. Check your surroundings.
Make sure you’re alone. Use any means necessary. Tough luck to any others around, but it’s the name of the game. Trust me: If they’d woken up before you, they would have checked that they were alone, too.
3. Check your body.
Here are some handy things to watch out for:
Large objects in any orifice
Suspiciously crusty patches of skin
Unfamiliar tattoos
Others’ blood (it can get into surprising places—be careful!)
Really, any physical irregularities should be noted, except a hangover, which is all but guaranteed.
4. Find your way to the nearest bathroom and shower in the sink.
This should be self explanatory. The nearest bathroom is up the house-left ramp and to the right. The lock is unsheathed and can be bypassed with a trivial card-shim. If you don’t know where the nearest bathroom is, good luck. Flush any discrete objects down the toilet (especially phone or ID, whether or not they are yours. They are bugged, and God knows what kind of intelligence agencies might be interested in what happened here). Make sure to scrub under your armpits.
5. Exit into Hillman, land a clean overhand or uppercut below the cheek or jaw of the first frail looking undergrad you see, and take their clothes. Remember: most Computer Science students are hypotensive and calcium deficient. This should go smoothly.
You should be good to head out onto Forbes and find your way home now. As you leave, here’s list of things to keep in mind:
Ensure you have a clean urine sample on you at all times.
You should probably down a couple gallons of the beverage of your choice, just to clean out your system. I recommend hand sanitizer—totally clean, but with a little more kick and satisfaction than water. Also helps with hangovers.
You already silenced anyone present in Rashid when you woke up. But there are likely others out there who know too much. Do what you must.
Test yourself:
Ability to count ten of your fingers
Any and all STDs
Pregnancy
COVID-19
Polio
The names of the last three U.S. presidents
500 meter accuracy with a M24 SWS rifle
And anything else that might be at risk.
Waking up naked in Rashid is a totally normal, even integral, part of the college experience at CMU. Hell, I know people who graduated years ago and still wake up naked in Rashid sometimes. So don’t take it too seriously —you’ll be fine! And, if you’re worried that you haven’t yet woken up naked in Rashid, don’t worry! Everybody grows at their own pace, and your turn will come soon.
CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds
The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.
“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, BAE Systems. Ten rounds of interviews, some of them. So I just got fed up and wondered, well, what can I do to give myself that competitive edge, you know? Beat out the applications with really high GPAs or good jawlines. And it just came to me.”
He then collapsed from exhaustion, so we were unable to get any more answers. But it’s true that time serving can drastically increase hireability, say sources in top companies’ recruitment.
“Military service is a great way to tell companies you have a lot of those skills that we’re really looking for,” says hiring manager Millie Terry, who wishes to keep her company anonymous. “People skills, patriotism, firsthand experience of the horrors of war and understanding of the enemies’ weaknesses, good jawlines, creative thinking.”
It’s unknown how the word got out on the CMU campus, but almost 80 percent of the student body has attempted to enlist already, with over 30% of that number being deemed physically able, and students who fail to sign up are finding themselves ostracized, their hearts labeled not in the work. The fervor has spread from the student body to the rest of the campus, too. Scotty’s Market surprised everyone by instituting a veteran discount this Monday, explaining that they wanted to support our brave kids out at sea through 10% off a variety of goods and meals, only at Scotty’s Market, located at 5000 Forbes Avenue, Pittsburgh PA 15213. The Exchange added a new “War Sandwich” to their menu, filled with ketchup and grotesque chunks of charred meat. The CPDC added the US Military to Handshake, and the SASC is offering supplemental instruction for boot camp.
It remains to be seen how the craze for military recruitment will change CMU’s long term culture or its US News ranking, but one thing is certain: The job will be worse than the service. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut
In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it will house one ICBM, with more to be stored in the Stever basement. Its purpose is currently unknown, but experts conjecture that likely targets include the Tartan Express Food Truck and Warner Hall, and the political power gained from the nuclear arsenal may be leveraged for improved aerospace facilities. Lockheed Martin, a known sponsor, has declined comment.
Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer
Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.
“It’s easy to look at these buildings standing tall and proud, Baker, Porter, Wean—actually, not Wean, Wean’s got nothing to be proud of—but it’s easy to look at them and feel they’ve always been that way. Yet, buildings are not the stalwart monuments we’ve always thought of them as. They can grow and change over time, much in the same way as human society does.” Indeed, recently uncovered evidence points to the evolution of Porter and Baker Hall mirroring that of humanity itself.
“When two different things evolve the same traits separately, we call that convergent evolution,” explains Cavator. “And that seems to be what happened here, in the case of Baker and Porter Hall. Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer, and we believe they evolved into the modern roles of Baker and Porter sometime within the last millennium.”
But there’s a big gap between the hunting and gathering age and the baking and porting age. So what filled that gap? “We don’t know,” reveals Cavator. “We think that Miller and Carter were their likely identities during the agrarian period, but we’re not sure yet. We’ve got experts doing research on Baker’s lost cousins, Butcher and Candlestick Maker Hall. Overall, Baker and Porter are still fascinating enigmas to us.”
The Wheel and its affects on our children
It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.
The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become integral to every part of our lives. But people are starting to realize that behind the gleaming facade of the wheel lies a sinister consequence: its effect on our own kids.
“It’s like I don’t even recognize him anymore,” says one anonymous mother. “It used to be ‘Dinner’s ready!’ and he would come running and tell me he loved me. Now, it’s always ‘One more spin, mom!’. Sometimes he doesn’t even respond anymore— he’s just so engrossed in his wheel, he doesn’t even hear me. He’s always on that damn wheel. I’d just snap it in two, if it weren’t so damn expensive.” Kids across the city-state seem to have fallen in love with the wheel. We interviewed one child we found playing with a wheel by the road to find out just what it is about them that drives kids crazy.
“Well, all my friends had one, and they were having so much fun with it,” she said. “So I asked my parents, but they said no. This wheel. It was, uh, just lying here. It’s nobody’s.”
“The wheel is fantastic,” she gushed when asked about just what it was that made it so special. “I love putting it on an axle and spinning it around. It’s like the fidget spinner, but better. Honestly, though, I could just stare at it all day.”
The child’s parents appeared at this point in the interview, and though we didn’t have any questions for them, they did not hesitate to give their opinions.
“It’s my opinion that the wheel is symbolic of everything wrong with kids today,” said the father. “When I was her age, we walked between cities. Took us weeks. I lost years of my life walking places. And now she wants to spend those years doing what? Riding the fuckin’ wheel? Those were some of the best years of my life. Made me who I am today. We used to make pottery with our hands, and if it was misshapen, goddammit, we got better at it. They don’t understand how good they got it. Everything handed to them on a lazy susan.”
“Well, you know, I don’t hate the wheel,” said the mother. “I can see why some people might want the wheel. Just, you know, I don’t want my own daughter on it. Have you heard of driving drunk? Apparently all the young people are doing it these days. And, you know, kids on the wheel are more likely to commit violence. I mean, not trying to say anything about wheel kids. I just don’t want my daughter associating with… those types. You know?”
The verdict is still out on the wheel. Is it a plague upon our children, stealing our future? Is it a benign gift from the gods? What gods do we even believe in here in ancient Mesopotamia? These are the hard hitting questions that only time will tell.
