Citron
monoecious
Staffwriter
studies in fruitiness and zest, 2029
Bio
Single citron looking for love.
Likes: Long periods standing in the same spot, judaism, mediterranean and asian food
Dislikes: Lemons, people who make weird faces at me (it hurts)
Fun fact
idk, I can upDATE this later right
Location
morocco
Latest
What is Sex? An Investigative Account
In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, little is known regarding “sex” or its properties. The state of affairs being so, I have put forth my best efforts in order to discover more about the elusive “sex” and make public this information for the betterment of mankind.
To understand the first step of my research, some …
Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough
Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.
There seems to be a popular trend spread by liberals right now, of bitching and whining about climate change and all of its terrible implications. One cannot help but wonder what it is about global warming that petrifies liberals so. Does its promise of warmth remind them of the warmth with which their mother once caressed them, and …
Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market
Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. Treat them with the reverence they deserve, and you shall be rewarded. When they make you buckets of money, I want half.
AI Doors
Doors are everywhere in modern life. So I find it a deplorable reflection of the sorry state of the “free market” that up till …
Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie that sits next to me in the lecture I got then, y’know? You woulda too. Don’t pull that shit where everyone pretends they wouldn’a done the same thing. I know you woulda.”
He also explained that “it’s a four hundred and eighty-five year old tradition and nobody knows why …
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
1. Check your phone.
This should go without saying.
2. Check your surroundings.
Make sure you’re alone. Use any means necessary. Tough luck to any others around, but it’s the name of the game. Trust me: If they’d woken up before you, they would have checked that …
Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures
Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.
“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. “The registration process was traumatic, let me tell you. 3:45 pm registration time, and I had to watch as the good slots trickled away, one by one. 2 pm lecture taken at 3:30. The only lecture left was at… 8 am.”
At this point, he started shuddering, and was …
CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds
The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.
“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop Grumman, General Dynamics, BAE Systems. Ten rounds of interviews, some of them. So I just got fed up and wondered, well, what can I do to give myself that competitive edge, you know? Beat out the applications with really high GPAs or good jawlines. And it just came to me.”
…Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut
In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it will house one ICBM, with more to be stored in the Stever basement. Its purpose is currently unknown, but experts conjecture that likely targets include the Tartan Express Food Truck and Warner Hall, and the political power gained from the nuclear arsenal may be leveraged for improved aerospace facilities. Lockheed …
Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer
Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.
“It’s easy to look at these buildings standing tall and proud, Baker, Porter, Wean—actually, not Wean, Wean’s got nothing to be proud of—but it’s easy to look at them and feel they’ve always been that way. Yet, buildings are not the stalwart monuments we’ve always thought of them as. They can grow and change …
The Wheel and its affects on our children
It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.
The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become integral to every part of our lives. But people are starting to realize that behind the gleaming facade of the wheel lies a sinister consequence: its effect on our own kids.
“It’s like I don’t even recognize him anymore,” says one anonymous mother. “It used to be ‘Dinner’s ready!’ …