Archibald The Great
Staffwriter
Tall, 1912
Bio
Former circus member, Lifelong Habsburg family member <3
Fun Fact
I can do 16 types of activities.
Previous Work
CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce
In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.
While the 9-story building was conceived by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation in 2009, which is around the time Bill first became friends with Jeffrey Epstein, the Bill Gates Foundation and the Melinda Gates Foundation have since parted ways. They can no longer legally support the same causes, and that includes raising the young Gates Center, which turns 16 this fall.
CMU has had to step in as an impartial mediator. Farnam had strong opinions on the issue, and quickly decided that custody would go to the Melinda Gates Foundation. The building is now to be called the Melinda Gates Center. Hillman has been dropped from the name, though his influence still remains in the building's acronym, which will remain GHC (though it is now short for "Glasgow Haskell Compiler").
Melinda French Gates has stated she has plans for the building now that it is fully under her control. For one, she plans to destroy the spiral, which she states "reminds [her] of Bill's penis." The classrooms in the center tower of the spiral will remain in use, but students must now jump across a chasm to get to class.
SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy
The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies hopes this new program will boost grades by as much as 69%, and contribute to "a more revealing understanding of academic success."
The workshop includes hands on demonstrations for how best to flirt with much older professors, as well as some wardrobe pieces provided free of charge from randomly selected School of Art students. At the end of the workshop, pamphlets were handed out that included instructions on the best arousal strategies for 122 TAs, with some of the top strategies being: avoiding segfaults in your code, mentioning how good Rust's ownership system is at every available opportunity, and wearing anything that exposes more than an inch of skin.
Opponents to this workshop argue that the curriculum centers too heavily around the male gaze, with one student saying "wearing tight cropped shirts works for some professors, but we need a greater representation of what female professors find attractive." Some have taken to solving this issue by wearing clothing that bears the face of a more attractive person, although SASC has not endorsed that technique.
One student who has taken the workshop and implemented the strategies called it "really helpful" and "the only things keeping my QPA up."