Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of
If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)
All of this stress is a recipe for breakouts. If your face looks like a topographical map of Bunker Hill, you’re not alone. We’ve received postage from readers across the colonies complaining that their skin is more oily than the inside of a musket. To all of these concerned readers: worry no more. I found a revolutionary skincare hack in the most unlikely of places.
The other night, I was walking home from my sewing circle when I stumbled upon a shocking sight. The Honorable Judge Edwin Pendleton (who appeared in last week’s issue of What Not to Wig) was standing in the town square completely naked. At first, I thought he was filming content for his OnlyLoyalists page. Then, the Sons of Liberty emerged to pour tar on his head and stick feathers all over him. As he was crying out in pain, I could only think of how amazing such a treatment must be for his skin barrier. I wondered if this protest tactic could be used to overthrow the pimples taking root in my face.
On my way home from work the next day, I visited Sir Pendleton in the hospital. He seemed a bit shaken up from the incident, but his skin was positively glowing. I’ve never seen anyone look so smooth. Granted, he did howl like a wraith at the slightest touch, but I’m a firm believer that beauty is pain.
When I got home, I decided to try this hack on my own skin. I poured hot pine tar all over my face, then added some quail feathers for the true spa experience. I couldn’t wait to see the results.
Unfortunately, not everything went as planned. The tar burned my eyes to crisps, so I was sadly unable to see the results. When I asked my colleagues at Ye Olde Beautie Press how I looked, they said my skin was “purer than a virgin on the Sabbath” and that “Benedict Arnold would switch teams again if you asked him to come to your cottage”. Even though there are definitely risks, tarring and feathering is so worth it. If you want to declare independence from breakouts, then this hack is just Common Sense.