In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s election in 1880. Michael’s triumph over his human opponents signals a radical shift in the US political landscape; with a record-breaking 1,674% voter turnout yesterday, it’s clear that the American public is tired of the contemporary political landscape they find themselves in. Below, ReadME has outlined some three major policies Michael campaigned on in the weeks before the election:
Free Treats for All: Michael has promised every US citizen over the age of 18 a stimulus package of 10 MilkBones, with families receiving an additional 5 treats per child. Campaign officials have stated that this will boost morale in an ever-doomerist American public. Additionally, Michael has promised that this package will be the first in a step of economic actions taken to revitalize the US economy.
Invisible Border Fence: Michael has promised to partner with Invisible Fence to build an electric border wall between the United States and Mexico. Officials state that this would both prevent illegal immigration while ensuring that US citizens living nearby wouldn’t have to reflect on what such exclusionary policies mean for their own senses of morality. Though this new border fence would require forcibly fitting every Mexican citizen with electric collars, Michael argues that he has found a solution that benefits all parties involved: instead of Mexico, Sweden would be forced to pay all related costs.
PAW Patrol: Upon taking office, Michael has made it clear that one of his first actions as president will be to institute the Patriot Assurance Wardens(PAW) Patrol. This special police force would monitor un-American activity in the US and suppress any activities that could possibly threaten the legitimacy of the President. Though Michael has not clarified what such “un-American” activities would look like, insider information given to ReadME hints that the PAW Patrol would mostly target excessive vacuum use, wrongful bathtime, and questioning a dog’s capability to be president.
George Michael’s new term will certainly change the future of politics in America, and other non-human have already begun to campaign for office. As Michael often asserts, “Ain't no rules says a dog can't be president”.
