Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel
On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s President, “I know you have all come here today to hear about CMU’s past, present, and future. I know you are here to hear about our finances, our policies, and our officials. But sometimes, there are things more important than the lifeblood of a diminutive private school with a laughably low US News ranking. Sometimes, a man’s pride must come first.”
He leaned into the mic. “Do you think that I am deaf? Blind? Do you think I somehow do not notice the jokes cracked about me behind my back, day in and day out on this campus? The jokes about my rotund, bald head, with a sheen like a used corolla? The jokes about the stool I’m standing on right now to make people think I’m of average height? The jokes about my fence sitting? My greed? The filthy, naughty things Gina Casalegno does to me every night… allegedly? Well, I am no joke, and I will put up with this no longer.”
He ripped off his shirt.
“This is a message to any of you wretched students who still want to put dishonor on my name: I challenge you to a duel. A clash with our lives on the line. We can do it ten paces, MMA, boxing, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, whatever. I’m more proficient than you could dream of being in all of them. They call Mike Tyson 'Iron Mike?' Well, they call me Steel Farn’. Steel is stronger than iron because it’s an alloy, which is when you combine metals to make a stronger material, much like how CMU’s new guiding principle, “AInnovation”, combines AI and innovation to create our future[...]”
So far, no challengers have come forward, seemingly pissing their pants at the prospect of facing Steel Farn’. The entire university – indeed, the entire world is in a state of tension, waiting to see what unfolds next. Well, I can guarantee one thing: the era of Farnam jokes is over.