Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)
Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it is for others. While engineers lock eyes with Lockheed Martin and programmers become pals with Palantir, students of the liberal and fine arts often feel left out. As a humanist myself, I understand the pain of having an unmarketable soul. That’s why I’ve compiled a list of high paying, dastardly jobs for people like me. If you want to feel the fires of Hell against your skin but don’t want to take Calculus 1, keep reading!
As AI art proliferates every corner of society, visual artists may despair at the prospect of being replaced. They can now rest assured that their talents haven’t become obsolete. Since discovering that AI-generated art has the potential to reflect biases, firms like OpenAI and Anthropic have started hiring CPOs (Chief Prejudice Officers). These CPOs are skilled artists with people-driven backgrounds. Through algorithmic analysis, they figure out what stereotypes an LLM is already reproducing. Then, they use their creative skills to teach it a new one. According to Gemini CPO Sagit Tarius, “It’s a really rewarding position, but it does get exhausting sometimes. Like, how many pictures of all-male boardrooms do I have to draw before Gem gets the hint? Even robot women are hopeless. Wait, that gives me an idea!” Tarius then started working on a sketch of a pink Tesla crashing itself into a curb.
But let’s say your skills lie more in the realm of music. This is where propaganda comes in. For decades, the art form has been used to manipulate the American populace. This practice continues today, especially as the US prepares to launch a war with Iran. Producer Midi East told ReadME how the conflict has affected his career: “It’s been fucking great, man. I started timing all my beats to the firing speed of a Black Hawk, and now the White House TikTok keeps putting them over their kill cams. Free publicity.” This story serves as an inspiration for performers everywhere. We may not have drummer boys anymore, but the war machine still needs people with a song in their heart and a beat in their feet.
Now that the artists have their souls in the checkout tab, it’s time to focus on the humanists. I was a literature major in my day, so I’ll throw those nerds a bone. New editions of classic books come out every year. Many of these books contain problematic language and shocking examples of bigotry. Why not add more? Such is the philosophy of Jane Galveston, editor inchief at Puffin Press. Last year, Galveston published an updated edition of Gone with the Wind, which received intense backlash for historical inaccuracy. When reached for comment, Galveston stated, “They just don’t want you to know who really won.” Her impressive bibliography continues to expand. She recently published an abridged Of Mice and Men, where George “gets it over with right out of the gate”. Thanks to this new edition, students will never again have to read about difficult things like poverty or being friends with a disabled person. All it takes is one dedicated humanist to inspire the CEOs of tomorrow.