Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie that sits next to me in the lecture I got then, y’know? You woulda too. Don’t pull that shit where everyone pretends they wouldn’a done the same thing. I know you woulda.”
He also explained that “it’s a four hundred and eighty-five year old tradition and nobody knows why we do it. I think it’s probably pretty useless. The Donner Creature can feed itself, you know? Grown ass Creature, still living in the Donner basement. Get off your ass.”
While it is true that the purpose of the 485 year old tradition is unknown, the current leading theory posits that it is to prevent the Donner Creature from getting off its ass, as this morning, the Donner creature broke free of its containment. Rampaging around campus, it disrupted the order of the Crisp’n’Crust-Ciao Bella-Ola Ola line, blocked traffic on the Forbes-Morewood intersection so that the crosswalk was uncrossable for upwards of 30 minutes, and injured various students who begged it to do so to get out of classes. Ultimately, it settled on Wean Hall as a suitable replacement for its lost meal, where it is currently sitting and feeding on the concrete exterior as the UN’s containment forces attempt to lure it down with Hershey’s kisses, its favorite.
It is unknown the extent of its malicious intent. I can only hope that Rev Noodle survives.
