Paid for by: the money we save from being single

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

My cat is an asshole

By Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Readme Polls: Do you read Readme or the Tartan?

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains