Paid for by: The society for Erogenous Xploration

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

By Benner Rogers & Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

Interview with a recent grad

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

By Mike Rophon • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

A letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names