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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

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Readme Wins Gold

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A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

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An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

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Kill Phil

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

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Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Readme Gets Absurd

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SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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An Open Letter to the CMU community

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

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I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

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Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds.