Paid for by: Someone who got their Hanukkah money early
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Kill Phil

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

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A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

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I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."
A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

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An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."
"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

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Don't Come Back

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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We need to talk.

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

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Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • How to have a hot AI data center summer • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • How to have a hot AI data center summer • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week