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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

76-101 Assignment 1. Due Friday!

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

The 'car' in Carnegie

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Rabbi hot?! • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Rabbi hot?! • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically