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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Readme Polls: Do you read Readme or the Tartan?

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

Some finals traditions!

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

"Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute