Paid for by: JFC (the fucking guy himself, not the funding council)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Anatomy class adds study inside component • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Rest in Peace Buddy • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Rest in Peace Buddy • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English