Paid for by: JFC (the fucking guy himself, not the funding council)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Can you find Waldo?

// Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

I wrote this article while sober

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • Remember to tip your TAs! • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Gelt still more real than crypto • Statue of Liberty deported • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • Remember to tip your TAs! • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Statue of Liberty deported. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report