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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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My cat is an asshole

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

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A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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MLM vs MLM vs MLM: Everything YOU need to know

The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.

I speak, of course, …

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A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Viva La Revolution

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CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

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A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine",  "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"
A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

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Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • King Charles III to consider castling • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • King Charles III to consider castling • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing