Readme Gets Absurd

The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Anatomy class adds study inside component • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Lube offered for Wean holes • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Lube offered for Wean holes. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds.