Readme Gets Absurd

Linguists invent new slur for couples • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • King Charles III to consider castling • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Rabbi hot?! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • King Charles III to consider castling • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Rabbi hot?! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor