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KGB Presents: readme
Editor in Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

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Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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How to feng shui your killdozer • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • King Charles III to consider castling • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class •