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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A campaign button with an image of a dog surrounded by the text "George Michael for President."

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

By @tqte.mcra3_hq on twt • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

On the Four Questions

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled