Readme Gets Absurd

Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • King Charles III to consider castling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Rabbi hot?! • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • King Charles III to consider castling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Rabbi hot?! • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games.