Paid for by: Mothers against Drunk Buggy Driving

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

…

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters