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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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readme introduces the BoothBuggy

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

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There will come soft Tanks

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

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A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

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Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera

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Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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Do you want to hear a joke?

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

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Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

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An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher