Readme Gets Absurd

"If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • King Charles III to consider castling • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • King Charles III to consider castling • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist.