Readme Gets Absurd

Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • I met Santa Claus, she's black • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Rabbi hot?! • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Rabbi hot?! • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter.