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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

CMU Finals rife with cheating

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

What is MIT

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crystals for home improvement

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • King Charles III to consider castling • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • King Charles III to consider castling • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size.