Readme Wins Gold

Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Tenth dentist speaks out • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Rabbi hot?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Tenth dentist speaks out • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Rabbi hot?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC