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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Thieving Mice

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

By Abe James • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

Winning the War on Christmas

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

What is the False Burger? Readme investigates

// Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • All of Science wrong. Oops • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Rabbi hot?! • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Victim Escapes Samsara • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • All of Science wrong. Oops. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Rabbi hot?! • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games.