Readme Wins Gold

World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Remember to tip your TAs! • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Rabbi hot?! • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Remember to tip your TAs! • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Rabbi hot?! • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective