Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Rabbi hot?! • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Rabbi hot?! • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC
!["Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]](/media/vol2/issue7/images/sub3_BgjPE7s.png)
!["CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]](/media/vol2/issue0/images/cryingClub2_RRGP6T3.png)
!["How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]](/media/vol2/issue5/images/votepoll_2RXCJ8K.png)
![A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"](/media/vol3/issue6/images/missedc_Nf3bH9F.png)
