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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Goes to Carnival


On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

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SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.
A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Christmas tips for children of divorce

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

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Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

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Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

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Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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A College Student's Guide to saving money

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

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Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

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Fruity Take on CMU Housing

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.
That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens