Readme Gets Absurd

I met Santa Claus, she's black • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • King Charles III to consider castling • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Victim Escapes Samsara • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • King Charles III to consider castling • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals