Paid for by: JFC (the fucking guy himself, not the funding council)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

By Jeremiah Cornelius Penname XXVII • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Post-Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Post-Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030.