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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Read more


Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

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I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."
An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."
A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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readme introduces the BoothBuggy

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

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A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

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An ad for an "AI-Enhanced paperclip" using "GPT-5א" at an MSRP of $350/month. The image is just Clippy with the OpenAI logo pasted over it.

Readme Takes A Sick Day

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Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

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"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Gelt still more real than crypto • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas