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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

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My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

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How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

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Winning the War on Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

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Warning

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SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

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Kirby's Adventure NES Review

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

Readme's Homework Eating Service

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

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A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

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Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."
Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Gelt still more real than crypto • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student