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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

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A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."
A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

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Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

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Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

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Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

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How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

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Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

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CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

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A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • There's still time to hook up with your professor! • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog”