Readme Gets Absurd

Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • I met Santa Claus, she's black • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Anatomy class adds study inside component • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.