Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Fence demolished in zoning dispute

By Benner Rogers & Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Lube offered for Wean holes • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Lube offered for Wean holes. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th.