Paid for by: the 300 gnomes in my garden
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Read more

Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Read more


A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

Read more

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

Read more

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Read more

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

Read more

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

Read more

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

Read more

Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

Read more

README POLLS

Read more

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

Read more

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

Read more

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

Read more

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

Read more

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Read more

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

Read more

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

Read more

Thieving Mice

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Read more

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

Read more

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

Read more

Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Tenth dentist speaks out • Remember to tip your TAs! • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Tenth dentist speaks out • Remember to tip your TAs! • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers.