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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

Hungry?

By author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature running toward the camera.

The Donner Creature

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

Thieving Mice

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

The Lottery

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Readme Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

By "Tyan Rosh" & Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • King Charles III to consider castling • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Kanye up to something • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • King Charles III to consider castling • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Kanye up to something • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation