Readme Wins Gold

Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Rabbi hot?! • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Megachurch forms PokéStop • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Rabbi hot?! • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Megachurch forms PokéStop • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling