Readme Gets Absurd

How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Gelt still more real than crypto • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • I met Santa Claus, she's black • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Kanye up to something • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tenth dentist speaks out • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Kanye up to something • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tenth dentist speaks out • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone