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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In