Paid for by: by Artifacts stolen from the CMU Archives
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.
A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.
A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.
A word search in the wingdings emoji font.
A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"
A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"
"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]
A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.
"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."
A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.
"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"
"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"
A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.
A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.
A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".
A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.
A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.
This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes.