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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

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A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl

If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, …

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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[TODO]

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

- Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

A Letter from the Editor

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

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Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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README Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

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An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

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CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople