China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96 • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up.