Readme Wins Gold

98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • How to feng shui your killdozer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • How to feng shui your killdozer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing