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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

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Hungry?

By author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Thieving Mice

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

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Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

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Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

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Carnegie Crime Report

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

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Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Tenth dentist speaks out • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Gelt still more real than crypto • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Tenth dentist speaks out • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA