Paid for by: a marvelous collection of mental hospital escapees, engineers, and the odd english major.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.
A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

An Open Letter to the CMU community

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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Readme Studies Abroad

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

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Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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I met Santa Claus, she's black • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • King Charles III to consider castling • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Victim Escapes Samsara • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • King Charles III to consider castling • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals