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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

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An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

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An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

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CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

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An ad for an "AI-Enhanced paperclip" using "GPT-5א" at an MSRP of $350/month. The image is just Clippy with the OpenAI logo pasted over it.

CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)
A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

This Week In Bears

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

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An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).
An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

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Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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So you've heard of 122?

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

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[TODO]

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

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Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Rabbi hot?! • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Rabbi hot?! • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum.