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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

A PSA to check the CO detectors

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Interview with a recent grad

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

By Cindy Gao • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

A chart with divorce winnings decided by a 6-sided die roll. 1 is the car keys, 2 is silverware set, 3 is grandpa's urn, 4 is racist memorabilia, 5 is whiskey collection, and 6 is THE HOUSE!!!

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary.