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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, …

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Gelt still more real than crypto • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.