Readme Gets Absurd

GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad.