Paid for by: JFC (the fucking guy himself, not the funding council)
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Read more

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Read more


Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

Read more

A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

Read more

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".
A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.
"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]
"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."

The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Read more

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

Read more

"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

Read more

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

Read more

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

Read more

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

Read more

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Read more

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

Read more

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.
A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."
CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you!