Paid for by: a marvelous collection of mental hospital escapees, engineers, and the odd english major.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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PlayMe

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

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They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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Auntie Readme's Advice Column

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

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A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

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Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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Viva La Revolution

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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Coming soon...[readme logo with "uncensored" stamp] Sex! Drugs! Unedited fanfics! Be on the lookout for "readme, UNCENSORED"!

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."
A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • All of Science wrong. Oops • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • All of Science wrong. Oops. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday.