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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

Delinquent Candy Thieves

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Semester of Humiliation

By author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Spot the difference!

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

A reminder to stab invasive plants

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

README Ultrasound

By Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

122 Help Wanted

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

By O’Connall Haytier • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

New CivE Lab Kit

By Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

FBI Agents Are So Hot..... Please Ask Me Out

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Small Asian Women Wanted

By Anonymous • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

Merry Christmas from Meat

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • How to feng shui your killdozer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • How to feng shui your killdozer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty