Paid for by: The society for Erogenous Xploration

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Can you find Waldo?

// Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

By Jeremiah Cornelius Penname XXVII • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

By Benner Rogers & Citron • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • I met Santa Claus, she's black • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • Remember to tip your TAs! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • Remember to tip your TAs! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers.