Readme Gets Absurd

Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Naughty List leaked • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Gelt still more real than crypto • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Naughty List leaked. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Gelt still more real than crypto. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it.