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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

Read more


Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Readme Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

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Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

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Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"

Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

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Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

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"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

Poetry Corner

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine",  "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

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I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

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If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch