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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.
An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

Readme Takes A Sick Day

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

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An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

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TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

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Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"
A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Tenth dentist speaks out • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Rabbi hot?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Tenth dentist speaks out • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Rabbi hot?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC