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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Read more


One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

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Readme Sells Out

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An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera

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"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

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Readme Communists Exposed!

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.
A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks”