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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

By Jeremiah Cornelius Penname XXVII • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

To My 8 A.M.s:

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

“I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18.