i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny
!["Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]](/media/vol2/issue7/images/viagraAd_ScdSG7j.png)
![A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]](/media/vol2/issue6/images/footballpoll_angeCcz.png)