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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Interview with a recent grad

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

  1. When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.

  2. Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.

  3. When …

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Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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The 'car' in Carnegie

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

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Readme Retraces Its Steps

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Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

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[TODO]

They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

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DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it