Readme Wins Gold

Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Gelt still more real than crypto • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Statue of Liberty deported • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • POLLS: President May Be Elected • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Statue of Liberty deported. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • POLLS: President May Be Elected • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports