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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

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readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

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US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

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A modern dialectic of oppression

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

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New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

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Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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SCC preps for Carnival

As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally …

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Readme Crime Report

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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Overheard at CMU

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

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Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

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China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Lube offered for Wean holes • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Lube offered for Wean holes. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases