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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Rejected


Traffic Calming Solution

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

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Claude's Plan

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

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Gender euphoria: humorless humping

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

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Readme Reviews

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

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A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

MLM vs MLM vs MLM: Everything YOU need to know

The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.

I speak, of course, …

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New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

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We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

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A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

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A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.
"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

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I Fucking Hate the 54

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

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A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

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A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]
An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."
Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • I met Santa Claus, she's black • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up.