Readme Gets Absurd

CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • How to feng shui your killdozer • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • How to feng shui your killdozer • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week