Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Gelt still more real than crypto • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • I met Santa Claus, she's black • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Gelt still more real than crypto. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer