Readme Gets Absurd

Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Megachurch forms PokéStop • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Lube offered for Wean holes • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Rabbi hot?! • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • King Charles III to consider castling • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Lube offered for Wean holes. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Rabbi hot?! • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • King Charles III to consider castling