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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Thieving Mice

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

A fun spin on a popular childhood game

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.

Horse-drawn buggy

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Covellite Dove • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • I met Santa Claus, she's black • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Statue of Liberty deported • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Statue of Liberty deported.