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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme: Sex Sells


What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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History's first booth

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

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A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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To My 8 A.M.s:

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

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Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

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Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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Interview with a recent grad

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

Torah Review

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

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CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

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How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God.