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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Making Money on Campus

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

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"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

A Letter From The Editor

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

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US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

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Readme Wins Gold

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Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

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Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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Readme Sex Survey Results

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

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A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".
An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.
An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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On buying a minifridge

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

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Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

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Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Local gnome discovers his house has been stolen by SDC booth • Campus router upgrade ends in unexpected raw meat surprise • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances. • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Local gnome discovers his house has been stolen by SDC booth. • Campus router upgrade ends in unexpected raw meat surprise. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute