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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

By Benner Rogers & Citron • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

A recipe for "Grandma's Homestyle Christmas Eggnog" written in curly script font on a festive background. The intro paragraph mentions it gave the writer salmonella. The ingredients list is full of absurdly specific measurements and a concerningly high volume and variety of liquors.

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Torah Review

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

Crystals for home improvement

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • King Charles III to consider castling • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Rabbi hot?! • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • King Charles III to consider castling • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Rabbi hot?! • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit.