Paid for by: Extensive lawyer fees and two bungled investigations

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

My cat is an asshole

By Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Citron • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up.