Readme Gets Absurd

My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition