Readme Gets Absurd

README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96.