Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

readme returns!

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself