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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.
An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

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Anti Anti Aging Cream

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

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I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

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Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

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CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

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First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

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CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

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Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

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New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

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5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

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A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

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Christmas tips for children of divorce

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

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Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • King Charles III to consider castling • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot. • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • King Charles III to consider castling • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today?