Paid for by: Reindeer poaching in and around the North Pole.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Read more

Introducing Tall Booth

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

Read more


Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera

Read more

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

Read more

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

Read more

An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Poetry Corner

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

Read more

Viva La Revolution

Read more

Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

Read more

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Read more

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Read more

Readme Goes to Carnival

Read more

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

Read more

Readme Sex Survey Results

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

Read more

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

Read more

A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.
A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.
A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

Read more

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

Read more

The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Rabbi hot?! • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Rabbi hot?! • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill"