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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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Readme Communists Exposed!

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

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Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

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How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

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Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

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The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

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Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

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CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

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A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

Read more

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • I met Santa Claus, she's black • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV?