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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Rejected


Traffic Calming Solution

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

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Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

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A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.
"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

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An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"
"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

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Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

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Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

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A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

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Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

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Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

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Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Gelt still more real than crypto • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Gelt still more real than crypto. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option