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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester.