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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme: Sex Sells


What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

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POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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Readme Throws A Carnival

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I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

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Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

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A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").
There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it.