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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Goes to Carnival


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Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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(New) Intern's Report

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

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Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

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Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

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A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

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New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

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Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

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Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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Wait, people actually read this?

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

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Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

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A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

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Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Anatomy class adds study inside component • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë.