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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pierre de Fermat • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

CMU Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

A screw driver

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Campus Activity Report

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

Taste-testing Messiahs

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • All of Science wrong. Oops • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Remember to tip your TAs! • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Remember to tip your TAs! • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh.