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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

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"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

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"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.
An ad for an "AI-Enhanced paperclip" using "GPT-5א" at an MSRP of $350/month. The image is just Clippy with the OpenAI logo pasted over it.
An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."
A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.
A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"
A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."
The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."
A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.

Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]
"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]
A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Lube offered for Wean holes • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Rabbi hot?! • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Lube offered for Wean holes. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Rabbi hot?! • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge