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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."
An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

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Everyone I date becomes lesbian

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

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"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

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An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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My mommy says I can't go to war

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

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Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

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SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day