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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

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New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

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The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

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One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

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Crying club opens just as students return to campus

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CAPS Bread Line

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ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

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The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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New CivE Lab Kit

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Color by numbers with readme

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Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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Spot the difference!

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Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Statue of Liberty deported • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Statue of Liberty deported. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees