Readme Gets Absurd

Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Gelt still more real than crypto • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Linguists invent new slur for couples • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Gelt still more real than crypto. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking.