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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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A Disease for Every Department

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

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A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.
A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]
"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]
"What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • King Charles III to consider castling • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • King Charles III to consider castling • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his