Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Naughty List leaked • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Naughty List leaked. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists.