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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

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A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

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README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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Readme Takes A Sick Day

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Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia