Paid for by: All that filthy, filthy, sponsorship money

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

[Picture of a dog in a santa hat] "George Michael wishes you a Very Readme Christmas!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

"Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]

Kevin Song & Samson Rozansky • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The Lottery

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Remember to tip your TAs! • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Remember to tip your TAs! • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta.