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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

By Mike Rophon • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Can you find Waldo?

// Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

Readme Studies Abroad

By Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

Students assign professors work in novel education plan

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

By Jonathan Wang • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

How to have a hot AI data center summer • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • How to have a hot AI data center summer • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is).