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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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We need to talk.

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

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On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

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A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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There will come soft Tanks

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

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Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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A picture of Farnam Jahanian in cool glasses drinking something from a bottle. It's captioned "make this Carnival an event you won't remember," followed by a logo saying "everclear."

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

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A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."
Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • Rabbi hot?! • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • Rabbi hot?! • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals