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KGB Presents: readme
Editor in Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Ranking CMU's presidents

By ​"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Kanye up to something • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­in­Chief • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. •