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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Proposal for a new meme

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

5-Hour Transgender

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports