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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Fence demolished in zoning dispute

By Benner Rogers & Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute