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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

An ultrasound showing a crumpled up piece of newspaper.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Homework Trouble

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter.