Readme Gets Absurd

English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • King Charles III to consider castling • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • King Charles III to consider castling • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse