Readme Gets Absurd

Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Gelt still more real than crypto • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • POLLS: President May Be Elected • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • POLLS: President May Be Elected • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV