Readme Gets Absurd

My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • King Charles III to consider castling • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Megachurch forms PokéStop • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Statue of Liberty deported • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • POLLS: President May Be Elected • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • King Charles III to consider castling • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Statue of Liberty deported. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • POLLS: President May Be Elected • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive.