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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

CMU Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Readme Polls: Do you read Readme or the Tartan?

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • [REDACTED] • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • King Charles III to consider castling • Kanye up to something • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • [REDACTED] • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • King Charles III to consider castling • Kanye up to something • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded.