Readme Gets Absurd

Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Lube offered for Wean holes • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Rabbi hot?! • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Lube offered for Wean holes. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Rabbi hot?! • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge