Readme Wins Gold

CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Gelt still more real than crypto • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas