Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Poetry Corner

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Linguists invent new slur for couples • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Readme and the Tartan officially break up "It’s not you, it’s me" • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Readme and the Tartan officially break up "It’s not you, it’s me" • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad.