Paid for by: JFC (the fucking guy himself, not the funding council)
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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[TODO]
[TODO]
An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)
A logo depicting a dragon with a black head and red jaw, which has "CMU" stamped on it in serif font.
A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."
A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."
A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."
A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"
Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"
Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".
"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."
"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"
A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."
An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).
An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"
A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.
"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]
A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."
A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.
A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"
Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Rabbi hot?! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Rabbi hot?! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.