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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Can you find Waldo?

// Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Vote Wean Hall!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

…

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Top 10 Tops

By Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera …

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • King Charles III to consider castling • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • King Charles III to consider castling • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad.