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Readme Goes to Carnival


What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")
A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

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Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Readme Goes to Carnival

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A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

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Taste-testing Messiahs

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

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Don't Come Back

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

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Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

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Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

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A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.
TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Victim Escapes Samsara • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Remember to tip your TAs! • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Remember to tip your TAs! • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18.