Naughty List leaked • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Naughty List leaked. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children.