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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Scotty Dog missed you. So did we, if you even care about that.

// Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

An As-Seen-On-TV-style advertisement for "Hidden Camera Hat," a secretive way to cheat on finals. It includes a picture of the product, which has a massive and absurdly obvious camera atop a baseball cap.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot.