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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Can you find Waldo?

// Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

"Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

readme booth to bring back factory towns

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

fuck you this took me three hours. I individually placed every gnome. You have gnome respect for my craft. I can't copy and paste them because then the layers wouldn't be right. Fuck you. You will never understand.

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Rabbi hot?! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Kanye up to something • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Lube offered for Wean holes • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Rabbi hot?! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Kanye up to something • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not.