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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Making Money on Campus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Grey O'Hara • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Taste-testing Messiahs

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

By Cindy Gao • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs.