Readme Wins Gold

i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Naughty List leaked • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • POLLS: President May Be Elected • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Naughty List leaked. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • POLLS: President May Be Elected