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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

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Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

We need to talk.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Tenth dentist speaks out • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Tenth dentist speaks out • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced