The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad.