Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Readme's Homework Eating Service

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

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"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

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Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

A Letter From The Editor

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

- Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

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Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

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Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

README Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]
"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]
Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Victim Escapes Samsara • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity.