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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Read more


My mommy says I can't go to war

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

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README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

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10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

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In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

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Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

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A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

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On the Four Questions

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

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Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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[TODO]
A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

Readme Reviews

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

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Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."
CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • All of Science wrong. Oops • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Naughty List leaked • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I met Santa Claus, she's black • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • All of Science wrong. Oops. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Naughty List leaked. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week