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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Goes to Carnival


What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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Please

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www.cmureadme.com/donate

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‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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Triamgle Mightmare

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

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Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

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Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"
A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

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A Letter from the Editor

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

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What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Read more

An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Making Money on Campus

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

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An Open Letter to the CMU community

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

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Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos".