Readme Wins Gold

King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls.