Readme Gets Absurd

Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Rabbi hot?! • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Kanye up to something • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Rabbi hot?! • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Kanye up to something • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent.