Paid for by: a marvelous collection of mental hospital escapees, engineers, and the odd english major.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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Winning the War on Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

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Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

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Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

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Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

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A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

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Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

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My mommy says I can't go to war

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

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README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

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North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Rabbi hot?! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Rabbi hot?! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job.