Paid for by: Insider trading on shorted military stocks

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

…

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

The 'car' in Carnegie

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Bechdel Test added to autograder • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • King Charles III to consider castling • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • King Charles III to consider castling • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV