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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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Introducing Tall Booth

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

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[TODO]

Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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The Homosexual Conundrum

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

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[TODO]

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

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Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

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Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

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CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

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Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

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Readme Wins Gold

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Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

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Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • I met Santa Claus, she's black • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • King Charles III to consider castling • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • King Charles III to consider castling • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street