Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Gelt still more real than crypto • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor-in-Chief • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations