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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

I wrote this article while sober

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

Torah Review

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Modern technology comes for us all

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Gelt still more real than crypto • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor