Paid for by: Mugging Carolers and stealing from Santa
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

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Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]
A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.
A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

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Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".
A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

On the Four Questions

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

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War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

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The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

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Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Megachurch forms PokéStop • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • King Charles III to consider castling • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Megachurch forms PokéStop • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • King Charles III to consider castling • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym.