Readme Gets Absurd

Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Rabbi hot?! • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Rabbi hot?!