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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme: Sex Sells


What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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Overheard at CMU

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

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An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."
A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

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Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

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SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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Readme Takes A Sick Day

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

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A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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A logo depicting a dragon with a black head and red jaw, which has "CMU" stamped on it in serif font.
A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."
A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

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Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Gelt still more real than crypto • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Statue of Liberty deported • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Gelt still more real than crypto. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Statue of Liberty deported. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job.