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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Readme's Homework Eating Service

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

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Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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5-Hour Transgender

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

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An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Readme Crime Report

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

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Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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My mommy says I can't go to war

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

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Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

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Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Naughty List leaked • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • I met Santa Claus, she's black • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Naughty List leaked. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation