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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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Readme Wins Gold

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My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

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"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.
A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."
A word search in the wingdings emoji font.
A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

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Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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Torah Review

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

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"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

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Readme Takes A Sick Day

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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Bechdel Test added to autograder • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • King Charles III to consider castling • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • King Charles III to consider castling