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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Sells Out


So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.
A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.
A picture of Farnam Jahanian in cool glasses drinking something from a bottle. It's captioned "make this Carnival an event you won't remember," followed by a logo saying "everclear."

Readme Sex Survey Results

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

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A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

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A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"
A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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Homework Trouble

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

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REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

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An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.
A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

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A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".
Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Rabbi hot?! • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Rabbi hot?! • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas