CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • All of Science wrong. Oops • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Naughty List leaked • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I met Santa Claus, she's black • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • All of Science wrong. Oops. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Naughty List leaked. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week
![[TODO]](/media/vol3/issue3/images/thekids_HhCa444.png)
!["Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]](/media/vol2/issue0/images/doubleOrNothingAd_CHdzASZ.png)
Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.![[TODO]](/media/vol3/issue6/images/neighbors_jdyMuef.png)
![[TODO]](/media/vol2/issue5/images/carng_brxpTvF.png)
