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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Proposal for a new meme

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Tarot Cards for CMU Students

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Reid Starzl • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I met Santa Claus, she's black • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Post-Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Post-Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly