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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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readme booth to bring back factory towns

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

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Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

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I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

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A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Readme Crime Report

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

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README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

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A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

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Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.
A picture of Farnam Jahanian in cool glasses drinking something from a bottle. It's captioned "make this Carnival an event you won't remember," followed by a logo saying "everclear."
Morewood Gardens on fire.

Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

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The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Readme Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

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A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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Rabbi hot?! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • King Charles III to consider castling • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Rabbi hot?! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • King Charles III to consider castling • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school