OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • I met Santa Claus, she's black • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool.
