Readme Wins Gold

CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Statue of Liberty deported • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Gelt still more real than crypto • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Linguists invent new slur for couples • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Statue of Liberty deported. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers.