Readme Gets Absurd

Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex