By TheCountFan789 •
Vol 2, Issue 2
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Sept. 18, 2024
In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …
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By Surely Jacks Son •
Vol 5, Issue 3
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Feb. 10, 2026
The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.
The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …
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By Bertie Wooster •
Vol 4, Issue 6
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Nov. 11, 2025
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …
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