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Readme Goes to Carnival


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There will come soft Tanks

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

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I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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Overheard at CMU

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

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An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Warning

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The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

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Coming soon...[readme logo with "uncensored" stamp] Sex! Drugs! Unedited fanfics! Be on the lookout for "readme, UNCENSORED"!

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

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A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Readme Gets Absurd

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An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

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Homework Trouble

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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The Homosexual Conundrum

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"
CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up