Readme Wins Gold

Gelt still more real than crypto • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.