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Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature running toward the camera.

The Donner Creature

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

By Tack Layshun • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

What is MIT

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Lube offered for Wean holes • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Lube offered for Wean holes. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option