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Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

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How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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Warning

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Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

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An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."
A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

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A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

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CMU Finals rife with cheating

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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Rabbi hot?! • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Rabbi hot?! • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs.