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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

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Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

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A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

(New) Intern's Report

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

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Readme Studies Abroad

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

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Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."
A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

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Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

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One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

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A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

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A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

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Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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I Fucking Hate the 54

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

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Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

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The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

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Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Rabbi hot?! • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Rabbi hot?! • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school