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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Meat • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

By A. Axolotl • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.

Horse-drawn buggy

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A PSA to check the CO detectors

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

5-Hour Transgender

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

By Porque Taepwyrm • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Gelt still more real than crypto • I met Santa Claus, she's black • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Gelt still more real than crypto. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.