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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

…

"I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Gelt still more real than crypto • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Gelt still more real than crypto. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final. • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Hardest job imaginable: affirming therapist to drone strike today. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent.