Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Gelt still more real than crypto • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees
Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …
As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …