Paid for by: the 300 gnomes in my garden
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Read more

Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

Read more


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Read more

"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]
A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.
"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]
"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).
A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.
An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").
A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

Read more

Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

Read more

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

Read more

Readme Sells Out

Read more

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."
An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"
"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]
A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.
A picture of Farnam Jahanian in cool glasses drinking something from a bottle. It's captioned "make this Carnival an event you won't remember," followed by a logo saying "everclear."
Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Naughty List leaked • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Naughty List leaked. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028.