Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video.
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Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!!["Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]](/media/vol3/issue2/images/plantfighting_8k3URTm.png)
