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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

By Benner Rogers & Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

The 'car' in Carnegie

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances. • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog”