Am I the bazonkle?
Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …
Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …
Thieving Mice
For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …
A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU
Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …
The Lottery
The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …
Derealizating
Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …
I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically
Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …
Winning the War on Christmas
As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …
To My 8 A.M.s:
Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,
On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.
A truly magical …
Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff
On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …
Steam Tunnels Missed Connection
I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …
Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?
It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …
Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation
It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …
The Wheel and its affects on our children
It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.
The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …
Welcome to Pittsburgh!
The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.
A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …
This Week In Bears
Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.
Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles
Two bears have recently joined …
CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License
In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …
CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake
Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …
SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy
The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …
I used to hate French People
I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …
Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married
1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen
Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …
Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival
Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …
Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa
While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…
Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)
Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …
README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan
Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!
We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …
Interwar Update
Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …
README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks
In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …
On the Four Questions
First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …
CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest
In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …
How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home
With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …
Back to School at CMU
It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …
Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167
Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard
Melt lard …
Read Me's Recipes from Last Night
The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka
The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.
The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …
Readme Crime Report
The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …
10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan
1) Better at news
Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.
2) Better words
Find me a single example of the Tartan using …
On the origins of buggy
In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …
Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition
The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …
CMU-specific Travel Advisory
With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.
Ukraine
Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?
Spain
…
CMU Bad Dragon Partnership
Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure
NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths
Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.
It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.
“It was insane. I went in …
Readme Sex Survey Results
The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …
ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory
It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …
I wrote this article while sober
We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …
A modern dialectic of oppression
In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …
Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs
Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …
CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner
With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …
The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord
Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.
Tip 1: Your …
CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …
We need to talk.
There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.
It started with our first date. I got …
A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors
1. Introduction
Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …
CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style
Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …
Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department
In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …
Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion
A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …
A letter from the Editor
It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …
In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others
Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …
Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer
Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.
“It’s easy to look …
Date Recap With README
First Date
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.
Second Date
…
Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"
All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …
New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins
The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …
Top 10 ways to die during Carnival
1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …
A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"
It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …
"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say
Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …
I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing
My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …
Readme Reviews
Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.
50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …
A Letter From The Editor
Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …
Fruity Take on CMU Housing
Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.
…
CMU announces new set of steam tunnels
Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …
Commonly Asked Dinner Q's
Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …
Entropy+ Dissolves
Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …
Overheard at CMU
Jan. 19
inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG
Jan. 22
"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"
…
What is MIT
To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.
…
readme introduces the BoothBuggy
It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …
A Song for Dear Ol' Tech
I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium
I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …
README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters
The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …
Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer
With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …
War flashbacks to now include midroll ads
There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …
15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation
Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.
A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …
readme booth to bring back factory towns
Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …