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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

By Greeshma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

…

Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

A recipe for "Grandma's Homestyle Christmas Eggnog" written in curly script font on a festive background. The intro paragraph mentions it gave the writer salmonella. The ingredients list is full of absurdly specific measurements and a concerningly high volume and variety of liquors.

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Rejected O-week logo designs

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • King Charles III to consider castling • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • King Charles III to consider castling • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day