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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Poetry Corner

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.

The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"
A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.
A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Winning the War on Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

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An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."
A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.
An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.
A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"
A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.
A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.
A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Readme Reviews

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

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Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

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An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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"Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • King Charles III to consider castling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I met Santa Claus, she's black • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • All of Science wrong. Oops • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Gelt still more real than crypto • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Megachurch forms PokéStop • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • King Charles III to consider castling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • All of Science wrong. Oops. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Megachurch forms PokéStop • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day