Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

The Spinning Jenny is sapphic, actually.

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The story you’ve been told about the Spinning Jenny is a lie.

Years of queer erasure and the narratives of straight men have hidden the true lesbian love story that is the Spinning Jenny. While your history books tell you that it was a yarnspinning device invented by James …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

5-Hour Transgender

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

By Mike Rophon • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

Poetry Corner

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

SCANDAL AT CMU: The SECRET Behind ANSYS Hall's Weight Gain

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Exclusive! The dedicated journalists of ReadMe news have been carefully following ANSYS Hall the past few weeks. As one of the youngest buildings at Carnegie Mellon, it has a lot to live up to. Completed in 2019, ANSYS is one of the hottest buildings on campus. It’s outfitted with large …

A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Post-Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Post-Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation