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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

We need to talk.

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Repeatedly saying "No hablo ingles" has not helped me get out of my Spanish final. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18.