Paid for by: Death, Laundry, and Taxes
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

He's in prison.

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Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

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I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

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Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

  1. When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.

  2. Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.

  3. When …

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A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

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A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

Don't Come Back

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

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Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

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Thieving Mice

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

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A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.
An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.
An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."
"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Wait, people actually read this?

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go?