Readme Gets Absurd

"If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • I met Santa Claus, she's black • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • Linguists invent new slur for couples • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In