Readme Gets Absurd

Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Demolition Company breaks up married couple.