Readme Wins Gold

Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • How to feng shui your killdozer • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • How to feng shui your killdozer • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student