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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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Readme Crime Report

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

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A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.
A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).
A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

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A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.
A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.
Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.
An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."
Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

(New) Intern's Report

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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[TODO]
Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex