Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

By Dr. Johnathan Speed • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Reid Starzl • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie