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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.
A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]
A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine",  "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

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Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

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STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

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Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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A Letter from the Editor

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

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"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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Readme Studies Abroad

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Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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Readme Reviews

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

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How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Gelt still more real than crypto • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • I met Santa Claus, she's black • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Kanye up to something • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tenth dentist speaks out • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Kanye up to something • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tenth dentist speaks out • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone