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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96 • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Anatomy class adds study inside component • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API.