On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, which he refused to pay, while Mr. Joshi went on to buy avocado toas...
Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided it was important to finally chart it. The journey was fraught with
It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This violent fever took down the Russian Empire in 1917, the Roman Empire in 476, and nearly toppled our great American Empi...
Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a new national holiday has been created to celebrate this occasion, where we have been guaranteed that eve...
Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.
The police investigation is still ongoing as to whether he claimed the insuranc...
Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of this popular game. On Tuesday, September 3rd, 2024, a group of students were see
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At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with a publication named The Tartan, with RU's student publication also sharing this exact name. "
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It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.
AY, AY! LOCAL MAGAZINE UNDER PFETA FIRE
Recently, a local CMU satire magazine has come unde...
Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in front of our eyes. While one may not hear antitrans rhetoric from no one other than the schizophrenics putting up
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Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its official reopening, Scobell House will be closed or risk being repossessed by the Penns...
It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread in our time as an institution on this campus, and we hope you use it to blackmail as many of us as possible.
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Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such endeavors, each student is given a Lab Kit containing various e...
Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read this to catch up on all the terrible horrible things that have happened to our beloved CMU while you all were away.
**WEB OF...
In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of the biggest changes to this contract in Carnegie Mellon history. Read them (or don’t) here.” Below is a no...
Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to the school that spawned the monstrosity known as the Duolingo owl, has an inscription on one of its ...
As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which case you can enjoy Carnegie Mellon from the comfort of your own home, 24/7, on up to three different devices! Th...
In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin intensive training on how to steer buggies for this year’s Spring Carnival. The s...
It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of people who like to think we’re funny, we have decided to look for loopholes in any rules we can find in order to participate in it all...
MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival Committee was quoted to have said “What?”. Furt...
1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to stop, because it’s so central to who we are as Tartans. It’s a miracle no one has yet died flying around...
As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the weather, and the lack of sex on campus, several staffers found a small box in the basement of Hun...
Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone except IS students, who aren’t allowed to spill the beans. If they do, they get hunted for sport by the gh...
Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, because whether you’re a freshman eager to escape your academic hazing for a weekend or a sen...
A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to campus, I saw it with my own eyes. The SAE Lions were gone. I knew this day would come, but I was not prepared. In our ...
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a groundbreaking investigation into why anyone would possibly spend tens of thousands o...
Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.
“Readme will be responsible for various cases of food poisoning on campus on April 1st, 2024”
We are...
Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO! We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous issue to prepare it for publication, and upon investigation (which consisted of multiple sleeples...
The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up to element 118. This race, however, has slowed to a halt after the most recent discovery, e...
Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide. Auntie Readme was found dead, skewered to the Walking to the Sky monument and the autopsy found that this was the result of...
After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations like that, I’ve decided to not do a Notes app apology or make a video apology or something–don’...
Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, I present to you my campaign for Water: The Most Forgotten Element (for CMU students). We are in a state where wat
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I was on break :)
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An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds...
As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up there. The fear of death that comes from doing multidimensional calculus at th...
While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier scientist to educate you on ten things the high school curriculum c...
As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s...
It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.
This policy grants students the ability to assign an unrestricted amount of work to any prof...
The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie Mellon students are sad :( “, discussed the extremely high rates of depression at the university and...
We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate...
February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.
“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they got the previous night,” a startled witness detailed.
Fur...
After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with experts in their fields!*
*Their fields being anxiety, mostly. †
**How long is too...
Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s reaction also seemed to prove his guilt with him barking and charging at the camera to stop them ...
The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email wr...
13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time
SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.
(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)
SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—
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In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and others at Carnegie Mellon University, came the closest to answering the age-old ...
Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.
A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling ‘the worst curve in 14 years’.
Tensions ran high before the clock started. ~~S...
readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 in the morning, all the awards were revoked, and the prize money confiscated. With midterm season over, r...
Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, wearing clothing that misaligns with an individu...
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU representative stated that Donner will, in fact, still be used to house...
PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise. Twelve twentyfive p.m. President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!” Four explosions, and four westbound cannonballs fired from Carnegie Mellon’s most archaic weapons, filled the air<...
Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providi...
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On No...
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old laws, we were unable to do that. We are currently litigating in court to be the world's first AI ...
The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!
In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not 2016 (see more in the methods section), therefore the year four years ago was 2020. We also managed to concl...
Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.
Find me a single example of the Tartan using the word "eccentricites". You can't. We're simply better.
README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an organization (aside from just generally fucking around of course).
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1. Introduction
Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after a brief countdown. These hand gestures represent a rock, p...
Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their homework. However, behind ChatGPT’s shiny facade lies a foundation of exploitation an...
Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up an idea nobody had ever thought about before could Carnegie Mellon students be fu...
