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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

…

"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, …

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

We need to talk.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

A chart with divorce winnings decided by a 6-sided die roll. 1 is the car keys, 2 is silverware set, 3 is grandpa's urn, 4 is racist memorabilia, 5 is whiskey collection, and 6 is THE HOUSE!!!

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Naughty List leaked • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Naughty List leaked. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives.