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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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Readme Sex Survey Results

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

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A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

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Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

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A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

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Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

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A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.

Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Read more

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."
A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

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Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Tenth dentist speaks out • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • How to feng shui your killdozer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Tenth dentist speaks out • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • How to feng shui your killdozer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt