Paid for by: Severance payouts from the Post-Gazette staff

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

I wrote this article while sober

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

Some finals traditions!

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

Distracted students continue to get eaten by the automower

// Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

A campaign button with an image of a dog surrounded by the text "George Michael for President."

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

"Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

FAST and RAW Romance Advice

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate. …

Help Wanted: Password Guesses

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Remember to tip your TAs! • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Remember to tip your TAs! • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.