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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."
A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.
A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".
[TODO]

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

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(New) Intern's Report

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

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[TODO]
A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.
"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

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Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • King Charles III to consider castling • Rest in Peace Buddy • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • King Charles III to consider castling • Rest in Peace Buddy • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits