Readme Gets Absurd

Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Rabbi hot?! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Rabbi hot?! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.