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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

By Linda Green • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

By "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

Vote Wean Hall!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

To My 8 A.M.s:

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

Readme Studies Abroad

By Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A library card which has "WHORE" written on it in scratchy lettering.

README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • King Charles III to consider castling • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Statue of Liberty deported • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • King Charles III to consider castling • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Statue of Liberty deported. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh