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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Interview with a recent grad

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

Campus Activity Report

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

By Tack Layshun • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

By Warren J. Caulfield • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A campaign button with an image of a dog surrounded by the text "George Michael for President."

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar