Paid for by: your Student Activities Fee
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Read more

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Read more


Anti Anti Aging Cream

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

Read more

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Read more

With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

Read more

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Read more

README Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Read more

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

Read more

Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

Read more

What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

Read more

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

Read more

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

Read more

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

Read more

CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

Read more

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Read more

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

Read more

Readme: Sex Sells

Read more

The 'car' in Carnegie

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

Read more

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

Read more

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

Read more

Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • I met Santa Claus, she's black • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed.