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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

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The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

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Readme Reads the Paper

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CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

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An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

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Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

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Fruity Take on CMU Housing

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

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[TODO]
A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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Auntie Readme's Advice Column

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

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Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

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One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

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A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)
Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Rabbi hot?! • Rest in Peace Buddy • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Gelt still more real than crypto • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Rabbi hot?! • Rest in Peace Buddy • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU