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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

An Open Letter to CaPS

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

B • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

Vote Wean Hall!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Megachurch forms PokéStop • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit.