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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

He's in prison.

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".
"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

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An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"
A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.
An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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PlayMe

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Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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Coming soon...[readme logo with "uncensored" stamp] Sex! Drugs! Unedited fanfics! Be on the lookout for "readme, UNCENSORED"!

Torah Review

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

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From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

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A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Readme gets divorced

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

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OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Statue of Liberty deported • Remember to tip your TAs! • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Statue of Liberty deported. • Remember to tip your TAs! • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate).