Readme Wins Gold

“Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Anatomy class adds study inside component • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I met Santa Claus, she's black • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Statue of Liberty deported • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Statue of Liberty deported. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing