Readme Gets Absurd

Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Megachurch forms PokéStop • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • King Charles III to consider castling • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Megachurch forms PokéStop • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • King Charles III to consider castling • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym.