Readme Gets Absurd

Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Kanye up to something • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Charles III to consider castling • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Kanye up to something • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Charles III to consider castling • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected.