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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Readme Sells Out

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

README POLLS

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Readme Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Gelt still more real than crypto • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Gelt still more real than crypto. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies