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Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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Interview with a recent grad

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

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Readme Studies Abroad

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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Overheard at CMU

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

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5-Hour Transgender

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

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A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

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I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

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How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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[TODO]

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

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CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

PITTSBURGH, Pa. ­ The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twenty­five p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

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[TODO]
Morewood Gardens on fire.

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Naughty List leaked • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Lube offered for Wean holes • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Naughty List leaked. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls