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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Thieving Mice

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

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An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)
An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.
"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

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CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

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A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

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Readme Sex Survey Results

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

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Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Gelt still more real than crypto • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • POLLS: President May Be Elected • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • POLLS: President May Be Elected • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV