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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

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"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

My mommy says I can't go to war

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

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README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

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FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

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A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.
The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

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CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

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Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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A Novel Approach to Union Busting

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hard­working American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.
An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.
An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

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Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.
Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • All of Science wrong. Oops • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings