Paid for by: Fines from PA Liquor Law violations
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Sells Out


So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

Read more

So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

Read more


Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

Read more

Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

Read more

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

Read more

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

Read more

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

Read more

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

Read more

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Read more

Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

Read more

Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

Read more

Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

Read more

The 'car' in Carnegie

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

Read more

I Fucking Hate the 54

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Read more

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")
An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

Read more

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

A Letter From The Editor

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

Read more

4 Hacks to get an extension

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

Read more

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Read more

Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Gelt still more real than crypto • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • How to feng shui your killdozer • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • How to feng shui your killdozer • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens