Paid for by: Reindeer poaching in and around the North Pole.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Read more

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Read more


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Read more

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

Read more

Readme Throws A Carnival

Read more

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Read more

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

Read more

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

Read more

STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

Read more

Viva La Revolution

Read more

There will come soft Tanks

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Read more

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

Read more

On the Four Questions

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

Read more

A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

Read more

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

Read more

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]
An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

Read more

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

Read more

Overheard at CMU

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

Read more

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

Read more

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

Read more

Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking.