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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

I wrote this article while sober

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

"Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]

Kevin Song & Samson Rozansky • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

…

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym.