Readme Gets Absurd

USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief