Readme Gets Absurd

Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Naughty List leaked • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Naughty List leaked. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.