Readme Gets Absurd

Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Kanye up to something • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • I met Santa Claus, she's black • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Naughty List leaked • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Kanye up to something • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • Naughty List leaked. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management