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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme: Sex Sells


What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

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An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

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"CIT is proud to announce...the new 'Intro to Civil Engineering' Lab Kit!" [toolbox full of wet concrete, with a shovel on top]
[TODO]
An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

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Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

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An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

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A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.
Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • What to do after your mirror rejects your advances. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded.