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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

By O’Connall Haytier • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

Baba Yaga booth

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling