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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Warning

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.
An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

Readme Crime Report

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

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Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

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"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Rest in Peace Buddy • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Rest in Peace Buddy • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U.