As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …
Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …
Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …
Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …
readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …
We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …
The modern world is filled with confusing new acronyms, and it seems like more crop up every day. The most insidious example is “MLM”, an amorphous concept that no person seems to truly understand and which appears to shift meaning with no regard to context.
I speak, of course, …
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …
![A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"](/media/vol3/issue6/images/missedc_Nf3bH9F.png)
Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …
In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …
Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …
We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …
Dear Recent Graduates,
Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …
Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …
Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …
As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …
