Paid for by: I'm not sure anymore, are we just a front for the mob?

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

README POLLS

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

readme returns!

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job