Readme Gets Absurd

Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Gelt still more real than crypto • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective