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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

Baba Yaga booth

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Wait, people actually read this?

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?

I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

Remember to tip your TAs! • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws • Remember to tip your TAs! • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Why can't Israel and Pakistan just get along? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws.