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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected


Traffic Calming Solution

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

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My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."
A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.
Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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Readme: Sex Sells

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Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"
My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Rabbi hot?! • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Rabbi hot?! • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me?