Readme Wins Gold

Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • Statue of Liberty deported • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Rabbi hot?! • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • Statue of Liberty deported. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Rabbi hot?! • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats