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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.
An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

The 'car' in Carnegie

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

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A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."
"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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Readme Sex Survey Results

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

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Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

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"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

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An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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A word search, but the words are all censored.
An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"
A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.
USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief