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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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Stop asking where I'm from

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

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[TODO]

Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

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The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.
A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

This Week In Bears

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

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Readme Takes A Sick Day

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A Disease for Every Department

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

So you've heard of 122?

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

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Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").
A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.

A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

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readme introduces the BoothBuggy

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

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Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

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A modern dialectic of oppression

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.