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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature running toward the camera.

The Donner Creature

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

(New) Intern's Report

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

A fun spin on a popular childhood game

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Gelt still more real than crypto • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • King Charles III to consider castling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Bechdel Test added to autograder • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • How to feng shui your killdozer • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • King Charles III to consider castling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • How to feng shui your killdozer • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny