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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

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Readme Throws A Carnival

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Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

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Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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An illustration of a stick figure being attacked by the Scotty dog in the CMU logo, captioned "beware feral scottie dogs."

The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

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A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Don't Come Back

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

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An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Rabbi hot?! • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Rabbi hot?! • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad."