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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."
A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."
A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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Readme Communists Exposed!

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)
An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.
An intensely detailed hand-sketched map of CMU, interspersed with doodles and thoughts.
"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"
A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.
CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered