King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Gelt still more real than crypto • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Anatomy class adds study inside component • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections
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A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …!["Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]](/media/vol2/issue7/images/sub3_BgjPE7s.png)
