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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Reid Starzl • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

History's first booth

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

HUNT SPECIAL - Carnegie Mellon University’s springtime Carnival brings with it many beloved traditions, perhaps most recognizable of all, Booth, a weeklong mad sprint through constructing marvelously untrustworthy houses. But did you know that the roots of booth trace back to far before CMU’s founding? Back before the scientists of …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

CMU Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Rabbi hot?! • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Rabbi hot?! • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model.