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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Anti Anti Aging Cream

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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It's Gone

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

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How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Rabbi hot?! • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Rabbi hot?! • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M.