Paid for by: Artifacts stolen from the CMU Archives

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

A photograph of a dog wearing a tie. Above the dog is text saying "George Michael welcomes you back...TO HELL!"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

Readme Sex Survey Results

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

A screw driver

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Scotty Dog missed you. So did we, if you even care about that.

// Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

By Dr. Johnathan Speed • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • ... and it's the ugly 30% • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger.