Readme Gets Absurd

Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Gelt still more real than crypto • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Rabbi hot?! • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Rabbi hot?! • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog”