Readme Wins Gold

CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you!