Readme Gets Absurd

USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Gelt still more real than crypto • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Rabbi hot?! • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Gelt still more real than crypto. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Rabbi hot?! • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical