Readme Gets Absurd

Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Rabbi hot?! • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Rabbi hot?! • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response