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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

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Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

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Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

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readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

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An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

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Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

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A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Gelt still more real than crypto • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees