Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up