CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Tenth dentist speaks out • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Tenth dentist speaks out • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers.
