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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

The 'car' in Carnegie

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Best clubs for returning freshmen

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

By Steve Tummler • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Tenth dentist speaks out • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • I met Santa Claus, she's black • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Tenth dentist speaks out • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • I'm only going to be seeing one kind of Python this Valentine's day. • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers.