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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Field Guide To Sabotage

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Citron • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A chart with divorce winnings decided by a 6-sided die roll. 1 is the car keys, 2 is silverware set, 3 is grandpa's urn, 4 is racist memorabilia, 5 is whiskey collection, and 6 is THE HOUSE!!!

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Interview with a recent grad

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

"Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]

Kevin Song & Samson Rozansky • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

A sketch of a milkshake stand with no customers and two tipped-over milkshakes. The proprietor is crying. A sign states "National Milkshake Day, September 12th, 2001"

Greeshma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Victim Escapes Samsara • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’”