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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

So you want to TA a class

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

Campus Activity Report

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

By Abe James • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • To meet rising demand, U.S. Mint begins distributing the 1/100th dollar bill • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Confidential: Exam answers revealed to student in Hunan noodles • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job.