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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Readme Polls: Do you read Readme or the Tartan?

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Inside ReadMe Legal

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

…

Thieving Mice

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

By Phong • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Rabbi hot?! • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Rabbi hot?! • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing