Readme Gets Absurd

CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered