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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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What are they carrying to the sky?

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

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How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?

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Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

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Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

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Readme Takes A Sick Day

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Overheard at CMU

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

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A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

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"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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(New) Intern's Report

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

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The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.
Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • I met Santa Claus, she's black • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now!