Paid for by: Reindeer poaching in and around the North Pole.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Read more

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Read more


A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."
"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]
"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]
An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"
A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."
A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)
A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

Read more

The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

Read more

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.
Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost
"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]
A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."
A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.
An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.
A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.
A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.
CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare.