Paid for by: Mugging Carolers and stealing from Santa
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Read more

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Read more


Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

Read more

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

Read more

Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

Read more

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

Read more

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

Read more

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

Read more

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Read more

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

Read more

"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Read more

ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

Read more

Students assign professors work in novel education plan

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

Read more

Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

Read more

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Read more

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

Read more

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.
Coming soon...[readme logo with "uncensored" stamp] Sex! Drugs! Unedited fanfics! Be on the lookout for "readme, UNCENSORED"!

Readme: Sex Sells

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

Read more

Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • In Farnam's absence, students erect golden Scotty Dog statue • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals