Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Rabbi hot?! • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Math Department discovers non-Euclidean space in Doherty Hall Clevel • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Rabbi hot?! • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC