Readme Gets Absurd

Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger.