Readme Gets Absurd

"I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Rabbi hot?! • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • King Charles III to consider castling • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Victim Escapes Samsara • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Rabbi hot?! • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • King Charles III to consider castling • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall