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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Readme's Homework Eating Service

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

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A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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A word search, but the words are all censored.

What to say to a tour guide

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

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CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

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A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.
Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Readme Studies Abroad

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A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

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A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

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The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Summer returns to Pittsburgh after covert groundhog assassination succeeds. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?"