Paid for by: The Wretched hands of global capitalism and Kevin
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

Read more

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Read more


A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

Read more

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

Read more

Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

Read more

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.
The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

Readme Takes A Sick Day

Read more

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

Read more

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

Read more

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

Read more

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

Read more

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

Read more

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

Read more

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

Read more

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Carnegie Mellon Updates Enrollment Contract, Since Nobody Reads Those Things Anyway: Here are Some of the Details

In an email sent directly to students’ spam folders, Carnegie Mellon University has announced changes to the contract signed by all students upon enrollment. “Because no one is going to read this,” Provost Jim Garrett writes in the email, “we are proud to announce that we have made some of …

Read more

Interwar Update

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

Read more

Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"

Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …

Read more

Readme Crime Report

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

Read more

World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Gelt still more real than crypto • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Statue of Liberty deported • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • King Charles III to consider castling • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Statue of Liberty deported. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • King Charles III to consider castling • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved.