Paid for by: you?????
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Read more

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

Read more


A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

Read more

An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

Read more

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

Read more

Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

Read more

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

Read more

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

Read more

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

Read more

An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

Read more

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Read more

Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

Read more

"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"
[TODO]

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

Read more

CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

Read more

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

Read more

Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

Read more

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Read more

A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

Read more

If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • King Charles III to consider castling • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Rabbi hot?! • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • I met Santa Claus, she's black • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • King Charles III to consider castling • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Rabbi hot?! • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing