Paid for by: I'm not sure anymore, are we just a front for the mob?
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Readme Goes to Shul

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

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Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

Interwar Update

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

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A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

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Winning the War on Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

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A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

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A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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[TODO]

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

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A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.
"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

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A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.
Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

A Letter From The Editor

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

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SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Remember to tip your TAs! • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • I met Santa Claus, she's black • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Rest in Peace Buddy • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Tenth dentist speaks out • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Remember to tip your TAs! • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Rest in Peace Buddy • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Tenth dentist speaks out • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale.