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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

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Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026
Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026
Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026
Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

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Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

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Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

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So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

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An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]
Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024
Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026
Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025
A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".
Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Beloved Football Chants At CMU

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."
Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Candidates for a 51st State

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

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A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"
Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Ranking CMU's presidents

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia

By "Tyan Rosh" & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!

10. Ukraine

Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …

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[TODO]
Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024
[TODO]
Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

By Dr. Evil • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

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An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."
Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024
SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Rabbi hot?! • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Rabbi hot?! • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer. • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Should the student handbook legalize blackmail? • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children.