Readme Gets Absurd

CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • All of Science wrong. Oops • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • All of Science wrong. Oops. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot