Paid for by: Foreign assets, illegal wire transfers, and money order
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Read more

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

Read more


Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

Read more

A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.
A logo depicting a dragon with a black head and red jaw, which has "CMU" stamped on it in serif font.

README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

Read more

What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

Read more

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

Read more

An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.
An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

Read more

Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

Read more

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

Read more

Tax Guide for Santa's Presents

After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, …

Read more

A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

Read more

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

Read more

Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Read more

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

Read more

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

Read more

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

Read more

Torah Review

Noah’s Ark
🔯🔯
Great ocean scenery but they put me with the only other human and he keeps looking at me weird.

Tower of Babel
🔯🔯🔯
Gribbledorf zanks flomptiously squibberwump’s jibbleflop.

Cain and Abel
🔯🔯🔯🔯
If my dad named me Cain, I’d also be pissed …

Read more

Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Rabbi hot?! • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Kanye up to something • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Rabbi hot?! • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Kanye up to something • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals