Paid for by: Severance payouts from the Post-Gazette staff

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Tales from Frick Park IV: They have a mouth and must not scream

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“Alright everyone, if we could gather in a semicircle—yes, perfect— watch your step there. Welcome to Carnegie Mellon University! My name is Victor and I’ll be your tour guide today.

Behind me you’ll see one of our most iconic landmarks: Walking to the Sky. Feel free to take a …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Vote Wean Hall!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

By Thatcher Maggie • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

5-Minute Crafts: ECE!

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Ah, 18-100 introduction to Electrical & Computer Engineering, truly a quintessential class in the Carnegie Mellon undergraduate experience. Students get to build various fun labs every week, such as building 3 bit adders, a radio, and even programming their own machine learning classification system! To be able to complete such …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • Victim Escapes Samsara • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym.