Warning
sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …
Derealizating
Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …
On buying a minifridge
Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …
Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …
Thieving Mice
For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …
Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie …
The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord
Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.
Tip 1: Your …
Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!
On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.
Your class is infamous …
Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation
It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …
Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop
PITTSBURGH, PA
(Whis L. Blower)
In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …
Top 10 Tops
10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.
9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.
8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.
7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?
6. Michael Cera …
Founder's Body Found in Doherty
Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …
I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence
When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …
Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall
After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …
SCC preps for Carnival
As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally …
The 'car' in Carnegie
Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.
A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …
Wait, people actually read this?
Just to like confirm, people read this shit? Like, this? Like ReadMe? This ReadMe? There’s not a different ReadMe CMU satire magazine right? Just this one? Which to reiterate, people read?
I thought this magazine only existed to use up our print quota. I thought we only put this …
Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer
Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.
“It’s easy to look …
Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025
The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …
A Song for Dear Ol' Tech
I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium
I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …
CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72
The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …
Argumentative Essay
In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…
The Homosexual Conundrum
Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …
I called Pitt Police to CMU
Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …
"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say
Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …
I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute
It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …
Steam Tunnels Missed Connection
I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …
Updates from Physics
An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.
Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …
Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen
Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …
So you've heard of 122?
So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …
Duo Push Goes Rogue
An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …
I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning
The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …
Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"
All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …
Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud
Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …
Auntie readme's Advice
After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …
CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt
PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.
Twelve twentyfive p.m.
President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”
Four explosions, …
Carnegie Crime Report
README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …
A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU
Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …
Warning
sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …
Dear Alumni:
Dear CMU alumni,
I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …
Interwar Update
Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …
Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law
Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …
Overheard at CMU
Feb 19
motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …
Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually
If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …
A modern dialectic of oppression
In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …
Buggy: An Introduction
So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:
1) You are short
2) You went …
FAST and RAW Romance Advice
Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.
YOU are failing to communicate. …
SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy
The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …
I Just Shat Myself in a Macys
Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies
I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …
Fruity Take on CMU Housing
Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.
…
New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students
Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.
SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …
Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines
In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.
“How tall are you?”
“Can you get inside?”
“Are you …
CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce
In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.
While the 9-story building was conceived …
Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe
Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!
We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …
STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh
Abstract
While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …
Help Wanted: Password Guesses
As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …
README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters
The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …
Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once
Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.
I …
Feng Shui to make you forget them
Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …
Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted
Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …
How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home
With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …
Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School
While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …
Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'
Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.
Students at the …
Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system
A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …
Entropy+ Dissolves
Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …
REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp
Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …
Everyone I date becomes lesbian
Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.
It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …
Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming
Abstract
Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …
One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work
The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …
A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.
It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.
This policy grants …
Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm
As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …
Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity
From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …
Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon
Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.
However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …