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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

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Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

"Drowning in tuition debt? Ready to win big!? CMU is proud to announce that students now have the option to "Double or Nothing" their tuition!" [photo of Warner Hall with large "CASINO" letters]

Kevin Song & Samson Rozansky • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

README POLLS

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96 • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995-96. • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Opinions: Dishwashers are the LLMs of the household appliance world. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions.