Readme Gets Absurd

"I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Gelt still more real than crypto • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • I met Santa Claus, she's black • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced