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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]
An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]
A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

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There will come soft Tanks

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

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A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."
The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

The Bill of Commandments

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

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A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

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News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls.