Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Thieving Mice

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature running toward the camera.

The Donner Creature

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

…

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

On the Four Questions

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

By Dr. Et Al., John Jahanian, Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill"