Paid for by: Mothers against Drunk Buggy Driving
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

Read more

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Read more


CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

Read more

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

Read more

FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

Read more

Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

Read more

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

Read more

The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Read more

I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

Read more

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Read more

Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

Read more

The Hunt

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

Read more

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

Read more

Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

Read more

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Read more

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Read more

CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Fuck you vampires, I've got HIV! • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Fuck you vampires, I've got HIV! • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately