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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme: Sex Sells

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

What is Sex? An Investigative Account

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

Senior Starts Quantitative Finance Firm Specializing in Block Market

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

At Carnegie Mellon University, the start of the 2025 school year has witnessed the rise of a new financial titan: a junior Computational Finance major, Manya N. Power, has launched QuantBlock Solutions, a quantitative finance firm specializing in trading the block market. “The emotional, speculative trading of the freshman selling …

Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

A representative sample of CMU Missed Connections.

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

Top 10 Tops

By Tulip Sondisdik • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera …

Readme gets divorced

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.

10:06 AM

Readme’s lawyer has requested that …

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Citron • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

By Greeshma • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog.