Paid for by: Suspicious plants we're growing in the Stever basement.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Read more

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Read more


Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

Read more

Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

Read more

STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

Read more

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

To My 8 A.M.s:

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

Read more

Readme Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Read more

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]
"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Proposal for a new meme

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

Read more

[TODO]

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

Read more

Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

Read more

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

Read more

Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

Read more

CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

Read more

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

Read more

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

  1. When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.

  2. Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.

  3. When …

Read more

Viva La Revolution

Read more

Readme Takes A Sick Day

Read more

How to feng shui your killdozer • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • Rabbi hot?! • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • How to feng shui your killdozer • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • Rabbi hot?! • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse