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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

He's in prison.

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A drawing of a catperson with glasses. It says "cat for sale / 1 dollar / comes with Anxiety / smells like homosexuality"

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

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On the Four Questions

First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …

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The Hunt

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

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Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

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Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

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Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

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A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

The Best Crime Report

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

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A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

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An Open Letter to the CMU community

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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[REDACTED] • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • King Charles III to consider castling • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • [REDACTED] • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • King Charles III to consider castling • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Student trains for Olympic speedwalking by signing up for class in Mellon Institute • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good)