Readme Gets Absurd

Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Rest in Peace Buddy • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Rest in Peace Buddy • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U.