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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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There will come soft Tanks

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

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Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

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A logo depicting a dragon with a black head and red jaw, which has "CMU" stamped on it in serif font.
A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine",  "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

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Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Warning

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Readme Sells Out

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Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered.