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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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README POLLS

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Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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Freshman Randomly Selected to Eat Posters off Walls of Wean

Following a year of intense budget cuts, the CMU front office has taken a radical new approach to keeping the designated poster areas clean around Wean Hall. One poor sap has been plucked from the freshman class this winter break and tasked with consuming all papers, posters, and club-related paraphernalia …

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The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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A Very Readme Christmas

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

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Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."
A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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A Letter from the Editor

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

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CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

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President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • I met Santa Claus, she's black • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale.