Readme Gets Absurd

Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Tenth dentist speaks out • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Gelt still more real than crypto • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Rabbi hot?! • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Tenth dentist speaks out • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Rabbi hot?! • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees