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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

Overheard at CMU

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG

Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

…

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Best clubs for returning freshmen

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Based on a true-ish story.

// Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Getting Ready for a Date with ReadMe

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Welcome back readers to another installment of ReadMe’s daily blog. Today I have an extra-special edition- join me today as we get ready for a first date! Follow along to certainly wow a beau to be!

We’re starting off with a good foundation for our morning routine: ensuring our …

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Gelt still more real than crypto • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • I met Santa Claus, she's black • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Victim Escapes Samsara • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing?