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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Warning

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

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I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

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To My 8 A.M.s:

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

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CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

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A Letter from the Editor

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

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Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • How to feng shui your killdozer • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Fuck you vampires, I've got HIV! • Bechdel Test added to autograder • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • How to feng shui your killdozer • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Fuck you vampires, I've got HIV! • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today