Paid for by: Extensive lawyer fees and two bungled investigations
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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We're broke

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

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The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]
An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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We need to talk.

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

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A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.
Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Overheard at CMU

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

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The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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Readme Crime Report

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

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CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

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A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Thieving Mice

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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A Letter from the Editor

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

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15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"
README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Gelt still more real than crypto • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Gelt still more real than crypto. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes.