Paid for by: Generations of Dog Breeding

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Hungry?

By author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

CMU Finals rife with cheating

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

By "Tyan Rosh" & Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Based on a true-ish story.

// Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

So much scamming and thieving is happening around campus lately. It's bad for the university, but great for my job stability.

Stolen Forbes Beeler Installation

Recently, the sculpture outside of the Forbes Beeler apartments has been stolen. Large scuff marks leading to Fairfax have been found by students. …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

"Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Rabbi hot?! • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Rabbi hot?! • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house