Readme Gets Absurd

Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Rabbi hot?! • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Rabbi hot?! • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad."