Paid for by: the Deep State, the Illuminati, and all other shadow organizations. Except Student Senate tho.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We need to talk.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

By Dr. Johnathan Speed • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Innovative research on inducing of maximal misery

By Dr. Evil • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.

Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Winning the War on Christmas

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

"I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English