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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

An As-Seen-On-TV-style advertisement for "Hidden Camera Hat," a secretive way to cheat on finals. It includes a picture of the product, which has a massive and absurdly obvious camera atop a baseball cap.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Don't ask Scotty who she cheered for during the 2026 Winter Olympics

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

RA finds Olympic torch during room check • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected.