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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Sells Out


So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

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Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

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Readme Goes to Shul

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

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SCS Students to join call centers en masse

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

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An Open Letter to the CMU community

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"

Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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A modern dialectic of oppression

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

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Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

The Homosexual Conundrum

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

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Readme Gets Absurd

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A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

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CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

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Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Kanye up to something • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Remember to tip your TAs! • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Kanye up to something • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Remember to tip your TAs! • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide.