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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

He's in prison.

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[TODO]

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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New job opportunities for recent graduates.

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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Readme Crime Report

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

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Introducing Tall Booth

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."
A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Rabbi hot?! • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Statue of Liberty deported • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Freak temperature drop causes huge windfall for smalltalk enjoyers. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Rabbi hot?! • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Statue of Liberty deported. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing?