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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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Making Money on Campus

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

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Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

The Homosexual Conundrum

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

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Jewish Space Lasers are SDC's newest buggy strategy

Last week during rolls, SDC buggy unveiled their newest buggy: Greed. The new design features a shorter body and lower ceiling, as well as a front mounted laser cannon. Upon questioning by ReadmE on what the purpose of this laser was, SDC merely responded that it was classified. However, …

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Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

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ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

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A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

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Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Victim Escapes Samsara • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter.