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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.
A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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Tarring and Feathering: The Skincare Hack You've Never Heard Of

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been living through crazy times. Every piece of news from the town crier spikes your cortisol, disgusting soldiers keep asking to sleep with you, and herbal teas have become STUPIDLY expensive. (Seriously, girls. You might as well throw your money in the Boston Harbor.)

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Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

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North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

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Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

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readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.
A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.
A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Do you want to hear a joke?

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

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A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Breaking: Worst man you know is about to dangle mistletoe over his head • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections