Readme Gets Absurd

If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • King Charles III to consider castling • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Rabbi hot?! • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • I met Santa Claus, she's black • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • King Charles III to consider castling • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Rabbi hot?! • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing