Readme Gets Absurd

Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Tenth dentist speaks out • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Tenth dentist speaks out • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid.