Paid for by: Runoff funds from the Department of War
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

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CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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PlayMe

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Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

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A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

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I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

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Fence demolished in zoning dispute

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.
3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Lube offered for Wean holes • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • How to tell if your ice sculptures are ethically sourced. • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Lube offered for Wean holes.