Readme Gets Absurd

Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar