Paid for by: CSB in its efforts to control the competition

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Readme Joins Fight Against Global Warming on Side of Global Warming

By Jonathan Wang • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

The Shell oil company's logo, with Readme written in place of the wordmark Readme financial officer Benner Rogers has stepped forward with the reason why Readme has recently filed for chapter 15 bankruptcy.

“It’s because of all the crude oil we’re buying”. She says.

Crude oil, which is $1.70 per gallon at the time of writing this article, has recently seen …

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A chart with divorce winnings decided by a 6-sided die roll. 1 is the car keys, 2 is silverware set, 3 is grandpa's urn, 4 is racist memorabilia, 5 is whiskey collection, and 6 is THE HOUSE!!!

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • CMU revises clone policy so you can take two exams at the same time • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • POLLS: President May Be Elected • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Tired of protein shakes? Gym bros invent "carb shakes" comprised of beer, ground pasta, and soft-serve ice cream. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault.