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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

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Overheard at CMU

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "


"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

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CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

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Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

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An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"

Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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A PSA to check the CO detectors

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

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CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

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readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kanye up to something • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kanye up to something • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport.