As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …
It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …
Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …
The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.
A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …
Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …
An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.
On November 31, 2023, municipal …
![[TODO]](/media/vol4/issue0/images/TargetLamp_UvBmh7Y.jpg)
It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.
The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …
Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.
Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles
Two bears have recently joined …
![[TODO]](/media/vol4/issue4/images/notdeer_AuD76Kn.png)
Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …
February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.
“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …
With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.
…2:33 PM
It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …
Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …
The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …
In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:
The unchecked proliferation …
It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …
![May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]](/media/vol3/issue2/images/GeorgeTryingTimes_8zLAVFo.png)
As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …
With final exams fast approaching, overall misery levels on campus are rising steadily. While CMU is one of the top schools in the nation in overall misery production per student, several changes can be implemented to greatly increase this ratio.
Misery is defined as the aggregate sum of various …
