Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • I met Santa Claus, she's black • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a freeforall as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV?
![The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"](/media/vol4/issue1/images/tylenot_9zWks4g.png)
The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …
