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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

CMU confers Class of '28 Dogbreeding License onto unidentified, dashing Readme staffer

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

We need to talk.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale.