Readme Gets Absurd

Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Statue of Liberty deported • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Statue of Liberty deported. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone.