Paid for by: Death, Laundry, and Taxes
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"
A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."

readme booth to bring back factory towns

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

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A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.
A word search in the wingdings emoji font.
"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.
An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.
"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

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A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)
"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."
"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]
[TODO]

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.
A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.
A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Rabbi hot?! • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Kanye up to something • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Rabbi hot?! • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Kanye up to something • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent.