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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

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Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

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An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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Readme Gets Deployed

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Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

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Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.
A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

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This Week In Bears

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

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A sketch of a horse drawing a (CMU-style) buggy.

Readme Takes A Sick Day

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King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Gelt still more real than crypto • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Anatomy class adds study inside component • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections