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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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Readme Reviews

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

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readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

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ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

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Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

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A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

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A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).
An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."
A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

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In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • How to feng shui your killdozer • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Gelt still more real than crypto • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Rabbi hot?! • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • How to feng shui your killdozer • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Rabbi hot?! • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings!