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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

readme returns!

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

Student gives 75 classmates AIVs

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to …

Don't Come Back

By 'Bertram' "Bertie" (Wilberforce) Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

By Coward • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

It's Gone

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

2:33 PM

It’s the day before printing. Time to finally write that article the editor-in-chief keeps asking me for. Let me just check the pitch tracker to see what I’m supposed to write about… huh, it’s just a blank spot next to my name. That’s weird. Our secretary’s usually …

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

SCS Students to join call centers en masse

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming …

"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"

Anonymous • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walkby shootings • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • I met Santa Claus, she's black.