Paid for by: Someone who got their Hanukkah money early

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Readme Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

By Citron & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Based on a true-ish story.

// Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Overheard at CMU

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "

"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Tarot Cards for CMU Students

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

October 29, 1929: "Block Tuesday" Leaves Freshmen Destitute

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

At Carnegie Mellon University, the end of the 1920s saw unprecedented financial ruin for many first-year students. The meal-block economy had crescendoed throughout the decade, with blocks selling for a whopping 50% of their original worth. Unfortunately, this lucrative exchange could not last forever. The block market imploded, wiping out …

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

By O’Connall Haytier • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

Human Mating Calls: The Bird Perspective

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Humans are among nature’s most social animals. They are renowned for their group migrations, cooperative foraging, communal roosting, synchronous breeding aggregations, precise parent–offspring interactions, coordinated group defenses, and intricate territorial and courtship rituals. In these and other contexts, and indeed in most moments of their lives, humans’ capability to navigate …

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

A letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • King Charles III to consider castling • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • I met Santa Claus, she's black • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Megachurch forms PokéStop • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • King Charles III to consider castling • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Megachurch forms PokéStop • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage