Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Gelt still more real than crypto • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • I met Santa Claus, she's black • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Gelt still more real than crypto. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Wean Eight-Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer
As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …![May I offer you a George Michael in these trying times? [photo of a cute dog]](/media/vol3/issue2/images/GeorgeTryingTimes_8zLAVFo.png)
