Paid for by: Andrew Carnegie himself. We think.

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A Disease for Every Department

By README • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Readme Gets Deployed

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

The Readme crime report isn’t just focused just on the happenings on campus, we are also well connected to the city around us! In this issue of the crime report, we at readme present to you the most serious news from Pittsburgh. This is definitely not because we ran out …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

A modern dialectic of oppression

By Reyzl Limenesser • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises.