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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

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Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

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CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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Readme Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

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President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

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CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

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A modern dialectic of oppression

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

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[TODO]

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

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Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96.