Readme Gets Absurd

Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide.