Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.
[TODO]

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

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A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

A Very Readme Christmas

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

So you've heard of 122?

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

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"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]
A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

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CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • Gelt still more real than crypto • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Tenth dentist speaks out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Tenth dentist speaks out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half.