Paid for by: Artifacts stolen from the CMU Archives

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

An ad for "5 hour Melcius", which is a combination of Celsius, Monster, and 5-hour Energy. it is described as helping with locking in, locking out, 122 exam, normal breathing patterns, too much sleep, "and so much more!". This is followed by a long and extremely detailed list of ghastly side effects.

Archibald The Great • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

EADME CIME EPOT

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

On Pediatrics

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

By @tqte.mcra3_hq on twt • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • King Charles III to consider castling • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • King Charles III to consider castling • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Booth Teardown migrates off Midway, Maggie Mo destroyed • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Local first-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls. • "1929 will be my year" says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Woke professor spends half of lecture on land acknowledgement only to immediately deadname student • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good)