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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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A logo depicting a dragon with a black head and red jaw, which has "CMU" stamped on it in serif font.
A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.
A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."
[TODO]
[TODO]
An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Readme Crime Report

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

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Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

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The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

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A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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readme booth to bring back factory towns

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

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Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Statue of Liberty deported • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Statue of Liberty deported. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone.