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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Naturally, the Italian military was keen to establish outposts in the area

// Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

5 Inessential oils every parent doesn't need

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Cold and flu season is fast approaching, and many mamas are wondering how to keep their littles healthy. If that sounds like you, then you’ve come to the right place! In my seven years as a Platinum Distributor at GaiaLife, I’ve learned that oils have a special power. Give any …

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

I used to hate French People

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

[Picture of a dog begging] "Begging lessons from the pros: pay off your student loans, scam old people, get yummy food, pass your exams! The possibilities are endless!!! Contact via dog whistle TODAY"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

You do the learning so we don't have to!

// Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

By Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Truancy StuCo shut down for record-low attendance • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • 98304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-Hours-Straight-Of-Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule."