Paid for by: Artifacts stolen from the CMU Archives
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

  1. When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.

  2. Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.

  3. When …

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Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.

readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

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readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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So you've heard of 122?

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."
A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

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Overheard at CMU

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "


"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

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A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"
CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC • Rabbi hot?! • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Naughty List leaked • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • CMU to finally address mental health crisis by installing slightly softer chairs in GHC. • Rabbi hot?! • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Court rules haunted houses are not acceptable grounds to utilize stand your ground laws. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Naughty List leaked. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture.