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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It is admitted students weekend. Yes, it is Carnival, but it is also admitted students weekend. And admitted students weekend means it is the perfect opportunity to impart some well-earned knowledge upon the bright-eyed pests scurrying about campus, excited for their “futures” or whatever. Because caring about that’s lame as …

What to say to a tour guide

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Crystals for home improvement

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

An image captioned "Scotty Game / Rules: don't look at this Scotty dog!". The image is of a Scotty dog which contains the text "Game Over."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Christmas tips for children of divorce

By Inverse Parental Alienator • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

Breaking news: Andrew Carnegie actually an English major! "What the fuck are all these engineers doing here? I founded CMU to teach students how to read Macbeth, not how to build stupid robots. Also why are women enrolled?" - Andrew Carnegie's Ghost

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

By Alan Joseph • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

By Phong • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

Updates from Physics

By Mr. Anomalocaris • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Spot the difference!

// Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Gelt still more real than crypto • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard. • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate).