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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

Tired of Binge Drinking? Try Vibe Drinking

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Let me tell you about a CMU student named Bob. I actually don’t know a person named Bob at CMU, but let’s just say he’s real. Like many other students at CMU, he has no friends, no girlfriend, no money, no sexual activity, no summer internship lined up, no loving …

Pierre de Fermat • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

A grid of boxes labeled "Do It Yourself Wordle!"

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

Love Letters To README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Rest in Peace Buddy • Gelt still more real than crypto • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Rest in Peace Buddy • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks.