Readme Wins Gold

Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Rest in Peace Buddy • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • SCC warns that buggy drivers may find themselves behind the wheel of a large automobile, and that booth chairs may find themselves in a beautiful house • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Rest in Peace Buddy • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time