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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

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CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

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Readme Communists Exposed!

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Read more

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

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CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

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"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Readme Takes A Sick Day

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The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"
A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Candidates for a 51st State

In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …

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Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

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Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

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A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.
A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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Morewood Gardens on fire.
"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

A modern dialectic of oppression

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

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Linguists invent new slur for couples • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • King Charles III to consider castling • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • Rabbi hot?! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • King Charles III to consider castling • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • Rabbi hot?! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor