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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Read more


A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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The Best Crime Report

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

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All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

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Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

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Help Wanted: Password Guesses

A check made out from the Make-A-Wish Foundation to readMe Incorporated for $400,000, with a memo identifying it as being for "releasing the children unharmed" As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just …

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Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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A College Student's Guide to saving money

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

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An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

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Stop asking where I'm from

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

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How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

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Triamgle Mightmare

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

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They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

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My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Rest in Peace Buddy • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Rest in Peace Buddy • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality ­ Report • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • College of Engineering to drop ethics requirements from core to better align with industry standard. • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals