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Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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[TODO]

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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[TODO]

A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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Overheard at CMU

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "


"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

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Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."
Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

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A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

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A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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Founder's Body Found in Doherty

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C­-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

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Texas Instruments Threats, and Bombs, Rapidly Defused

Texas Instruments Incorporated. Beloved creator of worldwide-use calculators, fine electrical equipment, and high explosives.

In this week that will forever go down in history, TI merged its fields of expertise into one product to blow them all away: The TI-C4s, a new line of explosive-rigged calculators. And CMU – …

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CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Anatomy class adds study inside component • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • I met Santa Claus, she's black • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • King Charles III to consider castling • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • King Charles III to consider castling • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video.