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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

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Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

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A photo of an astronaut on the moon next to a flag displaying readme's logo.

readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

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On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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A Letter from the Editor

I was on break :)

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Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

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Morewood Gardens on fire.

Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

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Fence demolished in zoning dispute

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

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Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

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Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • All of Science wrong. Oops • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • "Wean Eight-­Floor Dash in event of broken elevators" to become Olympic sport. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • The impending draft will be great for my grad school resume • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-­nighters • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it