As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …
Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …
Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …
Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …
Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…
This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …
As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …
Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.
“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …
The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …
I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …
README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …
EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …
The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka
The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.
The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …
It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …
If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.
By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …
As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …
With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …
First Date
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.
Second Date
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