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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

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An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Joe Biden Definitely Not Running Again

we swear it's not Biden why don't you believe us

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Join Readme in Protest Against Leap Year

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Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU

Introduction

When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …

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Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

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Rejected O-Week Logo Designs

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Readme Lands on the Moon

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Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

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Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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Fuck your exams back

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Overheard at CMU

Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"

Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "


"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …

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Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

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Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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Fluoride Free Water

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Cryptid Corner: HOMUNCULI

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SCC preps for Carnival

As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally …

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On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • King Charles III to consider castling • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • King Charles III to consider castling • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma