Paid for by: Extensive lawyer fees and two bungled investigations
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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Making Money on Campus

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

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Gay Target Nutcrackers find true love

T’was a dark and stormy night in the Target warehouse. It had been months since June, and all but one little gay nutcracker had found a forever home. Tears streamed down the face of the little gay nutcracker. Was he unlovable? Was he destined to be alone? Was this all …

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"How many times did you vote this election? (Sample Size: 500 students)" [a pie chart with the following data: 0–2 is 29.5%, 3–5 is 47.7%, 6–10 is 15.9%, and 11+ is 6.8%]

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

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Readme Sells Out

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

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An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

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Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

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From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

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Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

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A logo depicting a dragon with a black head and red jaw, which has "CMU" stamped on it in serif font.
[TODO]

Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

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CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Victim Escapes Samsara • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Does the third amendment let me kick out my ROTC roommate? • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Victim Escapes Samsara. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "Fire!" and other things to shout during a popular movie. • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter.