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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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A Letter from the Editor

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

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[TODO]
A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.
An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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"CMU Designs new dating app!" [Image of a white man and an asian woman (promise this is relevant) grinning and pointing to a smartphone] "JOIN NOW if you are: an incredibly attractive Asian woman OR...just a white guy"

Interview with a recent grad

Despite CMU’s robust engineering programs, many recent graduates struggle to find a job right for them. Specifically, a job that doesn’t involve sending missiles to third-world countries. README correspondent Benner Rogers sat down with a recent graduate to find out what makes today’s job market so murderous.

Could you …

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A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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A Lamborghini ad showing a positive trend between employee wages and satisfaction next to a picture of an office worker in front of a Lamborghini. The bottom reads "the choice is yours."
An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"

Zoning Dispute Leaves Carnegie Mellon With a Broken Fence and Broken Heart

An unknown, century-long zoning conflict between Carnegie Mellon and the city of Pittsburgh has recently come to light in a particularly destructive way: the Fence, a CMU tradition harking back to the early days of the university, is to be demolished next Wednesday.

On November 31, 2023, municipal …

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An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

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A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

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README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

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King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • SCS class names shortened to series of grunts and whistles • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Local first­-year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls.