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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

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An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

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The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

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New ID Loopholes allow for underage drinking!

Readme is proud to announce that it will be hosting a party this Friday night to welcome all incoming freshmen present for o-week, and yes, there will be alcohol. To be invited, simply bring a copy of this week’s Readme issue with you and show it to our bouncer. “What …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

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"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"

Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

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A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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My cat is an asshole

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.
98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • How to feng shui your killdozer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • How to feng shui your killdozer • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • California fires evicted after failure to meet high rent prices • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing