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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

A quiz labeled "Am I Austistic Quiz" with the subtitle "Find out now for free!" It has three questions: "What's your name?", "What's your date of birth?", and "Do you have autism?" (with options A and B for yes and no respectively). At the bottom, upside down text says "Key: Did you mostly select 'A'? You're autistic! Did you mostly select 'B'? Chances are you're not autistic."

100% Accurate Autism test

// John Autism • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

Argumentative Essay

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Feng Shui to make you forget them

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Auntie ReadMe’s: How To Participate In Carnival Traditions

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Well, it’s really a shame that I died under “mysterious circumstances” the week before Carnival, because dying kind of sucks and there are several Carnival traditions that center it, such as “the crucifixion of every member of the losing booth orgs on their leftover pieces of wood.” That’s okay though, …

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

Three students injured in West Point cake cutting ritual, reports claim

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Last Friday, the nightly dessert distribution at United States Military Academy West Point turned deadly. Jeff, the plebe assigned to cut the fruitcake, doffed his hat and removed the laminated cake-slicing template from beneath it. He brushed fresh buzzcut hairs off the template and placed it on the cake. There …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Rabbi hot?! • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Rabbi hot?! • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot.