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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Overheard at CMU

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG

Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

…

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Campus Activity Report

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

"Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

CMU Cancelled, Go Home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

By Warren J. Caulfield • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

Where to buy Adderall on campus

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

The Best Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

…

CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

By TheCountFan789 • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Remember to tip your TAs! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Remember to tip your TAs! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex