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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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"Are you a small Asian woman? CMU wants YOU for buggy driving! Contact a buggy org and strap into a tin can today!"
A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

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A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.
A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Interwar Update

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

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"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]
"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

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CMU's New COUNTermeasure Against Protest

In order to properly enforce the new expressive action rule, CMU has hired the educational celebrity, The Count from Sesame Street, to count crowds on campus and make sure none exceed tvventy four. The students seem to be taking the new member of the Carnegie Mellon family vvell. “It’s a …

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Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"

CMU announces austerity to reduce funding woes

Amidst rising inflation costs and increasing building maintenance fees, Carnegie Mellon University administration voted to implement austerity measures as a cost-cutting measure.

The English department will be entirely destroyed, as there are only 4 English majors anyways, and all social sciences will have budgets slashed in half, and the …

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Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.
An illustration of a stick figure being attacked by the Scotty dog in the CMU logo, captioned "beware feral scottie dogs."
A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

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People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

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An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.
Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Megachurch forms PokéStop • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • I met Santa Claus, she's black • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Megachurch forms PokéStop • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me?