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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival

The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …

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An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.
A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)
"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]
A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"
A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.
Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.
An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.
"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]
A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.
An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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[TODO]

The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

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Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

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Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Kanye up to something • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Charles III to consider castling • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Kanye up to something • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • King Charles III to consider castling • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected.