Paid for by: All that filthy, filthy, sponsorship money

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The Lottery

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

A screenshot of a browser search history filled with "hot fbi agents," surrounded by pictures of FBI agents and hearts. "I know you can see my search history you know how badly I need this <3"

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

Readme Election Corner (2024)

By Political Correspondent™ • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

SCC preps for Carnival

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally …

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

By Cindy Gao • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

A great-depression-era bread line, but for mental health.

"Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

CMU to literally go to war with U of Pitt

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

PITTSBURGH, Pa. The cannons were readied. The troops were in position. We had the element of surprise.

Twelve twentyfive p.m.

President Jahanian, standing in Napoleonic fashion behind the frontline that had assembled atop Warner Hall, let his arm drop and gave the order. “Fire!”

Four explosions, …

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

Meat • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

FAST and RAW Romance Advice

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate. …

Kirby's Adventure NES Review

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a …

A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Anatomy class adds study inside component • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • King Charles III to consider castling • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • King Charles III to consider castling • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Noah complains that God's 'gone woke' after Ark flooded. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog”