Paid for by: JFC (the fucking guy himself, not the funding council)
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Sells Out


So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

Read more

Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

Read more


In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

Read more

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

Read more

A marriage certificate for README. The name is filled in using pasted bits of cut-up newspaper.

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

Read more

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

Read more

Readme Crime Report

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

Read more

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

Read more

Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Read more

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

Read more

A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

Read more

Steam Tunnels Missed Connection

I was once going on a leisurely night-time stroll around campus buildings in November, which offers me the comfort of heating, and to give me the opportunity to explore buildings I otherwise don't have classes in. Doherty hall, in particular, is a complicated maze to the non-art student — and …

Read more

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

Read more

FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

Read more

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

Read more

CMU Missed Connection

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

Read more

Lockheed Martin ad showing a large piece of military equipment on a hill overseeing a large, populous city. It's captioned "the war on Christmas ends with us."

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

Read more

A word search, but the words are all censored.

A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

Read more

CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Bechdel Test added to autograder • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Readme's own Fulke Fuchs supports Admin's declaration that "Trump" is a curse word • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction