Readme Gets Absurd

"Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • King Charles III to consider castling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I met Santa Claus, she's black • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • All of Science wrong. Oops • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Gelt still more real than crypto • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Megachurch forms PokéStop • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • King Charles III to consider castling • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • C@CMU: CMU's cultural touchstone • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Hillman very angry to discover nobody knows which building is his • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • All of Science wrong. Oops. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Megachurch forms PokéStop • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day