Paid for by: Insider trading on shorted military stocks
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Read more

Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Read more


CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

Read more

Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

Read more

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

To My 8 A.M.s:

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

Read more

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

Read more

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.
A word search in the wingdings emoji font.
The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Read more

Readme Through The Ages

Read more

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

Read more

EADME CIME EPOT

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

Read more

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

Read more

A plinko board in a voting machine box, with buckets at the bottom bearing images of Kamala Harris, Donald Trump, and Vermin Supreme.

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

Read more

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Read more

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

Read more

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

Read more

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

Read more

Everyone I date becomes lesbian

Hi, for the past two years, I have been unable to find love due to a stupid curse and I was wondering if anyone had any advice for me.

It all started a year or two ago when I had my first date. I thought it went well and …

Read more

An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"
A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.
Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Tenth dentist speaks out • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Gelt still more real than crypto • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Rabbi hot?! • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Tenth dentist speaks out • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • You could be sledding right now, but you're not. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • Rabbi hot?! • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees