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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

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A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature  running toward the camera.

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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A College Student's Guide to saving money

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

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Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

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Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Winning the War on Christmas

As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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POST-GAME REPORT: Man Murdered on Walking to the Sky

Hello everyone! Mike Rophon, ReadMe’s resident sports announcer here to bring you the rundown on the spectacular events of the past few days. Since the sports scene on campus is going through a rough patch, I’ll be bringing you the play-by-play of yesterday’s homicide.

Auntie Readme was found dead, …

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Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

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A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

Overheard at CMU

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

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What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Naughty List leaked • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Naughty List leaked. • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • New CaPS meeting locations include ledges, bridges, and intersections • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper