Readme Gets Absurd

Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Lube offered for Wean holes • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions