Readme Wins Gold

You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold.