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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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A quote attributed to Eric Adams in which he prophesizes his own mayorship on January 1st, 2022: "Thirty-something years ago, I woke up out of my sleep in a cold sweat. God spoke to my heart and said, 'you are going to be the mayor January 1, 2022.' And the message was clear. God stated, 'you cannot be silent, you must tell everyone you know.' I would go around the city, pastor, and I would tell everybody 'I'm gonna be mayor January 1, 2022.' People used to think I was on medication." [I checked, this is a genuine Eric Adams quote - rtosh]
"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

On buying a minifridge

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.
A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"
A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]
A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"
An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

Paleolithic tribe discovered in ancient Pittsburgh cave system

A routine safety inspection of the steam tunnels beneath Carnegie Mellon University went awry when an unexpected wall collapse revealed the heart of a still living ancient empire. When FMS workers attempted to survey the oldest section of CMU’s steam tunnels last Sunday, they accidentally triggered a minor sinkhole. The …

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An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."
An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"
An ad for Flouride-Free Water by RFK Jr., "Now infused with Ivermectin for optimal illness recovery; drink those liberal tears". The logo reads "No F Given", where "F" is the periodic table tile for Flourine.

Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."
A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.
An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."
A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.
You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Rabbi hot?! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold.