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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival


On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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There will come soft Tanks

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

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A Disease for Every Department

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

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"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]
A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Anti Anti Aging Cream

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

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Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl

If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, …

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A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."
An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

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"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

The Tell-Tale Tartan

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

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An Open Letter to CaPS

It’s that time of year again: Finals Week. Soon, classes will end and the excitement of the end of the semester will kick in. By excitement, I mean, absolute panic. Panic about failing exams, panic about failing classes, panic about your mom’s weird boyfriend at Christmas dinner. With this exciting …

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A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

A Letter From The Editor

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

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On buying a minifridge

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

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"HELP WANTED! I'm trapped inside this newspaper listing and can't get out. It's been weeks. I miss my family. Will pay any amount necesary for rescue. Call (412) 268-2323" [image of a man with his hands pressed against the fourth wall"

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • King Charles III to consider castling • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • King Charles III to consider castling • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Ranking buttons in order of how close they are to the top of my jacket (#1 the button at the top of my jacket) • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along.