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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Rejected


Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

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README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Opinion: Global Warming Can't Come Soon Enough

Have you ever gone outside and thought to yourself “Wow, it’s cold”? Likely not; that was a rhetorical question. However, if you were to hazard a venture outside right now, I imagine you would think that, and that makes us compatriots.

There seems to be a popular trend spread …

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Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.
A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."
A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."
A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

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Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

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Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

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A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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A GoFundMe page to "support readme on strike," with a photo of picketing readme writers. One sign says "Eshaan owes me $20."

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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Student devises innovative new method to attend early morning lectures

Early morning lecture: a macabre tragedy that befalls many a student. Some force themselves up in the morning and forge their way there. Some simply give up and sleep through it. One enterprising CMU student has managed to do both.

“I have an 8 am,” says sophomore Juan Merower. …

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I wrote this article while drunk

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

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A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Carnegie cracks down on Crystal Math

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal …

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From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

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A Letter from the Editor

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

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The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Tenth dentist speaks out • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Drama students celebrate thirty second increase in free time • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Tenth dentist speaks out • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • CMU kills suspected 122 cheater in targeted strike; 18 civilians dead. • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports