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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

This Week In Bears

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Crime continues to plague our CMU campus, even as we approach winter break. In this case, our loyal reporters have followed the crumb trail to a pair of menaces doing suspicious activity around campus for the past weeks.

Camper Crushers Take to Unicycles

Two bears have recently joined …

‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

By Jeremiah Cornelius Penname XXVII • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

Homework Trouble

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

By Meat • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Carnegie Crime Report

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

What is MIT

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

…

Readme Studies Abroad

By Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

A campaign button with an image of a dog surrounded by the text "George Michael for President."

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Lube offered for Wean holes • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Athletes warm up by walking both ways uphill through Pittsburgh • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Nudist Revolution on Campus, 30% of campus disrobes • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale.