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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Readme Sleeps With The Fishes

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

Boeing's Accident Rate Drops 15% After Buying a Slightly More Expensive 3D Printer

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

EVERETT, WA

After a streak of disastrous quarters for the aerospace industry giant Boeing, a new audit reveals that their commercial airliner accident rate has fallen by approximately 15%. Internal memorandums note a new development at R&D is to thank for this success: an upgrade to the 3D printers …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

So you're on a couple waitlists

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

A Missouri driver's license with all fields blank, labeled "DIY Fake ID".

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A set of four fake CMU missed connections: "To the asianest asian who ever asianed, I'm so into you (because you're asian)", "To the guy who was walking through Doherty two weeks ago, who I will provide no further descriptors of, you're so fine", "To the girl I've been unflinchingly staring down for the whole semester, I can't tell if you're into me or deeply terrified of me, but I think we both want the same thing [smirk emoji]", and "I wanna fuck my TA so bad"

A representative sample of CMU Missed Connections.

// "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

CMU was always a social experiment

By Archith Sharma • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

…

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

By Mass of Rat Brain Cells • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

An ultrasound showing a crumpled up piece of newspaper.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Rest in Peace Buddy • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Rest in Peace Buddy • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party a guide. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffeeflavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, AlQaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats