Readme Wins Gold

Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Megachurch forms PokéStop • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • I met Santa Claus, she's black • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Megachurch forms PokéStop • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me?