Am I the bazonkle?
Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …
Hungry?
Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.
Doherty Hall:
Doherty is a year-round …
My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot
Dear Reader,
I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.
I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …
Entropy+ Dissolves
Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …
A modern dialectic of oppression
In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …
CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze
It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.
We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …
The yearly CMU black market finals guide
Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.
In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …
CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds
A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …
Poetry Corner
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck
Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …
Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival
The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to …
My mommy says I can't go to war
My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.
My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …
Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia
Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!
10. Ukraine
Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself …
Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles
Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.
“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …
Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted
Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …
Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates
ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …
The Grass is Greyer on the Other Side
Carnegie Mellon University is a globally regarded institution. With one of the best computer science programs in the world, a booming arts scene, and plenty of ways to engage its students, it’s no wonder CMU has such a strong reputation. Not only is this school academically challenging, providing students with …
The Best Crime Report
It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.
…
CMU announces new set of steam tunnels
Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …
In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others
Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …
Overheard at CMU
Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"
Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "
"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the …
A Letter from the Editor
Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …
Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs
If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.
By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …
I called Pitt Police to CMU
Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …
Readme Sex Survey Results
The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …
Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader
Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.
Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …
Interwar Update
Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …
Readme Reviews
Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.
50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …
Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut
In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …
War flashbacks to now include midroll ads
There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …
EADME CIME EPOT
We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.
Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …
I used to hate French People
I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …
Evolution of Hetero Sapiens
Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …
CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake
Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …
Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"
Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.
…
Readme Election Corner (2024)
Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …
The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain
The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …
Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"
On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …
How to tell if your classmates peaked in college
As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”
To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …
Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch
It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …
SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns
A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …
I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically
Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …
To My 8 A.M.s:
Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,
On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.
A truly magical …
I wrote this article while sober
We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …
Carnegie Crime Report
README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …
I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing
My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …
Winning the War on Christmas
As we all know, Christmas is falling out of favor with the American public. “Merry Christmas” has been replaced with “Happy holidays.” Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts have replaced their Christmas-themed special cups and boxes with holiday-nonspecific red and green cups and boxes printed with tinsel patterns. Christmas movies are …
School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms
PITTSBURGH, PA
As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …
US Gov't to seize coal from stockings
Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …
Candidates for a 51st State
In this review, we’re going to be analyzing potential candidates to annex our great country to add as our 51st American state. It’s a buyer’s market right now, with BlackRock buying the Panama Canal and Microsoft acquiring yet another acre of old-growth redwood forest to build another data center. As …
ROTC caught building "stealth" booth
It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …
Buggy: An Introduction
So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:
1) You are short
2) You went …
Date Recap With README
First Date
Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.
Second Date
…
How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat
So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …
Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?
Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…
18-100 to introduce larger toolkits
ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …
Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address
With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.
That’s right! If …
README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin
As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …
People you don't want to be alone in a booth with
A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …
Readme gets divorced
I am standing outside the Allegheny County Courthouse, where historic divorce proceedings are happening. Just moments ago, The Tartan showed up for emotional support for the reader. README does not look pleased, I wonder how this is going to play out.
10:06 AM
Readme’s lawyer has requested that …
Oops Neighbors Lawn is All Gnomes
fuck you this took me three hours. I individually placed every gnome. You have gnome respect for my craft. I can't copy and paste them because then the layers wouldn't be right. Fuck you. You will never understand.
On the Four Questions
First of all, if you’ve ever heard of the Four Questions, chag sameach. If you haven’t, be grateful you won’t have to do them when you’re forced into joining your hypothetical Jewish friends (who are all older than you, obviously) at their several-hour-long celebration of a liberation they claim they …
How to 'Home Alone' your dorm
Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.
For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …
CMU-specific Travel Advisory
With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.
Ukraine
Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?
Spain
…
Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time
In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:
“There’s a real baddie …
Novel Methods of Preventing Wasteful Elevator Use at CMU
Introduction
When John Elevator first unveiled elevators at the Chicago World Fair in Des Moines IA, 1462, the technology immediately garnered worldwide adoption. Buildings could access untold verticality once the ascension of hundred-floor constructions was no longer bounded by the feeble power of human muscle and bone, but …
I Hate Baker-Porter
Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.
Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …
README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks
In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …
Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'
Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.
Students at the …
Top 10 ways to die during Carnival
1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …
Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings
PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …
Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa
While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …
Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder
Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …
A Letter from the Editor
It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …