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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Christmas tips for children of divorce

Are you a child of divorce who struggles on holidays? Having two separate Christmas parties can be disappointing and painful, especially for those of you whose parents tolerate each other’s presence enough to come together on your birthday. Well, I have the solution for you! Just follow these simple steps …

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2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

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On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Readme Rejected

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Readme: Sex Sells

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Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

Traffic Calming Solution

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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President Eisenhower warns America how fucking cool the Military Industrial Complex will be

This past Monday morning of the wonderful current year of nineteen fifty I can’t be bothered to look up the right year, President Dwight Destructenator Eisenhower stepped onto the stage at a 9 a.m. press conference and chugged from his liter of vodka as he prepared to give his most …

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An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce

In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.

While the 9-story building was conceived …

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A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.
Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Local first-­year unable to use restroom without the lulling of reels from adjacent stalls • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Math Department discovers non-­Euclidean space in Doherty Hall C­level • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Huang was chosen to encapsulate the most important part of the CMU experience: Having AI shoved down your throat. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent.