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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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Readme Investigates CMU's Newest StuCo

Silly Goose Reporting Line

Though many universities offer student-taught courses, CMU’s StuCo program is unique. It’s better. The newest offering from the StuCo program is 15-122: Principles of Imperative Computation. Over the past few months, several readme journalists have gone undercover as students and enrolled in this course. Here is our unbiased, fact …

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Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

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Readme Sex Survey Results

The Tartan, a scourge on all good, dishonest reporting, recently published a survey on the sexual behaviors of the student population. We could not let this stand. Since every single readme staffer is a veritable sex magnet (unlike those treehugging, literaturereading geeks at the Tartan), we decided to do our …

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Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

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Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

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Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

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Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

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An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

The Homosexual Conundrum

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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Readme Reviews: Wake Up Dead Man

Father Judd was working alone in his study, doing religious things, and sitting in a mahogany chair. Suddenly the door opens. He smiled, happy to see a familiar face. “Ah! Blanc, how can I help you?” “Well you see uh Fathuh, I was just perusing my local Barnes and Noble …

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A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

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A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

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Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh. • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex­-as-­a-­service" startup. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Alcohol Awareness: Have you been aware of alcohol today? • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall