CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Anatomy class adds study inside component • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • I met Santa Claus, she's black • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • King Charles III to consider castling • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • GOOD NEWS! 3rd Amendment Repealed: Veteran housing crisis resolved. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” author, on cannibalism • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • King Charles III to consider castling • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video.
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!["Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]](/media/vol2/issue7/images/withdrawal_JpsfyiD.png)
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With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …!["Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."](/media/vol2/issue8/images/meatchristmas_BgTymSk.png)
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Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …