Paid for by: a marvelous collection of mental hospital escapees, engineers, and the odd english major.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold


CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

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Modern technology comes for us all

Dr. Wittol requires little introduction, though he insists on one out of modesty. Indeed, one suspects he would have no objection to being introduced twice, thrice, or even into perpetuity, provided there were brief pauses for applause. A couple’s therapist, he was a modern Cupid, winged by the arms of …

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A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."
A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)
An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."
A word search which, when completed, appears strangely similar to a certain four-panel comic.
Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.
A flowchart to determine if readme likes you back. Both outcomes are yes.
A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."
An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."
An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"
A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]
"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"
A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.
Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.
An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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A public service announcement from CMU Police stating: "Do not leave items on tables to reserve spots. Effective immediately, doing so is illegal and subject to disciplinary action. To enforce, please steal all items left unattended."
Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Rabbi hot?! • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Megachurch forms PokéStop • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-­driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • Gregor Samsa wakes, horrified, to find himself transformed into Tepper student • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Rabbi hot?! • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Megachurch forms PokéStop • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling