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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

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The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

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On the origins of buggy

By "Roan Tysh" & µllom • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

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Campus Activity Report

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

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A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

By Stella Cedar & Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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‘I’m good’ Not Followed By Long Contemplative Silence, Officials Investigating

By Jeremiah Cornelius Penname XXVII • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

February 24th, 2024, 4:46PM: In a shocking turn of events, a local student exchanging pleasantries responded “I’m good” without a long, heavy silence brimming with unsaid daily anxieties, unfulfilled ambitions and existential dread.

“They didn’t even follow the statement with a discussion about how few hours of sleep they …

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A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

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readme returns!

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

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Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By John Doe • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

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CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

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“Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Fuck you vampires, I've got HIV! • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • King Charles III to consider castling • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Naughty List leaked • Anatomy class adds study inside component • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Fuck you vampires, I've got HIV! • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • New Civil Engineering exam includes going inside condemned buildings and trying to make them collapse • "Hello foot fetish artist? Yes...I'd like to commission a meter." • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • King Charles III to consider castling • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Naughty List leaked. • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • CMU Suicide Club announces no returning members for Academic Year 25-26 • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed.