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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I Saw Mommy Kissing Scotty Dog

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Wow, mommy's kissing Scotty Dog
I saw mommy kissing Scotty Dog
Right beside the sweepstakes track last night
She didn't see me creep
Past the booths to have a peep
She thought that I was tucked up in my dorm room, fast asleep

Then I saw mommy tickle Scotty …

An Analysis of Spending Habits of Woke People

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In the recent culture war waged by conservatives in the United States of America, a central tenet is as follows: "go woke, go broke"¹. This begets the question, is there any semblance of truth to this claim? We analyzed hundreds of years worth of financial literature as well as statistics, …

Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

If you really think about it, this is equally likely as anything else

// Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Feng Shui for ruining your life

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Song for Dear Ol' Tech

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

I am the very model of a student here at Carnegie,
With plans to triple major in AI, CS, and ECE
I've memorized the answer key to every leetcode medium
I spend my time on Stack Exchange to mitigate the tedium

I’ve crashed in classrooms everywhere from Gates to …

Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Tarot Cards for CMU Students

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

"Drink fucking water you asocial, unhealthy fucking freaks," nine out of ten doctors say

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. As we all find ourselves rejuvenating our love for Avatar: The Last Airbender, I present to you an important lesson. Water. We discuss whether water is wet or not. We spend so much time discussing it, but we do not spend enough time drinking it. So, …

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

Readme Goes to Shul

By B • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Lube offered for Wean holes • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • The Revolution is coming, just let me get off my SSRIs first • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • New StuCo 99042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Lube offered for Wean holes. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Student Senate elections held, "who?" found to be most common response • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk."