Paid for by: JFC (the fucking guy himself, not the funding council)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Novel research indicates possible weakly positive correlation between alcohol and drunkenness

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Prior work has extensively characterized the social, physiological, and psychological effects of alcohol consumption; however, the direct relationship between alcohol and drunkenness remains underexplored. A survey of prior research finds that all studies presume a positive correlation, despite no papers establishing this, revealing a significant flaw in the literature.

…

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

Navigating funding in the face of budget freezes

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

On December 4th, the students of Carnegie Mellon voted 97% in favor of freezing the Student Senate budget. As the Senate has scrambled to rewrite the budget, student organizations are exploring alternative ways to receive “Supplemental Funding” in time for their events rather than weeks after. We here at ReadMe …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

By Benner Rogers & Johnny Truant • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

A Message about the Fence and Discourse at CMU

By Farnam Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Yesterday, Carnegie Mellon University hosted a demonstration of kinetic and potential energy from an as-yet unknown artist. This event was witnessed by two Walking to the Sky statues who considered it a spectacle to behold and by several attendees who called it “brief but memorable,” remarking on how the cacophonous …

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A College Student's Guide to saving money

By Lord Duke His Majesty Higglebottoms • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

"Crowbar"

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat & John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

War flashbacks to now include midroll ads

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

There has never been war without trauma. Throughout history, countless soldiers have been kept awake by memories of senseless violence. Many combat veterans cannot hear fireworks or smell burning rubber without recalling the horrors of war. While many people see this as a tragedy, America’s leading advertising firms see it …

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • How to feng shui your killdozer • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • How to feng shui your killdozer • Forbes Avenue Jehova's Witnesses will be performing in Greek Sing 2025 • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you.