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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

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Gender euphoria: humorless humping

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

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Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

Pentagon Swears In New War Crime Scapegoat After Previous One Died

The US Department of Defense has recently concluded its emergency internal election to find a worthy successor to the previous war crime scapegoat who unexpectedly died this year. The election was hastily called because there were no contingency plans in case the last scapegoat died, as no one at the …

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A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"
A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.
"Please date me. I am desperate. It has been so long since I've felt the touch of a woman. None of the Hinge lesbians want me :( I am: funny, good(ish) writer, ethical, and knowledgeable on Wikipedia. I am so lonely."

CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

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A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.
"Are exams fucking you over? Fuck them back!" [box of Viagra]

Crystals for home improvement

2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie …

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ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

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Andrew Carnegie had the right idea

People who know me in person may know that I am a man who wears underwear. But shopping for men's underwear feels really gay, because you have to like, look at lots of men in underwear. This is a problem, because I am very homophobic.

I considered wearing women's …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

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A PSA to check the CO detectors

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

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CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

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Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Anatomy class adds study inside component • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • I met Santa Claus, she's black • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV