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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Goes to Carnival


Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

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Don't Come Back

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

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Beloved Football Chants At CMU

The Kiltie Marching Band wants blood. Despite, on paper, being the unassuming pep band for CMU’s respectable football team, firsthand experience brings out their reality; that the Kilties are a barely-restrained rabid mob. Observe the chants they call out at games, taunting the other team and wishing destruction upon them. …

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A logo depicting a dragon with a black head and red jaw, which has "CMU" stamped on it in serif font.

Stop asking where I'm from

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

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I wrote this article while drunk

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

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readme returns!

Hello! We're readme, a re­established student­-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

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Readme Through The Ages

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An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

  1. When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.

  2. Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.

  3. When …

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SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

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CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

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An image styled as a public service announcement stating "are you texting an UNDERCOVER COP? know the signs." It includes screenshots of three text messages: "Do you know where a fella can buy some perquisite? [sic]", "should i blow on the cartridges before i smoke them", and "Meet me by the big blue phone on Skibo"

Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol

In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to …

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FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

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Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

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"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.
Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • How to feng shui your killdozer • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18 • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • How to feng shui your killdozer • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Student with childhood autism diagnosis excitedly awaits instant personality change upon turning 18. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Student spends 7 hours working up the courage to make a phone call, recipient doesn't answer • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives.