Readme Gets Absurd

Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • King Charles III to consider castling • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Kanye up to something • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • All of Science wrong. Oops • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • King Charles III to consider castling • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • "I'm still alive guys," Elvis, 1978 • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Kanye up to something • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model.