Readme Gets Absurd

CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • I met Santa Claus, she's black • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • King Charles III to consider castling • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • You could be sledding right now, but you're not • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • King Charles III to consider castling • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • You could be sledding right now, but you're not.