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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Rejected


Hostile Booth Architecture

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

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SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

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What are they carrying to the sky?

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

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A poem called "why the long face?" next to an incredibly stretched out picture of a man's face.

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

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Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

Scobell House is currently the only all­-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-­male dormitory to an all­-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

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CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

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"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]
A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

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ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

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CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

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[TODO]

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Feng Shui to make you forget them

Everyone’s been there at some point or another: She left and took the house and the kids, he suddenly ghosted you after texting you “Love you, sweet dreams” the evening before, or you find from their friend that they were not into you it’s just that you were there …

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The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

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A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

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i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Dr. Pepper finally earns medical doctorate from American Health Association • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • I went back in time and fucked Isaac Newton to prevent calculus, and other shocking confessions. • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming."