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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

By House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

I called Pitt Police to CMU

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

SCOTUS strikes down law banning academic weapons in school zones

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

In a landmark 54 decision, the Supreme Court struck down the Weapons-Free School Zones Act of 1990, ruling it unconstitutional and finding in favor of plaintiff Alfonso Lopez, a student previously deemed an “academic weapon.” Congress’s argument was best encapsulated by Solicitor General Days’s impassioned defense:

The unchecked proliferation …

Donner Caretaker misses scheduled feeding time

By Benner Rogers & Citron • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

In a regrettable incident this morning, Donner’s officially appointed caretaker missed the 485th annual Donner Creature feeding, the first feeding he was to perform after succeeding a 2025 graduate. In an exclusive statement to readme, the caretaker stated the reason for missing the feeding time:

“There’s a real baddie …

Beware of Feral Scottie Dogs

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

By Dr. Et Al. • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

An Open Letter to William Shakespeare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

How now, sirrah, churlish Bard, bacon-fed knave!

Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat who taketh the name “William Shakespeare,” take heed! Thou seducest the innocent masses into sin with thy profane plays and pompous poetry. We address our grievances in the style thou’rt most fond of: the sonnet.

…

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

CMU Missed Connection

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

On November 7th, 2024 I was headed up to floor 4 on scaife hall via the elevator. I entered on floor 1, and so did some girl. I do not remember any details about what she looked like, I regret to inform you all. She pressed the button to go …

Who's That Buggy?

By Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Divorce Winnings

By Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

76-101 Assignment 1. Due Friday!

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

Pittsburgh announces cheat day for airspace laser-pointer laws

By I am NOT writing this under my name thank you very much • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

One thing we all liked to do as kids is mess around with laser-pointers. Watching cats chase around the dots, blinding our siblings, but most fun of all, aiming at airplanes! Unfortunately for our joyful childhood spirits, the very 1984 United States of America government passed a law in 2012 …

Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

Grandma's Secret Recipes, Volume 167

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Sweet Surprise Chili 2 lbs ground beef 1 lb venison, fresh 2 cans red tomatoes (none of those damn other colors) 1 can sweet corn kernels 1 pack bacon 1 carton steel nails (add rust for flavor) ½ carton milk 2 tbsp garlic salt 2 tbsp lard

Melt lard …

War on Christmas Finally Ends

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

readme returns!

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Hello! We're readme, a reestablished student-run satire magazine at the one and only Carnegie Mellon University! We were originally founded in 1992, when Jim McDougal, Terry Former, Elle Forest, and that Scooter "Skip" Hoodwinkle decided to meet in the deep recesses of the Doherty A level and think up …

The Homosexual Conundrum

By Hom O. Gaylord • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Hello, fellow queers of Carnegie. Recently I have run into an issue that we have all experienced: too much gay sex. Just last week, I received trouble from this dreadful condition. As I was sashaying though campus, I noticed a poster for blood donation. Being a kind-hearted individual, I naturally …

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Rest in Peace Buddy • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • I met Santa Claus, she's black • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • All of Science wrong. Oops • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Rest in Peace Buddy • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Student who once contemplated an evening of selfcare and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Elves join UAW Local 1701.