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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Another Night in Pittsburgh

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The whispering rain splats ungracefully onto the cracked pavement. A lightning strike goes unnoticed amongst the flickering neon signs. Those outside cling tightly to their overcoats and rain hats, unable to fully face the despairing night. A Pittsburgh university. A piano. A tragedy. I sit in my malaise, staring at …

Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Ms. De Vil, leaving the furry orgy fashionably early

// House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Campus Crush? Fallen Piano Splatters Stud

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Law enforcement continues to investigate the mysterious death of [insert victim name], as several witnesses who were present at the scene of the crime give reports of the incident. One witness came forward to speak to the press – Susan, the Jehovah’s Witness who was running the “Free Bible Course” …

Hungry?

By author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

The Lottery

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

My mommy says I can't go to war

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

By Benner Rogers & Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

By Kyle Hynes • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

An illustration of a Scotty dog pawing at the legs of someone who's just entered through a door.

Scotty Dog missed you. So did we, if you even care about that.

// Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

"Is your GPA below 3.0? Did you fail your last midterm? Will it take a miracle to pull your grades out of the gutter? You don't need a miracle. You always have another option. ENLIST NOW!" [background fades to camo pattern]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

By Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

"John Biren for President (definitely not Biden we swear)" / "VOTE" / "Remember, age is just a number" [image of Joe Biden in a fake moustache and dark glasses]

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

I wrote this article while drunk

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.

Buggy driver career outcomes

// Eshaan Joshi • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

CMU Apologizes For Typo, Tuition to Increase by 37.2% Instead of 3.72

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The president of Carnegie Mellon University, Farnam Jahanian, recently issued an email apologizing for a typo in a recent tuition update sent to students. The email incorrectly notified students of a 3.72% price increase in tuition. In reality, the increase was 37.2%. Jahanian’s email writer, who also ghostwrites for …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tenth dentist speaks out • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Gelt still more real than crypto • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Tenth dentist speaks out • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Spinning benches found to be migratory where do they go? • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Hasbro publishes internship rejection trading card game. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Reviewing Gary’s oh shit! Cat get away from Buddy! Buddy isn’t food! What did you do to Buddy?! • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot