Readme Gets Absurd

Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Elves join UAW Local 1701 • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Gelt still more real than crypto • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Elves join UAW Local 1701. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Seeing Lockheed Martin successes, Al­Qaeda to begin recruiting students on LinkedIn • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow