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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

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Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

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Overheard at CMU

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

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Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

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Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

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Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

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An image of Santa Claus captioned "Believe in Santa. How else can he believe in himself?"

Auntie ReadMe’s: A Conversation With Dr. Et. Al

After being suspended from the Guild of Advice Columnists for “giving bad advice” because “you can’t just lie” or something and “several people have died as a result of going along with something this column said and that means you can legally be charged with manslaughter” and other silly allegations …

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CMU-specific Travel Advisory

With spring break rapidly approaching, CMU has put out a travel advisory against countries that are deemed “unsafe for Tartans”. If you have booked a trip to any of these countries, please reconsider your plans.

Ukraine

Why did you even book a flight to Kyiv?

Spain

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A comic. The first two panels show a woman sighing and looking out a window toward a silhouetted couple holding hands under an umbrella. "Will I ever find love?" the third panel questions. Panel four shows two people holding hands in chair desks, and they're texting hearts back and forth in panel five. In panels six and seven the woman reads a copy of "readme falls in love," then concluedes, "no, probably not." [I really like this comic :-) - rtosh]

What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

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An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

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10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

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Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

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Bio-Computing at CMU Promises to Revolutionize Queer Literature

“It is sacrilege that anyone graduating from Dietrich as an English major could even consider the possibility of having a stable career” – Unnamed Computational Biology researcher. With the unveiling of ChatGPT-4o early this summer, along with constant daily advancements in AI technology, artists are feeling mounting pressure as their …

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A Letter from the Editor

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

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Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

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CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

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Poetry Corner

Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Chuck Schumer’s Glasses
Precariously perched
Tilted and tepid
How does he look up?
Or straight forward?
Or in any direction that isn’t at a 60 degree angle?
Left with many questions
I seek
No answers
Just Chuck

Fiddler on the Roof
Without traditions
Our …

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Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Student’s handwriting so bad they accidentally created a cypher • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • I'm not homophobic, I'm just homo-weary. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CUC gym administrators remove all first-floor machines to make space for a merchandise sweatshop. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • Programmer forgets to specify; throws a birthday ksh.