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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

Dear Alumni:

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

I'm going to punch you (John Lennon)

By Meat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Out walking
I’ve got a shovel
And a crow bar
And a copy of Catcher in the Rye
And my fists
I am going
Going to punch you

Like a priest
I move with holy purpose
Towards an asshole
Unlike the priest
Not in a sexual way
Though I …

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

So you're on a couple waitlists

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

"Help find this nice Jewish boy a forever home!" [picture of a Scotty dog in a synagogue]

Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

From the Forbes Ave McDonald’s

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The ancient Greeks, having nothing better to do with their time, came up with six words for love: agape (unconditional love), eros (sexual love), philia (brotherly love), storge (parental love), philautia (self love), and xenia (hospitable love). Less widely known is that the ancient Greeks also invented six words for …

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homunculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

Founder's Body Found in Doherty

By Pennsylvania Jones • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

Following clues left behind by various escapees of the Doherty C-level, a Carnegie Mellon expedition discovered the corpse of school founder, Andrew Carnegie, in the recesses of the building. The Doherty Basement is one of the few remaining unexplored regions in the United States, and the Civil Engineering Department decided …

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

US Gov't to seize coal from stockings

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one …

CMU Finals rife with cheating

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

Pittsburgh GrubHub Driver Diaries

By Iman Imigran • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Day 1:

Hello, diary! Today is my first day driving for GrubHub! To be honest, I didn’t really know what to expect, since I’m so new to the area and haven’t really spoken to anyone yet. For that reason, I wanted to stay more downtown so I’d have more …

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

Sweepstakes forbids new live-birth method

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Just weeks ahead of Carnival, Sweepstakes has dropped a bombshell on all buggy teams: due to existing rules prohibiting mass loss during a race, the “live birth method” is officially banned. In previous years, buggy drivers would impregnate themselves prior to Carnival, nourishing the fetus with Stack’d and melatonin gummies. …

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

By Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

“I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it