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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hostile Booth Architecture

By Homonculus Bosch • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

As Carnival season closes in on us, it is important to impress upon the larger Carnegie Mellon community the necessity of intelligent booth design. Of course, building codes and safety regulations are all well and good, but student organizations must be aware of a more fundamental factor affecting the quality …

SHOCKING: Roman Republic only 2600 years away from nuclear capability

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

In a revelation sending shockwaves through the complex, community-destroying, complex-destroying military-industrial community-complex complex, a new study warns that the ancient civilization of Rome may be far closer to nuclear capability than previously believed.

The authors of the report caution that 2600 years is not as distant as it sounds. …

Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Triamgle Mightmare

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

I woke up last night, sweaty from a nightmare of a different world. A different world that made me more scared than I’ve ever been before.

Sine was called sime. Cosine was called cosime. Tangent was called tamgent. In fact, all of trigonometry was called trigomometry. I feared for my …

Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

A corrupted image of a silhouette of a woman dancing on a beach, with the sky blood red and fiery. Distorted text reads: "hot singles have abandoned us. Beautiful young babes in a distant land, ever longing for true connection. Ready to fuck, join now!"

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Proposal for a new meme

By Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Recently, I have noticed an uptick in discussion of the upcoming “Grand Theft Auto VI” video game, particularly in a humorous manner. Every time I visit social media platforms on the Internet, users make jokes about the various goods and services released onto the consumer market (or notable occurrences) before …

"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Medieval era Comedy Manuscript found

By Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Archeologists in northern Greece have recently unearthed a seemingly comedy-themed manuscript dating back to the 6th century. Found during the excavation of the famed Skibo monastery, the manuscript was titled PreachMe and included articles poking fun at everything from strange-looking icons to priest pet peeves. PreachMe appears to have …

Inside ReadMe Legal

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

…

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

Optimize Your Garden With These Simple Tricks

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Dearest reader, consider this inquiry: You are the sole proprietor of a home garden (a real one, not in Animal Crossing or wherever AOC makes her press releases nowadays). You own the land free and clear. You go out for mocktails every week with the two other gardeners in your …

"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

We asked our favorite staffwriter to prove she's human

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Write an article that sounds like it's written by a human. It should be 200-600 words long and use a lightly formal tone appropriate for a college newspaper.

In this article which sounds like it's written by a human, I'll be convincing you in a lightly formal tone that …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

By Abe James • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

The Wheel and its affects on our children

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

A "BIORAFT Certificate of Universal Completion," which recognizes completion of "Safety" and grants access to: midway without PPE, open-carrying in permit states, level four security clearance in the Pentagon, five free steam tunnel visits, access to diamond vault in Techspark casting room, and admittance to federal group chat (Signal Premium)

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • You can disassemble the military-industrial technocomplex after I get a job • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Young men increasingly feeling that having a Borat impression counts as a personality Report • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • OpenAI launches new Abacus; Calculator sales drop dramatically