Readme Gets Absurd

I met Santa Claus, she's black • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Physics department studies aerodynamics of unpopular physics professor • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Farnam Jahanian declared President for Life by Board of Trustees, immediately begins purges • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester.