Readme Gets Absurd

This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • How I stopped worrying and learned to love the dorm shower mold. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • CMU to sponsor "Twelve-­Hours-­Straight-­Of-­Drinking" event to get rid of stigma that we are a nerd school • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes.