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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme: Sex Sells


What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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What are they carrying to the sky?

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

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A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

README experts analyze a game of Chess 2.0

We have some absolutely riveting chess gameplay between RandomBot and Saffron here today. In the first game of RandomBot's career, they put up a courageous fight against a rotating chess veteran, managing to promote a pawn, defend from queen-rook mate, thwart rook freedom, and prevent checkmate throughout the seventeen and …

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Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

I Woke Up and My Butt Print was on the Fence

When I opened my eyes that fateful morning, I saw evidence of last night’s rager all over the room. It looked like your average CMU party. Beakers of titrated Hennessy littered the kitchen table. Kilts were strewn about on the ground, some with accompanying pairs of tartan underwear. Someone cuddled …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

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A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

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Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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OCs Accidentally Create a Cult

Friday morning students woke up to the news that regular orientation activities were shut down by CMU PD due to orientation counselors accidentally creating a cult. This decision was made in the wake of Carnegie cup’s carnage. While details are murky, efforts to relocate the fence to Wean’s roof, and …

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Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

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I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

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FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

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Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."

A modern dialectic of oppression

In our day and age, we have had the pleasure of learning about the mistakes and sins of our forefathers, and have been given the opportunity to redeem ourselves as a global civilization. In many ways, we have, with many free to practice their cultures — however as we advance …

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Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."

CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

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CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Armed Martial Arts Clubs' Membership Skyrockets as new policy allows students to challenge AIVs by dueling • School of Computer Science puts funding toward public transit; installs tram line on the Gates spiral • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • The Pitt season 2 production leaves 3 injured, 1 dead. • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • SDC Booth delayed due to noncompliance with city zoning regulations • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show.