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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Goes to Carnival


On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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Introducing Tall Booth

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

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Readme Reviews

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

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A color-by-number of a flag, where the entire flag is numbered 1 for red.

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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Cervesato captured by Pres. Jahanian in nighttime operation

Picture yourself this morning in section DDDD of 122. The topic is data structures, and Prof. Iliano Cerversato, known affectionately by his students as "Iliano" or "The Null Pointer", is giving a spirited talk on implementing frangible lists in C2. Suddenly, the door of Rashid is blown in with an …

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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Farnam done with the jokes; challenges any student brave enough to a duel

On March 23, 2026, Farnam Jahanian stood in front of an eager crowd of students, stakeholders, and passersby to give the State of the University Address. But what he actually had to say shocked the eager crowd, bystanders, upstanders, netizens, and several global leaders.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” began CMU’s …

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ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

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Could Drunk Driving be Better than Sex? 7 good reasons (and 1 bad one)

One of the great tragedies of the human condition is that two of the most forbidden of sins are also the simplest pleasures of life: sex and drunk driving. But for one brief moment, allow me to let comparison be the thief of joy as I pit these iconic vices …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96 • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Martha Stewart cleared of all murder charger between 1995­-96. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • POLLS: President May Be Elected • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Reviewing Gary’s neighbor Ted’s fish-grave-sized shovel • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs.