Readme Gets Absurd

CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos" • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Gelt still more real than crypto • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • New StuCo 99­042 announced: "What they DON'T Teach You in CMU StuCos". • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Spinning benches found to be migratory ­ where do they go? • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Florida legalizes abortion “if the fetus shows early signs of ‘a homosexual disposition’” • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Forbes Avenue crosswalk announcer elated to finally have purpose again. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing