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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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A Letter from the Editor

As you may or may not know, ReadMe has been around since the dawn of time. We’re so old, in fact, that for our first volumes we were called TellMe. We orated about the Big Bang, the age of the dinosaurs, and the evolution of humanity. Once we could write, …

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Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

Taste-testing Messiahs

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

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A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).
"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

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CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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Readme: An Unbiased, Impartial Review

I, Linda Green, a proud member of the Good Christian Mothers of America, would like to make my voice heard on this despicable and anti-Christian so-called satire newspaper.

I was first introduced to this wretched and unholy publication after I learned about the secret homosexual agenda of The Very …

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Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

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An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.

How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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An Obama-style poster of Farnam Jahanian with a red, white, and blue image filter, with large block letters spelling "NOPE."

Auntie Readme's Advice Column

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

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Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

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Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

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Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

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A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.
"It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Tenth dentist speaks out • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you! • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • Megachurch forms PokéStop • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • Due to overenrollment, CMU to begin holding classes in the steam tunnels • Carnegie Mellon administration to consider using Booths as freshman housing for 2025 • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Rope and stool salesmen loitering outside particularly difficult finals • Tenth dentist speaks out • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • QUIZ: What your opinions on the scrotal asmmetry of statues says about you!