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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

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In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Overheard at CMU

Feb 19

motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion …

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Amid Pitt Threat, Defensive Campus Turtles to Increase in Number

As the laser cannon atop the University of Pittsburgh's Cathedral of Learning nears completion, projected for the fall 2024 semester, Pitt students rejoice their opportunity to reenter the locked top floors of Cathy to zap unsuspecting CMU students. A Pitt alumn elaborated in an interview, “I always loved studying up …

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Readme Gets Absurd

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CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

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README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

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Some finals traditions!

Pittsburgh itself is an incredibly unique city – near Ohio, but not Midwest, near Maryland but not Southern, near West Virginia, but most residents do not consider it Appalachian. We also have our own “accent insulate” here, as a consequence of Pittsburgh being settled during the time of the 13 …

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Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).
"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"
A dimly lit black-and-white photo of a corridor with a shadowy creature  running toward the camera.
A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."
An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

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So you're on a couple waitlists

This past week CMU students were given the opportunity to register for spring semester classes. Due to over-enrollment this year some poor sops (me) were given 9:30 pm registration times. By noon, 15-122 already had a 370-person waitlist, which is fine, it’s only a pre-req to every single course I …

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A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

The Best Crime Report

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

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Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

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Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger • Gelt still more real than crypto • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona' • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • CMU passes the Bechdel test after Margaret Morrison merger. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Student who refuses to pronounce Chinese peoples' names insists it's pronounced 'Barthhhelona'. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective