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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

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A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"

It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the …

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Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

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SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

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New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

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Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

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How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat

So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized …

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Readme Responds to The Allegations

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

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We need to talk.

There's something I have to get off my chest. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but haven't had the strength to do it. I don't love you anymore, and I don't think you truly care about me either.

It started with our first date. I got …

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Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

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README POLLS

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An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

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Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

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An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins

The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all …

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I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".
Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • All of Science wrong. Oops • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Gelt still more real than crypto • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Gelt still more real than crypto. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits