Readme Wins Gold

Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Exciting new internship abroad!" says ROTC. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Dedicated Gender Studies student finds clitoris, loses track of penis • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • "1929 will be my year" ­ says man who invested all his money into Wall Street. • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties