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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

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Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

  • Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

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CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

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"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

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A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."
A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.
An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy

The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.

This simplicity falls apart, …

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A photo of a lawn absolutely covered in lawn gnomes.

A Modest Proposal for dealing with after hours noise

It is a melancholy object to those who walk though this great campus, when they see the streets and roads crowded with loud-mouthed hooligans. Studious learners must keep their windows boarded, and their doors shut to keep the noise from irresponsible teenagers who, as they grow up, either turn to …

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Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

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How to tell if my Hinge crush is a honeypot

Dear Reader,

I’ve been dealing with quite the conundrum and was hoping that you, an incredibly intelligent consumer of ReadMe, would be able to help me. You see, I just wanted to get laid. There are few opportunities for romantic or sexual escapades when you’re an alumnus of Carnegie …

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README Insurance Scam Comes to Light

Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.

The …

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Freshman Found Languishing from Consumption in Mudge Mansion

A freshman who shall henceforth be known as Patient X has recently contracted consumption from an unknown source. Experts suspect that Patient X lied on their consumption screening prior to move-in, but they have not yet found any evidence of such duplicity. Kept awake with chest pain at night, Patient …

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The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

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An Open Letter to the CMU community

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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Auntie Readme's Advice Column

The people have asked questions and I, having no knowledge about anything in my head save for a handful of terminally online references, have found it fitting for me to respond as confidently as possible. Here goes!

should i take a job at lockheed martin if they …

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An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

10 Reasons readme is better than The Tartan

1) Better at news

Unlike The Tartan, which operates on the ideas that journalism should be "fair" and "unbiased", readme is the only campus news source that includes fun quips interesting comments, and other eccentricities.

2) Better words

Find me a single example of the Tartan using …

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Smoking cigarettes is the coward's way out of an oral fixation

It's a late night. I'm a private eye, packing a revolver and a second revolver, 'cause that's what you need in the rough-and-tumble streets of North Oakland. I wear a wire and a long coat, but there's one thing you'll never catch me with, and that's a cigarette drooping from …

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A PSA to check the CO detectors

Yesterday, the carbon monoxide detectors started talking to me. They whispered to me, begged me to change the batteries. The carbon monoxide detectors love the batteries. I love the batteries.

I love carbon monoxide detectors. They keep the ants out of the wall. The ants want to burrow, to …

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Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Demolition Company breaks up married couple • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Finding the best corner to stand in at a crowded party ­ a guide. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Scotch 'n Soda coffin appropriated for student school spirit • Environmentally conscious student group suggests switching to sustainable walk­by shootings • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • "Surely this one will work," says student on sixth cup of coffee. • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Man-Woman Interaction institute forced to extrapolate from low sample size. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Two women argue about twins, King Solomon demands both be cut in half. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • End of semester refelction: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video.