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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme Rejected


Traffic Calming Solution

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

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Claude's Plan

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

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A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

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Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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Rightward Shift in Optimal Arousal Level to Maximize Productivity

From the enclosure movement in 18th century England, the owning class has been tasked with answering how to maximize the productivity of their peons. As the modern American university becomes increasingly corporate and a profit-seeking endeavor, similar questions are now being asked by university administrators. Many things have been tried …

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Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

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The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

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Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

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How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

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The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

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ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

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Oh, Hi! Um, this is Awkward; It Seems You Just Picked Me Up.

The sky is filled with a biting blue-gray, so you ducked indoors to relieve the numbness. But, on this icy winter day, a breeze still permeates the Kittanning brick. The echoes of soles, the stoplights by each door, and the smell of novelty and age combined remind you of the …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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REPORTS: CMU Nothing Like Jewish Sleepaway Camp

Freshman Ari Steinberg has spent every summer at Camp Ramah in New England since he was 9 years old, so he thought living in a traditional triple on the third floor of Mudge would be easy as alef, bet, gimel. And he was ready to survive a few weeks of …

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Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

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I wrote this article while drunk

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

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EADME CIME EPOT

We have so much debt. As such, I have to use a typewite that’s missing a few keys. How will this cut costs and pay off the debt? No idea.

Phishing Scam A massive phishing scam was sent out by a compomised student oganization to 960 and 100 students …

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A screenshot of a Gmail conversation in which a student asks for an extension on C0VM due to being on the front lines of a battle, described in intense and gory detail. A reply from Iliano Cervesato states, "if you can type, you can code."

Campus Activity Report

Our usual crime reporter Abe James is not Jewish, so I have taken up the responsibility of reporting on recent crimes which may or may not be affecting the Jewish community at CMU. As a fill-in, I do not take this position lightly, and seek to report on only the …

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A pie chart of survey results showing that 57% of Carnegie Mellon students believe the country CMU Africa is located in to be "Africa." The other 30%, 11%, and 2% are "Mellon Institute", "Didn't know any countries in Africa", and "other", respectively.

Homework Trouble

Dear Professor Choset,

I hope you are having a wonderful day so far. I wanted to inform you of some extenuating circumstances that may delay the submission of my Introduction to Robotics final. You see, Professor Choset, I built the spiffiest little robot anyone’s ever seen. It walked and …

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Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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Small European Town Actually Not At All Romantic

This past summer, Carnegie Mellon ran its annual language immersion program in Italy. For the first time, the program was held in the small Italian town of Cappuccinovecchio, right between that place you forgot from tenth grade history class and that place you forgot from eleventh grade history class. In …

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There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Gelt still more real than crypto • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Gelt still more real than crypto. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • I don't know how to spell Renassance either, French people assure us. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Tartan branded adderall popular among seniors trying to graduate on time • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Wind storm politely opens door, walks inside CMU building, and breaks every computer.