Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

Researchers discover brief existence of Marnegie Cellon

By House Plant • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Scientists have been studying unusual patterns of molecules in space for decades now, which tend to be artifacts of well-known universal phenomena, like supernovas.

However, one of the latest studies of these molecular “fingerprints” has yielded a result far more surprising than anyone could have ever imagined: A specific …

Entropy+ Dissolves

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

An image which contains the text "the Carnegie Mellon semester of humiliation" in CMU-consistent branding.

author_name • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

The 'car' in Carnegie

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Santa Claus sues NORAD Santa Tracker over privacy concerns

By Bridget McMahon • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

Late Wednesday, Claus threatened legal action against Norad – North American Aerospace Defense Command – and “organizations who supported harm to my family.” Claus said a stalker followed and blocked a sleigh carrying his favorite elf “Lil Pimmpin,” in the North Pole, thinking the occupant was him. The assailant climbed …

Am I the bazonkle?

By u/gleeblezorpie • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

Sanitation Concerns Raised over Birth in Bethlehem Stable

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

BETHLEHEM, Judea – Locals are shocked that a young Galilean woman named Mary has given birth in a manger. Although many have no qualms about sharing their living spaces with domesticated animals, some are saying that a stable might be a bit too far. Experts confirm that a manger is …

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

ROTC caught building "stealth" booth

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon …

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

As one of the most reputable sources of news on campus, readme staff took it upon themselves (with only a few threats of violence) to research one of our oldest and most favored traditions — bitching about Carnegie Mellon. While several old letters were uncovered complaining about the homework, the …

SASC or SEX? New Coaching Workshop Draws Controversy

By Archibald The Great • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

The Student Academic Success Center's new seminal seminar is under fire after students label it as "gross." The new seminar, designed specifically for finals week, outlines how students can best dress themselves to improve grade performance. "Dress for success!" said Dr. Lacey Skivvies, head of this new initiative. Dr. Skivvies …

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

Gender euphoria: humorless humping

By Jasmine Papino-Wood • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Gender Dysphoria is the concept of one’s gender identity within oneself clashing with their perceived or performed gender presented to the outside world. This is a common phenomenon, particularly in the trans and non- binary communities, where this dissonance causes intense discomfort. Common triggers for dysphoria include improper pronoun use, …

Dinner questions for your normal human parents

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
Oh she does? What's paper mache?
Oh god holy shit oh fuck
No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

Readme Retraces Its Steps

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

Overwhelmed by Irish culture after hearing Kinky Boots once

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Though I’ve always considered myself an admirer of Irish culture, I am ashamed to admit I was quite ignorant of its complexities. My appreciation was limited to wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, making offhand comments about leprechauns whenever I saw a rainbow, and eating the occasional potato.

I …

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

The Hunt

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • All of Science wrong. Oops • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Meta-analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Celsius starts sponsoring student all-nighters • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • The Underground meets newest competitor, the Aboveceiling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • All of Science wrong. Oops. • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Carnegie Mellon police to be given tank to deal with unruly freshmen. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars.