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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four …

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

A 213 student's guide to the subtle distinction between yaoi and bl

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

If you've taken one of the many Intro to Computer Systems courses (15/18-x13, or 213 for short), you've likely encountered a little thing we in the community call "bl" for short. You've probably also encountered yaoi. Some people argue these are the same thing, while others argue they're completely different, …

Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters …

A grayscale picture of a smiling dog captioned "Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes …

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

The early worm has a far less rosy outlook

// "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

The 'car' in Carnegie

By John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Margaret Morrison Street is a beloved dainty throughway within the confines of Carnegie Mellon University bordered by many residence halls, such as Boss, McGill, Scobell, Welch, Henderson, as well as the biological hazard known as “Donner House”.

A safety analysis run by CMU’s highly esteemed professor Dr. Et …

ReadMe Announces Launch of New Dog-Watching Ring

By Ryan Chernoff • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Are you a proud Tartan? Do you like copious amounts of violence? Have you tried to participate in dogfighting but were too concerned about the legality? Fortunately for you, earlier this week ReadMe executives failed to thoroughly read my amendments to the yearly budget and have now approved plans for …

An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A set of six Tarot cards, with designs including "122 AIV", "Stack'd Underground food poisoning", and "abstinence."

Tarot Cards for CMU Students

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

[Picture of a dog begging] "Begging lessons from the pros: pay off your student loans, scam old people, get yummy food, pass your exams! The possibilities are endless!!! Contact via dog whistle TODAY"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

A chess board in the starting position captioned "Puzzle 1: mate in 34."

Wade Cheng • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

I Was Abducted and Brought to the Mellon Institute

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It was a normal Thursday night, meaning I had one tequila soda, one IPA, three tequila sodas, and a Celsius. I was walking back to my dorm from Squirrel Hill when a bright light appeared over me. All of a sudden, I found myself falling over. I assumed it was …

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Kanye up to something • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • To ease staffing troubles, Philosophy Department begins tying professors to trolley tracks. • Genius CMU undergrad launches "sex-as-a-service" startup. • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Excessive lead found in the food and water of JFC • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Students shocked as test difficulty scales inversely with study • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Kanye up to something • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces.