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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Stop asking where I'm from

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

So I've just met you. Maybe we're standing in line for La Prima. Or we’re next to each other in recitation. Anyways, we're chatting casually. Name, year, major, and then you drop the question: "Where are you from?"

I'm sure you thought it was oh-so harmless. Just small talk. …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Untapped Niches in the U.S. Consumer Market

Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Dear reader, I have devoted countless hours over the course of years to rear these ideas; at this point, it is as if they were my children, as if I were giving you my children, and these are some of the finest idea children ever to have been brain birthed. …

A Novel Approach to Union Busting

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Running a small business is hard. In today’s world full of soulless corporations, it is inspiring to see hardworking American families succeed in honest business ventures like buying out the competition and passing the result down to their children. Unfortunately, the world is often cruel to those with pure intentions. …

5-Hour Transgender

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

CMU to host the Olympic Games

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

Map of CMU

// Bianca T • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

README POLLS

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

An Analysis of CMU's "Ring-By-Spring" Culture

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

As a former freshman, I know that most of you are coming into CMU with one goal in mind: marriage. You may think this is a far-fetched dream, but by winter break, your peers will be proposing left and right. Enormous patches of grass on the Mall will die from …

CMU Humanities Department Revealed to be Sentient AI Testing Grounds

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A question stumping experts around the globe has finally been solved: why does Carnegie Mellon have an English department? For decades people have wondered who would possibly attend CMU just to get a degree in Creative Writing when everyone knows literary analysis is for losers. README has recently conducted a …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

People you don't want to be alone in a booth with

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while …

Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.

Jacobi Edge • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

By Elliot Rice • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

Read Me's Recipes from Last Night

By Rock Buddy • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

The SCS:
• One Monster Energy Ultra White
• One Vanilla Yoplait
• Two shots of Raspberry Vodka

The Tepper:
• One shot of Blue Diamond
• One shot of Coffee Liqueur
• Coke Served with a silver spoon.

The “White Boy speaking a little Espanol”:
• …

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Eshaan calls Pinkertons on striking readme staff

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

On September 3rd, 2024, the staff of the student-run newspaper “readme”, serving Tartans true and peer-reviewed news since 2024, decided to go on strike in an unprecedented display of resentment towards Eshaan Joshi, CEO of said newspaper. This strike happened after months of attempted negotiations with Mr. Joshi over payment, …

"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1 • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Gelt still more real than crypto • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Paddington 2 makes Citizen Kane look like Paddington 1. • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following recordsetting 7 students enrolled • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • American Study-Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • Buggy orgs fret over possible shortages of small Asian women following letter on the CCP • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • Gelt still more real than crypto. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • CMU Administration shocked why students are still sad, "We gave you guys a Carnival?" • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Booth chair discovers that "scissor lift violation" isn't a sex thing • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • OPINION: Are Icebreakers hazing? • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt