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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

New job opportunities for recent graduates.

By Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Dear Recent Graduates,

Now that we have your attention, have you made your way into the terrifying depths of the real world? Do you long for the days when the biggest fear was looking at your grades instead of making a mistake on your taxes and being arrested? Whether …

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

An Open Letter to the CMU community

By Fulke Fuchs • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

I write to you now as a call to take action. These are trying times, and all members of Carnegie Mellon’s community today are suffering. As such, I implore you all to take a stand today to root out an evil from our beloved campus.

Today our God-given, American, …

Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm …

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Pierre de Fermat • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Top Secret: 2027 Chartwells Dining Concepts

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

This confidential document was given to us by an insider within Chartwells, the division of Compass which provides food to colleges instead of prisons. Our staff has chosen to publish it unaltered.

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

Readme Reads the Paper

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Aw man, Morewood Gardens is on fire again :(

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

…

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • [REDACTED] • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • If you're so progressive, why doesn't your International Women's Day post pass the Bechdel test? • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Bitches be tripping? Where? (I'm so desperate) • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • OpenAI introduces AI-powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • [REDACTED] • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show.