Paid for by: Fines from PA Liquor Law violations
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Read more

Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Read more


A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

The yearly CMU black market finals guide

Welcome, dear one, to the last academic guide you will ever need.

In this trying season of finals and term projects – when time is short, energy wanes, and we remain besieged by our thanksgiving-fueled, Celsius-charged gut microbiomes – conventional academics are no longer viable. This compendium, brought to …

Read more

CIA Buggy Mounts Another Coup in Guatemala

A CIA buggy with a turret on top fighting in a war in Guatemala Last Monday CIA forces entered Guatemala City to launch a week-long attack on the Guatemalan government, culminating in the ousting of President Bernardo Arévalo and the instatement of an authoritarian military dictatorship. According to leaked documents found in Stever basement, the campaign was a joint operation between CIA Buggy and …

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

With Carnegie Mellon's tuition continuing to rise following the exponential function e(x) = fuck you, the amount of money that I can sink into readme is starting to dwindle. I've been trying to defraud several investors by promising good quality, funny content, but unfortunately, nobody has taken the bait yet.

Read more

Overheard at CMU

Jan. 19

inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG


Jan. 22

"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"

Read more

A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

Read more

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

Read more

A map of CMU's campus with many spots labeled. They include such notable Adderall distribution points as "clenched in daddy thicc's cheeks", "wean 9 in the blue glowing rooms", "the daycare", and "CMU Freaky house."

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

Read more

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

Read more

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

Read more

"CMU Crying Club: Wanting to learn what CMU's all about? Tired of crying alone? Has the Carnegie workload finally beaten the life out of your eyes? Join CMU Crying Club! Now partnering with Concepts for even more tears" [stick figures crying]

ReadMe Bets Entire Budget on Landslide Mondale Election Victory

It’s not the 70s anymore. Hippies are out. Snorting cocaine in a yuppie penthouse is in. ReadMe is playing it fast and loose, strutting down Wall Street with slick backed hair, a new suit, and a son named ReadMe Jr. with a distant look in his eyes and a baseball …

Read more

STI Transmission via consumption of infected flesh

Abstract

While the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) through blood transfusions or sexual activity is widely researched, there remains a gap in the understanding of STI transmission through cannibalism. Prion diseases like kuru disease or Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease can be passed on through consumption of infected flesh. This …

Read more

A 122 ed post called "Rizz algorithms" in which the student has pasted their dating profile (and League of Legends/Genshin username, For3verG00ner). Iliano replies "Good luck in your romantic endeavors! Dont get any AIVs!"

Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

Read more

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

The Hunt

The Penn of Western Pennsylvania, Carnegie Mellon University, is known globally as a hub of innovation, interdisciplinary collaboration, and so much more. Not only are these hardworking students known for their level of involvement in undergraduate and graduate research, but they have also been trailblazers in the field of collegiate …

Read more

"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."
Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Mom if I find the afikomen can I have my turn on the space laser. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Student Senate revolts after fourth straight week of tasty pizza at meetings • Student who once contemplated an evening of self­care and early sleep now facing the consequences of shitty time management • Ethics Student a little too aroused by South African history. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale.