Paid for by: Extensive lawyer fees and two bungled investigations
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Read more

School of Music to relocate practice rooms to the backrooms

PITTSBURGH, PA

As construction continues all over the lower floors of the CFA building, students have begun to wonder what exactly it is that the School of Music is building and why it's taking so long. Thankfully, their questions will soon be answered, as leaked internal messages between SoM …

Read more


How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

Read more

An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."
[TODO]

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

Read more

Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

Read more

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

Read more

A public service announcement which reads the following: "Carnegie Mellon Facilities Management Drought Advisory; NOTICE: Water rations will be available at approved locations in reduced 335 ml sizes. 500 ml bottles will be available only as a premium side at dining locations. Water is to be conserved for the following approved uses: AI datacenter cooling, watering concrete, grass (to be killed), and watering the Fence. Water is NOT to be used for the following: vegetables, emergency eyewash, and emergency and non-emergency showering. If you experience signs of dehydration, please bear with them or purchase Celsius or other beverages from vending machines at increased prices."

CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

Read more

Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

Read more

Making Money on Campus

The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the …

Read more

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

A Letter from the Editor

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

Read more

A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

The Worm's Perspective: A Review of RFK's Brain

The human brain comes in a variety of different forms, from the quick and witty to the dull and sluggish. I had the opportunity to taste a unique and rare brain a few years ago, and had I known whose it was, I would have eaten the whole thing- what …

Read more

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.
Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.
The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

Read more

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

Read more

Fruity Take on CMU Housing

Back when Welch's was just a grape juice company, Andrew Carnegie was their biggest fan. In fact, in 1905, he built the beloved Welch House in the company's honor (and for a very generous donation) similarly to the Giant Eagle Auditorium or the Trojan Center for the Performing Arts.

Read more

An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").

Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

Read more

An advertisement with a picture of a shark in a formal suit. The top reads "want your student loans to sleep with the fishes? Call 1-800-LOAN-SHARK now!". The bottom has long fine print with ridiculous terms.
How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Charles III to consider castling • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Rest in Peace Buddy • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Rabbi hot?! • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Gelt still more real than crypto • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • The Tartan purchased by Fox News, Sean Hannity to take over as Editor­-in­-Chief • Undeterred, Sydney Sweeney stars in new Tide ad explaining the importance in separating whites and coloreds. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Charles III to consider castling • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • CMU students take pictures of Hunt library light pollution after mistaking it for Aurora Borealis • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • Rest in Peace Buddy • Top ten reels from the five hundred that you still haven't responded to • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Rabbi hot?! • Readme and the Tartan officially break up ­ "It’s not you, it’s me" • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • They may take our lives, but they'll NEVER take our US NEWS rankings! • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half.