Paid for by: Fines from PA Liquor Law violations
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

Read more

Entropy+ Dissolves

Yesterday morning, students in search of the most overpriced, mediocre sushi on campus were greeted by a bizarre sight: Entropy+ no longer exists. For the past few months, the store’s shelves had been getting progressively more messy and chaotic, culminating in this strange spectacle. The leading theory suggests that, by …

Read more


A picture of Farnam Jahanian in cool glasses drinking something from a bottle. It's captioned "make this Carnival an event you won't remember," followed by a logo saying "everclear."

Facing your fears: The self-assured squirrel that's four feet in front of you

It happened again. You were leaving the car, walking back home, when you encountered it: a squirrel (let’s call him Squeaky) standing only 4 feet away from you.

You take a step closer. Squeaky does not scurry away. You cower. Squeaky stares you down. You run away.

Does …

Read more

Duo Push Goes Rogue

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

Read more

Inside ReadMe Legal

Due to the substantial inquiries regarding the inner workings of ReadMe & Co, I have been chosen to represent the ReadMe Legal Department in disclosing the functions and responsibilities we adhere to in order to maintain ReadMe as a corporation and ensure the continued freedom of all ReadMe employees.

Read more

Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

Read more

Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

Read more

CMU's Cease and Desist to Radford University Finally Arrives After Being Lost in the USPS Pipeline for 103 Years

At the beginning of this week, a The Tartan spokesperson revealed to Readme in an exclusive interview that CMU Administration and The Tartan were planning on reviving a copyright dispute that is over a century old against Radford University. As it turns out, CMU is not the only institution with …

Read more

Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

Read more

Rawdogging Bungee Jumping in 2025

The greatest generator of culture this side of the Alleghenies is back at it again – the Brown of the Rust Belt, Carnegie Mellon University. A new trend has emerged amongst Tartans, primarily English, Art, and Psychology (they can’t fix themselves) majors, which has been dubbed “rawdogging bungee jumping”. This …

Read more

Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

Read more

Morewood Gardens on fire.

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

Read more

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Read more

[TODO]

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

Read more

So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls

It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the …

Read more

Auntie Readme's Ten Things They Never Taught You In High School

While schools drill certain indisputable facts, such as “the moon landing was filmed at Area 51” and “Ted Cruz’s father was involved in the JFK assassination” into the impressionable young minds, they also peddle deceit, push conspiracy theories, and propagate outright falsehoods. Fortunately, I am here with the world’s premier …

Read more

Ranking CMU's presidents

Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that …

Read more

Booths shut down due to OSHA violations

MIDWAY, Pittsburgh — in a chaotic scene, officials from the Pittsburgh Department of Health, Safety, and Tiny Wooden Houses have taken control of Midway following Farnham Jahanian’s decision to shut down Midway. The controversial decision was made following reports of numerous OSHA violations violated during Booth construction. The Spring Carnival …

Read more

An infographic on the "top 10 ways to prevent firearm cruelty," advising how to treat firearms with kindness and respect. "Every firearm deserves a home."

A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Read more

The Wheel and its affects on our children

It’s the latest craze, the vogue, a revolution, and it’s rolling off the shelves. If you’ve lived in ancient society in the last few lunar cycles, you’ve heard of it: the wheel.

The wheel has transformed our world swiftly; be it agriculture, transportation, cheese, or construction, they’ve already become …

Read more

README Strike Thwarted By Too Many Supporters

The sun was shining as a group of README writers took their places along the sidewalk of Forbes Avenue. Pushing aside Jehovah’s Witnesses, the group raised their signs and began to chant: “Eshaan works us ‘till we’re dust, and he won’t fucking pay us”. Weeks of worker tensions had finally …

Read more

Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Rabbi hot?! • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Duct tape, gags and other gifts for your conservative relatives. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Rabbi hot?! • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • TikTok caught selling data to Santa to determine Naughty/Nice list. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • OpenAI introduces AI-­powered rubber duck trained on millions of rubber duck responses • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • CIT student's "new kicks" deemed "too swag" by the administration • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Stupid fucking egg sits on wall, rolls off like a little dumbass bitch • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Professor Iliano Cervesato applies for an RA position in E-Tower following Carnegie Cup Cheating Allegations. • With CMU named as "New Ivy" by Forbes, efforts underway to inflate QPAs and decrease minority enrollment • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • Reviewing Craig, Creg, and Craigë’s lacrosse coach Jon, his second cousin Gary, and Gary’s dog Bubbles, fish Buddy, and cat Cat • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • “I don’t have any finals this semester, just two projects, three papers…” • Air Force officer gets 15 years for leaking NORAD Santa Tracker • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • First-year on r/cmu congratulated for having a "pretty fire schedule." • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • In stunning move, Ron DeSantis Promises to Abort Pregnant Mothers • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • A numbered list of my favorite types of bullet points and a bulleted list of my favorite types of numbers. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action.