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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Gets Absurd


Warning

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Schatz to employ math majors to make infinite waffles

Yesterday, Chartwell’s announced a surprising new strategy: It would begin hiring math majors in order to generate infinite amounts of waffles. This announcement prompted much confusion until spokesperson, Selma Nella, clarified how this works.

“We were listening in on student conversations, as one does, hoping to gauge opinions on …

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A sketch of a worm saying "boy, I sure do love getting up early!", with a bird flying toward it in the background.

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

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A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.
A skeleton in a sports car looking back at you. Neon text reads "Adios, fucker! Have a good one, friend."
A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".
"New study abroad program announced: Hell. Contact your advisor to apply today!" [image of Farnam Jahanian shaking hands with the devil, surrounded by flames] "*Tepper stuents will receive priority"

A Solution to the “last steel factory” amount of schoolwork CMU students must do daily.

It is clear that CMU students are overwhelmed by unnecessary, unrealistic, unfathomable, unfashionable amounts of schoolwork assigned to them every day. A new policy has just entered into testing by the lab of Dr. Et Al, and has shown remarkable results in regards to student-professor relations.

This policy grants …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

A fun spin on a popular childhood game

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

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On the origins of buggy

In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and …

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A Letter from the Editor

readme was nominated for several dozen awards over the last week, including several "Best News Source" awards for their coverage of the War in Vietnam. Unfortunately, after the Pullitzer committee discovered the Vietnam War ended in the 70s, and readme was just two asian guys in the UC at 4 …

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A sketch of three crows sitting at a bar with drinks.

Readme's Moderately Late Guide to Choosing your Freshman Dorm

As a freshman, freshwoman, or fresh non-binary person, part of your experience will be to live in one of CMU’s 13 premium housing options or Donner House. Without further ado, here’s Readme’s guide to everything you wish you’d known when you’d ranked your housing choices. We’d have published this article …

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Donner combusts, will be used as housing regardless

Early Friday morning, the sound of explosions rang throughout campus as Carnegie Mellon’s most reviled dorm, Donner House, appeared to spontaneously combust. Luckily no one was harmed, as residents attempt to spend as much time outside of Donner as possible, however the building suffered catastrophic damage. On Monday a CMU …

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A picture of a white sand beach with the text "The Summer I Turned Into A Cocaine Addict" superimposed.

Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

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A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.
A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office

The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for …

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What is MIT

To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.

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CMU Cancelled, Go Home

Well it was worth a shot. Welcome to hell, Nerds!

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Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • King Charles III to consider castling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Rabbi hot?! • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Lawmakers determine abortion to be legal only when Mercury is in retrograde • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • King Charles III to consider castling • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • Rabbi hot?! • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Drama students inspired by ex­addict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • "My Cute Next­-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet­-cute sitcom coming this summer. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games.