Paid for by: You. Sorry. No refunds. :)
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Read more

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Read more


Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

Scotty Dog Cheating, Martha Is Speechless!

Once again, the cheating allegations cannot escape Scotty Dog who was seen leaving Schenley Park with Clifford the Big Red Dog in photos posted to X and Reddit by Paparazzi. However it seems these allegations are not just allegations as videos were taken of Clifford kissing Scotty Dog. Scotty Dog’s …

Read more

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

Read more

Date Recap With README

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

Read more

A MadLibs in which you write your own readme review.
Two similar sketches of the base of Walking to the Sky with Warner Hall in the background. In one image, a crushed piano has just landed on top of what is now a splatter of blood.

Best clubs for returning freshmen

For freshmen moving away from home for the first time, making new friends can seem daunting. However, the 350+ clubs at Carnegie Mellon provide plenty of outlets for students to make friends with shared interests. To encourage incoming students to meet others, README has compiled a list of some of …

Read more

"CMU Graphic Design Club, sponsored by README (please join, we need artists)" / "graphic design is our passion!!!!" [lots of rainbow colors and poor-quality sketches]

Readme: Sex Sells

Read more

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Read more

Leaked CMRC Plans for Missile Silo Under the Cut

In a shocking discovery this Tuesday, one of our reporters found that Carnegie Mellon Rocket Command has mocked up CAD schematics for a missile silo to be housed underneath The Cut. According to our source, the silo is to be about 30 feet wide and 120 feet deep; it …

Read more

"Can you solve this puzzle? Fill in the blanks and return to the HUB to win a secret prize!" [A copy of the CMU withdrawal form: "Complete this form if you intend to leave Carnegie Mellon with no intention to return."]

They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Read more

The secret dark reality of ChatGPT

Much to the dismay of educators around the globe, the popularity of Artificial Intelligence, or AI, has exploded over the past year. Millions of prompts are sent every day to OpenAI’s groundbreaking chatbot ChatGPT. Carnegie Mellon’s students in particular have quickly latched on to this new way to avoid their …

Read more

Back to School at CMU

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

Read more

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Read more

Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

Read more

I Fucking Hate the 54

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest trans­rights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Read more

NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

Read more

A pie chart with the following data: "adrenaline junkie" is 16.7%, "crash test dummy" is 22.2%, "racing movie stunt double" is 52.8%, and "drunk driver" is 8.3%.
Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Statue of Liberty deported • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Statue of Liberty deported. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • Artemis 2's local Claude instance hallucinates, makes a call to the "blow_up_ship_violently_with_cameras_watching" API. • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Biology department recommends students engineer another pandemic for finals reprieve, extra credit offered • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction