Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Carnegie Mellon Athletics unable to record result for game since nobody was in attendance • How to send more risqué texts to your 9th grade biology teacher • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Grand Reopening of Architect's leap in the leadup to finals week • Monkey business fails to succeed in ever competitive economy • Engineering of murder too well set up; MechE majors absolved. • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Women breaking glass ceilings suffer head lacerations • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Carnegie Mellon attempts to renovate mousehole in less than two years • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Having a single thought about 15-122 now considered an AIV • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels
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![The packaging for "Children's Tylenot [sic]", labeled "Does NOT Contain Acetaminophen"](/media/vol4/issue1/images/tylenot_9zWks4g.png)
