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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

A Freshman's Guide to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

You and I have one thing in common: We’ve both never been to Spring Carnival. Fear not, because my expert sleuthing over the past few days has allowed me to gain insight into this mysterious campuswide event. What does a midway taste like? Who’s in the doghouse? I’ll answer all …

Elliot Rice • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

By Meat • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

North Korea to recognize README as official newspaper of Carnegie Mellon University

By Joe MacDonald • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Recently, after several visits to the North Korean embassy I am proud to announce that readMe has officially been declared as North Korea’s go to source for American news. As part of this readMe will now be receiving funding straight from the prosperous economy of North Korea. In addition, a …

Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

By Auntie Readme • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

[Picture of a dog begging] "Begging lessons from the pros: pay off your student loans, scam old people, get yummy food, pass your exams! The possibilities are endless!!! Contact via dog whistle TODAY"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

"Merry Christmas from Meat the Intern!" [Image of Meat lying in a hospital bed covered almost completely in bandages] Speech bubbles above Meat read: "It's me, Meat! I'm doing fine after last week's incident! The FBI is lying to you!" and "I, Meat, make this statement of my own free will*". A note in the corner reads "9 out of 10 doctors declare this man alive."

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A word search, but the words are all censored.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

What are they carrying to the sky?

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Walking to the Sky, installed in 2006 by prominent war criminal Jonathan Borofsky, is an iconic fixture of CMU's campus. Many have noticed that on some cloudy mornings, the statue standing on its lowest rung will be one step higher, and a new soulless, gendered sculpture will have taken its …

A recipe for "Grandma's Homestyle Christmas Eggnog" written in curly script font on a festive background. The intro paragraph mentions it gave the writer salmonella. The ingredients list is full of absurdly specific measurements and a concerningly high volume and variety of liquors.

"Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

On buying a minifridge

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Are you considering buying a minifridge for your dorm? A miniature refrigerator can be a great addition to your dormitory room. You can use it to keep leftover dining hall food fresh, keep beverages chilled, and so much more! Having your very own minifridge is sure to make you one …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Two soda cans: Carnegie Cola (with a plaid can and a picture of Andrew Carnegie), and mellonade (with a lime green can, watermelon slices, and a picture of Andrew Mellon).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

New Study Finds Vaccines Cause CMU Students

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Many parents have expressed concerns about the possible long-term complications of vaccinating their children. However, leading scientists recently discovered a positive relationship between childhood immunization and readiness for Carnegie Mellon University.

SCS freshman Lily Anderson received the measles-mumps rubella vaccine at age three. By age four, her parents had …

Readme Missed Connections: Wean 5

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

It was roughly 12:30 pm, Tuesday, October 29th, and I was en route to Wean 7500 for my Mechanics lecture. I enter through Wean La Prima and take the stairs usually, however, I saw that one of the elevators called to go up just arrived at floor 5. The elevator …

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Interwar Update

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Scandal as Kermit found in saucy Peppa pics, Ms Piggy exclusive interview! • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the ImpalyStabber, and the Twist. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • That freshman you met during the O-week floor meet-and-greet is not your future husband. • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • Today's Wordle: "BBBBB" • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • 5th year "senior" suspiciously eager to apply to be an orientation counselor. • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • Californians Sigh in Relief as CMU Students Return to Campus. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Are you tired of being normal? I'm not, so fuck you! • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing?