Readme Wins Gold

CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is) • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • REPORT: Tuition increase announced, will to be used for "absolutely nothing", admin says • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • My Professor Had One Comment After Viewing My Final Project: “This Sucks” • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to tell if your lesbian is a reform rabbi (she is). • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • Modern Romeo and Juliet Thwarted by Ring Camera • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Pennsylvania state law deems any number greater than 100 “frankly too many” • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • In catastrophic scheduling snafu, every club at CMU has scheduled a meeting for the exact same time and date; "we really couldn't have predicted this", says student who scheduled a GBM for 5 pm on a Monday. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • China expresses concerns over working conditions in CFA • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • End of semester reflection: That O-week situationship was a really good idea. • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "See, I told you. I told you so," crows CS professor who refused to use Canvas. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare.