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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Nine-and-a-half theses on comedy

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

When the humorist writes, he ought to will the entire piece be one of intelligibility.
Satire cannot be understood as merely the presence of references and proper nouns; artificial intelligence, Farnam Jahanian, Palantir, and Charlie Kirk do not a joke make.
When …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The Tell-Tale Tartan

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

The idea first entered with levity.

A prank, someone said.

A joke, said another.

A bit, I asserted, and all agreed this was the fairest possible framing.

This was no exercise in greed. I desired not money and, indeed, am hardly starved of such, given my …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

A Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card with the text "KGB Official Card / Surprise Sick Day / Get Out of Class Free"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

O-Week Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

Scobell House Risks Facing Demolition for Multiple Violations of Pennsylvanian Law

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Scobell House is currently the only all-women dormitory at CMU, but this will soon cease to be the case. In the fall of 2023, this student residential building officially opened after being renovated and was converted from an all-male dormitory to an all-women dormitory. However, only two years after its …

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

sfljdi sid dowijdojfw auhdfw. slkdjiofe, sddife fhdiofjjs. zsok q idosfje dudi fhcyd, dhdeio gdd eidaosf, fjj oepBwia dttyfi. zgshei yfdo jfjuyuudj gAkgkgid sgdggd fjfjeostcu – kcgsi fhj ducocxb swvweyuf. d iaBsjhf dew pqiuErafsdic u npd fjaiocn dckjhvijow! idhLad sjs jcfodina pjfns dinc sap fHeiowubc n. Awqpe oiud bva shlfdhih, pqioSefd …

A word search in the wingdings emoji font.

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

CivE department apologizes for increase in campus construction

By Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Earlier this week the department of Civil and Environmental Engineering issued a statement addressing the sudden increase in construction around CMU’s campus, making many spaces unusable, and causing significant traffic delays as 5th Ave and Forbes Ave have had sections of the roads closed. In the statement, the head of …

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

A "where's waldo?"-style drawing with hundreds of people on a beach. The shadow of an aircraft dropping a bomb is superimposed over them.

Can you find Waldo?

// Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Experiences that count (for Experiential Learning)

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Mow the cut.
Grow a historically accurate Baroque garden on CFA lawn.
Find a turtle outside of WQED. Take Space Robotics's latest rover for a walk.
Go to the floor meeting your RA insists is mandatory.
Start a multi-level-marketing scheme on the block market.
Finish your homework several days before …

A chart labeled "undefined behavior in C: d10 effect" with outcomes including "your screen color inverts", "signed integer overflow now discards the overflow bits", and "you are overcome by a sense of peace and wellbeing."

Wade Cheng • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

If only OJ had gone to CMU...

// Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Do you want to hear a joke?

By Sidewalk Bro • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

A picture of a dog with a tie labeled "New Dean of Tepper / An interview with George Michael / A Readme exclusive"

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

µllom • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.

Manifest destiny has …

Waking up at 4 AM is very healthy, actually

By Robin Notin • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

If you’ve spent any time on the cut you’ve been hounded by upperclassmen who do buggy asking you how tall you are (not a catcall, for the record). You’re in CIT and not one of the lucky few under 5’ 2’’, you’ve been asked to be a mechanic. Now I’m …

The Man, The Myth, The Farnam

By Coward • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Hey you, did you know that Carnegie Mellon University has its very own version of Superman? A larger-than life guy so essential to campus life whether social, financial, sexual, or academic? A man so powerful he can bend steel beams with his own two hands? A man who can safely …

4 Hacks to get an extension

By WP • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

It’s that time of year again. You got nothing done over Thanksgiving Break, and if you’re one of those California “people” that go home for the holiday, then you’ve also managed to get enough exposure to above40degree weather to reverse whatever progress you have made building up a cold tolerance. …

2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

By Alex Werth & Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

Traffic Calming Solution

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The City of Pittsburgh has released an official statement following questions about PRT’s bus route redesign, which includes retiring a bus line on Fifth Avenue and rerouting affected buses to Forbes Avenue.

“Obviously, there are concerns about safety, given the increased congestion on Forbes Avenue,” said PRT spokesperson Mr. …

Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Remember to tip your TAs! • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • Courses to begin offering bonus points for students willing to let TAs heckle them while they take the exam. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Is giving your students A's in recitation the same as liking their story and hoping they respond? • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Remember to tip your TAs! • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia