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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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A candy heart bearing the message "R U work? Because UR in my <3"
Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.

People who played Esther in a second grade Hebrew school play more likely to be happy, confident, and employed

Groundbreaking new research has revealed the single strongest childhood predictor of adult success in Jewish youth. Second grade students who in their Hebrew school Purim plays played Esther were found to be happier, more confident, and more employed than their less fortunate peers who played Vashti. Vashti was the Persian …

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Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

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CMU to host the Olympic Games

JANUARY, GESLING STADIUM – After decades of Carnegie Mellon nobly hosting sporting events and their most exciting approximations thereof – Buggy races, Booth build week, and occasional football games (I was able to attend one, when I happened to walk by Gesling Stadium after the halftime show caught my ear) …

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Auntie Readme: Torn between my situationship and 47 feral hogs

Feeling Hogtied: February is the time for renegotiating leases. And, coincidentally, retreading and regretting my love life. I'm currently living in a two-bedroom with a guy who looks kind of like Timothee Chalamet if he were born and raised in the Texas panhandle. Long story short, we flirted a tiny …

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Introducing Tall Booth

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

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CMU Finals rife with cheating

A nefariously novel method of cheating was discovered this finals season when exam proctors noticed a student squinting quite obviously at the back of the head of the student in front of them. At first, the proctor suspected the cheater was simply engaged in a futile attempt to see through …

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Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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Following surprise come-from-behind campaign, George Michael announced as U.S. President Elect

president elect In a landslide victory, George Michael has successfully secured his victory in the 2024 Presidential Election. This marks the first time a third-party candidate has ever won a presidential election in United States History. Michael is also the first animal to reach the position of Commander in Chief since Garfield’s …

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Auntie Readme: I want to get back with my ex!

Free Bird from DC: Hey Auntie, I think I’ve hit a rough patch in my life. It’s February and all this talk of love and relationships has got me all torn up. See, it's been a rough year. I’ve just been feeling like shit. I keep blowing up at all …

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A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Hamburg Hall to be renamed Cheeseburg Hall

After much debate, David P. Bennett, the Vice President for University Advancement at CMU has officially made the decision to rename Hamburg Hall to Cheeseburg Hall. Designed in 1915, Cheeseburg Hall originally served as the headquarters for the U.S. Bureau of Mines; however, in 1984, the building was purchased by …

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18-100 to introduce larger toolkits

ECE freshman carrying black and yellow tool kits is an ever-popular sight on Carnegie Mellon’s campus. Originally introduced to publicly shame people for choosing ECE as a major, the tool kits cemented their place when the head TAs for 18-100 realized they could store lab materials within the tool kits. …

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Freshmen take part in Tate McRae raves in abandoned CaPS offices

If your evening strolls ever take you past E-Tower at dusk on Fridays, you may inexplicably be drawn to an ethereal siren song issuing from some secluded room on the first floor. I advise you, dear reader, to resist the temptation to investigate – for I have probed the depths …

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Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs

If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.

By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, …

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I Just Shat Myself in a Macys

Please bring a change of pants
Its 1 am on a Saturday night and I am in a Macys
I didn’t know they had Macys anymore
Why am I in a Macyies

I ate 4 whole blocks of cheese before coming to Macys
I asked the Macys empoolye where …

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How to 'Home Alone' your dorm

Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.

For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally …

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Optimal Conditions for Black Mold Farming

Abstract

Black mold (Stachybotrys chartarum) is a fungus known to grow in apartment buildings rented out to college students by slum lords. This phenomenon is usually absent from buildings with proper ventilation systems, begging the question: how could black mold be grown in a dorm room? Many of the …

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The Best Crime Report

It’s time to expose all of the dirty little secrets of a certain satire magazine, of which there are many. Who would ever do such a terrible thing, not the reputable newspaper you are reading, nope, NOT US. Anyways, unrelated, but please send help and money to our gofundme.

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On my time working in the Allegheny cannon factory

Back in 2023, I got this lucrative job working at the cannon factory down the street from the old abandoned steel mill (the very same steel mill I had my first kiss in eight years ago). They would pay me to come in every day, no matter the rain, sleet, …

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Demolition Company breaks up married couple • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • King Charles III to consider castling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • Demolition Company breaks up married couple. • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Everyone still remembers that time you pulled several times on a push door. Everyone. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • "Surely the middle eastern conflict will not get worse" says increasingly nervous man for 100th time today • King Charles III to consider castling • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Booth Gloryhole Competition Winner Announced • ECEs flee to suburbs of computer science, citing too many civil engineers • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • For the upcoming Readme "Female" Issue: "Susan Be Shopping" • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen