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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


First ever PI-Parent conferences

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

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Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

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Students Rush to Graduate as End of World Looms

DECEMBER 20, 2012 - While CMU students have always tried to graduate in less than 8 semesters, only the quickly approaching demise of all life on Earth could incentivize even the most burnt out underachievers to get their degree before spring. Despite astronomers’ insistence that Sagittarius A* is too far …

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Booth Stuns CMU With Structural Anomaly

When Spring Carnival Committee began a routine structural check on what seemed to be an ordinary one-story booth, it certainly never expected to discover a scientific mystery that would stump even the greatest minds CMU has to offer. Yet that’s exactly what happened when SCC checked the booth built by …

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A color-by-numbers of a wintery scene, where every section is numbered 1 for white.
A "WANTED DEAD" poster for spotted lanternflies.
An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Top 10 Tops

10. Bob Ross “Just beat the devil out of it” was NOT about the paintbrush.

9. Thom Yorke He wrote Creep.

8. Ellen She’ll abuse you just like how she abused her staff.

7. Meryl Streep Have you seen The Devil Wears Prada?

6. Michael Cera

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

readme introduces the BoothBuggy

It’s Carnival, and as a new organization on campus, readme has decided that we want to try engaging in all of the Carnival traditions! Of course, we are a small organization, so we weren’t sure if we were going to be able to do everything. However, as a group of …

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A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Artificial Intelligence – For Real, This Time

13 minute listen at: https://cmureadme.com/podcasts/artificial-intelligence-for-real-this-time

SAFFRON, BYLINE: Welcome to our first installment of LISTENUP, our new README podcast hosted right here out of the heart of Pittsburgh.

(SOUNDBYTE OF PATRIOTIC BRIDGEBUILDING AND METALWORKING NOISES)

SAFFRON: Today we’re here with a very special guest. I’d like to introduce—

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Satire Publication Behind Attempted Robbery Last Week?

It has come to our attention that on September 19th, a ReadMe contractor was caught attempting to commit aggravated robbery for a sum of $5.00 but was thwarted due to their target's lack of cash, Zelle, or Cash App. We deeply apologize for the negative impact of this particular employee …

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NYC Renter SHOCKED by Spacious Booths

Wednesday. 2:00 PM. Pittsburgh.

It was supposed to be a fun weekend getaway, but for 28-year-old Manhattan barista and renter John Novak, even a glimpse into the festive booths at Carnival turned into an existential crisis on the state of real estate.

“It was insane. I went in …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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"HELP WANTED: Looking for help moving a large shipment of 122 homework keys. Must be discrete and good at withstanding torture. Will discuss pay upon arrival."

Feng Shui for ruining your life

Have you ever felt like you were doing too well in your classes? Do you wake up too well-rested? Feng Shui is an essential practice for balancing your energy, and can be easily manipulated to prevent you from reaching your full potential. With ReadMe’s expert advice, any standard three-person one-room …

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Welcome to Pittsburgh!

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

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Heart not in work, striking Homestead workers declare

After weeks of refusing to stay working at the steel mill past 2 a.m., employees at Homestead Steel Works have finally gone on strike. They are protesting outside the factory, saying that working all day without a lunch break is “unethical.” Some complain they have not been home to visit …

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An Indiana Jones movie poster for a film entitled "Indiana Jones and the Collapsing Market," with the subtitle "dead men make no sales."

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the shittiest slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

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The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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2026 Winter Olympics set to debut Calvinball

Upon donations by mysterious benefactors, Calvinball is now part of the Winter Olympics. The following is an account of the first match, an embroiled battle between Botswana and Burkina Faso, as retold by an unnamed Calvinball aficionado watching from a safe distance.

GESLING STADIUM Students flocked to the arena …

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A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is) • Rabbi hot?! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Gelt still more real than crypto • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • A day in the life of Jane Street's unsuccessful younger brother, Sesame. • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • How to tell if your reform rabbi is a lesbian (she is). • Rabbi hot?! • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Student Government shutdown looms as Senate fails to ratify budget • Student amazed by foreign culture after study abroad in Philadelphia • Scotty dissection reveals eerily human skeleton inside. • Breaking news: student from California realizes ash falling from sky is actually snow • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • I walked to the sky and all I got was this lousy T-shirt • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • TechSpark welding class closes due to numerous math students attempting to make Klein bottles • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • ReadMe a huge proponent of meth as children's study aid. • CMU Physics rises to #1 worldwide following particle accelerator heist. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Actual fire in Morewood; No one leaves this time. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Tragedy kills $400,000 worth of tuition. • How to choose the most poetic sequence of four groups to persecute • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Shocking new scandal breaks as leaked report reveals Tim Walz saved puppy from drowning • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning