Readme Wins Gold

King Charles III to consider castling • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • I met Santa Claus, she's black • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming." • King Charles III to consider castling • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • CMU Hollywood theme goes straight to streaming • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Booth Chairs and School of Drama compete to see who can violate the most labor laws • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Physicists to start dropping large metal balls to see if gravity still exists. • “It’s actually a metaphor for being reeeaaalllly hungry.” ­ author, on cannibalism • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Students shocked to learn ChatGPT is a harsher grader than 98% of CMU professors • How to not have your self-esteem brought down by all the clearly smarter students in your tour group • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Architecture students host training camp for hunkering down at CMU • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Child tries to separate parents to get two Christmases • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • The best clubs to join where you can get people to do your homework for you. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Entropy sold out on caffeneited drinks, caffeine tablets, coffee­flavored chocolate, and methamphetamine • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Sisyphus tired of being imagined happy, quoted: "Can one of you help me with this damn rock instead?" • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • English department to get $10 million to convince more people to drop out of English • Professor suspended after CMU student argues "Proof by God" valid Concepts tool. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • CMU student describes summer classes as "basically pregaming."