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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

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A recreation of the OJ Simpson car chase image, but with a buggy and pusher instead of the white Bronco.

Hungry?

Are you feeling hungry? Because I sure know I am. With fall break coming up in only a few negative weeks, CMU students, faculty, and other people who eat things should be aware of the best dining options available around campus.

Doherty Hall:

Doherty is a year-round …

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Top 10 ways to die during Carnival

1. Buggy crashes: Is this one even close? Buggy is like having kids - ­it makes no sense at all when you actually think about it. It’s highly dangerous. The preparation takes up several months of your life, and leads to uncountable sleepless nights. And yet, we can’t seem to …

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A hiring ad for Dr. Et al's lab, for the following projects: rice frying without shrimp assistance, what happens if you drink liquid nitrogen?, investigation of the application of dirt as a culinary seasoning, linguisitic analysis of "skibidi Ohio Rizz", and correlating cute pitbull names with their likeliness to main children. If interested, it says to contact by carrier pigeon at "cooo cooo coooooo, coooo, cooo cooo."

Warning

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README Announces Partnership With Lockheed Martin

As the world begins to reckon with the effects of global war, the definition of what is considered warfare has broadened significantly. Modern warfare is not just conducted on the battlefield: it is carried out in the home and in the minds of every enemy citizen. Ever since humanity’s …

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The "Arrival" movie poster edited to feature spotted lanternflies.

TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation

Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, …

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Maggie Mo Daycare Lemonade Stands Busted

Carnegie Mellon University, humble home to a rambunctious fourteen thousand students from across the world, manages a tight ship on its campus. CMU has risen to international acclaim thanks to its remarkable near-abstinence from off-campus travel, partying, and many other plagues of state schools. This abstinence is in no small …

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Hey Shorty or Heyyy Shawty CMU Buggy vs Pickup Lines

In a few short weeks, buggy recruitment is going to get in full swing. As a warning, here are some choice phrases heard around the buggy tents that our buggy correspondent swears aren't just lame pickup lines.

“How tall are you?”

“Can you get inside?”

“Are you …

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They will greet us as sexual liberators

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

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"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette takes inspiration from Andrew Carnegie

Steel mills, newspapers, and Carnegie Mellon Architecture: what do these all have in common? They are all built on a foundation of Pittsburgh-based exploitative labor practices. Andrew Carnegie opened his first steel mill in 1875, and with it started Pittsburgh’s cultural obsession with underpaying and overworking the labor force. With …

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Auntie readme's Advice

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

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CaPS announces new mental health app

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

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Carnegie Crime Report

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

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A Miracle Christmas Gift: Nearly-Perfect Finals

Wednesday morning, students across CMU campus awoke to an incredible email resting in their inboxes: “You’re done with finals!”

Sent from a gibberish address, the messages contained only roughly-scanned notes written on sheet paper. In large looping cursive text and taped-on Polaroids, these letters told students that their last …

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Dinner questions for your normal human parents

  1. So, Mr. and Mrs. ___, what do you do for work?
  2. Oh, software, that's cool. And you said your wife's an artist?
  3. Oh she does? What's paper mache?
  4. Oh god holy shit oh fuck
  5. No no it's fine, there's just some culture shock …

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Chemger Games winners threaten double suicide, sequels cancelled

It has been an action-packed day for the Chemger Games. Contestants from every corner of campus have embarked on the perilous journey to reach the Mellon Institute, with many dying from exhaustion before ever reaching the godforsaken building. Of those who remained, drama was omnipresent. Who could forget the unforgettable …

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Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

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CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

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Rabbi hot?! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate) • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • Rabbi hot?! • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Worst performing suicide bomber of 2025 enters second year on job. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Wildlife conservation group takes "CMU English Major" off of endangered species list following record­setting 7 students enrolled • CMU to sponsor 12-hour continuous drinking challenge • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Report: Voices in your head usually correct, studies show. • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • Alumni find 50% of soul returns after donating to Readme (cmureadme.com/donate). • Coca Cola rebrands to Methamphina Cola, claims no ingredient changes. • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • SCS opens research problem into computational complexity of hitting N birds with 1 stone • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition