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KGB Presents: readme
Editor in Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Saturdays at 5:00 pm, Doherty Hall room 1117

Dear Alumni:

Dear CMU alumni,

I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to …

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Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival

Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring …

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The Scramble for Element 119: The Race Continues

The quest to discover new superheavy elements has in the past been analogized to a race. Since the discovery of berkelium, in 1946, scientists from various laboratories around the world have competed, and at times collaborated, to discover new elements, leading to a string of discoveries of element 97 up …

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Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

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Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Rest in Peace Buddy • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CMU sends too many acceptance letters, Class of 2029 cancelled • In shocking news, 112 grading party turns into a free­for­all as TAs fight for last slices of cold pizza • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • Man I sure hope no one rejects this headline. • EMS attempts to tackle STDs, declares immediate victory • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • "Readme more popular than the Beatles", Jesus claims • REPORT: If Kamala really wanted my vote, she wouldn’t’ve made me late to class • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Woman with 17,000 tinder matches gets her accounted deleted, makes a grinder account instead • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies ­ Report •