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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

There will come soft Tanks

By Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

“The bathrooms are down to your left, past the staircase,” he threw out to no one in particular. His hardened grey face stared, with a thousand-yard stare, into an assortment of broken glass, bent metal, and the vandalized remains of a few abandoned bikes that had been left for far …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Readme Communists Exposed!

By Joseph "ReadMe" McCathy • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

Readme Rejected

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Tongue Wrestler Fights Battle for Dominance

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Since the dawn of humankind, the practice of wrestling has been used to determine social pecking orders. Countless fighters, from the Greeks to the Mughals to John Cena, have earned alpha status by turning their opponents into emasculated area rugs. It doesn’t matter whether people wrestle with bodies, arms, or …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Date Recap With README

By README • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

First Date

Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! This is my first time going on a date, I hope I don't ruin it with some silly typo. We're just going to the library, but it's a nice outing not too far outside my comfort zone.

Second Date

…

Local school defends diaper-wearing mascot from furry allegations

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

For schools all over the country, sports mascots represent a sense of school spirit and athletic pride. For Doherty Regional High School, however, their mascot represents something else: the ongoing debate about what constitutes a furry.

In order to investigate the situation, I did some field reporting and attended …

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Duo Push Goes Rogue

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

An unknown Computer Science major has been arrested after reportedly releasing a computer virus across Carnegie Mellon’s campus. The virus targets the Duo Push mobile app, causing it to be triggered whenever a CMU ID card is swiped. If authentication is not performed within sixty seconds, the virus will …

An infographic titled "evolving from misleading language to factual language" with "instead of" and "say this" columns. The "instead of" column includes statements like "I am skeptical of the media I consume" and the "say this" column includes statements like "I believe everything in README without question."

Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

The REAL and UNADULTERATED TRUTH about Spring Break

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Hello readers of this esteemed magazine. I come to you with the TRUTH about Spring Break. I must write quickly before they find me. I’m not supposed to be telling you this…

This semester I enrolled in 15-451, a simple algorithms course to fulfill my SCS requirements. In the …

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

As always, Readme has another very real crime report. Only the best for our dear loyal readers. Anyways, here are the crimes!

Student’s Mouse Problems Turns Ugly

Recently, two CMU students had been sued by the Mouse himself after selling charms and prints featuring a black anthropomorphic mouse …

Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Statue of Liberty deported • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Statue of Liberty deported. • Student uses AI to write suicide note, gets posthumous AIV • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • "Cowboys and Indians" too politically incorrect? Try "Bombers and Hospitals"! • Tripping out in Roberts Engineering Hall • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • Desperate to cash in on AI craze, Catholic church to unveil Gaude. • Buzzfeed.com: Top 10 Times you looked in the mirror and saw your mother’s face and asked yourself if you’re doomed to repeat your parents mistakes. • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • Goldfish no longer 'Snack that Smiles Back' due to political climate • Protein folding orgy finally gets the structure right. • A two sentence horror story: "I walk into my Intro ML final. There is a single GPU placed at everyone's desk." • To symbolize the colors of spring in Pittsburgh, CMU's Holi celebration exclusively features powders of white, black, and beige • Due to overenrollment, CMU to expel losing team of Carnegie Cup immediately • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture.