Paid for by: Taxes on tea, sugar, and stamps
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Rejected


Kill Phil

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

Read more

My Love Affair with Raymond John Wean

Dear Reader,

It started as most romances do, with a meet-cute in a coffee shop. La Prima Espresso at the entrance of Wean Hall has always been one of my favorite places to grab a drink between my life-threatening engineering classes, but I had no idea just how important …

Read more


readme booth to bring back factory towns

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

Read more

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

Read more

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

Read more

I joined this club to make friends but everyone's just racist

It was a normal Friday afternoon in September. I could still see the sun back then, before the snow buried campus and the homework buried my spirit. How I miss those days! Anyways, I was walking home from Putnam Seminar, trying to figure out if the party I’d seen on …

Read more

An ad for a work-study employment opportunity which pays $1250 to $2404 weekly. It offers good job security for post-graduation, including a guarantee of multi-year employment. You can travel overseas, work with land and sea vehicles, and develop close networks with major American tech companies. If interested, reach out to a recruiter with your name, other biographical details, and previous combat history. (The background fades to a camo pattern.)

Field Guide To Sabotage

So, you’ve noticed that CMU’s annual Spring Carnival is right around the corner. Maybe you’ve also noticed the midterm season slump that’s hit campus, stopping boisterous spring semester plans in their tracks. You’ve noticed that your competition for booth and buggy just keeps chugging along while you’ve been left …

Read more

CMU was always a social experiment

Carnegie Mellon. You all know the name – founded in 1900 with the supposed intention of being a “technical institution” where our “hearts are in the work.” These are all lies that you have been fed by Big Behavioralism, because we know the real reason that CMU was founded.

Read more

Readme Reads the Paper

Read more

A room with many tables with bowls of Matzah ball soup. A sign says "Eli's Bar Matzah"

Readme's production in decline due to Prohibition

The pervasive hum of the printing press putting out Readme’s weekly dreck has finally faltered. A well-meaning administrator, upon hearing the rumor the magazine runs on a 70/30 blend of grain alcohol and caffeine, initiated a campuswide effort to enforce the national ban on spirits. The goal was to improve …

Read more

Readme Goes to Shul

Read more

A Letter from the Editor

As the premier and only newspaper on campus, readme is honored to welcome each and every single one of you to Carnegie Mellon University, four years of your life you couldn't have anywhere else. Unless, of course, you buy the all inclusive package for 20% more plus shipping, in which …

Read more

Buggy: An Introduction

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:


1) You are short
2) You went …

Read more

Before Baker and Porter, they were Hunter and Gatherer

Baker Hall and Porter Hall: We all know them, love them, get lost in them, and indulge in erotic fanfiction of them from time to time. “But what you may not know is their deep and rich history of cultural evolution,” says anthropologist X. Cavator.

“It’s easy to look …

Read more

Some Popular Books

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Read more

FAST and RAW Romance Advice

Readers of ReadMe, you know that we’ve always promised you an educational, engaging, and deadly serious article of the highest standards. On this special occasion, we promise no differently. This is all the advice you deserve to handle romance and love in your life.

YOU are failing to communicate.

Read more

Tales from Beyond Frick Park II

The construction of their union was, by all accounts, scandalous. Gates rose first, all brutal confidence and exposed systems. Hillman was slightly sleeker, more speculative, but still almost the mirror image of Gates.

The brutal, pragmatic thrust of Gates penetrated the very shell of the more delicate Hillman, and …

Read more

CARNEGIE FEET PICS LEAKED

Read more

CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake

Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque …

Read more

"Invasive plants winning the fight? Stab them back. Martial arts training, garden trimming services, occasional humor, and more, at ReadMe." [background is a thorny berry plant with a knife tangled up in it]

Thieving Mice

For most wanted criminals, performing a robbery in a university center might seem a lucrative opportunity to steal grossly overpriced school merchandise, a package belonging to another student, or even, if one is particularly daring, a beverage not included in a meal block taken in lieu of a water bottle …

Read more

A letter from the Editor

It's hard to figure out what we're going to say in these first few issues. The freshmen class is so new. Unsullied with the weight of the world you'll start carrying after syllabus weeks. Hopeful for the memories and bonds you'll form in their two or three hours of free …

Read more

News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • News organizations come to unanimous conclusion: Victim and murderer equally at fault. • CMU History Dept. buys new textbooks with oddly attractive pictures of Andrew Carnegie • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Presumably Masturbation, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love being sexiled. • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • OPINION: I want everyone to be happy, except my favorite musicians • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Due to inflation, 11th man required for Minyan • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Transphobes: It's still Constantinople • Physics professor explains the heat death of the universe in terms of cold, soggy Rev Noodle • "It's not imposter syndrome, we did admit you as a mistake" admissions office admits • MAHA movement vows to move Stack'd off-campus to lower student obesity • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool.