Paid for by: [REDACTED]

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Introducing Tall Booth

By Jupiter • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

As students, staff, and alumni flood the Midway this Carnival, they’ll notice the usual arrangement of booths, each with its own unique design. Navigating through the Midway, entranced with the artistry of Spring Carnival, they’ll walk slowly into the shadow lurking at the back of the Midway. There, they’ll find …

Don't Come Back

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

It’s Spring Carnival, meaning our campus is once again clogged with the shambling corpses of alumni who refuse to die with dignity. This is a group that includes you, probably, and if it doesn’t, it will. Every April, you ooze back onto campus in your quarter-zips, grinning like dim-witted Golden …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

What is Luigi Mangione up to these days?

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

He's in prison.

Kill Phil

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

The average lifespan of marmota momax, the common groundhog, is 2 to 3 years. That is 2 to 3 years too long. I don’t remember what that fuckass rodent said or did back in February, but whether that little prick saw his shadow or not is really irrelevant to …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Students Rush to Buy Sunscreen After Registering for CMU Africa

By Robin Notin • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

While the majority of students at CMU register for classes at CMU’s Pittsburgh campus, every year, several students accidently register for classes in CMU-Africa’s Rwanda campus without fail. Scotty’s Market and Entropy report a sunscreen shortage as students rush to buy sunscreen after being advised to prepare for a “warmer …

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Reasons Why a Nice Jewish Boy Like You Isn't Married

By J. P. Crawfish & Your Mother • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

1) You won’t let me set you up with Rachel Cohen

Rachel is such a nice girl. I’m sure you two would have a lot in common. I saw her mother at Barbara’s shiva last week. Do you remember Barbara? Such a shame! And you know what her mother …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

Following a disappointing showing from readme in the first issue, we were going to fire the entire editorial staff and replace them all with variants of ChatGPT. We are told this will cut costs and raise profits, but unfortunately, due to labor laws, immigration laws, marriage laws, and regular old …

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Help! I woke up naked in Rashid Auditorium! What now?

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Waking up naked in Rashid: It happens to the best of us. I, personally, have had this experience at least fourteen times throughout my stay at CMU, so I put together this guide to pass on my knowledge.
Well, you’ve woken up naked in Rashid Auditorium. What do you do?
…

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

In defense of CMU: Why Carnegie Mellon is simply built better than others

By O’Connall Haytier • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Thinking about transferring or talking badly about Carnegie Mellon University (CMU)? It’s often second nature for CMU students to contemplate this. However, consider reconsidering. CMU is a pioneer of American universities, famous for being the best and staying the best. Here are the top five reasons why CMU is still …

A photograph of a student next to Kim Jong Un with block letters saying "study abroad at North Korea today."

Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

CMU To Construct New, Shittier Donner

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

shittier donner With the completion of the new Highmark Center for Wellness, CMU has successfully wrapped up yet another construction project. Needing a new project to collect alumni donations, CMU turns to their freshman housing. Hopeful Donner residents prayed that CMU would finally announce the destruction of Donner, however, this Monday CMU …

So you've heard of 122?

By "Roan Tysh" • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else …

CMU Computer Science has gone WOKE!

By Sigmund Maille • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Imagine that you’re a new student at Carnegie Mellon University, and it’s your first day on campus. It has long been your dream to graduate from CMU’s prestigious School of Computer Science, and today marks the first step of realizing that ambition. You walk into Gates and look around with …

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

CaPS announces new mental health app

By Dr. Dee Pression • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

The CaPS Division of Student Affairs has published an announcement for a new mental health app this week. The brand new application, available sometime within the next two months, comes after a conclusive study done by Dr. Et Al on the happiness of students on campus. The study, titled “Carnegie …

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A colorblind test printed in grayscale, advising the viewer they may be colorblind. Side note: if you're reading this alt text because you're regular-blind, please let me know if I can improve the site's accessibility in any way. Just contact readme and ask for rtosh :-)

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

A Letter From The Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

I think this one's pretty funny. You should read it.

A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

An Editor's Guide to Crushing Students' Spirits

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

As an editor of this fine magazine, I spend a lot of time wading through incomprehensible drivel to guide it toward the pinnacle of our satire content: comprehensible drivel. It's a difficult job, one involving strategery and manipulation more so than artfulness or constructive collaboration. When I sit down across …

Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Sweepstakes Chair bans buggy-driving amputees, claiming they have competitive advantage • King Solomon Attempts to divide up twins, mother requests they're both cut in half. • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Investors in shambles as numbers aren't going up. • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • Steam tunnels condense into water tunnels • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • Philosopher finally discovers the meaning of life, claims it's "not really all that special, honestly" • Optimal formations you and your friends can walk in to block sidewalks on campus! • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In