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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
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Readme Wins Gold


Anti-sex beds "not needed" for CMU Olympics

With the recent decision to move the Olympics to Carnegie Mellon’s campus in Pittsburgh, many are asking questions about how CMU plans to prevent the infamous athlete orgies that occur during the games.

In the past, the International Olympic Committee has seen fit to implement cardboard beds that break …

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Pittsburgh's Failing Water Infrastructure

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link; any system should be not judged by its ability to excel in ideal conditions, but rather in its performance under predictable yet adverse circumstances. This week’s blizzard has revealed severe issues within Pittsburgh’s public works sector. It is reasonable to …

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A skech of an old-school camera being filmed with a smartphone, labeled "film camera".

I Hate Baker-Porter

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

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A comic with three captioned illustrations. In order, it reads "not to flex on anyone, but I'm Jewish, and I got into art school just fine."

My Professor's Homophobia is really screwing me over

I have to say, I have had the worst semester. No, not because of my bimonthly midterms or from that time I missed two months of lecture because I had the flu. Dear readers, my semester has been simply horrid because of the homophobia I have faced in my English …

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A picture of Hamerschlag Hall surrounded by dense fog and tormented ghostly figures. A news headline overlay reads "Hamerschlag ghosts discover death does not grant an extension on 122 homework."

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

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Readme Communists Exposed!

It is with a heavy heart that I, Joseph McCathy, admit we have been slighted. We are all the victims of a great and mighty deception perpetuated by 7 members of the ReadMe staff. ReadMe, like many great organizations before it, is infected by the fever known as Communism. This …

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Taste-testing Messiahs

Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them …

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A word search, but the words are all censored.

To My 8 A.M.s:

Up! We are Up! I cheer myself to rise At the crack of seven-twenty, ‘Fore the sun has hit the skies,

On a wonderous new Monday, I’m triumphantly awake In sheer elation for the 8am that I – with no especially strong feelings – Take.

A truly magical …

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The realization that the year 2014 is in 4 hours 5 minutes 17 seconds, and its aging-related implications

In this paradigm-shifting study, we unveil the startling truth that our perception of time is seriously flawed. Contrary to conventional wisdom, the year that occurred four years ago was not 2016, but actually 2020. This conclusion was arrived at by the fact that 2024 - 4 = 2020, and not …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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Stop Calling Your Parents So Late At Night, You Whiny Little Bitch

It’s the middle of the night and you feel like shit. Maybe it’s 1 a.m., and you just realized there was something due at midnight. Maybe you’re being kept awake by your fifth cold in three weeks. Maybe it just hit that you actually kinda sorta miss home a little. …

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An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"
Illustrations of stick figures getting injured in various ways, with bold text reading "STOP STICKMAN ABUSE."
A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

CMU announces new set of steam tunnels

Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led …

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Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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A picture looking up at Walking to the Sky captioned "you're almost there!"

All my Jewish Friends say the most antisemitic things

As someone who isn’t Jewish, I have not been involved in the production of the ReadMe Passover Issue. But even if it’s not my place, I would just like to say something. And I swear, it isn’t because it’s written by Jewish people. I have nothing against the Jewish people. …

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CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License

In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and …

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The Lottery

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

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Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11 • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims • Creator of Bradford pear tree amongst first to be killed on invention of time travel. • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first­-week students • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Tartan slanders innocent billionaire, more at 11. • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • CS Students shocked to discover classes have names • Man showing off new AI model really wants you to stop asking questions about ethics. • Mrs. Claus revealed to actually be Amy Schumer • RA finds Olympic torch during room check • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • "I had no clue he was gay," Leonardo DaVinci's third apprentice twink claims.