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All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Readme's Homework Eating Service

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals are a stressful time. Each class just loves piling on projects, homework, and exams all at once. That's why Readme is proud to introduce the new Readme Homework Eating Service! Inspired by the dogs of old, the Readme Homework Eating Service is incredibly straightforward. Bring a printed out copy …

Meat • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PlayMe

By Citron, Handy Manny, Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

An extremely detailed comic depicting a freshman (labeled "greedy freshmen") buying food while stating "yes, more food!" while a worker lebeled "overpaid worker" replies "of course! you're our FAVORITE class!". An emaciated individual in tattered clothes lies on the floor labeled "impoverished upperclassmen" is asking "won't somebody think of us?". A bald man labeled "Farnam" is taking a selfie while saying "this way, EVERYONE can take econ!"

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Genealogists have been left with more questions than answers

// Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

A Wikipedia-style donation banner, which descends into caffeine-withdrawal-fueled pleading.

Kevin Song • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Tales from Beyond Frick Park I: The Haunting of Gates-Hillman

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

No living creature can exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even lanternflies and cockroaches are supposed, by some, to dream. Gates Hillman, not sane, stood against the canyon, holding insanity within its glass-and-zinc ribcage; it had stood so for twenty years and might stand for twenty more, assuming FMS …

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

The Bill of Commandments

By Nott N. Annagramm • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Everyone can agree that America is currently in a time of crisis. People refuse to help their neighbors simply because they posted a questionable take on the town Facebook page. Political violence runs rampant — yesterday at the grocery store, a guy flicked off my “Don’t Tread On Me” …

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

Baba Yaga booth

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Readme Crime Report

By Abe James • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

README is an accurate source of information which prides itself on accuracy. Safety is very important to all the staff on README and we value the lives of all our readers. However, my boss also told me to write a crime report on only the not lame crimes this week, …

A Pokemon-style "Who's that buggy?" poster with an outline of a buggy.

Covellite Dove • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The New And Improved Readme Guide to Being a Landlord

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Congrats! You just picked up the keys to your second home. Time to turn this place into the ~~shittiest~~ slightly below average college house of some wannabe frat bro’s dreams. Here are readmE’s patented tips to get your place ready for some fresh faced college douchebags.

Tip 1: Your …

BREAKTHROUGH: Man Crushed by Falling Piano, Killed by Banana Peel

By Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

(CMU) - In 1945, one J. Robert Oppenheimer oversaw the first detonation of a nuclear weapon, and for decades thereafter the institution of physical sciences was seen for what it is: a dominant force of the universe surpassing human confines, and one of the great sciences, a real science, ethically …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Inventor Claims AI Powered Paperclip "DIFFERENT THAN CLIPPY"

By 3 Serif Fonts in a Trench Coat • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Up-and-coming Silicon Valley entrepreneur Blake Fence introduced his new product WOOORD (stylized all lowercase) at the famed annual SouthWestEast World Tech Conference on Tuesday. Fence presented his novel assistive technology to a room packed with world leaders and the biggest names in artificial intelligence, neural computation, and autonomous agents.

…

Tepper Unveils New Hell Campus

By Benner Rogers & Gavin Radford • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

“We fought hard to ensure our students a prime location. It’s like a stu-cation! Which is what we’re calling it when one of our students goes to Hell.”

- Dr. S. A. Tan, Office of Tepper Study Abroad Programs

Snowman animated by rogue BME students

By Alex Werth • Vol 2, Issue 8 • Dec. 11, 2024

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

A handwriting worksheet for the letter C, labeled "C is for Carnegie Mellon", bearing the official CMU stamp.

76-101 Assignment 1. Due Friday!

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Novel contraption from the Mechanical Engineering Department

By Dr. Et Al. & John Jahanian • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

In this study, we present a novel device capable of oscillating parameters altering the fabric of contingency, never before seen in literature. While similar contraptions have attempted to distinguish themselves in the field in such a way, none have succeeded, until now. A previous doohickey, developed by Et Al and …

Viva La Revolution

By Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 4 • Feb. 25, 2026

Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something” • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-separated divorcees • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Readme: 2.5 years of slur discourse with nothing to show for it • Banana shortage has monkeys going bananas • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Heroic free-speech advocates oppressed by socially ostracized and clearly neurodivergent nerds. • CMU student skips Halloween party by dressing as Godot. • Architectures, Civil Engineers meet to discuss making Carnegie Mellon infrastructure even more unfriendly • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Daylight savings time to start moving forward 1 hour and 10 every March to account for inflation • Christmas Wishes Granted: CEO Shot. • CMU students take Pitt finals: “It’s nice to be good at something”. • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children.