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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
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Readme: Sex Sells


What is Sex? An Investigative Account

In the modern day, it is difficult to partake in the “popular culture” or the “massive media” without encountering allusions to the “sex”. The “sexual object” is evidently a device of notable significance to the constitution of that which may be referred to. However, being a mysterious and obfuscated entity, …

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What happens if you stay up late in Gates 8?

I am a fan of Gates 8. It's high up with a gorgeous view of campus, but not too high. It's quiet, but just noisy enough that you know it's safe. Sometimes I hear a skittering I can't quite place. I study, I play games, sometimes I just read …

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My mommy says I can't go to war

My mommy said I can’t go to war.
My mommy said I can’t go to bootcamp.
My mommy said I can’t go to basic training.

My mommy said war is scary.
My mommy said I’m her precious little boy.
My mommy said I am going to get hurt in …

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A "DIY 2-player word search" on a 3x3 grid with words including XXX and OOO.

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

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So you want to TA a class

Like many CMU students, you may have seen the 15-112 TAs decked out in their bright blue hoodies, haunting Gates 5. While their swag is atrocious, their aura is undeniable. To obtain this aura, you need to become a TA.

Many students expect their TA duties to be relatively …

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I called Pitt Police to CMU

Next issue, Readme will put CMU PD’s skills to the test in a brave act of investigative journalism. But for this week, we’ve decided to set the bar by first seeing how the police department at the far larger University of Pittsburgh handles everything we have to throw at them. …

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Undergrad Senate Exposed for Really Craving Wingstop

PITTSBURGH, PA

(Whis L. Blower)

In a shocking turn of events this past Tuesday, the Undergraduate Student Senate, a committee of 38 seemingly famished individuals, has been secretly indulging themselves in oodles of the most mediocre fried chicken known to mankind. Now you, reader, might be asking, "Whoa …

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A coupon offering "1 Free Advice" from Grey's Wingman Service (circa 2022).

Top 10 Milkable things on campus

Thirsty? Good. You read the headline. You know what you’re here for.

Number 10: The Doherty-100 automatic water bottle filler. Mechanically speaking, positioning your receptacle under a dedicated drink-dispensing orifice qualifies as milking. Viscerally, it does not quite scratch the milking itch – but it is a worthy introduction …

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CMU Announces New Tradition - Inverse Bungee Jumping

diagram of inverse bungee jumping As we all know, CMU has a long history of inventing new traditions, setting itself apart from all other universities in the observable universe. From buggy racing, to releasing starving Scottish Terriers after hiding students covered in peanut butter, to painting the fence, the Harvard of Appalachia has a wealth …

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An illustration of a phillips-head screw driving a car.

Update to "Ain't gunna work on Saturday"

All week I worked at carnival building my booth
Stayed up till 5am, shaving years off my youth.
Come Friday morning it was time to connect the final piece
But then it was almost shabbos, so I had to cease.
When people started walking in the whole booth collapsed,
The …

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A poll of students labeled "why were you at a CMU football game?" [pie chart with the following data: "thought it was a 112 recitation" is 35.5%, "I heard chicks dig sports guys" is 4.8%, "lost" is 16.1%, "if a ball hits me I get an excused absence" is 16.1%, and "my friend is in Kiltie and begged me for two hours" is 27.4%]

Do you want to hear a joke?

Hey hey, I got a joke for you, right? You’re like, reading this magazine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, the Reader, whatever. This one’s like traveling, right? Like abroad? So, you know how you’re, like, traveling? Like, tr-traveling? Haha! You know, hehe, like, there’s, you know, wo- wo- [chuckling] there’s …

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I wrote this article while drunk

It’s 2:17 AM. I’ve stumbled my way back to my dorm from some other person’s dorm. Don’t worry, their neighbors didn’t complain. Or, at least, we couldn’t hear any complaints. There’s vomit in the trash can and trash on the floor. The trash can is also on the floor. My …

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The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding

As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office …

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Readme Through The Ages

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"READ ME presents: Tear-Off Universal Final Cheat Sheets™ (Patent Pending) © ®" [a rectangle with 16 pages of illegibly dense text, surrounded by dashed tear lines]
Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • American Study-­Abroad Program expands school shootings worldwide. • Person who said "Wow, that was easy" after exam stoned to death • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • CMU Qatar Campus sees record low numbers of students celebrating July 4th. • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • “Surely the balloon animal guy will fix this schools mental health problems” says CMU admin for the fifth time this semester. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Gallo determined responsible for mudslide in rock climbing gym. • CMU rules military service ineligible for Experiential Learning. • What was Copernicus' problem? Well, that man was a Pisces. • What you need to know about the upcoming resting bitch face competition • The nutritional benefits of eating this newspaper • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • My dad got both anthrax and smallpox shots, and they didn't even protect him from the IED