Paid for by: Carlos's Print Quota(cuz Student Senate is a buncha nerds)

Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Goes to Carnival

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

PLEASE please please PLEASE pelase PLEAES plEASE please PLEaes please pleaseee please please epleae please PLEAse plaeaese please PLAEEEEEEEE please please please please PLAEse PELASE PLEASEPLEASE PLEASPESEpelaseplease please please please please please please pleas EPLAS PLEASE pleas epleas peas peas pleas please pleEASED PLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEEASPEPLEASEPRLEASE

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Please

By README • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

www.cmureadme.com/donate

Evil Careers for those in the Arts (Oh, and the Humanities)

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

Every freshman comes to CMU with the same dream. They may have different passions, but when they stand up at convocation, each one has the same thought in their mind: my very own Faustian contract is just around the corner. Unfortunately, achieving this dream is easier for some than it …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Jonathan • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

By WP • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

CS Students to be Decimated, Roman Legion-style

By Phong • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

Early this week, SCS students would have been informed via email that a tenth of the SCS student are to be culled, and the email would have included details on how which students are selected to be put to death. Any SCS students who have not seen such an email …

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

I Ate 100 Tic Tacs and now I’m Glowing

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

My day started off pretty normal. I went to the store and bought my groceries. At checkout a box of tic tacs tempted me. I purchased the box. I ate one tic tac. It was so yummy. I ate another tic tac it was yummier. 5 hours later and I …

Introducing Carnegie Mellon's newest advertising partner: Ribbed for your pleasure

// µllom • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

An As-Seen-On-TV-style advertisement for "Hidden Camera Hat," a secretive way to cheat on finals. It includes a picture of the product, which has a massive and absurdly obvious camera atop a baseball cap.

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

A booth which is standing on large chicken legs.

Baba Yaga booth

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

CMU excited to present the newly sponsored Pepsi-Pausch Bridge!

// Rock Buddy • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

An advertisement containing formal-looking serif text and an image of a Tartan reporter in a suit whose head has been digitally altered to appear smushed. It reads: "Are you a reader of the Tartan? No? We're not surprised! Read The Tartan if you hate: asking questions; independently verified claims; proofread work; anything other than interviews; proper kerning; ...AND MORE!" followed by a quote "After all, just because someone said it, doesn't mean it's true" (attributed to "that guy over there")

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

A hamburger bun in inverse grayscale with a superimposed question mark.

What is the False Burger? Readme investigates

// Gavin Radford • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

Snowstorm Hits Donner, Proclaimed "Still Livable"

By Max Lee • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

Larry: Good evening. We're coming to you live from the arctic tundra that was once the campus of Carnegie Mellon University, where the great Blizzard of '48 has crippled the nation and, more importantly, threequarters of a freshman dorm. I'm here with first-year student Kevin, who is currently enjoying his …

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Auntie Readme’s: Answering REAL Questions Asked By REAL Freshmen

By Cindy Gao & Dr. Et Al. • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Welcome, freshmen, to the most prestigious institution this side of the Monongahela River! (And this side of the Allegheny as well, and the other side of Forbes, and the other other side of Schenley, and, well, you get the point.) Some of you are probably (understandably!) nervous about going to …

"The reality of being a safety icon: documenting the lives of those who save ours. In theaters April 1st." [many illustrations of stickmen getting drunk, snorting substances, stumbling around, and so on]

Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Ethics final causes moderate ruckus

By Mihir Deshpande • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.

Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related …

CMU PhD Student Actually Born Yesterday

By Mar. K. O. • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

As college admissions become more and more competitive, so do the applications for graduate school. So competitive, in fact, that a newborn child was recently spotted being wheeled in a carriage over to their Advanced Statistical Theory II seminar.

Savants are nothing new at CMU, but one-day-old Weiss …

Cobalt-60 rods labeled "drop and run", with radiation artifacts on the image.

If Celsius doesn't work, maybe this can fix me.

// Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

Readme Through The Ages

By Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

A target labeled "use this square to swat bugs."

Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

They will greet us as sexual liberators

By Allyn (pronounced Allen) • Vol 5, Issue 5 • March 13, 2026

The saddest day of my life has been, without question, the death of Pitt's beloved former vice chancellor Dick Cheney. On the 4-month anniversary of this somber occasion, I'd like to republish the 2003 interview another of our staffwriters had with him, which represents the purest encapsulation of his fighting …

Gelt still more real than crypto • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • I met Santa Claus, she's black • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Readme and the Tartan officially break up "It’s not you, it’s me" • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Prosecutor agrees to downgrade Capital Grains to 1st Degree Grains • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • I'm not going to do it, but it would be SO easy to kill my roommate, several report. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Topologist reveals Ferris wheel to be dodecahedron all along. • Heart in Work now considered dangerous conditions, scientists aghast • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Readme and the Tartan officially break up "It’s not you, it’s me" • Strangely, CS student's grade performance lines up with Cursor billing cycle • CMU students need better fashion sense than red CMU hoodies Report • Greedy snake oil salesman refuses to make sale. • Hero cop reads corpse Miranda rights. • UN rejects Readme bit for diplomatic immunity. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • “I have no way of knowing”, says person who could very easily look it up