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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Derealizating

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

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One must imagine Sisyphus' Heart is in the work

The gods have commanded Carnegie Mellon students to ceaselessly start and submit assignments, only for more notifications to appear on Canvas at the end of the day. They found no crueller punishment for the students’ hubris than this dreadful, repetitive task. There are many varying accounts for why the students …

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An infographic about "the power of 'yet'", which includes the following statements: "I'm not depressed...yet!", "I'm not failing...yet!", "I'm not broke...yet!", "I'm not burned out...yet!", "I'm not forever alone...yet!", "I'm not a virgin...yet!", and "I'm not a cs major...yet!"

15-112 Declared War Crime by Hague, CS Academy Under Investigation

Joining catastrophes in Sudan, Uganda, and the Democratic Republic of Congo, the first 15-112 midterm has been declared a war crime by The Hague International Criminal Court.

A README reporter ventured into the wasteland that was DH 2210 last week, to document the disaster that experts are now calling …

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The original Star Wars movie poster with Luke and Leia's faces replaced with Farnam Jahanian's.
Four logos: "work" with the "o" replaced with a scotty dog, "pipe it up" with bagpipes, "hang in there" with an emoji-ified Farnam Jahanian, and a sketch of Wean labeled "concrete jungle where dreams are made of".

O-Week Crime Report

Hello freshmen, welcome to the best years of your life! And to everyone else, we are so glad you didn’t drop out or quit. While you all were busy, we at readme were also busy, sniffing out crime on campus. Really getting into the dirt for this one. Interested? Read …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze

It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.

We attempted to interview one student partaking in the …

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Argumentative Essay

In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to …

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Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

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I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

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README Found to be Plagiarizing the Tartan

Have you noticed an increase in the quality of README’s articles recently? That’s no accident. You might think it’s because our staff is getting more experienced at writing satire legitimate news, right? NO!

We in the editing staff felt a strange sense of familiarity while reading over our previous …

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Auntie ReadMe Advises On: Lack of Pronouns in the Barista Industry Due to Tech Layoffs

Hello valued readers! I’m Cindy, (they/them), better known as Auntie ReadMe. After opening my inbox to the questions that are stumping the best and brightest minds in the country, I have been continually disappointed against my lowest expectations, and not at all surprised. A completely unastonishing amount of you want …

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[TODO]

I used to hate French People

I used to hate French people. As a young denizen of the internet, I spent time in circles that enjoyed ragging on the country and its citizens, and those sentiments festered into my own twisted anger at people I’d never even met. I jeered in history classes, bullied internet strangers, …

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Hey Alums! Here's what's new on campus

Welcome back to campus, alumni! We hope that you have fun during carnival, and that the school brings back warm memories of your time here. CMU’s changed a lot since you’ve graduated, but don’t fear: readMe is here to get you up to speed.

Schatz has acquired its first …

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A photograph of a mysterious individual handing a large (11×17") piece of paper which says "DOG BREEDING LICENSE" in large bold font to an "unidentified, dashing Readme staffer" in front of the bronze Scotty dog sculpture outside the Cohon University Center. The unidentified staffer is indeed quite dashing. In the photo they're wearing a Bring Me The Horizon hoodie with a readme sticker.

Readme Gets Absurd

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(New) Intern's Report

We have intern, Ian “Meat” Turner, here by his own free will to write an article for us. Right, Meat? intern’s note- understood

strike Has rEadme in a chokehoLd. writers comPlain about lack of financial coMpEnsation.

iT appears tHat rEadme, the reallY cool newspaper, wHo hAVE becoMe loved …

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A Disease for Every Department

CFA
Architecture: Sick building syndrome
Art: Rabies Design: Mono ( type, lithic, tonous, nucleosis)
Drama: Hysterical pregnancy
Music: Tinnitus
CIT
BME: Plague
ChemE: Overdosing
CivE & EnvE: Tetanus
ECE: Herpes (both are 40% of the population)
EPP: No disease, just getting repeatedly run over by a car
MSE: …

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A crossword with some suspicious ingredients.
Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Linguists invent new slur for couples • Rabbi hot?! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual' • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • My strong opinions on the Middle East - an essay. • Enemy surrenders; no match for roboclub killing machines. • This Article Replaces Your Bioraft Training • Linguists invent new slur for couples. • Rabbi hot?! • Andrew Melons? New proof reveals that Andrew Mellon secretly had big naturals • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Local chapter of the KKK disappointed to see that the sun is black following total eclipse • President's Advisory Board on Student Well-Being, Mental Health, and the Academic Experience releases first report: "It's bad." • New show “Nothing in this room is cake please stop cutting my stuff in half” is a Netflix sensation • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • November 4th is coming up and it's giving me an election. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Victorian Child unimpressed by current labor standards, "You can't do anything these days!" • Feeding students Tartan Express tenders considered 'cruel and unusual'. • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • SLICE defends university­-sanctioned orgies • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • I have an opinion on Israel Palestine and you can too! • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • How to make sure the divorce is YOUR fault, a guide for teens • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Pope endorses climbing Hamerschlag as only "holy" contraception: "your gametes will be smote by the power of God. • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • You won't remember anything from Carnival anyway, and other reasons why you should text that girl • Hallmark Movie Cityboy Exes Support Group opens doors • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War.