Readme Wins Gold

Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Naughty List leaked • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030 • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars • Bechdel Test added to autograder • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028 • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Carnival will be a nice time to decompress, says student planning on staying up for 72 straight hours to build a two story house • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • Naughty List leaked. • Top scientists suggest ReadMe will generate an original joke by 2030. • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Carnival rides now include the Throngler, the Impaly­Stabber, and the Twist. • We lowballed our CMU tuition on Facebook Marketplace • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • Campus activist group disappointed after navigating bureaucratic hurdles to register protest only for less than 25 people to show up. • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Worst kid in your Hebrew class insists on making Purim play a musical • How to Increase your home's retail value by NOT murdering people in it. • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • CMU students shocked to discover relationships exist outside of movies. • i have two calculators in my backpack and im ashamed. • Supreme Court overturns Naughty List affirmative action. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • "What do you mean they don't know the difference between wet layup and prepreg?" CMU students shocked by lackluster carbon fiber fabrication knowledge of average person. • CMU partners with CMR to release 60mph mobility scooter. • README's Scottish Terrier Passes Away • Homeless Ph.D. student holds fence for record 5 years, fails quals • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Carnegie Mellon unveils plans to make second, shittier donner • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Deer given proper therapy and antidepressants significantly less likely to freeze in front of cars. • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • Post-­Gazette editorial board devastated to discover Hitler not endorseable candidate for 2028.