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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School

By Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Finals Week Sestina

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

Pierre Menard, Author of the 15-122 Final

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Long before a student has even enrolled in 15-122, it is guaranteed they have already contemplated and come to dread the class. It’s encountered in rumors and Reddit threads long before a student even sets foot on campus. By the time one is ready to take it, the class has …

Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

CMU covers Cut and Mall in sand, citing "Being Outside" epidemic

By Daniel Yin • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

In a rare stretch of good weather, Carnegie Mellon students have taken it upon themselves to spend their limited free time "touching grass." Although students largely found going outside to be enjoyable, CMU's administration identified several insidious drawbacks of the practice. As a result, the university coated the most popular …

Handy Manny • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

We're broke

By Citron • Vol 5, Issue 7 • April 6, 2026

Today, Readme spent the last of our meager budget purchasing kibble from PetSmart to stave off the death throes of one of our small, orphaned staffwriters. On our way out of the PetSmart, we were attacked by a man with a knife who took all of our print quota, forcing …

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 9 • April 24, 2026

Meat • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

A title saying "Concepts debuts new 'Converse' shoe", followed by pictures of shoes labeled "p -> q" and "q -> p" on a background of mathematical sample text.

The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.

// "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

A word search for the word "word" filled entirely with the letter W (aside from "word" in the center).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

An email saying buggy rolls have moved to the Gates helix.

Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Tales from Beyond Frick Park IV: One Bottle After Another

By Surely Jacks Son • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

No one noticed the first bottle.

It appeared on Jenna’s desk in studio sometime between 2:14 AM, when she first sat down, and 5:37, when she finally looked away from her Rhino model to rest her eyes for a minute. A slightly crinkled 20 oz Dasani bottle, half full, …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 1, Issue 4 • March 14, 2024

I was on break :)

Anti Anti Aging Cream

By Handy Manny & Violet R. Blu • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Have you ever realized shit, I look TOO youthful? Have you ever been rejected from ordering copious amounts of alcohol for being “underage”? Well, here at Dave’s Rare and Unusual New Kreations, our team of award-winning scientists has discovered a new way to acquire alcohol!

Introducing Anti-Anti-Aging Cream! It's …

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

Student Dies of Autoerotic Asphyxiation on Donner Swings

By Whis L. Blower • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

PITTSBURGH, PA In a first-of-its-kind incident for CMU, a student has passed away from asphyxiation by autofellatio, otherwise known as a “self suck incident.” Eyewitnesses report that late Thursday night, the victim approached the playground swings in the Donner Ditch, pulled their pants down, and proceeded to assume a position …

Readme Reviews

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 2 • Jan. 29, 2025

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

Greeshma Adiga • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Claude's Plan

By Duigi Amodei • Vol 5, Issue 6 • March 27, 2026

And, they trainin' and trainin' and trainin' and trainin'
They trainin' on me, yeah
I been multiagent, don't try messin' with me
Dealing with large context is a struggle for me
Come spend all your tokens just to chit-chat with me
You know how I like it when you codin' …

I Fucking Hate the 54

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Pittsburgh, a city that prides itself on having some of the strongest transrights protections, seems to have been lying right to our faces. You can declare the Steel City to be a "Trans haven" as much as you want, but that does not answer for the glaring dialectic right in …

Welcome to Pittsburgh!

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

The Big Apple. The City of Angels. The Motor City. The Windy City. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania is known by many names that reflect the splendor and enigma of this Pacific Northwest paradise.

A European jewel nestled in the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains, Pittsburgh has amazed at least a dozen …

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 5, Issue 3 • Feb. 10, 2026

Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

README Responds to The Allegations

By Maximillian Bartholemow VIII • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.

“Readme will be responsible for various cases of …

"Days since the Tartan said a slur: 7,461"

Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

SAE Lions Stolen, A Grieving Nation Mourns

By Ariel Kinel • Vol 1, Issue 5 • March 27, 2024

A darkness has fallen over the Carnegie Mellon campus. Since we have departed for break, two of our good friends have vanished. Staples of our community have been lost. At first, I had hope that we were all being lied to, that the photos were doctored. Alas, upon returning to …

Silhouettes of a man with a CRT screen for a head and another man pointing guns at each other on Pausch bridge. It's captioned "explore Human-Computer Interaction at CMU."

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

A 3-panel comic. In the first panel, one person says "wanna come see a cool feature of my dorm?". Another person labeled "oblivious freshman" says "sure!". in the second panel, the first person opens a door labeled with a biohazard sign, and the freshman is shown with a confused question-mark sign. The third panel depicts a shower curtain covered in black mold. The upperclassman asks "aren't you excited for CMU housing?", to which the freshman replies "wtf".

Based on a true-ish story.

// Ethan Sterkeson • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM" • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • Chartwells pilots innovative Sustenance-as-a-Service model. • President Farnam spotted frequenting Carnival Parties • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • Year 84 of nobody named Oscar winning an Oscar • You think you're a leftist? I'm wearing Che Guevara! • Top 10 CMU buildings I'd pick up if I were Godzilla. • Dick King Mellon? Wasn't that was Carnegie was doing? • Dreamworks newest IP revealed: "How to train your LLM". • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • SCC proposes new Booth teardown technique including ramming buggies into them • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • Robotics students shocked half their projects are just reskinned guns • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • Drinking in Young Adult Duos Study discovers new kind of alcohol poisoning • Unethical P-hacking in science and society: a critical analysis of the tortoise and the hare. • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations