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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Gets Absurd

By Air Conditioner • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Derealizating

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Sometimes you don’t feel like a person. Sometimes you feel like you’re asleep and the people around you are guests on a podcast you forgot to turn off. There are a lot of words for this feeling, and most of them are long words starting with D: dissociation, disassociation, depersonalization, …

Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

By Jupiter • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

An advertisement showing a picture of a young girl dressed as a witch next to a lawyer. It reads: "Have You or a Loved One Been Victimized By Delinquent Candy Thieves? Call CMU Legal to Lock Them Up!"

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Isabelle Florence • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Interview Transcript, 76-101, Section DD

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

Q: Let’s start with some basic information. What is your college and major, and what classes are you taking this semester?

A: Thank you so much for asking this thought provoking question. It is really about the essence of the material if you think about it. Now for me, …

I'm a Straight White Male: Here's why SCS's Gender Imbalance is Concerning

By Bertie Wooster • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The only thing starker than my grades is the SCS gender imbalance. Though I am a straight, white male, I feel it is my duty to speak up about this issue. It’s a problem that keeps me up at night, long after I’m finished with my evening meditation and journaling …

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

By Raytheon Blues • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

Some Popular Books

By "Save-a-tree" Bhat • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.

This …

Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

By Tali Kirschenbaum • Vol 2, Issue 5 • Nov. 6, 2024

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

I Hate Baker-Porter

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Baker-Porter Hall is the most evil building on all of CMU’s campus. Its construction is proof of hell's existence. In order to graduate from the architecture program you have to successfully map Baker-Porter, no one’s done it yet.

Baker-Porter cannot decide if it wants to be Baker or Porter. …

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

By Citron • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

Carnival makes Pitt rethink CMU: 'Even lamer than we thought'

By Jimothy Yachtsson • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

Students visiting Carnival from the University of Pittsburgh report their impressions of Carnegie Mellon have fallen, and not risen. Instead of finding CMU cool for the first time ever, students say they are disappointed by the “degree of nerdiness” and hard work that goes into Carnival.

Students at the …

Fact Checking The Gettysburg Address

By John Wilkes Booth • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the election season reaching its apex, I have found it necessary to untangle some of the webs of misinformation that have been weaved through underhanded political campaigns. At the forefront of this country's greatest deception is none other than the highly esteemed so-called “honest” Abe.

That’s right! If …

A diagram of a cruise ship cabin with 16 silhoettes of people packed in in various uncomfortable configurations.

Optimal cruise ship packing found.

// Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

"Have you seen this dog? Now you have! You're welcome :)" [picture of a dog]

Benner Rogers & George Michael • Vol 2, Issue 0 • Aug. 21, 2024

Man named Enu goes into hiding after Passover seder

By Enu [redacted] • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Although it's been nearly a year since that Seder, I am still in fear for my life. The incident started as a simple invitation. Several of my jewish friends invited me to a Passover seder. “You get four glasses of wine,” they said. “It’s like Thanksgiving with three hours of …

A Letter from the Editor

By Eshaan Joshi • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

It's hard maintaining the standard of excellence this fine university has been known for in every single one of our publications, which is why readme has completely and utterly given up. In here you can find a record of every misdeed, mistake, evil plot, plan, and lie we have spread …

Back to School at CMU

By Benner Rogers • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

It’s once again that time of the year for students to prepare to return to Pittsburgh for another semester at dear ol’ Carnegie Tech. And what better way is there to kick off the new year than with a trip to the bookstore for some back to school supplies? …

SDC BUGGY NOTICE BOARD Freshmen Job Openings

By Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

SDC BUGGY Inexperienced working freshmen wanted! Inquire with us for:

STRONG SECURITY NEEDED for intellectual property protection on rolls, race mornings. Must be steadfast, relatively uncurious, good with cold. PAY MARGINAL, EXPERIENCE INVALUABLE. For full particulars see [Redacted], arrive with jacket.

TONGUE-TIED? APPLY NOW in official Deer In …

A Psychosocial Approach to Game-Theoretic Analysis of Rock Paper Scissors

By Dr. Et Al. & Emily Jiang • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

1. Introduction

Rock paper scissors, also known as scissors paper rock, and rarely ever referred to as paper rock scissors, is a game typically played between two people, where one match of rock paper scissors (RPS) consists of both players throwing out a hand gesture at the same time after …

Auntie readme's Advice

By Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’, Author Who Asked To Be Credited Only As ‘He Who Shall Not Be Named’ II, Cindy Gao • Vol 1, Issue 3 • Feb. 28, 2024

After having been summarily shot for giving advice purely off of the terminally online references in my head, and having been resurrected by a joint effort of ReadMe staff and the biochemical engineering majors due to staff shortages, I am now fully embracing the magic of science and consulting with …

Boeing attempted to bribe us $200,000 to not publish this article

By README • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.

Your class is infamous …

Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

By README • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

readMe Assures Public: "Writers Are Irreplaceable; AI Would Never Take Over!"

By Chatman GuPerT • Vol 2, Issue 2 • Sept. 18, 2024

In an effort to address growing concerns over the role of artificial intelligence in journalism, readMe—a publication known for its groundbreaking reporting—has issued a heartfelt statement, firmly asserting its commitment to human writers. This comes amid speculation that the company's recent deployment of AI tools is not, I repeat, not …

Readme Takes A Sick Day

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

A fun spin on a popular childhood game

By John Jahanian • Vol 2, Issue 1 • Sept. 4, 2024

Tag is a certified childhood classic, and everyone knows the rules. However, I have personally found that if you play it enough times, tag quickly becomes boring. Nevertheless, as a center of innovation, mastermind engineers in the halls of the Princeton of the Alleghenies have devised an updated version of …

SCC To Begin Enforcing Hays Code on Midway

By Benner Rogers • Vol 2, Issue 6 • Nov. 20, 2024

As booth organizations begin to design their booths for the 2025 Spring Carnival, Spring Carnival Committee has announced a controversial new slate of regulations for the upcoming semester. In a press release emailed out to all booth chairs SCC required all booth designs to comply with Hollywood’s 1934 Hays Code. …

Wean is Shabbat Friendly?

By John Jahanian • Vol 3, Issue 5 • March 14, 2025

On Shabbat, Jews are not to parttake in physical activity, work, or use contraptions that use electricity voluntarily – which means one cannot press the buttons of an elevator. Many institutions use what are known as “shabbat elevators”, which are elevators that stop and open at every floor, such that …

Vote Wean Hall!

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

An honest review of this horrid, cursed magazine

By Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 3, Issue 6 • March 26, 2025

Somehow I have found myself as an editor for Readme. You start leaving a few grammar suggestions in peoples Google Docs and all the sudden they make you an editor. Being an editor for the premier comedy, satire, and news publication sounds glamorous, but in reality it is a hell …

Bechdel Test added to autograder • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Gelt still more real than crypto • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Anatomy class adds study inside component • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • I met Santa Claus, she's black • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • Bechdel Test added to autograder. • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • NO EXCEPTIONS. CMU to enforce dismount zones for students in wheelchairs. • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • Chemistry majors disappointed to learn their degree does not come with a "license to kill" • Anatomy class adds study inside component. • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • CMU students surprised to find out nobody cares how little they slept • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • Carnegie Mellon color no longer the concept of plaid • Intro to Religion Course Deadline Drops; Whole Class Converts to Judiasm. • President Jahanian renames Office of Community Responsibility to Department of War. • SLICE defends university-sanctioned orgies • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • In devastating blow to CMU culture, freshmen are allowed to talk to upperclassmen • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • Drama students inspired by exaddict Robert Downey Jr. winning Oscar • DeviantArt, Conservapedia, and Other Websites We Don't Know Why We're Tagged In • Reindeer waste on Epstein Island raises concerns. • REPORT: Carnegie Mellon students so afraid of the sun they only go outside during eclipse • It's a Christmas Miracle! Readme disbanded. • CMU linguistics department finishes 70 year project to translate ancient Egyptian porno • Future generation invents pants that are baggy in six new dimensions • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Student discovers 09207 TECH QUANT ANAL not quite what they expected. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • USNews names CMU number 1 school named after Andrew Carnegie and Andrew Mellon for the 125th year in a row • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Why you should propose to that girl you just met: A dating guide for first-week students • "My Cute Next-Door Neighbor Believes in WHAT?": Quirky new meet-cute sitcom coming this summer. • NEW RECORD: 3 CMU students manage to have sex over Carnival, allegedly with other humans • Kilties go on strike, now only wear normal hats • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good)