Readme Gets Absurd

If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is • Victim Escapes Samsara • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Megachurch forms PokéStop • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2 • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident • Gelt still more real than crypto • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Rabbi hot?! • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • ReadMe bigger than Beatles, says Jesus. • My strong opinions on the Syrian Revolution an essay. • New fraternity party house indistinguishable from background to ISIS execution video • Alumni donations hitting record high, so please stop donating: CMU Finance reports • Academic Office allows you to superscore GPA and BAC during Carnival only • SDC buggy design leaked on War Thunder forum. • Buggy steroid use on raceday: an investigation • Club snipes channels are starting to become real passive aggressive. • Santa is proud of you, even if no one else is. • Victim Escapes Samsara. • Nets placed under Pausch Bridge to remind CMU students that suicide is always an option • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Megachurch forms PokéStop • There is nothing funny about erectile dysfunction • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Incoming SCS welcome packet now includes map of showers on campus • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • Dealing with your CMU-bound teen: "Sorry about your MIT rejection" and other key phrases. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Several students observed staring transfixed at Pausch Bridge's RGB lighting: "If not gaming, why gaming colored?" • Dog doesn't solve relationship, couple moves on to children. • Mudge Koi Fish never returned new sushi place set to open on Morewood Ave • Santa takes unannounced detour, US goes to DEFCON 2. • Due to overenrollment, CMU to add 4 AM exam slots • CPS intervenes after a drunken Big Pharma beats Little Pharma • Having a single thought about 15­-122 now considered an AIV • Student Senate Elections Board excited to see more students than ever interesting in voting them out • Wave of Freshmen crashes LinkedIn in incident compared to Republican National Convention Grindr incident. • Gelt still more real than crypto. • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • CMU students sign up for isolation experiments to find quiet study spots • Rabbi hot?! • My Military Industrial Complex could totally blow up your Military Industrial Complex • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Artificial Intelligence trained by CMU students gains sentience, immediately kills itself