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KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Gets Absurd


Am I the bazonkle?

Yesterday, I was taking the Zoop line back to my shelter pod after returning from a short half system-cycle trip to the flubble swamp. Now if you don't know anything about the flubble swamp, it's the peak of relaxation. There is no greater feeling in the multiverse than letting its …

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Last Rites: The Final Words of a Student Trapped in Gates

ReadMe’s most dedicated journalists have recently discovered a letter at the bottom of a Rohr Cafe – La Prima coffee cup, believed to be written by a student who never made it out of the Gates and Hillman centers. Out of respect for this fallen student, we have decided to …

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Readme Reviews

Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.

50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when …

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An unsolvable word search with words like "obvious" and "skillissue."
An image of water balloons flying toward Hunt Library, superimposed with letters spelling "WE GAZORCH...and so can you."

CMU students begin enlisting to improve internship odds

The recent influx of pasty-faced, weak-kneed 18-21 year olds to military recruitment booths has puzzled many. But it seems the phenomenon has a simple explanation: resume building.

“Well, I got rejected from probably three hundred companies,” said one ChemE major we found doing pushups. “Lockheed Martin, Boeing, RTX, Northrop …

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Degree of CMU alum posthumously revoked after 15-122 whiteboard found in steam tunnels

Last Thursday, a trio of students attempting to raid the famed steam tunnels under Margaret Morrison Hall for treasure were caught by CMU police. While their possessions were being confiscated, however, CMUPD came across a far more disturbing secret. Dusting off the asbestos powder covering its surface, police officers were …

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A Letter From The Editor

Well, It's been a couple weeks of the semester and it seems like the seasonal depression has finally kicked in for the freshmen. And by seasonal depression, I mean that they're depressed no matter what the season is. The energy and mirth of youth is over, and now there is …

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Recruiting poster with an Uncle Sam with Farnam Jahanian's face. It says "I want YOU for README. Nearest recruiting station: [outdated pitch meeting location]. By: the CMU KGB"

How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home

With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a …

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A screenshot of a Gmail inbox with 8 form submission receipts with the subject "cmu missed connections <3", with times between 3 and 4 AM.
A photograph of a prisoner in an orange jumpsuit, with a cartoonish cat face edited over his head.

Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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Love Letters To README

Dear Beloved Reader, Periodically I find myself thinking of you. My horoscopes tell me our stars align. ~ Yours truly, Readme

Dearest Readme, Today I was particularly drawn to your comics section. I have to say, you’re my type(face). ~ Eternally yours, Reader

My Darling Reader, No pressure …

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Cruella De Vil walking through an ornate door with a large grin. She's holding a cloth bag in front of her, about as tall as she is, which is dripping through at the bottom.
An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

My Whirlwind Romance with the Lawnmower Bot

Dear Reader,

I’m back at Carnegie Mellon for grad school, and I have quickly noticed a new hot body roaming the Cut.

I’m sure you’ve noticed them. Sleek, shiny, not afraid of getting their hands dirty, always dressing in a provocative red. From the moment I saw them, …

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Carnegie Mellon Secedes!

A map of the borders of the newly-seceded Carnegie-Mellon Republic In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.

The sovereign state …

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A bar graph showing the following data: 3 responses for the Tartan, 8 responses for readme, and 16 responses for "stop talking to me."

Interwar Update

Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing …

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Vote Wean Hall!

With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, …

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An ad for "rent-a-mom", which offers "styles" including "helicopter mom", "soccer mom", and "millennial mom". A disclaimer states "each sold separately. family therapy is at no additional charge."

Readme Election Corner (2024)

Carnegie Mellon University, Pittsburgh, PA - Tempers ran high at Monday’s Readme Pitch meeting as the topic of the November 5th, 2024 North Dakota gubernatorial election was brought up once again. Chairs were thrown, walls were punched, and several friendships ended in emotionally devastating ways after the names of past …

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A word search which repeatedly tells the reader to take a deep breath and start breathing manually.
Gelt still more real than crypto • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt • Lube offered for Wean holes • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979 • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions • Gelt still more real than crypto. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Is that Nazi salute or is Elon Musk just happy to see me? • What linear algebra can teach you about your parent’s sex lives. • Construction of Roko's Basilisk Pegged to Begin 2026, Per OpenAI, Meta. • Garden tour: the fridge you haven't cleaned out since winter break • OPINION: First, it was a Masters. Now, you need a Ph.D. before they let you fuck the computers. • CMU air has "just the right amount" of Radon, administration pinky promises. • README Purchases Scottish Terrier Mascot. • Local hero: student finally folds laundry that has been marniating in the bin for the last week • “I'm such a freak. If anyone saw my search history I’d be on a watchlist,” says man who just looks up vanilla porn. • Admin continues to insist that you can't spell anything else with the letters C, M, and U. • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • “I’ve been conducting for 17 years straight now,” says former Eurhythmics student. “I’ve seen God, and she breathes at 62 bpm” • Amid mental health crisis, Google image searches for “scary werewolf” outnumber searches for “silly dog” • Yet another Tepper startup discovered to be overly complex Ponzi Scheme • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • This dumbass thinks he can repay all of our sin debt. • Lube offered for Wean holes. • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel­-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • In huge improvement, only three people have gotten food poisoning by CMU dining today! • Congress deems every white male citizen over the age of 80 honorary senator • Wiegand devoid of O-week food after USAID shuttered. • Computer Science Department in trouble as rubber ducks go on strike • 98­304 "How to get through red tape" StuCo finally confirmed after years long bureaucratic battle with CMU • CMU student lives in a barrel, claims it's better than first year housing • "Sorry guys, I'm actually dead this time." Elvis, 1979. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • CMU's Drug Problem: Where are all the drugs? • "I hate campus dining" says student eating third Hunan meal of day • Parents devastated after conversion therapy causes teen to lose interest in computer science. • CS Senior devastated that he must complete Masters to finally fuck computer • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • If you don't read this magazine, we'll shoot this Scotty Dog. • Classic 90s songs we've all forgotten: 1. I Just Got An Abortion (And It Felt So Good) • I met Santa Claus, she's black. • 3D Printer Crushed by Anvil, Now Regular Printer • It's not blood libel, it's just a better skin care routine. • Broadway to begin recruiting directly from Greek Sing auditions