Paid for by: Andrew Carnegie himself. We think.
KGB Presents: readme
Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi
All the news unfit to print!
Pitch meetings Sat 5:00 pm, DH-1211

Readme Summer School


My Relationship with the Ready 2 Ride Mobile App

Yeah, I know she’s unpopular.

I know you want your analog methods back. This is like the NYC Metro card all over for you, huh? Well, I don’t care. I’m in love, and I’m proud of it.

Me and the Ready 2 Ride Mobile app met on the …

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Finals Week Sestina

As I enter the cold concrete cervix of Wean,
the gold plaque of Raymond smells my fear.
I order a coffee that’ll make me shit
out all my self loathing and lack of sleep.
I don’t think I’ve retained a thing from this class.
It might be worth risking the …

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Upperclassmen Found Dead from Common Cold, Unaware of UHS Move

If you’ve read any of the emails CMU has sent this semester, you would know that University Health Services has moved from the first floor of Morewood E-Tower to the third floor of the brand new Highmark Center for Health, Wellness, and Athletics, home of Community Health & Well-Being and …

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Updates from Physics

An announcement sent out earlier this week to Carnegie Mellon University students has created widespread controversy and discourse. The email, as seen below, disclosed an important warning for all students to avoid the Gates Hillman Centre on 11/25/24.

Many on campus are worried about the potential implications of …

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A Grad Student's Guide to Carnival

Me and the freshman from the other page have one thing in common: we have never been to Spring Carnival. If you’re a first year Master's student, you need to lock in, because there’s a good chance your program (which also has a 1 in 5 chance of having the …

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Coming soon...[readme logo with "uncensored" stamp] Sex! Drugs! Unedited fanfics! Be on the lookout for "readme, UNCENSORED"!
A DIY green card, with blanks to fill in.

Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!

EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and …

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Post-Gazette shareholders introduce "flipped newspaper"

Underlying the closure of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is a deeper issue than the strike itself: news just isn't profitable anymore. It's a fundamental problem with the whole industry, one gnawing away at the foundations of the most credible institutions of yesteryear. With the rise of digital platforms that put the …

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An air-to-air missile with wheels and a buggy-style push bar. It's captioned "new Lockheed Martin sponsored buggy, coming soon to a civilian town near you."

readme booth to bring back factory towns

Visit the Readme booth during Carnival! Or if you missed Carnival, what’s wrong with you? Absolute buffoon. Were you even looking? We are located somewhere between where CS kids go to die and Dietrich students go to thrive off of adult validation. It’ll be like a fun challenge for everyone …

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Evolution of Hetero Sapiens

Up until the 1960s, the student body of Carnegie Mellon University consisted solely of gay men. Passionate academic rivalries and long nights in the lab together fostered a thriving homosexual population at CMU. De Fer ran out of iced coffee by 8:03 every morning, and the CMU Philharmonic played nothing …

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With child labor laws repealed, CMU Daycare begins buggy training

In the landmark Supreme Court case Buggy v. United States, child labor laws have successfully been repealed to allow the use of children for buggy drivers. CMU has already begun transforming its daycare center in Margaret Morrison into a state-of-the-art buggy training facility. Children as young as two will begin …

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Snowman animated by rogue BME students

At 3 am on Wednesday, 12/05, a team of exhausted BME student researchers made a major leap in genetic engineering, by successfully animating a snowman. The snow creature – humanoid with rounded limbs, standing around four feet tall – is powered by the highly bioengineered carrot forming its ‘nose’. The …

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A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION

Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. …

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Easy Alternatives To Fixing Your Heater!

With the current weather conditions, it is important that everyone stays safe, and more importantly warm. However, when the heater has to be fixed seven times in one month– and still isn’t working– it might be time to look for alternatives. Heaters can be a bit out of the price …

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A College Student's Guide to saving money

As I wrap up my first semester of college, I have begun to reflect on all of the new experiences and people I have met. One of these is “poor people”. College has exposed me to a breadth of new experiences and I have realized some people are in the …

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5-Hour Transgender

From the brand that brought you the iconic energy shot, our labs have produced something entirely new: the pocket-size bottle that changes your gender, 5-Hour Transgender. Say goodbye to those long, tiring study sessions where daydreaming about having boobs distracts you from your calculus. Kiss goodbye to those groggy …

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Glossary of Jewish Terms for the uneducated reader

Afikoman: Christians celebrating Easter wish they could be us. Oh you search for colorful eggs? Try a part of a large cracker. Your seven year old cousin will become a feral Sherlock Holmes and it will become everyone's problem.

Bar/Bat mitzvah: The service in which a 13 year old …

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An advertisement consisting of text superimposed on an image of Walking to the Sky taken from behind the statue of a child who looks upward. it states: "Now hiring! New vacancy open at Walking to the Sky! Call (412) 268-2323 to apply today! (*Rest in peace, cmudaddythicc)"

I wrote this article while sober

We the twenty two ago, in order to psshhh. I just think that we’d be good together, ya know. Like like as friends. It's fine I gotta catch the bus. The bus! I’m gonna walk walk away. Ring around the rosy. Cool. Cool. It’s fine. I’m just gonna lie down. …

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An ad for a "march against leap year," beginning on March 1st ("no, the REAL March 1st").
Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Remember to tip your TAs! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing • Meta-­analysis of several studies conclude that Gen Alpha sucks at drinking. • readme too single to have Valentine's Day Edition • Novel studies demonstrate that drinking water and eating food are good for you, pulling all nighters and shotgunning Celsius are bad. • CMU student signs up for Qatar course by mistake, forced to commute 14,000 miles/day • Subway unveils new protein option for sandwiches named "liquefied vagrants" • 10 ways to avoid getting embroiled in a pedophillia scandal, #6 will shock you! • The existential horror of nap time: A retrospective • Reviewing Cathleen, Adam, their real estate business, their “bless this mess” wooden sign, and their three sons Craig, Creg, and Craigë. • "If Mozart and Chopin can drop new shit in 2024 so can My Chemical Romance", claim increasingly irate emo fans • Wild Blue opens as gas station food for buggy repair depot. • School of Drama declares succession from Carnegie Mellon, relocating to a place with "fewer nerds" • Is your polycule centralized, or peer-to-peer? Find out now! • Remember to tip your TAs! • Administration to build new Student Academic Failure Center just for you. • Internship interviews now include mandatory duel to the death • ReadMe so funny that they invented CMU to house it. • Ambitious professor covers 437 slides in a single lecture. • Loving Couple LARP as bitter, nearly-­separated divorcees • Scotty Survivor participants go full Lord of the Flies. Show banned in three states and also Khazakhstan • CMU endorses homelessness as a viable solution to rising competition in on-campus housing