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Editor-in-Chief: Eshaan Joshi

All the news unfit to print!

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Readme Wins Gold

By Air Conditioner • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

The first couple weeks of classes have finished, and rumors have begun to spread. Some complain about classes due to the volume of homework, the high weight of the exams, or the fast speed of the class. One professor, however, takes the cake for the worst rumors spread, and none …

First ever PI-Parent conferences

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Carnegie Mellon University held the world’s first ever PI – Parent conference this week, allowing principal investigators to meet one-on-one with parents of graduate students to discuss research progress, work habits, lab space conduct, social development, as well as home environment.

University officials said the initiative was introduced in …

For all the people who decided to change their gender over break, here's a handy dandy spinner to pick a new name!

// Alex Werth • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

CMU Professor "Math Rizzler" Confuses Everyone with Gen Z Language

By Degai Hupharts • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Some wonder if this might be too much for one student. Others look for a class to fill in that pesky Friday lunch break

// Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Team USA Ready for World's First Olympics

By Vincent • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

In her recent press conference, the president of the International Olympic Committee, Kirsty Coventry, announced that the IOC is going to embrace scientific accomplishment by adding a performance drug innovation challenge to the programme for Milano Cortina 2026.

“For decades, the IOC has waged an increasingly costly war on …

House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

How to tell if your classmates peaked in college

By Samson Rozansky • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

As CMU alumni return to their alma mater for the carnival season, one question is at the top of their minds as they see their former classmates: “Did they peak in university?”

To help out our fellow Tartans, we have created this guide on how to identify people who …

A photo taken with a smartphone camera at night of one of the sculptures of a person at the base of walking to the sky, with harsh front-camera selfie lighting. A Snapchat-style text overlay reads: "Nooo don't walk to the sky, your [sic] so sexy ahaha"

Local Duck • Vol 4, Issue 3 • Sept. 26, 2025

Readme Throws A Carnival

By Maere Lynn • Vol 3, Issue 7 • April 2, 2025

A sketch of a bed with a crumpled-up issue of readme and a crumpled-up issue of the Tartan. The readme issue is labeled "readme does aftercare," and it's smoking a cigarette.

Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

An image appearing to be a screenshot of a Polymarket betting option labeled "Will that bigass construction project on Forbes/Craig be completed on time?" with a 1% projected chance of succeeding and a $500 trillion volume.

A second market opened: What even is this project?!

// Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 4 • Oct. 8, 2025

Commonly Asked Dinner Q's

By Anonymous • Vol 3, Issue 3 • Feb. 14, 2025

Whenever you bring home a new loved one for dinner, it’s inevitable that your parents will ask you questions about them. Bringing home your new copy of ReadMe is no different. Today we will discuss some of the questions you can anticipate will be asked of you and your new …

"Escaping Samsara for engineers," an incredibly detailed hand-sketched diagram which this alt text could unfortunately not do justice to.

Alex Werth • Vol 3, Issue 4 • Feb. 26, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 1 • Jan. 13, 2026

Throwing a BOO-tiful Networking Mixer

By Violet R. Blu • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

With Halloween just around the corner, underachieving slackers everywhere are throwing parties. Now, horror movies are pretty scary, but I can’t think of anything more frightening than wasting valuable time on “fun” and “leisure”. Worry not, though: there is a way to celebrate Halloween while still maximizing productivity and increasing …

Buggy: An Introduction

By J. P. Crawfish • Vol 4, Issue 1 • Aug. 27, 2025

So you’ve found yourself in, near, or aiding and abetting a carbon fiber tube going 35 miles per hour down a hill. Do not fear, this happens all the time. There are many reasons why you may find yourself in this situation:

1) You are short
2) You went …

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 6 • April 10, 2024

Isabelle Florence • Vol 3, Issue 1 • Jan. 15, 2025

Benner Rogers • Vol 4, Issue 2 • Sept. 10, 2025

An ad promising to "enhance your erected with this one simple trick," next to photos of Walking to the Sky (100 ft., maybe) and the Cathedral of Learning (535 ft.).

Kevin Song • Vol 1, Issue 2 • Feb. 14, 2024

The Lottery

By Surley Jacks Son • Vol 4, Issue 5 • Oct. 31, 2025

The morning of October 27th was cloudy and overcast, with the cold of a mid-autumn day; the leaves of the trees showed hints of orange, and the dutifully maintained grass was richly green. The students of Carnegie Mellon began to gather on the Cut around ten o’clock; the whole lottery …

Warning

By A Dead Jellyfish • Vol 4, Issue 6 • Nov. 11, 2025

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Isabelle Florence • Vol 2, Issue 4 • Oct. 23, 2024

A movie poster for "Real Classes Have Curves."

Anonymous • Vol 2, Issue 7 • Dec. 4, 2024

Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid

By "Tyan Rosh" & Gilgamesh Ichthyomorphosis • Vol 4, Issue 0 • Aug. 17, 2025

Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.

We've …

House Plant • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

A Very Readme Christmas

By Alex Werth • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks

By "Tyan Rosh" • Vol 2, Issue 3 • Oct. 2, 2024

CMU President Farnam Jahanian with hair reminiscent of Elvis Presley's

In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's …

Carnegie Crime Report

By Benner Rogers • Vol 1, Issue 1 • Jan. 31, 2024

README prides itself on informing the students of Carnegie Mellon on local news and major events. Due to a large influx in crime on and near campus, README is publishing the details of several crimes so students know what to look out for. Safety is README’s top priority as an …

My cat is an asshole

By Benner Rogers • Vol 5, Issue 2 • Jan. 27, 2026

Yes, you read that right. My adorable, sweet, old-lady cat is a fucking asshole. Ever since the day we adopted her, my home has never known peace. She’s a smart asshole too. Early on, she discovered the miracle contraption known as a “window”. What did she do with this …

Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020 • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week • Dennis Prager won’t stop impregnating our country’s petite gay men causing national twink shortage • Women breaking glass ceiling suffering head lacerations • President Jahanian pledges to invade Pitt in State of the University address: "They will greet us as liberators" • White boy SHOCKS locals by speaking in fluent Chinese accent. • Tucker Carlson finally proposes to Green M&M. • Zeno’s Paradox Reason Why Our Sports Teams Suck • World Peace finally achieved after man starts Israel-Palestine argument in comments of a cat video. • Meteoric rise in Carnegie Mellon's name recognition: Record-breaking 3% of the population knows what CMU is, up from 1.8% in 2020. • Why the liberal left wants to make the face in the electrical outlets smiley instead of frowny • Studies show you're not being gaslit, you're just genuinely losing it • "Nobody's seen the drama students in a month, should we check on them?", says concerned RA • Can President Joe Biden please presidentially pardon my AIV? • Most breakthroughs in modern geology found to just be someone finding a cool rock on their street • Canadians finally get a Stanley Cup, NHL officials aghast • CMU football wins ten consecutive Heismans, CMU students still not going to games. • District Attorney unable to rule out murder as Buggy Alumni Association hit. • Sliced bread invented. Honestly, not that cool. • Hilbert Hotel relocated to Doherty • Complete works of Saphho discovered in a Home Depot • Oops! All Eugenics! Student accidentally argues for eugenics during ethics class for seventeenth time this week