Warren J. Caulfield

By Warren J. Caulfield • Vol 4, Issue 7 • Dec. 7, 2025

Crime cried for help in the quiet halls of Wean last night as an avalanche of crooked Material Science Engineers poured out of room 7500, breaking past red and blue barricades. A report submitted by a Mr. Benjamin Amstutz, a sophomore in MSE, detailed an organized plot to do crystal math during Structure of Materials. Mr. Amstutz, who lives in Fairfax 274 and leaves his door unlocked between 4 and 10 PM, wishes to remain anonymous, and so henceforth will be referred to as “Greg.”

Though Greg contacted us by mistake, after a little interrogation he confessed his fears …