"Tyan Rosh"
Staffwriter, Social Media
Undecided, 2028
Bio
Pursuing a BS in Undecided, class of 2028. You'll never guess my name. IG: @ryantosh0
Fun Fact
My cat's name is Poppy and she knows how you die
Previous Work
Argumentative Essay
In this course, I (along with my peers) have developed fundamental skills in argumentation—both the synthesis and analysis of argument, and its application in a modern context. In this essay, I have been asked to take a side on one of the most controversial issues in today's America, and to use the skills this course has emphasized in order to advance my supposedly informed perspective. But I believe this is a poor approach, and I suggest an alternative, hopefully without ceding the 20% of my final grade which this paper comprises.
In 2009, former president Barack Obama famously invited Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and police sergeant James Crowley to the White House, after a disagreement which sparked broader controversy over policing and racial profiling. Obama's approach was to "discuss the situation over beers," and that is exactly the approach I propose for the issue this paper discusses, despite its different scope.
I suggest that both sides should come to my apartment, where we can discuss in a more informal manner this issue which has brought about so much impassioned debate, while sipping some cool, refreshing beers. Writing a single paper arguing for a single stance would not bring about understanding; I strongly believe in our need for a dialogue, and particularly one which is facilitated by a nice couple of beers.
I could go for a beer right now, honestly. Writing any essay goes a lot smoother with a beer or two in your system, that's what my dad always said. God rest his soul. It doesn't even have to be beer. Cheap grocery store red wine brings about a different sort of scholarly conversation. Something a little more refined, a dialectic if you will. I can never just drink a single glass of wine. They should honestly make the glasses bigger.
Invite both sides to my apartment, my door's always open. We can take a few shots and cry over the state of America, and ultimately I don't think this one little political divide is going to change much of our trajectory. Hey you, dear reader, my professor: you should also show up, since you seem so invested in this whole damn charade. Just you, me, representatives of both sides of this national dispute, and a folding table actively warping under the weight of all the bottles. Have you ever snorted something before?
The Tartan requests $18,000 in Student Government funding
As a part of the Tartan's continuing efforts to be recognized as a serious news publication, it has recently selected several of its staffwriters as war correspondents. The decision process took the form of an involuntary nomination process followed by randomized selection, the very same system that CMU's admissions office is said to follow.
After several Tartan war correspondents were parachuted into various global conflicts, tragedy arose. The first wave was killed almost immediately by snipers, indirect artillery fire, and trench foot. Editor-in-chief Arden Ryan promised several weeks later to address the situation through the proper channels set up by Student Government.
His first step was to submit a capital funding request to the Joint Funding Committee (JFC), asking for approximately $18,000 for bulletproof vests, helmets, rugged boots, and condoms. The request was denied on a technicality, but the Student Dormitory Council (SDC) stepped up and offered funding through its supplemental funding process. Weeks later, the deal fell apart due to SDC's "$15 per student" rule, which could not cover the $3,800 arms packages which would be airdropped to each surviving Tartan journalist.
At this point, the news staff became impatient. They submitted an improved capital funding request, this time with the addition of various small arms, medical kits, and more condoms. JFC denied the request yet again, citing an obscure clause in its bylaws, preventing funding from the Student Activity Fee from being used to purchase military weaponry, unless it was for a Graduate Student Assembly (GSA) wine night.
Undeterred, news editor Holly Wang went to the office for Student Involvement and Traditions (SIT), who then referred her to the Office for Community Engagement and Leadership Development (CELD), who then referred her to VP of Student Affairs, Gina Casalegno. Gina offered several crates of unused CMUPD gear, which included heavy machine guns (HMGs), rocket launchers, class III+ body armor, gas masks, and condoms, with only one size having been used.
At this point, the airdrop crates were full and the parachutes were packed, but one detail was yet to be considered. Formerly, along with the infamous Student Life, Involvement, and Community Engagement (SLICE) vans, a fleet of cargo aircraft known as the SLICE tankers was made available to student organizations with two or more officers holding a Commercial Pilots License (CPL) with Instrument Rating (IR) and Multi-Engine Rating (MER). However, following the breakup of SLICE into SIT and CELD, the ownership of the aircraft was difficult to determine. Instead, all of the Tartan's authorized signers had to return to the certification course to actually read the rules regarding the use of student organization funds for travel purposes. They met with CELD one final time to make use of their spending office hours to charter a Luxembourgish military bomber aircraft, which should drop the crates late tomorrow afternoon.
On the origins of buggy
In modern day, it can be difficult to recollect the scrappy origins of the noble sport of Sweepstakes. Informally known as Buggy, this pastime today takes the form of small carbon fiber capsules being pushed along a set route through Schenley Park, steered by students of short stature and tall courage. But it wasn't always this way.
Approximately 2,800 years ago, an odd four legged creature roamed North America. Fossils indicate it looked somewhat similar to a goat, but with shorter, thicker legs. When standing its height was just above waist height for the average adult human, and when lying down, its large torso would rise to just below the average adult's knees.
These creatures lived in swamps and marshes, particularly in what would become the northeastern United States tens of thousands of years later. In winter they would grow thick fur and occupy caves or the undersides of ledges, and in spring, they would consume grass voraciously. One fascinating behavior of these creatures, documented both through fossilized soil records and extensive cave paintings, was a tendency to graze at the top of steep, muddy hills, waiting for predators to take notice. Once a large carnivore approached, the creature would fling itself into the mud and tuck its legs under its body, allowing it to slide down the hill. The legs of the creatures were carefully evolved to double as runners, akin to a sled or ice skate, minimizing friction (along with their streamlined fur).
Reconstructions of the languages used at the time would suggest the creatures were referred to as something like "of the bogs". Or as they later came to be called, upon the gentle introduction of European languages to this region of the world, "boggies". It seems that humans in the area that would now be referred to as southwestern Pennsylvania took a particular interest in studying boggies. They soon began constructing artificial environments to exaggerate the distances which they could slide, using wetter mud, predictable routing, and unnaturally steep slopes reinforced with reeds. After hundreds of years of this, the first evidence can be found of a human riding one of these "boggies", and not long after, pushing them uphill with their riders in order to slide further than a single downhill slope permits.
When exactly boggie riding became competitive is unknown, but it was a highly optimized contest by the time it made its way significantly into oral history. This history is now all that remains of this era of Sweepstakes, as boggies were driven to extinction within decades of European arrival. However, artificial boggies had already been constructed for centuries out of timber and furs, and as populations of natural boggies dwindled, technologies like the wheel were introduced, and the industrial revolution brought new materials and techniques, the boggie transformed into the buggy: beasts mechanical in nature, nearly frictionless, hurtling along courses of concrete and asphalt rather than mud and silt. Little of the original sport remains in a physical sense, but the core roles (minus those related to safety) have changed little, and the spirit of innovation and fair competition has persisted to this day, now under the watchful eyes of Carnegie Mellon University.
Taste-testing Messiahs
Pretty often now, we'll have these bearded fucks wander into the temple telling us they're the savior we were promised. They like to wash people's feet (a little too much honestly), and go on and on about the true spirit of the holidays, until someone rich bothers to have them strung up in the public square or torn apart by horses.
But first, we always make sure to taste test the would-be savior. We know, after all, that whoever we accept as our savior, we'll have to taste a little bit of every Sunday for the rest of our lives. A sip of their blood and a little morsel of their body. A waste of good wine and bread, in my opinion, but you've got to get your iron somewhere. Problem is, most of these guys' flesh just tastes awful. So we let them get tortured and killed, and wait for a more flavorful prophet.
This morning, I was invited to a prison carved into a cliffside. Amid the agonized screams and the putrid scent of disease and excrement, we found the cell of one particular man, whose skin was radiant, his hands callused, his face smugly superior. I took a delicate nibble of his flesh, and found that it tasted delicious. I've never noticed a complexity quite like that. Nor have I had the pleasure of trying such exquisitely textured meat. It had the toughness you would expect from a muscular laborer, but it yielded quickly, and was still juicy. His blood, too, was delicious. The irony note was covered by a subtle basicity and umami, left behind only as an aftertaste, which was complex and thought provoking.
This man was special, we decided. If billions would be consuming whatever savior we chose, this would be the best choice we would be offered. So, we put a crown of thorns on his head, and hung him from a cross, and hired a servant boy to drag his body out of his tomb three days later and smack it on a cliffside like a rug until there was nothing left but mist. To confirm we had performed the ritual correctly, I sipped wine and took a bite of bread under a stained glass window, and I was immediately struck by the same glorious gustatory experience as I was in the prison. Truly, the glory of God is like no other.
CMU Students obsessed with new beverage craze
It's everywhere: overnight, CMU seems to have been struck by a trend taking campus by storm. Once a utilitarian beverage, water has become the hottest cold drink on campus, leaving every floor slick and a line behind every water fountain.
We attempted to interview one student partaking in the trend on the Mall. "I've started guzzling my clear sloppy style," he stated. "I'm getting it everywhere. Dripping down my chin, my chest, splashing up on my forehead, ohfuck." The student proceeded to slam back a full, dewy Nalgene of cold water, splattering it across the dry sidewalk.
We walked into Doherty Hall, where we found a student clinging desperately to a water fountain, drinking water at an alarming rate, chest pressed against the button, hair drenched and caught in the fountain's drain holes. Their mouth was pressed directly to the brass nozzle of the water fountain, lips pursed. They were almost writhing. As we stepped over them, their eyes darted toward us wildly and they grunted in surprise and pleasure.
We continued down the stairs, where we found a small cluster of students handing around a plastic bottle of Aquafina. They were loudly arguing. The topic seemed to be one participant's excessively large swig of water from the communal bottle. When her turn came around, another student lunged for the bottle instead, and the circle collapsed into a brawl. A colleague of mine pulled one battered individual off of the pile, but they immediately leapt back into the fray, desperately throwing punches and grasping for the bottle.
In Porter Hall, we found lines coming out of every restroom, and areas were demarcated with tape and biohazard signs. Apparently, as one UHS staffer told us, students were intentionally contracting cholera. "The faster I can rid my body of the water, the more I can drink," one sweat-soaked student told us. Her face was contorted in agony, but still, she took long drafts from a crumpled plastic bottle. She suddenly sprinted to the nearest restroom, leaving us holding out our microphone to a blank wall.
It's a mystery to the broader populace of Pittsburgh what caused this frenzy. Trucks of bottled water are being rerouted to Oakland, at prices far exceeding retail value. The plumbing on campus has become a bottleneck for the flow of tap water, forcing labs to switch to large drums of deionized water in lieu of plumbed H2O. Many hope the trend will die down soon, but it shows no sign of stopping, nor any clues as to its origin.
Read More: Monongahela cocaine incinerator fined $2 million in landmark contamination case
So you've heard of 122?
So you met a friend during O-week. They're lively, clever, and excited for their first semester at a top-tier university. But a few weeks into the school year, you'll notice them shying away. They won't seem as alive at parties. They'll sit quietly during board game night while everyone else laughs and makes joyful conversation. They might even crawl someplace dark and quiet, like a sick cat hiding under your bed waiting to die. Wondering why? Well, it might just be 122.
Taking care of a friend with 122 is tricky. You want to communicate that you sympathize with them, but avoid sharing stories of your own intro course struggles or saying phrases like "I understand what you're going through." Because if you do, Iliano can't find out, or it's an AIV.
It may seem like their life has been consumed. It's an early lecture, then office hours, practice problems, precepts, programming homework, more office hours, more programming homework, rinse and repeat. The best thing you can do for them is provide a stable outside perspective and a steady guiding force in the right direction. Push them into bodies of water if you can smell them from more than two feet away. Delete their laptop's bootloader configuration, forcing them to take time away from c0vm. Take them to a rave in an abandoned warehouse, call the cops, and slip fent into their pockets.
What's most important to remember is that 122 doesn't last forever. At the end of the semester, your friend, crushed but finally free, will accept their C with a begrudging finality. And as the roads turn to ice and the campus dining locations close at 2 PM, you'll be on the other side of this. Together. Your friend may not be quite the same as before, but things will be okay.
Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid
Welcome to CMU, class of 2029+. When you first step onto campus, you may find yourself overwhelmed by the staggering number of clubs to join and people to meet, but if you're anything like us at readme, your first priority will always be one thing: sleeping with freshmen.
We've used our decades of collective experience to compile CMU's most comprehensive guide to getting in the kilt of the nearest warm body on campus. You can trust you're getting the real deal: for the 10th year in a row, the Wall Street Journal has ranked us as having more staffers "drowning in pussy" than any other magazine in the country. By the time you finish this brief article, you'll be drowning in it like a Navy SEAL at boot camp. You'll wake up resuscitated on the floor coughing up sex juices like it's pool water from a child's lungs on cold concrete in November. So sit down, put away your notebook, and strap in to strap on.
First, you'll want to consider men. Drop the bar to the ground, and you'll have other things dropping not too long after. To any woman, dear reader, you're like a 2. But to a man, you're something like a 7, maybe higher if he's desperate. And look at him, he is.
Second, go for graduate students. Trust me, they're totally into you. Did your TA make eye contact? She wants you bad. Is your lecturer still pursuing a PhD? They're looking for just the right kind of distraction. If you catch someone over 22 out and about on campus, shoot your shot. Don't even be subtle with it, you both know what you're here for.
Third, carry condoms at all times. You want them in your pockets, on your desk, and spilling out of your backpack. Nothing gets people turned on in an 8 AM lecture like seeing a little strip of foil-wrapped goodies sitting on the floor by your shoe, and that's when you make your move. Plus, it'll be reassuring to those around you to know that you're shielding others from the STDs you're carrying. If you don't have any condoms on you, just walk into the nearest 122 office hours and tell them you need sexual health supplies.
In this day and age, it may seem impossible to find mind boggling amounts of sex on a college campus, but with a little skill, you'll be sleeping around like the best of them. But if none of these tips work, become a TA for a difficult class and desperate almost-failures will be all over you.
A Freshman's Guide to Avoid Freshmen who read "A Freshman's Guide to Getting Laid"
It'll be a typical day at CMU. The clouds are out, you're stuck in Wean, and the highlight of your day has been a $6 latte from La Prima. Then, out of the corner of your eye, you'll spot a particularly unattractive freshman (not that you'd have opinions on the attractiveness of freshmen) confidently strutting your way, smelling like a middle schooler who's just discovered Axe body spray, taking time during every stride to make sure your chest and/or groin hasn't gone anywhere in the meantime.
Time freezes. You've found someone who read the sex guide. Don't bother hitting them; a dense layer of condoms stuffed in every pocket and liner of their clothing provides excellent shielding. Don't run either. You'll just leave them targeting some other poor grad student or unimpressive male. You'll want to go for the kill.
As soon as they hit you with a pick-up line or ask for your name, year, pronouns, major, and hometown, ask how their parents are doing. Is their mom proud of them? Does she think CMU is a good enough school? What about their grades, is a 3.3 GPA really going to be enough for a plane ticket home this winter? And just like that, another sex guide reader is reminded that no amount of temporary pleasure will make up for the feelings of inadequacy they'll never fully escape.
Spring Carnival Committee found dead in office
The CMU community is in shock after the discovery on Wednesday morning that all of Spring Carnival Committee (SCC) has died. An FMS maintenance worker discovered their remains in the SCC office on the third floor of the UC, and autopsy reports state that they had likely been dead for weeks. While students and faculty are mourning the loss of several upstanding members of the CMU community, they're also relieved to have an answer as to why so many delays occurred during preparations for Booth. "SCC was so slow to put out the form for booth chairs," one student stated on Midway. "If I'd known the directors of Booth were skeletons lying on the floor of the UC, I would've been fine with the delays. They just need to communicate better."
The cause of the numerous deaths is still unknown, but there are some clues. Some orgs suspect foul play, especially in light of recent tensions between SCC and SDC over their suspiciously similar names. Others suspect a gas leak, which may explain the increasingly confused actions SCC took in their final hours, perhaps reflecting a gradual loss of consciousness due to asphyxiation.
Nevertheless Booth will continue, though further delays can be anticipated. Students took the opportunity prior to move-on to mourn the loss of SCC, as they waited half an hour past their scheduled times to be allowed onto Midway. CMU is urging students to remove their hard hats out of respect, and to drown their grief in copious amounts of alcohol during Carnival.
Dear Alumni:
Dear CMU alumni,
I know that you'll often get overly cheerful letters from CMU, saying how much they love you and how cool you must be, when all they really want is your money. We at readme detest this practice. In fact, we'd like to take the opportunity to tell you that we wish you'd just die already.
We need money. CMU is trying to starve us out, and stealing random first-years' IDs for print budget just doesn't pay the bills like it used to. We considered writing you a sincere little note about your cool little job and how readme could pave the way for younger CMU students to follow in your footsteps, but statistically, you're probably a piece of shit who works in the defense industry or investment banking.
If you flip this page over and turn it inside out, you'll find photos taken through the scope of a rifle, showing you throughout your daily routine. If you have a wife or children, they'll be in there too. This is not extortion and we will not accept your money. We would sooner let this be the last thing we ever print than give you the slightest hint of appreciation or respect.
Sincerely,
The README Fundraising Committee
Ranking CMU's presidents
Arthur A. Hamerschlag (1903–1922): As Carnegie Tech's first president, Hamerschlag was a visionary. He oversaw the school's transition from a trade school for young people in industry to a four-year college, which is widely regarded as a mistake. Despite overseeing CMU's original sin, he Hammed his Schlag so hard that this university survived another century, and for that, he deserved to be our first S tier president.
Thomas S. Baker (1922–1935): CMU's official website describes Mr. Baker as "giving Carnegie Tech a chance to breath," a typo which is ironic in light of Baker Hall's close connection with CMU's English department. Baker's most significant improvements to campus seem to have been trees and sidewalks, possibly as an attempt to allow the forest to reclaim campus. An admirable effort, but he's solidly in B tier.
Robert E. Doherty (1936–1950): Doherty took over CMU in the midst of the Great Depression. This would not be CMU's last encounter with depression. Despite his clear leadership in one of the most trying times in American history, including through the Second World War, his name is now primarily associated with the worst building on campus. I put Doherty in B tier.
John Christian Warner (1950–1965): John Warner purified the plutonium for the Manhattan Project. Under Warner's administration, the first business school on CMU's campus opened its doors. The building named after Warner is a monotonous block of brown glass, with a lavish interior clearly deducted directly from students' tuition. John Warner is no friend of mine. D tier.
H. Guyford Stever (1965–1972): As one of CMU's shortest-serving presidents, Stever made an outsized impact. He oversaw the merger between Carnegie Tech and the Mellon Institute, the closing of the women's college, and the creation of four of CMU's seven colleges. Stever starts with an S, and so it's only fair to give him S tier.
Richard M. Cyert (1972–1990): Under Cyert, CMU rose to prominence as a pioneer of computing and a world-class institution. Though his strong vision for the future of CMU was as influential as it was ambitious, he got the short end of the stick with the building given his namesake. Cyert Hall is a building few have entered, and one which will have you asking, "why am I doing this?" This is the same question one would ask in Cyert himself. Overall, Richard Cyert earns a respectable A tier.
Robert Mehrabian (1990–1997): Mehrabian made a highly visible, and highly questionable, mark on the physical layout of campus. Under his supervision, Gesling Stadium was rotated 90° for a second time, the bafflingly designed and wildly overpriced University Center was built, Roberts Engineering Hall grew like a tumor from the western side of Hamerschlag, and the East Campus Garage blighted our campus with car-centric infrastructure. History will not be kind to Robert Mehrabian, and neither will I. C tier.
Jared L. Cohon (1997–2013): Jared Cohon was a guiding force in CMU's growth during one of the most dynamic times in history, overseeing CMU through the rise and fall of pop-punk and mallcore. Cohon has the longest online biography of any CMU president by far, though it has an outsized focus on his personal accomplishments. I do not think it would be controversial to place Cohon firmly in A tier.
Barack Obama (2008–2016): Barack Obama was a flawed president, as many have taken the opportunity to point out, but his message of hope and his clearly voiced support for our nation's best impulses will stand out as a last gasp for normalcy in a flailing democracy. Under Obama's tenure, the Tepper School of Business grew substantially, including through the construction of the Tepper Quad, but little else changed significantly. This might be a controversial take, but I'm putting Obama in B tier.
Farnam Jahanian (2017–Present): Farnam Jahanian is, without question, the best president in CMU history. Farnam has watched over CMU in a time of great growth and change, and has been a stabilizing force in times of distress. I particularly hope that due to my praise, Farnam will personally write off my tuition. S++ tier.
Campus Dining Spots to now serve alcohol
In a slurred and overly conversational speech delivered by CMU's director of Dining Services, it was announced Wednesday morning that all on-campus dining locations will now serve alcoholic beverages. Students are thrilled, but which location is best to get plastered at after your 122 midterm? Our staff worked overtime to find out.
Au Bon Pain
Need to drown your Pain? Check out ABP's "signature cocktails," a new set of menu additions! Our reviewers found it confusing to order on a block, and the wait was long, but the drinks had unique spins and good flavor. We particularly liked the "Bad Egg," eggnog with 40% alcohol by volume.
Capital Grains
Capital Grains, as the hippest location on campus, serves only local microbrew IPAs, on tap from 11:30 AM to 3:00 PM. We recommend going at 2:00 PM happy hour and getting two pints on a block!
Crisp and Crust
While the wait is about half an hour to get a glass of wine, Crisp and Crust has one of the more refined beverage selections despite its fast-casual appearance.
De Fer
Want a paper cup of vodka and a mixer from a barista with pronouns? De Fer's your go-to destination. Just don't go between classes!
The Edge
If all you're looking for is a cheap shitty beer, The Edge has your back. Sit at the bar and enjoy a half dozen Buds on flex while you watch the game.
Entropy+
Entropy used to be the number one source on campus for caffeine, but after a decade of slinging uppers in pill, can, or cup form, it's time for a depressant to enter the fray. Grab yourself an overpriced bottle of the worst everclear you've ever tasted, if you can handle the wait at the register!
El Gallo de Oro
You might head to Gallo hoping for an authentic cerveza, maybe a Corona, Modelo, or Tecate. But instead, you'll find watered down American rip-offs, and wake up with a headache and regrets.
Millie's Coffee 'n' Creamery
In the market for an ice cream cocktail? Cool off and get fucked up all in one, with Millie's newest concoction, available in six flavors. If that's too normal, try the cement mixer!
Nourish
At Nourish, it's all business. No mixers, no flavor, nothing unnecessary or allergenic. Just straight vodka.
Schatz Dining Room
Just what Schatz always needed: bottomless martinis! For just a block, get blitzed on a middle aged mom's favorite beverage while you eat shitty food off barely-cleaned plates. Overall it doesn't do much to improve the experience, wouldn't recommend.
Scotty's Market
If you're hoping to throw your own party, or drink alone in your dorm room, Scotty's has got you covered. They don't ID, and they take flex!
Shake Smart
Want to drink alcohol, but feel healthy about it? Ask for a hard lemongrass smoothie! Get the nutrients you need to thrive while you stumble home from Highmark. We found you don't get much for what you pay, but hey, you're paying for the lifestyle.
Stack'd
The Stack'd Dessert Bar is gone, and is now just the Stack'd Bar. TVs have seemingly sprouted from the walls, playing sports highlight reels. Grab yourself the beer you always needed to accompany your burger and fries.
TSA-TSA Mixup Causes Dangerous Situation
Recently, a mixup occurred on CMU's campus at a recruiting event for the Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for securing air travel to, from, and within the United States. The event was booked for the Danforth Lounge, for 6 PM on Sunday. But in the neighboring Danforth Conference Room, another TSA was setting up for a GBM: CMU's own Taiwanese Students Association.
Due to the ensuing confusion, the entirety of the bodies of the two organizations were swapped overnight. Pittsburgh's hotels are swamped as over 60,000 former airport security officers are celebrating Taiwanese heritage, while the nation's airports are in chaos as around 100 East Asian CMU students attempt to operate the security infrastructure spread across the US's 480 international airports.
We talked to one exhausted former CMU student at Baltimore/Washington International Airport, who was attempting to scan the luggage of over one thousand passengers per hour. "I'm supposed to be responsible for Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Washington, DC," she said. "I've been alternating between them every hour, but many flights are still being missed."
Other airport security agents have simply given up. "I just watched a full passenger plane blow up thirty seconds after takeoff," the former president of the Taiwanese Students Association told us. "I saw bodies fall from the sky."
Back at CMU, every lecture hall is filled to capacity as former security officials educate themselves on Taiwan and its rich cultural history. Many are former veterans. "I feel slightly out of place on a college campus," one said. "I haven't patted down someone's crotch in weeks."
Many on both sides of the mixup hope it will be resolved shortly. "We keep trying to reserve the two Danforths on 25Live in the opposite direction, but they keep denying our reservations," says one student. Some have appealed to CMU's registrars directly, but received no reply from the administrators, who are swamped by paperwork from the tens of thousands of new students.
Best countries to study abroad in to study in Russia
Want to study abroad in Russia, but can't because of geopolitics? Check out this list of 10 countries to try instead, which will have you studying abroad in Russia in no time!
10. Ukraine
Give Trump and Putin a few weeks to negotiate, and you'll undoubtedly find yourself within Russian territory.
9. Georgia
Just wait! With a little patience, you'll be part of Russia just the same.
8. Belarus
Does linguistic genocide give you a hard-on? Much like how Western countries like France squashed their national languages in favor of one spoken by the elites, Belarus took this one step further, and made their official one of their bordering country.
7. Transnistria
Do you ever find yourself jacking off to USSR-era aesthetics? Are there tears running down your face mourning what once was? Yes? Then Transnistria is the perfect place for you! The flag is mostly red with a hammer and sickle in the canton, reminiscent of the vexilological layout of former SSR flags. You will find restaurants and bars decorated with soviet memorabilia everywhere you look. This country is closely aligned with Mother Russia, perfect for you!
6. Antarctica
Russia doesn't officially claim territory in Antarctica, but it's been accused of using scientific research as an excuse to exert increasing power over this chilly continent. This is a great place to study if you want to expand the motherland!
5. Poland
They've done it before, and they'll do it again. You don't have to be a farmer at the coordinates 50.47099, 23.93432 to experience authentic Russian invasion, so long as you incite a little conflict, and don't let NATO get you down.
4. Finland
Want to have to work for your Russian study abroad? Come fight another Winter War, and make it an inside job! If Mr. Molotov's bread baskets call to you, and you never leave the sauna without your trusty Mosin-Nagant, this is the space to watch.
3. Serbia
Want to study in a country with very similar political views as Mama Rossiya, that isn’t Belarus? Serbia is a great place for you in the Balkans! Just remember, Kosovo is Serbia, do not let the majority of the world tell you otherwise.
2. The United States
Looking for a country run by an old, authoritarian man who hates the gays, and which has a history of bullying smaller countries in its sphere of influence, and makes extensive use of questionable mercenaries? You might be just where you wanted already! Check out CMIST's Washington Semester Program, or stay local and build missiles for your own jingoistic paradise!
1. Brighton Beach, Brooklyn
For this scenic location right by the Atlantic Ocean, you won’t even have to leave the country! Looking down every street, you will see advertisements in Russian regarding injury lawyers, real estate, antique porn, and so much more! Despite being in New York, one could easily get by never having to utter a single word of English. If you ever get tired of being surrounded by 70 year-old Russian-speaking Jews, Uzbeks, Kyrgyz, Kazakhs, Georgians, etc, simply take the Q train to Bushwick where you can take a break with a 12 dollar latte and live that gentrifier lifestyle.
Overheard at CMU
Feb 19
motion to create the chaired the chaired uh motion to create the chair uh ah shit whats the word for it whats the word for group, club, chair organization committee, sorry whole lotta stress looking at your eyes aw man ever since yeah, I’m sorry. Motion to create the chair committee, my feelings towards you are completely platonic this is not in the description nor the title, to be tabled so the table that we have some chairs to go with the table that we already have
Feb 22
Every time I go to package pickup, I tell them I have one more package than I actually do. They look for a bit, and don't see it. It's definitely there, I tell them. I have a forged donotreply email to prove it. I refuse to leave without it. Just as the stress is getting to them, I shout "IT'S GOING TO HATCH" and watch the panic on their faces
Feb 23
"So which came first, the Rust or the deep and everpresent sense of insecurity?"
One's a magazine. One's a human. Now they're married.
Just a few short articles ago, they were strangers. One, a newspaper, born in a VersaLink printer, and the other, a student of Carnegie Mellon University. They're an unlikely couple, but they show that love truly has no bounds. Their wedding is set to take place on the scenic slopes of The Hill, as rose petals drift down from the straight floor of Welch. The reception will be held at Shake Smart, and among the guests we expect to see notable celebrities including Farnam Jahanian, Iliano Cervesato, and Taylor Swift, with her new boyfriend Eshaan Joshi.
CMU Takes Position on Gates Divorce
In August of 2021, Bill Gates and Melinda French Gates got a divorce after 27 years of profitable marriage. While the couples' finances have since been settled, CMU has quietly ignored a brewing custody battle over the Gates' favorite child: the Gates-Hillman Center.
While the 9-story building was conceived by the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation in 2009, which is around the time Bill first became friends with Jeffrey Epstein, the Bill Gates Foundation and the Melinda Gates Foundation have since parted ways. They can no longer legally support the same causes, and that includes raising the young Gates Center, which turns 16 this fall.
CMU has had to step in as an impartial mediator. Farnam had strong opinions on the issue, and quickly decided that custody would go to the Melinda Gates Foundation. The building is now to be called the Melinda Gates Center. Hillman has been dropped from the name, though his influence still remains in the building's acronym, which will remain GHC (though it is now short for "Glasgow Haskell Compiler").
Melinda French Gates has stated she has plans for the building now that it is fully under her control. For one, she plans to destroy the spiral, which she states "reminds [her] of Bill's penis." The classrooms in the center tower of the spiral will remain in use, but students must now jump across a chasm to get to class.
I swear to god I'm stalking you platonically
Look, there's no easy way to say this, and I've thought a lot about how I want to introduce myself. I just wanted to send this to clear things up.
As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been stalking you for some time now. I know you might think I'm obsessed with you in a deeply creepy romantic manner, but I'm not. You work for Nakatomi Defense Corporation, on the 17th floor of their New York campus, in office 1712b. You got the job straight out of college, where you got a BS in Chemistry with a 3.98 GPA, and had a committed boyfriend who broke up with you on December 2nd, 2011. Your studies focused mainly on colloids, with applications to nuclear science. In your job, you manage logistics for a similar project, which my handlers are very interested in.
I'm a trained industrial spy, though I can't say from where. That's the true reason I've been following you home from work every day. Though you are rather attractive, I’m only covertly watching your every move to collect the secret details of Project Silent Fletcher, which you work under, not because I feel like I deserve for you to love me.
I just wanted to clear this up because of the awkward encounter we had yesterday when I bumped into you on the street. It may have made you uncomfortable when my briefcase burst open and thousands of pictures taken of you scattered across the pavement. But it's all just so my employers can better understand the material characteristics of the secondary stage of the warheads your office designs.
Thank you so much for understanding.
How to make your neighbor's crawl space feel like home
With rising house prices and global climate change, many of us are making the sensible switch to cheaper, more sustainable housing, such as the attics and crawl spaces of our former neighbors. But when you come home from a long day of gender studies, you want to relax in a space that's truly your own, not just a dirt-floored maze of two-by-fours. Check out these five tips for bringing your space to life!
1. Partition spaces to create a cozy atmosphere
Often, crawl spaces will have short ceilings and large, open floor plans. This can create a sense of claustrophobia and abandonment, and according to the baddies, it reflects poorly on you personally. To divide up your space and create a softer feeling, try partitioning your crawl space into small nooks and rooms, using discarded bedsheets hanging from the floor joists above your head. For a more solid divider, you can even use the laser cutters in TechSpark to build custom wall panels.
2. Choose a comfortable flooring material
While a dirt floor can be a total vibe, crawling across it to get to your living space can leave your clothes tattered and discolored. But a cheap and easy fix can be had: flooring! Pallets found in the loading docks around campus can be broken apart to form makeshift floorboards, and with a little sanding, they'll be smooth and comfortable to climb across. In lieu of floor polish, you can try personal lubricant from the Highmark Center!
3. Use many small light sources
One unique challenge of living in a crawl space is the many columns and beams supporting the structure you shelter beneath. These can create odd shadows with a single, central light source, making small lamps a good choice. Since you likely won't get sunlight, except through small vents, you may want to use a mix of daylight-spectrum (5000K) bulbs and warm white ones (2700K-3500K), which you switch between at twilight.
4. Incorporate plants and greenery
Once your crawl space is cozy and nicely lit, consider adding greenery to truly bring it to life. You may already have vines and ivy on the outer walls of the building, and training it to grow along the floor joists above your head brings a cozy atmosphere with no watering or fertilizers required. With a little more work, you can use discarded coffee cups and paint cans as pots for native plants. Consider carnivorous varieties to tackle the bug infestations you may face!
5. Adapt furniture to suit your space
Living in a crawl space comes with many struggles, but most stem from the simple fact that a two foot ceiling is rarely enough to fit common furniture. Instead of a bed frame and mattress, consider a thin memory foam mattress topper, and a pillow taped to the ceiling above your head to prevent concussions. Instead of a desk and chair, consider nailing a thin sheet of plywood to a pallet, and placing it at the foot of your bed, providing a place to set your notebook and laptop while you lie on your bed.
For more interesting activities, like laundry, cooking, or sex, you may need to get creative. But here at readme, we choose to believe that limitations breed creativity.
Concepts Releases Merch
The Mathematics Department is hoping that these "sick new kicks" will make Concepts of Mathematics the new "it class" for stylish students.
Overheard at CMU
Jan. 19
inside me, there is a wolf.... woof... woof WOOF WOOF WOOF BARK BARK WOOF YPYIP AWOOOOOO WOOF WOOF WOOF ARHGHGHGHHGHGHG
Jan. 22
"I can get a white lie shirt with 'my cousin never jacked off a salmon on accident" on the back"
"That's so messed up. My cousin did it on purpose."
"Yeah my cousin did it to a tuna"
"You guys are disgusting. My tuna jacked off my cousin"
Jan. 24
"One of my favorite hobbies is going to punk shows. I linger near the mosh pit, and wait for someone to walk by in a band Tshirt. I drill them with questions about the band, so niche and trivial they're bound not to know. Once they're insecure, I tell them they're fake punks. The stress is getting to them. There's only one way they can prove they're punk, I say. The most subversive thing you can do in this capitalistic society: scream your social security number from the stage. Determined to prove their creds as a rebellious working class youth, they do it every time. Then I open a bunch of credit cards in their name and buy cocaine."
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us - OPINION
Hunt Library is queerbaiting us, and I won't stand for it any longer. Hunt was constructed in 1961, but it didn't have exterior lights until 2010, when people stopped gaybashing and everything went to shit. Hunt Library thinks it serves. It needs to stop trying to make Cunt Library happen. It's not going to happen.
Hunt hints at a fictional queer identity by flashing rainbow lights at night, in what appears to be a display of pride and flamboyance. But almost as soon as it starts, it turns back to white with blue corners, or sometimes blue with white corners, or sometimes solid piss yellow for some fucking reason. But Hunt isn't gay, it knows it's not gay, Baker knows it's not gay, I know it's not gay, you know it's not gay, it led on my best friend. Hunt Library is a piece of shit for what it did to Pausch Bridge. Queerbaiting is primarily used by Hollywood to attract [I don't know if I can say this word] and their allies, without scaring the straights. Hunt Library is doing the same thing: it wants to have its cake and throw it back too. It's dishonest and honestly fucking shameful. I'd go talk to it but the De Fer unicorn makes me feel things I don't know how to process.
Also what the fuck is up with that high-pitched noise in Hunt on the first floor like can you not like bitch what. And who is Maggie Murph anyway??
Gay identity is not a commodity. I want to see Hunt Library go on a date with another library. I want to see them kiss. I want Hunt Library to look into its eyes as the realization hits that their relationship can never work out. I want to support Hunt Library through a heartbreak, bringing it soup and comforting it while it cries in its car during the 15 minute break it gets, begging it to eat just one bite of the sandwich it bought, because it's too weak to stand, and still has four hours to go. Hunt Library is a fucking coward, afraid to love, afraid to be loved. Hunt Library wasn't born this way. It's just too scared to confront the shit it's internalized, and too comfortable passing that on to others as a coping mechanism.
Hunt Library is a piece of shit, and I'm tired of saying it and nobody listening. Hunt Library is baiting us, while courting homophobes to keep the bubble it lives in from popping. It's a shallow friend and a cyberbully. Fuck Hunt Library.
CMU Student Senate clarifies fetal personhood policy
The Fence is a proud tradition in CMU's history, with a short and simple set of rules. One such rule is that so long as two people are "holding" the fence by staying within its encircling gravel pit, no others may lay claim to it.
This simplicity falls apart, however, when we consider complex edge cases in the definition of a human life. Perhaps the most fraught of these is the point at which a fetus can be counted as a person. CMU's Student Senate, which governs the Fence, recently issued a policy clarifying this matter. It simply reads, "a fetus counts as a 'person' for the purposes of defending the Fence only if the fetus may plausibly survive independently outside the womb, which may be estimated at 24 weeks from conception." [Article II.D.6.a.ii]
This policy was roundly praised for its vision and specificity. "I appreciate that we now have a firm answer," one student stated. "I think all sides in this debate are now pleased."
While no instance is known where the personhood status of a fetus was the deciding factor in a dispute over control of the Fence, the Senate's foresight in providing guidance on the issue is laudable. We can only hope that similarly prescient legislation may be adopted governing this author's intent to carry out illegal abortions within the gravel pit, using only technology which was available in 1923.
Overheard at CMU
Person 1: "Look at these Jehovah's Witnesses proselytuting"
Person 2: "I think the correct term is 'sect work.' "
"I have a special ability, one I don't tell anyone about. I'm sort of a superhero. My power is that my card works at Chipotle on the first try, when for everyone else, they have to insert it twice. I try to stay humble. Y'know, keep it a secret. But you seem different. Something about you seems special."
Student 1: "Do you ever get depressed thinking about how there are prodigies half our age who can outsmart us?"
Student 2: "Nah. You never hear about those child prodigies once they grow up. They end up worse off. 'Child prodigy' is just a nice way of saying ''one hit wonder.' "
Student 1: "Hmm. But what about that one guy, from Fox News?"
Student 2: "Who, Ben Shapiro?"
Student 1: "Yeah"
Student 2: "He's still a child prodigy."
Student 1: "At 40 years old? He never grew out of it?"
Student 2: "Nope, might be the oldest child in the world at this point. I mean, listen to him."
Student gives 75 classmates AIVs
On Tuesday, November 26th, during a midterm for 18-122 (Principles of Slightly Different Computing), a record of 75 students were given academic integrity violations within a 32 minute span. While their alleged offenses varied widely in scale and execution, they all constituted some form of unauthorized aid, traced back to a single student who passed the course with a C last semester. Most significantly, none of the students involved showed any desire to receive assistance on the midterm.
The aid arrived in many different forms. Some thirty students received copies of Tuesday's midterm in their CMU Gmail inbox the night before, with personalized notes. Others were given assistance during the test itself: the student providing aid was caught no less than 13 times staring directly at a terrified student in the lecture hall, aggressively blinking in morse code. Several more students entered the test with detailed course notes written on their hands or arms, which they consistently denied writing themselves. "I just woke up with this written on me," one concerned AIV recipient stated.
With over 90% of the class having received unauthorized and undesired assistance, just 9 students remain. They report a frightening atmosphere both in and out of the class, due to an ever-present threat of unwanted help with their coursework. One student reported changing her route to her apartment, after a masked figure jumped out of the shadows and began reciting homework answers. Another classmate returned to Michigan over the break to find his bedroom window shattered, the culprit being a brick with a note tied to it containing a printed copy of the upcoming final.
Dying CMU students will now take "Finals"
On Friday, Warner Hall announced a policy of "Finals" (with a capital "F"), much to the confusion of the student body. While the specifics of the plan have yet to be shared, administration has made concepts of it clear: all CMU students who die during the fall and spring semesters will be subject to "Finals" recapping the sum of their human experience.
The content of the Finals was initially unclear, but Gina Casalegno, Vice President of Student Life and Student Death, was quick to provide a syllabus for a 0-unit course, "Mortality" (with codes including 00-100 for first-years and 00-800 for graduate students), which all CMU students will be enrolled in. Specific questions likely to be asked include "Are you proud of who you became?" and "Did fear and regret shape your perception of what you could accomplish?"
Catching students in their final moments to take a lengthy exam may prove difficult, however. This morning, large nets were unfurled beneath bridges near campus to roll students into a testing facility, which will return them to their original trajectory once grades are posted. Cars on campus have been limited to 5 miles per hour, and large "man catcher" buckets have been installed on their grilles to catch students who otherwise would have been killed, such that they may turn in their Final before being battered to death in a controlled environment similar to Forbes Avenue.
CMU's goals are unclear, but our investigative journalists were able to conclude through cat burglary that an institutional objective for the 2025 calendar year is to "instill an awareness of mortality and the finality of death into our students, staff, and faculty."
Iliano Spills All, Denies Ties to CIA!
On November 7th, README secured an interview with one of CMU's most famed figures: Dr. Illiano Cervesato, the professor for Principles of Imperative Computing. Reproduced below are some of the most intriguing, incriminating, and downright intransient questions and answers we got from this unprecedented collaboration.
Your class is infamous for its strictness on academic integrity, do you think– [Iliano: Infamous?] –infamous, yeah [both chuckle] that's the word they used. Do you think that students are more likely to cheat in 122, or just more likely to get caught?
Maybe both? They are more likely to cheat because it's typically freshman and some sophomores, and they don't know better basically. I think you get a lot fewer people who get caught cheating in upper division classes but just, that's the way it is. And, we do due diligence to try to catch people and I'm not sure how much due diligence other classes do.
[reads next question, laughs]
It's going to be a funny one now I guess.
Some people have called you the Lebron James of imperative computing. How do you feel about that?
That's a new one, okay. Is it a good thing or a bad thing?
Definitely a good thing
A good thing, well okay, I guess I should feel good about it, yes?
Do you have any projects that you work on in your free time, purely for fun?
Making 122 even harder and meaner and yeah, that.
How do you afford paying $2000 every semester for a single banana to be grown, harvested, and shipped all the way here to Pittsburgh?
Oh, that's really hard, that's killing me, and we need to find a better thing. So, we've been studying this amortized analysis thing for like years, still trying to figure it out. We tell that to students, 500 people every semester are trying to help us. They are not really succeeding, but we'll crack that nut eventually. But not now.
If a zombie apocalypse were to occur at CMU, what building would you go to?
Well I would go home.
What if you were trapped on campus? There's walls around campus to contain it.
There is one place on campus that can withstand anything. Anything. That's Wean Hall.
That's the answer I get from everyone, yeah.
Yes. You probably know that there is a plaque at the entrance of Wean Hall that says that it got some big award from the Concrete Manufacturers of America or some association like that.
This one just says, do you have any weaknesses?
Of course not. [Both chuckle] [Iliano is serious]
Would you ever throw water balloons at your students?
That's messy. I've thrown other things–at TAs more than students. I've thrown pens, I've thrown erasers probably, water balloons never come up. But I'll think about it.
If you had to hit–
–no, no no no no, I did. I did. I did. [Interviewer: You did?] So, I remember that a few years ago we had a water balloon fight with a bunch of faculty and a bunch of students, and we destroyed each other. We were completely soaked by the end, and I had a great time.
If you had to hit as many students as possible with a limited number of water balloons, what is the most efficient algorithm to hit N students with 1 water balloon?
[Author was given an AIV for trying to print this answer]
Despite the existence of office hours, EdStem, and many other resources, several students still pass 15-122. How do you plan on rectifying this?
I don't know what to tell you, maybe that's my weakness.
What would you say is the hardest part of teaching 122? Have you learned anything from it? Oh yeah, I've been learning other things all the time. What is the hardest part? Hmm. Maybe the hardest part is that you think you understand your students, then every semester, they behave differently in ways that are different from every previous semester. And you need to readjust things all the time.
That's interesting. Do you have any examples of that?
Examples? Uh, it's typically things that are not clear to them. So um, let me see if I can come up with an example from the top of my head this time. There have been several things like that in this semester but nothing's coming up. But, things that they find confusing. Somehow, every semester there is a new thing that never bothered anyone in the past and suddenly you get a group of 10, 20, 30 that tells you "I have no idea what that means and I'm making all these mistakes, and please explain this to me it's so confusing."
That's interesting, yeah. According to our sources, you collaborate with US intelligence agencies to catch students who cheat. Can you explain how this fruitful relationship between the CS department and the FBI began?
You mean CIA, right?
Both.
This is…this is completely false information, there is no substance to these allegations. Even if somebody has observed anything that was manufactured by the other agencies, or something.
Okay okay, I'll make sure to write an entire article dispelling the rumors.
Yeah yeah, please dispel these completely unfounded, misleading, partially incorrect rumors.
Why is it that they've been putting toothpicks in sandwiches for as long as I can remember, but when I put a razor blade in a candy bar everyone goes crazy?
…
Must have something to do with like, physiology of the mouth of average people, I'm not sure. I am not sure. Someone should do a PhD thesis on that.
I think that's all the questions I had. Do you have anything you'd like to say to the CMU population?
Umm, carry on.
Alleged picture of Iliano at Langley taken in 2019. He continues to deny any and all involvement with the CIA, claiming this image is doctored.
What is MIT
To most of us, "MIT" stands for one thing, and one thing only: an overused BSD-style software license. But in a suburb of Boston, a little-known private university known as Massachusetts Institute of Technology has been racking up accolades at an impressive rate, sparking curiosity among CMU students and faculty.
The gist of MIT is pretty simple: it's basically a smaller, shittier CMU. With an undergraduate population of 4500 and a graduate population of 7300, it hasn't quite caught up to our Carnegie Tech, which boasts 7700 undergrads and 8600 graduate students. While CMU's historic campus spans a range of architectural styles, it's anchored by the seven original beaux-arts style buildings, from the turn of the 20th century. MIT, in contrast, started with a disorganized jumble of buildings, which only worsened as changing architectural style gripped the campus in its maw, violently flinging it between brutalist abstraction and postmodernist disorder, never managing to snap its neck cleanly.
CMU may claim the spot as #1 in computer science, but MIT is a close tie for second. What MIT truly lacks, as its name may suggest, is the breadth that makes CMU stand out. Carnegie Mellon boasts world-class drama, architecture, and business programs, in addition to the STEM majors it's most famous for. It fearlessly pushes the boundaries of multidisciplinary collaboration, single-handedly introducing academic disciplines ranging from artificial intelligence to decision science. MIT may as well be stuck in a previous century.
Unlike CMU, some say going to MIT can be a significant source of stress. Its official motto, "I Hate This Fucking Place", is proudly displayed on its class rings. A common hobby at MIT is "shafting", which may describe either the practice of climbing through walls to access secret tunnels, or paying the cost of its tuition. MIT is close neighbors with Harvard, a decrepit business school with which it shares a cross-registration program.
Despite its many shortcomings, MIT is all over the news. Always on the lookout for an underdog, journalists are quick to point out the cutting-edge research which sometimes occurs. Keep an eye on this rising star in the coming years!
CMU to Issue Free and Open Source Driver's License
In the software industry, the Free and Open Source Software (or FOSS) movement has long pushed for licenses, such as GPL and BSD, which allow code to be seen, copied, and improved upon by anyone. This is in opposition to proprietary software, in which the source code is private and under strict copyright protections. Until recently, even the state of Pennsylvania has taken such a restrictive view on licensing: driver's licenses, despite being easy to copy and modify, are placed under unnecessary and limiting restrictions.
CMU, as an institution for the promotion of knowledge, stands in opposition to anything which limits our collective enlightenment. In the world of computer science, this comes in the form of vigorous support for the FOSS movement, even in the face of great adversaries like Bill "Spiral" Gates. In order to further these ideals, CMU is proud to announce its latest project, the world's first free and open source driver's license.
Much like the GNU Public License (commonly known as GPL, or as I've recently taken to calling it, G+L), the open driver's license would use "strict copyleft". This means that, while anyone is free to derive their own copy of the license, this derivative license must also be free and open source. While making a driver's license available to every citizen, and noncitizen, and nonresident, and nonhuman entity, of Pennsylvania comes with some challenges, it also brings opportunity. "I like how I can customize so many of the details," said one 19 year old who we interviewed purchasing several cases of beer. At the scene of a tragic automobile crash just outside, we interviewed a 12-year old computer whiz, who was shaken and badly bruised, but very enthusiastic about the program.
Given the hugely positive reception of the open source driver's license, CMU is now looking into several spin-off projects, including MIT-licensed MIT engineering degrees.
ROTC caught building "stealth" booth
It seemed like a normal night at first to Scott Snuffy, an unassuming Dietrich student, until while walking home from a late-night recitation, he noticed something odd. "A wooden plank seemed to lift itself into the air, all on its own." Few believed him, until he tried recording the phenomenon on film. Once closely analyzed, a CMU forensics team discovered that the plank was in fact being lifted, but by a 19 year old in camoflage, disguised perfectly against the CFA parking lot.
Further investigation revealed something shocking: CMU's own detachment of the Army ROTC had been building an unauthorized booth entry, months before the start of the competition. Due to their extreme stealth, none noticed the progress, which was slow-going. By the time CMU police arrived, the ROTC booth had existed long enough that the cadets claimed squatter's rights, which they successfully defended in court. When interviewed on their plans for the booth, the cadets replied that they "mostly just do push-ups and talk in a German accent.
Carnegie Mellon Secedes!
In 1967, an offshore platform in the North Sea was seized by a pirate radio operator. This would become the Principality of Sealand, an unrecognized micronation. Recently, CMU's administration was struck with inspiration, and decided to secede from the United States, to form its own micronation.
The sovereign state of Carnegie-Mellon Republic (CMR) encompasses approximately 0.6 square kilometers, with a 4.8km border, soon to be secured with concrete walls with many bottle-cap-sized holes. Carnegie-Mellon is yet to establish diplomatic relations with any nations, minus one. Scotland has been receptive, and sent a bouquet of thistles to the CMR embassy in Edinburgh.
Carnegie-Mellon's government is set to be a constitutional republic, with a president and seven ministries. The Dietrich Ministry of Humanities and Social Sciences will be responsible for statecraft and international relations, and is currently working to draft a constitution. The Ministry of Fine Arts is writing a national anthem, which should be on Soundcloud by the end of the week.
The United States has been, as one press release described, "agitated." CIT has been redesignated as the Carnegie Institute of Defense, which is now working tirelessly to secure our borders against a confused and heartbroken US military. CMU Rocket Command has been vital in defending the skies above the Republic, and the Naval ROTC has quickly secured CMU's territorial waters.
No longer do CMU undergraduates aspire to work for the military industrial complex of the past; the Mellon Ministry of Science has established a state-run defense contractor, Lockheed Mellon, to put the Republic's brightest minds to work.
While CMR currently relies on imports for some products, a self-sufficient economy is a not-so-distant dream. Many of the former academic buildings within the state's borders are now being repurposed as indoor farms, and free from the burden of studying, those in the Tepper Ministry of Business are settling into jobs in agriculture, manufacturing, and distribution.
Vote Wean Hall!
With the 2024 US presidential election just weeks away, README is proud to announce that we're officially endorsing a candidate for the first time. It was a tough decision; on one side we have a candidate who did not fall out of a coconut tree, and on the other side, we have the star of the beloved Christmas movie "Home Alone 2: Lost in New York." Despite the strong partisan contenders, we have decided to endorse an independent candidate: our very own Wean Hall.
Wean Hall, built in 1971, is a 9-story brutalist structure just off of the Mall. Its running mate is Doherty Hall, built in a beaux-arts style so long ago that CMU doesn't seem any more certain than "the early 1900's." Doherty Hall is known for being old, confusing, and disorienting, which should be familiar to today's voters. The two have been attached at the hip since Wean Hall was built, so it comes as no surprise that they're sharing the ticket this election.
Wean Hall has promised that it has a "concrete plan", which has been criticized as "full of holes." Some of its policies include a strong pro-immigration stance, "as long as they pay tuition." When asked about the Israel-Palestine conflict, Wean Hall had this to say: "I strongly support the Starbucks boycott. I'm a La Prima kind of building." One policy which even we at Readme struggle to back is its support of increased plastic waste in the ocean. "People say I look like a turtle," a hidden microphone captured Wean Hall saying. "I actually fucking hate turtles."
While Wean Hall is a minor independent candidate at the moment, it's rising in the polls, and will face off against a worthy opponent tonight. A lively discussion is in store for us in a debate with William Henry Harrison, who's back on the Whig ticket. Despite its lack of political experience, Wean Hall has many underground connections, including to Scott, Newell, and Simon.
CMU discovers secret life of Wean Hall namesake
Wean Hall needs no introduction. As the sole brutalist structure on campus, its stark concrete facade gives an intimidating visage to the campus's hub for science and engineering. Many are vaguely aware of Raymond J Wean, founder of Wean Incorporated, and the namesake of Wean Hall, immortalized in a plaque on the wall of La Prima.
However, upon googling Raymond J Wean, one CMU official made a shocking discovery: Wean lived a double life, as a brutal enforcer for the Bonanno crime family. According to Wean's assigned FBI agent, "Wean was a psychopath. He would have killed you and not batted an eye." Wean once testified in court that he committed "roughly 200 crimes", despite never fully joining the ranks of the infamous crime family.
Wean Hall's namesake may come back to haunt it. Wean Hall is currently gaining in the polls as an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, but its progress has faltered since the news broke, despite an increase in campaign spending and the mysterious death of several of its rivals.
README buys Farnam's Hair? Cost of CMU Leader's Locks
In the days following README's bankruptcy, many questions have arisen, such as "how,” "why,” and "what's the difference between a marmot and a gopher.” The answer to at least two of these questions has recently come to light: Farnam's hair. It is still unclear why the hair of CMU's beloved president was sold in the first place, but it is now safely in storage in an undisclosed location on campus.
But just how much did it cost? Secret documents found stapled to the outside of Wean Hall identified the price as $5k per strand. "I just don't see why we agreed to pay the same price for every hair," one student's diary entry read. "Even the really short ones." A campaign by many in the KGB sought to instead use units of cumulative length, volume, or mass. One physics student suggested surface area. They were promptly expelled.
The hair is currently in a quart-size Ziploc bag in a secret location in Doherty Hall, while readMe staff discuss next steps. Some have suggested trading the hair back to Farnam in exchange for emeralds, to make a small profit. Others insist on making sweaters for the rabbits on campus. Farnam, who was observed Tuesday wearing a conspicuously tall top hat, promised to use the funds for the construction of a large hot tub beneath Hamerschlag Hall. It will feature a large bronze statue of Andrew Carnegie himself. Readme has submitted a bid to purchase the bronze representation of Mr. Carnegie's beard hair, which is currently pending, subject to approval for a high-interest predatory loan in Eshaan's name.
Industrious as always, readme's journalists are considering several proposals to profit off the hair, which is stored in the unlocked second closet from the right in the mall-side hallway on floor B of Doherty's basement, two shelves up. Pitched ideas include "compete with tortoise", "Farnam's locks sufficient to secure doors?", and "solve housing crisis".