"Save-a-tree" Bhat
Staff Writer
ChemE, 2028
Bio
Spokane's unfunniest engineer
Fun Fact
Definitely knows how to write
Previous Work
Quarantine after Pgh Connections Trip
The Office of Community Engagement and Leadership Development recently sponsored a kayaking trip on the Allegheny River for incoming freshmen. While it was overall successful (97% retention rate), some students had a bit of a scuffle with some geese while out on the water. Chaperones noted that three or four boats had fallen somewhat behind, and it was unclear what was causing the delay. One junior reported, “I could see the boats rocking back and forth, feathers were flying in the air, and a few minutes later we heard a splash. On the bus back, some of the people from those boats were saying they got bitten by the geese, and now they felt sick. As soon as we got back to campus, Health Services rushed them off the bus and we haven’t seen them since. Though, I swear I saw their necks lengthening over the half hour ride back. Probably nothing, though.”
CMU’s Health Services released this statement: “On Saturday, we had to quarantine 8 students due to waterborne gastrointestinal illness. We expect them to make a quick recovery. In the meantime, they will be provided with all necessary materials to continue their studies, which are of utmost importance. If you hear squawking sounds coming from the quarantine area, this is just the sound of students in excruciating pain. Similarly, the feathers scattered around the building are from a spontaneous pillow fight because the students are bored, not because of any wild animals running around the campus. That would be ridiculous.”
Readme investigators have been unable to reach any quarantined students, receiving only honking and a sound similar to wing flapping when calls were answered. When a Readme journalist attempted to find the quarantine room, they were pointed in the direction of what appeared to be an indoor wild fowl enclosure.
SCC preps for Carnival
As Carnival comes nearer, SCC’s heart has been squarely in the work getting Midway ready for students, alumni, and lost geese to have a fun and safe experience. They’ve been toiling away for weeks, and here at Readme, we forgive them for their foolish tendencies, like their tardiness on literally all of the important deadlines (it’s hard to keep track with the time zones) or their cowardliness in the face of rain. SCC only gets about 17 inches of rain per year, in comparison to Pittsburgh’s 43.
As the building of booths on Midway continued, Readme checked up on SCC to make sure they knew what they were doing. SCC released this statement: “Now that we know what a booth is, we are prepared to inspect booths and dispense wisdom to the builders of Midway.” Of course, they're pretty far from the action, so they'll need their Midway watch shift to keep an eye on things for them. And if they don’t have the tools or PPE that builders need, tough luck. The city only gives them so much money.
SCC is excited to have some awesome buggy races this year. While no SCC staff have seen a buggy in person before, they swear they know how the races work. One staff member reported “The much anticipated buggy races will be…wait what do you mean there are people inside? They chose to be there? Of their own free will?” SCC is reportedly revising their plans to have a “bumper car” category in Sweepstakes.
We thank Spokane Community College for their hard work and dedication to providing an amazing Carnival experience for the whole CMU community.
Some Popular Books
Where the Wild Things Are: 10/10. This mind-blowing pocket guide, published by Readme itself, assists sun-deprived, fun-deprived, perpetual studiers such as yourself in touching grass around campus. With directions to secret locations, such as “The Cut,” you’ll find yourself getting more Vitamin D this semester than ever before.
This guide includes a detailed map of Doherty Hall, soon to be recognized as a National Endangered Animal Refuge, due to its status as the home of the Doherty Creature. It also has step by step instructions to approaching the Creature without losing limbs, ligaments, or livers. It also provides dozens of groovy activities in the event that you find yourself outdoors. Watch the sunrise, before it starts happening too early to drag yourself out of bed. Throw snowballs at Tepper students. Be a part of Carnegie Mellon history by hurtling a funny shaped vehicle down the hills of Pittsburgh every weekend. Do you enjoy waking up at the crack of dawn to haul a boat up and down a river? Join CMU’s Rowing Club! Participate in the timeless CMU tradition of painting the fence (Side effects include: hypothermia, chronic sleep deprivation, having fun, joint pain, talking to real humans, and lead poisoning)! Do you enjoy sports inspired by pie tins? Try Ultimate Frisbee Club! Are you really lazy, and looking for something to watch while you eat lunch? Watch “Strangers Playing Tennis!” Five points for every audible grunt, ten points whenever the guy in the blue shirt drops his racket– riveting stuff. All that, or you can be a killjoy and “study.” Whatever.
You need to touch grass, and Readme is here for you. Get your copy of “Where the Wild Things Are” today.
Animal Farm: 2/10. This book is marketed as “the common man’s guide to managing a farm”, but when I tried following the directions as stated, my pigs started oppressing each other and the sheep wouldn't stop chanting.
Carnegie Mellon to offer new exchange programs
If the news here in the US of A is starting to get to you, don’t fear. CMU has announced two new exchange programs so you can get the hell out of here, at least for a year.
By popular demand, the CMU-CMU program will be opening next year, allowing students to visit Central Martian University, which boasts similarly rigorous coursework, groundbreaking research labs, and even the opportunity to participate in a few research studies yourself. CMU students will be able to participate in many exciting activities on the CMU campus such as sticking electrodes to yourself and letting the Martians watch you do things, accomplishing tasks such as mazes and puzzles, and getting injected with brand-new Martian medicine! Your “professors” may have to take your vitals every 10 minutes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy your time at CMU. Take some time to run around the specially designed “Human Social Interaction Observation Area” with your fellow exchange students, or get a brain chip installed just for fun. Tell your friends and family about the new CMU-CMU program (anyone can go! They just need to be human!).
CMU’s own “Conspiracy Theory TikTokers with Backwards Baseball Caps Association” is offering a study abroad program at the Ice Wall. For those unfamiliar with this clear sign of NASA’s deception, the Ice Wall is what keeps us from falling off the edge of the world (which is flat, of course). If you thought Antarctica existed, congratulations, you’re a sheep. Wake up and see that all the governments in the world, including the US, Russia, and China, have all been collaborating just to keep us from the facts. In this program, you’ll be able to do thought-provoking experiments, such as sending satellites up into the atmosphere, which includes an added seminar of How To Manipulate Your Data So It Proves Your Point. Acceptance into the program requires a QAnon account, a subscription to InfoWars, and a signed waiver stating that you accept the risks of being that close to the edge of the Earth. Participants must bring their own tinfoil hat.
Manifest Destiny Doesn't Work in Europe
CMU students in exchange programs throughout Europe have made a shocking discovery. The great American pastime of manifesting destiny is, while not unheard of, frowned upon by most of Europe. Pioneering American students tried many popular manifest destiny strategies, but none of them seemed to work.
Manifest destiny has come a long way in recent years. Gone are the days of dysentery, cholera, cannibalism, and people saying “hey stop taking my homeland!”. But the essence of the doctrine remains: this land is our land, and anyone who isn’t American, doesn’t speak English, eats with their hands, or worships idols is a barbarian, and needs to go back to where they came from. CMU continues this proud tradition, hoping to expand its influence to yet another continent, after CMU Africa went so well.
Unfortunately, the Europeans have not taken this well at all. CMU students were threatened by angry natives when they tried even an eensy weensy bit of colonization. Readme took statements from multiple students of various backgrounds. One British student complained, “They’re taking our ideas- the Americans learned colonization from us!”. A Spanish student remarked, “Si continúan, recuperaré Florida personalmente.” A Belgian student declined to comment.
Readme Travel Blog: Honeymoon Edition!
EXCLUSIVE: Readme has shared moments from their honeymoon with the Reader at a mysterious island getaway (Readme is on the run from the authorities for alleged “terrorism” in last week’s issue). The two used a private paper airplane to hop between exciting destinations around the world such as [redacted] and [redacted]. They were able to relax, enjoy delicious foods, explore the beaches, gaze into the sunset, and engage in police chases.
Crystals for home improvement
2025 is sure to be quite a stressful year, and Readme is here to help. With the guidance of nature’s most magical healing entities, become one with the spirits and dispel the cockroaches in your dorm. The healing crystal techniques described here have been used since the dawn of Carnegie Mellon University, by thousands of anxious, imbalanced, and incredibly unhinged students.
You may be wondering where to put your crystals. Consider hanging them in your fridge, giving your roommates a fun little surprise when they go looking for the glowing petri dishes of mold colonies they stashed in there last night. Put them near the sink, to remind you that while you may have to get up at the crack of dawn for your 8:00 am, you still have shiny things. Wear them as a necklace, bracelet, or ring, so people can ask about them and you can tell them about the weird crystal thing you’ve gotten into. While you’re at it, tell them how Mercury is in the second house, and Saturn is in retrograde, and how this means they should drop out of school to sell essential oils with you. Scatter them throughout your drawers so when it comes time to clean out your dorm, you can remember that crystal phase you went through in January. Throw them wherever you like, really, because when will you have time to clean? Put them in the microwave, just to see what happens. It’s for science.
Of course, you can’t put your crystals anywhere if you don't have them. One strategy is to go outside and take shiny rock because pretty. You can also buy your crystals at the most reputable crystal peddler in all of the internet (Expensive Crystals to Take Your Money). If you do, make sure to check for these fan favorites.
Wakeup-alite: Redbull in stone form. Tired of using up all your flex dollars on caffeinated drinks, only to pass out at 11:00 pm? Use this stone to keep you awake and pumping out essays 24/7. Despite what everyone tells you, you don’t actually need sleep to function. Now you can take the 103 units you wanted.
Toiletpaperaline: Magically rearranges the toilet paper. Everyone knows the only right way to put the toilet paper on is over, not under. This is a good crystal to kindly offer your roommate.
CanIhavethoseoreos-alite: Makes others share their snacks with you. However, when used in abundance, greedy crystal hoarders have been gravely injured by fruit, hardtack, and other dense snacks flying at their faces. Stay safe out there.
Noeyecontact-anite: Prevents you from accidentally making eye contact with people tabling on the cut. Sometimes you don’t want to be roped into the latest fundraiser or activity, or perhaps you don’t want to wake up at 4:00 am to be stuffed into a buggy and accelerated to high speeds. Use this gemstone to steal a quick glance at the table without being ensnared.
Getthehelloutofhere-inite: Removes people from the library table or classroom you wanted to use. You walked all the way there, you should be able to use it. Those hooligans can beat it.
Heydontrunmeover-ilite: Stops cars from running you over when you jaywalk across Forbes Avenue. Now that those four-wheeled jokemobiles are stalled, you can jaywalk, moonwalk, or catwalk across the road.
Thesearemyshiniesforme-anine: Of course, the biggest danger to your crystals is the magpies infesting our beloved campus. Use this gem to keep your shiny objects safe from these disgusting creatures.
How to Acquire and Care for Schrödinger’s Cat
So you want to get a cat, but that’s too easy. You want a pet that exists in a superposition of living and dead- a pet that makes your science friends think you’re cool. Thankfully, there is a solution. Schrödinger’s Cat is becoming wildly popular amongst college students at medium-sized urban Western-Pennsylvanian universities, of which CMU is the most illustrious. While it may seem complicated to acquire one, Readme has you covered. We can’t guarantee that the cat will survive the ordeal you will put it through, but you’ll have the cat in your possession, that’s for sure.
The first thing you need to do is find a cat. Generally, these can be found in shelters, from breeders, in the Schlounge, and on the streets. These options vary in price range, type of cat, safety, vibes, and fluffiness, but it really doesn’t matter. Next, you’ll need to put the cat in a box. As I understand it, cats enjoy cardboard boxes- they delight in ignoring a new toy only to shower their affection upon a piece of pressed and dried wood pulp. Make sure it’s a decently sized box, because if by chance the cat is alive, it might want to roam around a bit.
Once the cat is in the box, add one flask of radioactive poison, attached to a Geiger counter such that if radioactive decay is detected, the flask is broken, poisoning and killing the cat. This poison is extremely easy to acquire, just ask Jeff behind the counter. Add some cozy touches to the cat’s new home by putting a litter box, a mouse toy, a scratching post, and some snacks into the box. Once the cat is situated in its new home, close the box and don’t peek inside. Looking would spoil the fun. Now sit there and think about the cat. Is it dead? Is it alive? You don’t know. Bring your friends over to think about it too.
Now that you’ve thought about the cat for a while, it’s time to feed it. The cat is simultaneously alive and dead at the same time, according to the Copenhagen interpretation, so by a simple calculation (an alive cat requires x cups of food, a dead cat requires 0 cups of food, take the average of the two), you should add x/2 cups of food to the box. Make sure to close your eyes while doing this, as observing the cat would resolve reality and therefore not be cool to your science friends. By the same logic, you should put a dish of water in the box.
There are a few tasks to perform in the case of a dead cat. Because the cat is simultaneously dead and alive, you’ll need to prepare for its funeral as you feed it, provide water, and entertain it. Order a nice headstone, dig it a decent grave (a recent study notes that 2’x1.5’x6’ is the optimal grave size for the average cat). Make sure to allow a good-sized opening at the top of the grave, because it needs to be able to leave, since it’s also alive. Tell your roommates that the kitty “went to go live on a farm”, because it would be insensitive to tell them the cat is dead. Apologize to your roommates for the hairball noises in the middle of the night, alive cats do that sometimes.
Schrödinger’s Cat can provide a fun experience, companionship, emotional catharsis, and a box full of kitty litter for everyone.
Readme Reviews
Readme knows you don’t have time to read books just for funsies. So we did the work for you. Enjoy these thorough, accurate, and detailed reviews of popular titles.
50 Shades of Grey: 10/10. This wonderful collection of paint samples was a great help to me when deciding what color to paint my dorm room. The author has compiled a lengthy list of beautiful shades for interior and exterior decorators alike.
Part 1 begins with a section of nearly-white shades, gradually fades into bright winter grays, and finishes with a set of dry stone hues. This thrilling beginning keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole way through. The absence of protagonist, antagonist, or plot at all does nothing to dampen the excitement, and in fact, only increases the suspense.
Part 2 echoes the first by starting out with a lovely Coventry Gray, moving quickly into the famed Gosling Grey, a timeless classic. The book takes a sharp twist midway through, however, by diverting to shades of blue-gray, an unexpected addition by the author. This alternate storyline continues with green-grey and even some brownish hues, but eventually makes its way back to a Classic French Gray. Part 3 finishes the book by transitioning a dark, serious, Harbor Gray into a near-black Charcoal Grey. From start to finish, the book provided plenty of excitement and anticipation, leaving the reader wondering what new shades of grey will be arriving in the expected sequel, 50 More Shades of Gray. Stay on the lookout for “The Color Purple” in the next issue!
James and the Giant Peach: 3/10. The peach wasn’t big enough.
CMU announces new set of steam tunnels
Everyone knows the current CMU steam tunnels are dangerous and off-limits. Due to the harsh, cold, and miserable winter weather, Readme has taken it upon itself to dig new, safer steam tunnels so students can maneuver between buildings without stepping out into the elements. Readme’s dedicated new interns, led by the ever faithful Meat, toiled day and night for many moons to have these tunnels finished for their dear readers, so please use them, we’re begging you! (We know it’s not perfect, but they didn’t let us have any breaks and we’ve been surviving on Celsius and saltine crackers, just let us have this).
The new steam tunnels boast state-of-the-art heating and cooling, 12% less asbestos, and are perfectly legal to travel through, as long as you get a signed document from President Farnam Jahanian for every trip. They connect every building to every other building at CMU, except Donner House. So now, if you enter Doherty 1117, go through a trapdoor, climb a ladder, solve a material balance, and order a hard apple cider at La Prima (Gates) you may descend into the vast new steam tunnels, where you’ll find a whole world of magnificence, entertainment, and rats awaiting you in the darkness.
The new steam tunnels let students emerge at convenient spots around campus, such as directly in front of President Jahanian’s office, in the line at Hunan Express, atop the Hamerschlag Radio Tower, and inside the Tartan Express food truck. Readme hopes this will minimize traffic congestion near such areas and promote a safer, calmer environment aboveground.
With winter weather fast approaching, it’s important to keep warm and cozy while traversing campus between classes. To promote a festive and cheerful atmosphere, Readme will be hosting weekly events in the new steam tunnels, celebrating the new year, Carnegie Mellon, life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Our first activity will be finding the three interns we lost during construction. Find us in the new steam tunnels at 5 pm on Saturdays!
Scotty Dog to Race at 2025 Carnival
The Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures is proud to announce that their 2025 buggy driver will be none other than our beloved mascot, Scotty the Scotty dog. Readme spoke with a member of the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, who chose to remain anonymous for official Association purposes (and not because this reporter forgot to take their name). The spokesman was quick to clarify, “This endeavour is completely legal. There is no rule prohibiting a Scotty dog from driving a buggy.” In response to criticism that a dog driving a buggy was too far fetched, the Association stated, “We were told it was impawsible for a dog to win buggy, but the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures doesn’t back down when it gets ruff.” In unrelated news, the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures has submitted a formal request for peanut butter and bacon treats at Carnival. CMU often has a shortage of small Asian women around Carnival time, so to the Carnegie Association of Networking and Involvement in Necessary Expenditures, it seemed natural to try something new. Readme attempted to look into past entries of other animals in buggy competitions, but was quickly informed we were barking up the wrong tree. Many Readme readers may be curious about the design of the buggy. Unconfirmed reports suggest the buggy may be painted in the style of Pittsburgh’s own Andy Warhowl. No matter the outcome of the race, rest assured that Scotty will go down in buggy history as a “good boy.” Spectators are welcome to come cheer him on in the cutest race in CMU history.