Mihir Deshpande
Staffwriter
Something in SCS and robbing banks, SCS '28
Bio
I'm the guy who didn't know Pittsburgh had rivers for most of his freshman year.
Fun Fact
I never broke a bone (yet)
Previous Work
Interwar Update
Once again, we’d like to thank you, dear reader, for continuing to stick with readMe through these turbulent times. You probably never imagined that the US government would declare us illegal, but alas, much like cocaine and alcohol before us, it seems like Uncle Sam has a penchant for criminalizing what gives the populace joy. We had always worried that our affiliation with a “KGB” might someday cast unwarranted suspicion on us, though. We’d like to explain how we’re relatively harmless, but the Kennedy administration is refusing to hear us out. Until that time, you'll just have to bear with us as we navigate these turbulent times.
On a more positive note, our Readeasies have been doing spectacularly well as of late. Our numbers have gone up 50% since our last issue, and word-of-mouth will only make that number grow higher. We always hoped that Readeasies would be fun experiences for the whole family, and it seems like we have succeeded more than we thought possible. In particular, the cage matches between writers who missed their deadlines have been quite the moneymaker. It is thanks to you, loyal reader, that readMe can continue to be enjoyed by all.
We hope that you will come again when we publish our next issue on the 28th. Hopefully all this effort won't be needed by then. We’ve recently hired an independent contractor to speak with the President on our behalf, so we hope his expertise can let us nip the issue in the bud. We have very high hopes for Mr. Oswald in his meeting next week.
If that doesn’t pan out or it takes too long for the paperwork to process, the next password will be “Vladimir”. We hope to see you again next time!
Making Money on Campus
The unfortunate financial situation you’re in is not uncommon among new students. You may have managed to get into CMU — yippee! — but you had to give up your life savings and right arm in order to pay tuition. While Valentine’s Day will never be the same with the loss of your right arm, there’s a pretty reliable solution to the loss of your life savings. That solution, also applicable to most of life’s problems, is drugs.
It is a well known fact that CMU boasts the highest number of student drug addicts on this side of the Mississippi. However, due to the fact that the average CMU student tends to look like a complete narc, nearly all major drug dealers refuse to sell to us. In addition, most of the older students here have already spent too much time in this hellhole to risk losing it all. That is where you, my dear freshman, can come in to fill the market. So long as you know what to sell and who to sell it to, you’ll be rich in no time.
Drug preferences at CMU are a very fickle thing, and you don’t want your product to be something no one wants to buy. For example, depressants are a no-go; no one would ever bother to buy those when they can just take concepts. On the opposite end, people here go rabid for stimulants. It's well-documented that in the first year or so of attending, most CMU students grow completely immune to caffeine. Thus, cocaine has earned itself the name Carnegie Sugar™ on campus as the most popular caffeine replacement. I’d recommend being (or recruiting) a chem major as your supplier.
As for who to sell it to, there are a few groups you can target, either for one-time sales or hopefully gain permanent customers. Fence-painters are a prime target; it’s very common for at least one of their picnic tables to be covered with lines of coke. Just sell them a batch as they start painting, and hopefully you can negotiate to continue to provide whilst they guard the fence. They win because they can stay awake, and you win because, as long as there isn’t a political message being painted, CMUPD is unlikely to see. In a similar vein are Buggy organizations. When it comes to those sad people, as long as you’re willing to wake up early every weekend from mid-September to Carnival, you’ll make thousands.
I would be remiss to not warn you of the greatest danger this line of business has: other freshmen. The murder of competition is a common occurrence on campus; if the fence is painted red, a free and abundant paint alternative was likely used. Needless to say, don’t try to sell to a fellow freshman unless you want to be used to paint the fence. You must also be willing to get your own hands dirty, too. Try looking around to see if anyone else is reading this article; if someone is, then they are a rival. Speak to them, befriend them, and when the moment is right, end them. If you're lucky, you might have cause to make your double a single.
Now the only problem you have left is laundering your money, but just get a Tepper student to do it for you. It’s not like they have anything better to do.
People you don't want to be alone in a booth with
A serial killer
A cereal killer (if you’re a box of Froot Loops®)
A cobra (SigEp is really putting in the work)
An IRS agent (who actually pays their taxes?)
A Jehovah’s Witness (now they have a way to solicit on-campus)
That guy who watches me through my window while I sleep
An older brother (the bane of many people’s [mine included] existences)
A United Airlines staff member (if Carnival is overfilled)
A human trafficker (if, unlike me, you have strength or sex appeal)
Your stalker
A smooth criminal
That friendly guy you know whose name you feel guilty for not knowing
A Boeing exec (if you're a Boeing whistleblower)
A Mario character (if you're a Boeing, or any company, exec)
Shou Tucker (if you have a dog)
John Wilkes Booth (if you have a beard and top-hat)
Medusa (if you somehow don't struggle to make eye contact with people)
A WZ-120 - Type 59 - tank (COMMENT REDACTED BY THE CCP)
SCP-682
Rabbit of Caerbannog (if you seek the Holy Grail)
Creeper (aww man)
A SCS Student (leading cause of phantosmia in the United States)
Funny Pranks We Legally Can't Tell You To Pull During Carnival
Pulling pranks is great, just yesterday I pulled a hilarious prank where I put opioids in a guy’s beer. With Carnival leading to all kinds of people being out and about on campus, it's the perfect time for a little fun. But maybe you’re tired of the same old boring schtick of screaming “FIRE” or yelling at hungover people through a megaphone. Not to worry, for the past thousand years I have been honing myself in the art doing a little trolling. So, let me tell you some of my favorite gags and gaffs to pull at Carnival.
First is a classic, the SWAT call. It’s incredibly easy to pull off: call 911, say that someone has a bomb and is threatening to blow up the university, pretend to panic, hang up, then grab some popcorn and watch. Pretty quickly (depending on how many other pranks are occurring that day), there’ll be a full SWAT team, armed and ready to kill on sight. After enjoying watching everyone freak out for a bit, you can inform them it was “just a prank bro.” That automatically acts as a legal Get Out of Jail Free Card, so you can just laugh along with everyone about your funny joke - no harm, no foul. I personally have pulled this prank on friends, neighbors, churches, lemonade stands, and my high school before I was expelled. So I can guarantee it'll always land.
If you really want people to have their eyes on you, streaking is THE tried and true method. Doing this is even easier than a SWAT call: just take off all your clothes and run faster than CMUPD. This is guaranteed to draw the eyes of roaming students, alumni, parents, and children at Carnival, who’ll all be mesmerized by the hilarity of your joke. I can personally attest that the sight of someone running from CMUPD in their birthday suit always draws laughs. It’s a prank that can be enjoyed by everyone, some enjoying much more than others. Concerned about revealing yourself to not be very well-endowed? No worries, just get absolutely wasted; that always solves my self-confidence issues. Last year I did this at my local Elementary school and everyone loved it. They all couldn't stop screaming with laughter.
Perhaps you really want to get an emotional reaction though. This isn't something I personally enjoy, but all you sadists may derive great pleasure from this. You've all probably seen those videos where people ask other people to do challenges, and then they reward them with large amounts of money for completion. Then there’s also some tear jerking bit about how the money will change their lives or whatnot. So, what you do is that you give them some really difficult to complete challenges (run a mile under ten minutes, walk across burning coals, etc.). Then when they finish, you bounce. Either just don't give them money or, if you're really sinister, just give them fake money to still get that emotional reaction. It’ll be just like those fake challenge videos online, except this time only the money is fake.
Finally, the last prank I can tell you about is a time honored CMU tradition, gazorching. Don't know what gazorching is, just ask any member of staff or alumni; I'm sure they'd be happy to tell you. There isn't even a requirement to use water; I’ve found paint, hydrofluoric acid, mustard gas, agent orange, and radon to all be easy to obtain and extra effective as ammo. Gazorching already has the bonus of being a world-famous thing, so no one will be upset at all. So go and gazorch all over the place! (This article was paid for by CMU Advocates for Gazorching)
Kirby's Adventure NES Review
If you’re a masochist looking for a reason to bash your head against a wall for five hours straight, then Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is the game for you. This eldritch abomination of a video game is the sole reason my NES is currently shoved in a dumpster.
Firstly, the story is just pitiful. There are only three characters (and one twist villain) that have any importance, everyone else is just irrelevant. The game’s “twist” villain is not foreshadowed at all and is just a pitiful excuse to attempt to redeem the game’s main antagonist, King Dedede, who I’ll remind you in the previous title literally stole all of Dreamland’s food. I wasn’t expecting a Red Dead Redemption 2-level story, but something of substance would’ve been appreciated. Where are the ancient civilizations, alternate dimensions, tales of loss and grief, and eldritch gods? I’d assume at the very least Kirby would have an interesting backstory, but no, he just “blew in on a Spring breeze.”
All of this isn’t even mentioning the abhorrent gameplay. The controls are slippery and unintuitive. Why are floating and jumping separate buttons? Why can’t you just press jump and start floating midjump with the same button? It would make platforming so much smoother. And don't get me started on the inconsistent mess that's inhaling. Kirby can normally only inhale enemies his size — fine — but then why can he inhale minibosses twice his size after they’ve been defeated? Also, some enemies his size can’t be inhaled for whatever reason. Shotzos, Scarfys, Gordos, and Meta Knight are all Kirby’s size yet for some reason he can’t inhale them. Where’s the consistency?
All that's not even mentioning the copy abilities, a promising idea that is poorly executed. They are woefully unbalanced; sword and hammer are objectively the best abilities. They both allow for full movement range, can execute midair attacks, can do fast and consistent damage to all enemies, and even work underwater. The rest either make you freeze in place when you use them (spark and fire), force you to move potentially into pits (wheel and fireball), don't work on bosses (throw and backdrop), or are just plain bad (sleep).
In addition, the game itself is unfairly balanced. It looks innocent on the box, but right from the get-go, the game immediately taunts your lack of artistic skill with its opening (I spent five fucking hours trying to follow that damn tutorial). And once gameplay starts, it only gets worse. Bosses are either a cakewalk with a good copy ability or a super boring waiting game of “wait for them to do an inhalable attack and hope you aren’t on the wrong side of the screen or it’ll disappear.” Levels are plagued by unintuitive enemy placement and control issues, leading to multiple unfair deaths. The side minigames are also straight-up unfair. Beating King Dedede in Quick Draw is nigh impossible unless you can see the future and Crane Fever is rigged (if the big Kirby plush spawns the back you’re just screwed).
The game also runs like garbage. Parts of the sprites disappear constantly, and god forbid you or an enemy use spark or freeze; the game’s framerate will plummet lower than the Wii U’s sales. I found myself getting game-overs constantly due to framerate issues combined with slippery controls. And of course, when you get a game over you have to restart the entire world all over again.
Art-style-wise, a pixel art game from a big publisher like Nintendo is just sad. Also, why is Kirby pink? I’ve always headcanonned him as yellow—it just felt right. He’s also a bit too cutesy for my liking; maybe it’s because I’m American, but I think he’d be more marketable if he was more aggressive-looking.
The games director, Masakado Sakurai, is clearly incapable of creating a good game. Anyway, for my final conclusion: Kirby’s Adventure for the Nintendo Entertainment System is a short, charming, and fun time well worth playing. This game gets a 9/10 from me.
SCS Students to join call centers en masse
This afternoon the Office of International Education in collaboration with the School of Computer Science announced an exciting opportunity for all Computer Science majors. Students will be given the opportunity to provide Microsoft tech support in various call centers throughout India. This will provide them hands-on experience with both programming and customer interaction.
The system will work as follows, students will be hired at any one of the many call centers located throughout India. From there, they will be tasked to call overseas customers and, with their computer science experience, provide quality technical support. Recent statistics show that over 75% of Microsoft laptops and computers in the United States are infected with some form of computer viruses, so the help these students can provide is invaluable. To make sure the students don’t attempt to commit any wrongdoing whilst doing tech support, another call center employee will also be on the call under a pseudonym (for anonymity) and will be remotely accessing the client’s machine to make sure no wrongdoing is being committed.
Students will be expected to find their accommodations and transportation. They are also advised to expect daily hour and a half long commutes, even if their accommodations are only three miles away. However, the call centers have promised that they will cover any rickshaw costs, with students only needing to bring a receipt from the service to get compensation.
Any student who wishes to apply must have at least completed a course on the level of 15-122. In addition, mandatory training courses on how to do a Microsoft Tech Support accent and developing spice resistance are also required. It's also recommended that students who can't survive without steak, have pale skin, don't like livestock, don't like scamming the elderly, and are racist do not apply.
New Squatter's Lawn Competition begins
The U.S. Department of Housing and Development is proud to announce a new initiative to help deal with the growing problem of squatters. Starting at the beginning of February will be the All-American Best-Kept Squatter’s Lawn Competition. The idea is fairly simple, after close coordination with local police departments all over the country multiple squatters throughout the northern areas of the country have been located. Rather than try to go through the cumbersome, unliberal, and frankly un-American battle of forcing them out of their homes, they have been offered a chance to show how much they care about their new homes.
Toward the end of February, legendary garden enthusiast Joe Gardener will take a tour throughout the American North to rate and judge all of the competitors' gardens. They will be judged based on the following criteria: size, healthiness, aesthetics, and of course a baseline standard of softness; no one likes a cold and rigid plant. The winner will be given full legal ownership of the home in which they have been squatting. The losers will promptly and swiftly be disposed of.
For any neighbors worried about potentially having to permanently live next to an unsavory individual, as part of the coordination with the local police property rights for those individuals have been temporarily revoked for the duration of the competition. Essentially, squatters will receive no police aid during events of vandalism, harassment, arson threats, being in an HOA neighborhood, etc. Thus neighbors can also use this as an opportunity to help bring their local communities together too.
We hope that this competition will both help to bring people together as well as help squatters treat both their abodes and their lives better. (Note if there are no gardens able to meet the minimum score to win, all competitors will be deemed losers)
How to 'Home Alone' your dorm
Do you have an important exam coming up and cannot tolerate interruptions? Worry not, using these suggestions and your creativity you won’t ever have to worry about a roommate getting in your way again.
For those unaware Home Alone is a heartwarming family movie about a young Jigsaw brutally torturing and mutilating two unsuspecting anti-plumbers who tried to enter his home. Taking inspiration from the traps in that classic you too can keep your roommate out from entering your dorm(or at least from entering your dorm again).
The first trap is a classic: the incinerating door handle. If your dorm is anything like mine, a metal door handle needs to be turned to open the door. The average college student is estimated to own at least two blow torches for crème brûlée, so heating one to cause a second-degree burn should be a cinch.
If that didn’t deter your roommate and they successfully entered your room, the next item would typically be the tacks or toy cars. However, your roommate would likely have shoes on. Thus, I recommend having a glue trap right at the entrance to remove the shoes. After that, a few rusty nails sticking up would be very cost-effective.
Let’s suppose all that still hasn’t kept your surprisingly determined roommate out, trust me, I get it. Luckily there is one last trap I can draw inspiration from, the Tommy gun trap. However, if your roommate has made it this far it’s clear that either they’re a masochist or are just really determined to stop you from studying. Now, according to a quick Google search I did when 18 in Pennsylvania one can legally own a semi-automatic rifle. In addition, for the sake of plausible deniability, I have not bothered to look at the CMU housing rules. All I’ll say is that this has proven to be the most effective method of keeping my roommate out.
Of course, these are only a few of the limitless ideas you can come up with. From personal experience, chlorine gas, electric shocks, and cyanide shampoos are all also effective approaches. Just remember, when an A is on the line, sometimes you have to put on your best slasher smile.
US Gov't to seize coal from stockings
Last week the US Department of Energy announced a new plan to obtain more fossil fuels. It is estimated that nearly 75% of America’s youth is on Santa’s naughty list(rising juvenile crime rates, internet challenges, and brain rot have been attributed as the main reasons for this). Thus if one assumes the average lump of coal to weigh around a half pound, that is over 27 million pounds of coal to be used as energy.
Due to this, on Christmas Day the US government will deploy around 38,000 soldiers on holiday leave to seize all of the coal. Worth noting is the fact the government is allowed to deploy those soldiers due to expertly placed “loopholes” in their contracts. All of the confiscated coal is to then be sent to fossil fuel energy facilities around the states they are seized from.
The Department of Energy is hopeful for the high yields in energy that can be gained by seizing this much coal, and there are rumored preparations to create a new “Burn the Flags of Non-US Countries Challenge” to hopefully increase the number of naughty kids to take coal from in 2025.
Tax Guide for Santa's Presents
After much confusion and arrests during last year’s Christmas, the IRS has decided to release an official tax guide for any presents received from Santa. This will be a comprehensive 50-page guide listing all the various rules for how to declare these presents, factoring things like value, type, Christmas spirit, and foreign import regulations. The IRS is hopeful that this will clear up any confusion regarding the rules surrounding Present Tax and also create enough confusion to be able to issue many fines to a(hopefully large) number of violators.
Ethics final causes moderate ruckus
Over the past few weeks, local shooting ranges have been seeing an increase in CMU student patronage. According to onsite readme reporters, a number of students are taking time out of their weekends to practice at the pistol range.
Many members of reAdme speculate that this may be related to the new philosophy course, 80420: Introduction to Practical Ethics. As opposed to a standard sitdown exam, 80420 utilizes a practical final exam in order to determine a students’ final grade. According to an anonymous whistleblower in the class, the contents of the final have all test takers situated in a lecture hall facing each other. Each student will then be supplied a pistol with a single bullet loaded and the safety off. When the exam starts, test takers are forced to choose one of two choices: to shoot, or not to shoot. Should participants choose to shoot another student, the student responsible for the shooting will earn an A for the semester. However, should a student abstain from shooting, they will earn a D. Shootees will be given 10% off of their next purchase at the Carnegie Mellon University Bookstore, and families of those who have passed will be gifted a free Carnegie Mellon University branded casket.
Polls taken by readMe’s field officers outside shooting ranges indicate a large majority of student patrons are indeed registered for 80420. However, readers should note that correlation does not equal causation. It is also possible that students are preparing themselves to defend against burglary. Astute readers will recall the attempted burglary on Walnut Street just a couple weeks prior, where the assailant was armed with a knife and Zelle™©. ReadmE encourages all readers to stay safe and vigilant on the lawless streets of Forbes and Fifth Ave.
Help Wanted: Password Guesses
As all of you astute readers are likely aware of by this point, your favorite factual news source readMe is going through a mild financial crisis. Luckily, readMe was always aware of this possibility, and four years ago the editor stored a nest egg(courtesy of a friendly local business), just in case we got into a situation like this. It was kept secure instead of nuke-proof safe.
Unfortunately, it appears as though someone recycled the paper we had the code written down, and no one presently enslaved by readMe can count greater than three digits. Luckily, that's where you come in.
If you manage to meet the sole requirement of being able to count four digits, we need you to help us guess the password of the readMe safe. You don’t even need hands, so long as you can use your nose or feet to push the buttons.
As of writing, we have two employees working round-the-clock shifts inputting numbers. Every time three wrong inputs are entered in a row the safe emits a high-voltage electric shock, so there has been a lot of time wasted with emergency medical care.
The chief editor has personally promised to pay all of the guessers out-of-pocket once the safe is open. In addition, whoever winds up guessing the right password will be given a bonus.
Attached to this listing is a picture of the contents of the safe taken four years ago, as evidence that the nest egg does exist. If you are interested, please go to cmureadme.com for more info.
README Insurance Scam Comes to Light
Last night readMe’s very own chief editor Eshaan Joshi was extradited by the Trudeau administration under several counts of insurance fraud. It was found that for the past three years he has been claiming several life insurance policies from readMe staff along with abusing Canada's generous healthcare policy.
The police investigation is still ongoing as to whether he claimed the insurance, but from what is known it seems there are several clauses in readMe’s employment contract written in white font. One of these makes Eshaan the claimant of the signer’s life insurance. It seems that this then led him to murder a bunch of the members to claim the money.
His known murders were meant to seem like natural causes in order to not raise suspicion. So far we only know the details of a couple murders. _ _ _ was drugged with Fentanyl and had an overdose faked. _ _ _ was killed in an arranged drunk driving incident. _ _ _ slipped on an intentionally placed banana peel in front of a table saw. _ _ _ had their bathwater swapped with fluoroantimonic acid. _ _ _ was shot 14 times in the chest. _ _ _ had their major swapped to computer science. All of these natural-seeming deaths were overlooked by the CMU PD when they happened.
This is creating legal troubles for him now as all of the grieving families have banded together to, in legal terms, “sue the everloving shit out of him”. He also faces criminal charges for his life insurance fraud.
He also took full advantage of Canada’s healthcare policies by embedding rusty nails into the keyboards of the readMe writers. He allegedly had an extreme free-healthcare fetish, so he would masturbate to the free hospital bills of the writers.
Eshaan has declined to be interviewed.
Currently for all of his crimes Eshaan is facing four counts of capital punishment, with a hearing scheduled in two months. However, the courts are uncertain about this sentence due to worries that he may attempt to claim his own life insurance posthumously.
