Maximillian Bartholemow VIII
Staffwriter
Juris Doctor, Oxford Faculty of Law, 1999
Bio
Born to a wealthy landowning family in Surrey, England, Maximillian Bartholemew III, is our highly esteemed lawyer. After graduating at the top of his class at Oxford University with a degree in international law, Sir Bartholemew committed himself to our proletarian cause, spreading truth to the masses, highly nobly. As we all know very well, those who speak with upmost sincerity find themselves the target of “defamation lawsuits”, “copyright infringements”, and “cease-and-desist letters”, and we thus find ourselves in dire need of a savior like Sir. Bartholemew.
(Close acquaintances are permitted to refer to our revered nobleman as ‘Max Barty’, but that name is also authorized to be used at cocaine-fueled yacht parties, which our honor often attends)
Fun Fact
My great great grandfather was a major figure in the North Atlantic telegraph-line laying industry
Previous Work
So-called “Platform for Free Speech” Against Freedom of Painting with Balls
It is with a heavy heart and a profound sense of betrayal that I must address a grave injustice unfolding on our campus. Not long ago, I was confronted for the innocuous act of painting The Fence with my gonads. This is nothing less than a blatant violation of the free speech and expression the university endeavors to achieve through The Fence.
CMU’s Fence policy explicitly mandates the use of a class of devices known as “brushes”:
The Fence may only be hand-painted with paint brushes. [Article II.D.1.a]
The Oxford English Dictionary (operated by my own alma mater, if it may be of any importance to you) defines “brush” as: An implement with a handle, consisting of bristles, hair, or wire set into a block, used for cleaning or scrubbing, applying a liquid or powder to a surface, arranging the hair, or other purposes.
Only the daftest individual would fail to recognize that CMU’s policy is undoubtedly referring to balls. Such an implement clearly has a handle: an outward protrusion prominent enough to grasp with one’s own hands. My personal experience would also support the conclusion that the majority of balls have hair on them. Although I will admit minor confusion at the description of such hair being “set into a block.”
At their core, balls are instruments of creation. The original writers of CMU’s Fence policy evidently kept this in mind—the policy not only allows for but in fact requires the use of one’s balls for the painting of The Fence. However, through the years, this intent has been forgotten, with students using bastardized wooden tools to paint the Fence instead. This travesty of justice is the result of the erasure of our sacred history. Let us never forget history again, and continue painting The Fence with our balls and only our balls!
Readme Responds to The Allegations
Let it become beknownst to whomstever accused our collective of various “allegations”, that they are all factually incoherent and blatantly untrue. This response will be organized in the following format — an untrue statement made by an adversary, and our rebuttal.
“Readme will be responsible for various cases of food poisoning on campus on April 1st, 2024”
We are unaware of which individual would provide you with such abhorrent misinformation.
“Readme likes to place banana peels all over campus so that people will slip and die”
We do not dabble in the realm of banana peels — orange peels are our domain.
“Readme made an improvised weapon of mass destruction and currently holds it in CUC 306”
What an insult to our reputation! I can assure you that significant research and efforts were put into the fabrication of such a device!
“Readme destroyed the Donner reading room”
The assertions that we burned down the Donner reading room are, much like Donner, baseless and offensive. We destroyed the entirety of that wretched building.
“Eshaan Joshi does not pay his workers”
I admit defeat, this may have at least a small hint of truthfulness.
[Author has been summarily shot]